E-bay holiday gleanings

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Michael Brenner Jan 07

  • George Bush’s last bourbon bottle. Fingerprints authenticated by FBI (Midland, TX)

  • Clausewitz On War Framed Quotation: “If a war lasts more than 4 years, consult your security advisor immediately”

  • Roundtrip ticket Tel Aviv – Beirut. Dated July 14, 2006. In name of


  • Tom Delay’s first honestly earned dollar. Send 2 singles and one will be returned with certificate (S & H: $17.99)

  • Pulitzer Prize nomination letter for fiction: Bob Woodward Plan Of Attack

  • Pulitzer Prize nomination letter for non-fiction: Bob Woodward State Of Denial

  • Original Cartoon Strip “Rodents Disembarking Vessel In Nautical Distress” Recognizable Personalities; Ken Adelman, Richard Perle, Eliot Cohen, David Frum, Thomas Friedman, & many others

  • Paul Wolfowitz Private Library Seven Pillars Of Wisdom Like new. Pages uncut

  • Fouad Ajami Autobiography, Pre-publication copy: At Heaven’s Gate – And Beyond “Gripping coming of age saga of poor Lebanese Shiite boy who makes it into the most inner sanctum of American imperial power” – Kirkus Reviews

  • Heritage Foundation Gala Ball Fundraiser for Scooter Libby Legal Defense Fund. Original Program. Features encomiums from Bernard Lewis and Dennis Ross.

Somewhat soiled

  • Sandy Berger Garter Belt size 44 Used once

  • Hillary Rodham Official campaign autobiography: “My Choice: Triangulation Or Strangulation”

  • Best Supporting Actor Nomination Letter Philip Zelikow as Staff Director in 9/11 Report

  • Best Supporting Actor 2nd Nomination Letter Philip Zelikow as Counselor, Department of State

  • Best Actor Nomination Letter Philip Zelikow as Man of Principle Leaves Center of Malign Power

  • Letter to President George W. Bush with book: Primer To Middle East Politics Handwritten on embossed linen paper: “I know how much grand-dad would have wanted you to have this” Signed: Lady Eden

  • Cheney Interest. Microfilm copy of evidence that Dallas lawyer gunned-down by Veep was head of ‘stay-behind’ cell set up by Ann Richards

  • National Democratic Committee Decree adopting “Forever Amber” as official party motto. Bonus: competition finalists for Democratic fight-song of same name

  • Compendium of Swedish Rhythm & Blues hits. Pre-erased CD. Also available in blank DVD format

  • Condoleezza Rice interest: pair of pumps left in Madison Avenue shoe store Katrina week when shamed into returning to Washington by outraged patrons Stylish

  • UNIQUE. Bill Clinton’s teen-age Bible. Light use. When placed on spine opens to story of Sodom and Gomorrah

  • Warren Christopher interest (?) Certificate of Completion “Assertiveness Training Course” via correspondence school (inquire about matchbook cover)

  • Donald Rumsfeld Official ‘Sands of Time