(My Best Jokes)
COLLECTED AND RETOLD
AVRI ROBERT SHACHAM
AFTERLIFE 5, 7
AIRLINE STORIES 11
ANIMAL WORLD 17
ARMY STORIES 27
AT SCHOOL 31
AT THE CARD-TABLE 35
AT THE COURT-OF-LAW 37
AT THE RESTAURANT 39
AT WORK 41
BOYS AND GIRLS 60
C’EST LA VIE 78
DOCTORS AND PATIENTS 86
DRINKING PROBLEM 105
ECUMENICAL STORIES 110
ENGLISH JOKES 140
ETHNIC STORIES 142
FOR YOUR KIDS 196
FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES 200
GAY LIBERATION FRONT 216
GHOST STORIES 225
IN THE MIDDLE EAST 227
MALE CHAUVINISTS 244
MARITAL BLISS 252
MODERN FABLES 295
NAUGHTY JOKES 307
NOUVEAU RICHE 337
OLD AGE HUMILIATIONS 340
ON THE FARM 362
OUT OF AFRICA 367
POLITICAL JOKES 372
SPORTING WORLD 397
TAX MATTERS 402
THE ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSOR 410
WOMEN’S LIB 416
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS 72
GENIES, JINNS AND FAIRIES 220
PREPOSTEROUS STORIES 383
SIMPLETONS (POLICEMEN & OTHERS) 389
STRAIGHT FROM THE HIP 400
THE ESTABLISHMENT 411
THOSE PROFESSIONALS 412
Merry-go-round - My Collection of Jokes
I have always enjoyed a good joke, but there are many others who laugh heartily at a joke. What makes me different from them is, that I remember most of the jokes I hear and when it comes to story-swapping time, I can retell them to a new audience, sort of spreading the good word. In my 70 or so years, I have heard many a good joke (and even more bad ones). I really think that telling bad jokes, or rather telling good jokes badly, should be declared a federal offense. I just hope that you, the reader, will not accuse me of committing the very same offense.
On occasion, when I have told a few jokes at the office or at home to friends, I was asked about the number of jokes I remember. All I could answer was that I remember a great many jokes, but I didn't realize how many until at the suggestion of Rosie, my assistant at the office, I sat down at my computer and started to write them down. I wondered whether I would dry out like a well in the desert after remembering a few dozen jokes. Happily, the jokes kept popping up and voilà here is a book full of them.
I did not include in this collection all the jokes I know. I tried to exclude those, which - in my opinion - are in poor taste, or just plain bad. Other jokes, some of them quite excellent, in the various foreign languages that I speak, or understand, do not translate well. Still others are no longer funny due to the passing of time, changes in mentality, morality, taste, age, advancing technology, etc.
For example, in the "FOR YOUR KIDS" category there is a joke about prosthetics, which made me laugh my head off as a young boy. Today, I no longer find it that funny, but I decided to include it anyway. I find it improbable that the Education Department would classify this book as Recommended for Youth, but children being who they are, they will happen on it and will probably find the above joke and maybe some others in this category, the best of the lot.
Still other jokes never tickled my funny bone - like everything else, humor is a matter of taste. My 24-year-old son thinks that most of the jokes recounted at our dinner table are not funny at all. Therefore, I hereby categorically state that this collection is made up of jokes that reflect my personal preferences, which may differ from yours. I hope most of the items in the collection are new to you; on the other hand, many a good, old joke may be enjoyed over and over. I sincerely hope that you will like them, but should you not find them funny, then you may have opened the wrong book!
In my opinion a book of funny stories is not like any other piece of fiction, to be read continuously. Jokes, like good food, lose their taste when consumed too hastily. A collection of funny stories is more like anti-depressant medicine, to be taken a few sips at a time, when your spirits are particularly low. Alternatively, jokes can be used as a reference material, which you leave (after you have found the item you were looking for) on your bedside table, or some other convenient location, (the Dutch have a delightful habit of putting a book of jokes in the loo!) ready for the next opportunity.
To enable the reader to find the type of joke best suited to his whim at the moment, or to the specific occasion, I tried to categorize them - even though in some cases there are only a few jokes in a particular category, or conversely, some jokes belong to more than one category. Some people are of the opinion that the best jokes deal invariably with sex; others love scatological, mother-in-law, absent-minded professor or ethnic jokes, which poke fun at the presumed idiosyncrasies of other nationalities. Many stories are of the latter type and I truly hope, that my readers' sensibilities will not be offended - as no insult was intended. Personally, I love Jewish anecdotes, provided they are not malicious. I also included a category called "THE MIDDLE EAST" I don't mind if you have a hearty laugh at our expense, if you permit me to laugh at your expense. After all, it is said that laughter is good for your health.
At last, some acknowledgements: First of all I want to thank Rosie Solomon, at whose exhortation I started writing this book and who was the first to laugh at many of the jokes included in it (and a most hearty laughter she has!). Special thanks are due to my good friend Judy Paz, who performed some of the very necessary editing on the first version of the manuscript. Other friends to be thanked are Shlomo Barnea, a seemingly inexhaustible source for new jokes and different versions/new punch-lines for old ones. Then there are those who e-mailed me some stuff, Deganith Greier and Yehoshua Solomon of Israel, my good friend David Teschner and Philippe Boucher both of Canada and Francine Bramble of the USA.
Have good laugh! You deserve to, everybody deserves to.
An accountant was having a hard time sleeping and went to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That's the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
One Friday evening, an accountant left a letter for his wife. It read:
"To My Dear Wife (that's what he called her), you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight".
When the man came home, he found the following letter:
"My Dear Husband (that's what she called him), I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my handsome and virile tennis coach, who like your secretary is 18 years old. Being a successful accountant, with an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow".
A woman walked into an accountant’s office and told him that she needed to file her taxes. The accountant said:
“Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He wrote down her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asked:
“What is your occupation?”
The woman replied:
“I’m a whore.”
The accountant balked:
“No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman said:
“OK, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both thought for a minute, then the woman stated:
“I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant wondered:
“What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore, or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 3,000 cocks last year.”
* “An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.”
“What does an accountant use for birth control?”
EVERY ROSE HAS A THORN
A guy died and woke up to find he is in Hell. He was really depressed as he stood in line waiting to talk to the admittance demon. He thought to himself:
“I know I led a wild life, but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this.”
Looking up, he saw it was his turn to be processed. With fear and a heavy heart, he walked up to the demon.
Demon: “Why so glum, chum?”
Guy: “Well, what do you expect? I'm in Hell.”
Demon: “Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun. You a drinkin’ man?”
Guy: “Sure, I love to drink.”
Demon: “Well, you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. And you don't have to worry about your liver, because you're already dead! You'll love Mondays. You a smoker?”
Guy: “You better believe it.”
Demon: “All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke your friggin' lungs out without worrying about cancer, because you're already dead. You're going to love Tuesdays. How about drugs? You like to do any drugs?”
Guy: “In my younger days I experimented a little, but I never inhaled.”
Demon: “Well, you can experiment with anything you want on Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can take, snort, drop, or shoot any kind of drug, smoke a doobie the size of a submarine and if you overdose, it’s okay … you're already dead. You're gonna love Wednesdays. I bet you like to gamble.”
Guy: “Yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
Demon: “Well, Thursdays are for you! We gamble all day and night – black jack, craps, slots, horse races, you name it! You're gonna love Thursdays.”
Guy: “Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!”
Demon: “You gay?”
Guy: “Uh, no.”
Demon: (wincing): “Ooh, you're gonna hate Fridays...”
Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed, that if either died, the other one would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out:
“John, Dear John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”
A ghostly voice answered her:
“Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”
Martha tearfully asked:
“Oh John, what is it like where you are?”
“It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”
“Well what do you do all day?” - asked Martha.
“Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep at about 11 p.m.”
Martha was somewhat taken aback:
“Is that what heaven really is like?”
“Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha.”
“Well then where are you?”
“I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona.”
A pair of identical twin brothers lived in a certain town. One lived a godly life, was a good husband and father, a reputable businessman and did lots of community service. The other cheated and lied, was a hell-raiser, a drunkard, unfaithful to his wife and mean to his kids. They both died at about the same time. The good twin was in Heaven and could look down on his bad twin in Hell. The place was not as he imagined. He saw his brother drinking, partying and dancing, having beautiful women, with lots of passionate kissing going on. The good twin went up to St Peter and said:
“Mind you, I'm not complaining. This place is peaceful and beautiful, but my brother down there looks like he's having the time of his life. He has his own beer keg and just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing.”
St Peter put an arm on the man's shoulder and said:
“My son, all is not as it seems. The keg has a hole in it. The woman doesn't.”
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
A football player came to the well-known fortune-teller and asked her:
“Look here, lately I haven’t been feeling so well and since the game of football is the most important thing in my life, I would like to know, if it is played in heaven.”
The soothsayer looked through her crystal ball and after a while uttered:
“I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that they do play football in heaven – they have even a National League. The bad news is, that you are scheduled to play next Sunday.”
This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed,” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” – Peter replied, – “this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked:
“What are the green fees?”
“This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” – asked the old man..
“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” – Peter replied.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” – the old man asked timidly.
“That’s the best part,” – explained Peter, – “you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!”
The old man looked at his wife and said:
“You and your darned bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!!”
Three bachelors were waiting at the Pearly Gates to get in. St. Peter said:
"It's nearing Christmas. Give, or tell me something significant to fit the season."
The first bachelor went through his pockets, pulled out a book of matches, lighted one and said:
"This is supposed to be a candle."
"Good enough" - said St. Peter.
The second bachelor pulled out a set of keys and jingled them.
"What's that?" – asked St. Peter. The bachelor said:
"It's Jingle Bells."
St. Peter sighed heavily and said:
Bachelor three started going through his pockets, looking for something that would be significant to Christmas...finally he pulled out a pair of panties.
St. Peter said:
" What's THAT got to do with Christmas?"
The bachelor replied:
" They're Carols."
FORD AND GOD
Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford:
“Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention – the assembly line – changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven.”
Ford thought about it and said:
“I want to hang out with God Himself.”
The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Ford then asked God:
“Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?”
God said: “Ah, yes.”
“Well,” – said Ford, – “you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. Maintenance is very costly
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing
5. It is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days
6. The rear end wobbles too much, and
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.”
“Hmmm,” – replied God, – “hold on.”
God went to the Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper.
“It may be that my invention is flawed,” – God replied to Henry Ford, – “but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!”
The new type of fighter developed by the manufacturer was the latest word in technology. Fly-by-wire instrumentation, high velocity, it had everything except for one small but crucial problem:
As soon as the plane reached a certain speed, its wings started breaking off.
All prototypes crashed. The test pilots managed to bail out, but even the best minds could not come up with a solution as to how to strengthen the wing structure. At last an ad was published in the professional magazines, promising a reward of $100,000 to anyone who could come up with a workable solution.
Several proposals were received, but when tested, the wings kept breaking off. One day, a middle-aged, balding fellow appeared at the engineering offices and offered a unique solution: Small holes were to be drilled throughout the airplane’s wing roots. To the Chief Engineer it seemed like the craziest, most harebrained proposal he had ever heard.
“Excuse me, Sir,” - he asked, - “do you have a degree in aeronautics engineering?”
“No,” - replied the man, - “I am a tailor.”
The engineer deliberated for a while and then decided to try the proposal. What did he have to lose? Without solving the wing-problem, the airplane was a failure anyway. The small holes were drilled; the plane took off and performed exactly as it should. Even at the highest velocity the wings held up. The Chief Engineer called in the man with the proposal and informed him that he is entitled to the reward. He had only one request:
“Can you please tell me how you arrived at this extraordinary solution?”
“I am an observant kind of person and I noticed that toilet paper always tears everywhere, except at the perforation.”
CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT
On the new Boeing aircraft great emphasis was given to passenger comfort. One of the interesting innovations was, that there were separate washrooms for ladies and gentlemen. During the airplane’s maiden flight, one of the passengers had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the male lavatories, but found them to be occupied. A stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps and had pain and anxiety written all over his face. The girl took pity on the visibly suffering passenger and though expressly forbidden to do so, let him use one of the female washrooms. She warned him not to touch any of the buttons on the wall installed for the ladies’ convenience. The man was about to pop and would have promised anything, just to get into one of these small cubicles.
The relief was pure joy and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: “WW”, “WA”, and “PP” and there was one red button labeled “ATR”. Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the “WW” button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. A good feeling came over him. The male lavatory didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the “WA” button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.
He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped and without hesitation pressed the “PP” button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies’ toilet was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure. He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He pressed the button and came to in the hospital. He did not remember a thing, but saw that he was bandaged around his midriff. The nurse staring down at him with a smirk on her face would not answer his questions and all the doctor was ready to tell him was that he was no longer a man. Only when a remorseful airline executive showed up with a huge bouquet of flowers, did he learn of the reason for his debilitating injury.
“Would somebody tell me what happened? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies lavatory!!!” - asked the man furiously.
“You pushed one too many button,” - replied the embarrassed executive. “That last button marked “ATR” is an Automatic Tampax Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”
FIRST THINGS FIRST
A short while after takeoff the Captain switched on the public address system and welcomed the passengers on Flight 321 to New York. He informed them that the flight will take 7 hours and 50 minutes and added that the crew would soon be serving dinner. Wishing them a pleasant flight he switched off the microphone or rather thought he did, leaned back in his seat and sighing contentedly said to his First Officer:
“I’ll have a cup of coffee now and then I’ll have a little romp with that pretty new stewardess.”
The passengers received his remarks, transmitted over the loudspeakers, with enthusiastic cheers. One of the stewardesses moved quickly towards the cockpit to warn the Captain that the microphone was left open. An elderly lady, sitting on an aisle seat, stopped her and said:
“You don’t have to hurry, my dear! The man said that he is going to have a coffee first!”
Being married to a pilot means your husband is never home when you really need him.
WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?
In the morning before he was due to leave on a transatlantic flight, the pilot’s wife complained to her husband that their car does not start in the morning.
“What do you think I am an auto mechanic?” - said the pilot indignantly. “Get the man from the garage come down and have it fixed.”
Just then, the sound of a honking car was heard. The airline captain picked up his bag, kissed his wife and left, not to be seen for a week.
The next week, the wife griped that the door to the kitchen does not close properly and could her husband do something about it. Again the pilot was ready with an answer:
“Do you think I am a carpenter? I make enough money so that we can afford to have a handyman replace all the doors in the house.”
And off he went winging into the blue skies.
The next time, it was the water-faucet that was dripping, then the flowers were affected with a mysterious affliction but her hubby invariably told his wife to get a specialist to fix the trouble. Then one day the complaints stopped. The car started at the turn of the key, all the doors opened and closed silently and effortlessly, the bathroom tap no longer dripped and the flowers in their garden were blooming as never before.
“What happened?” - inquired the pilot. “Did you have a lot of trouble getting all these things fixed?”
“No trouble at all,” - replied his wife with a bright face. “A neighbor who is very good with his hands was kind enough to offer me his help and managed to put everything back in working order.”
“And what did you give him in return?” - demanded her husband. “Did he accept money?”
“He told me I have two choices: I can either sing for him, or go to bed with him.”
“And what was your choice?”
“Who do you think I am, a singer?”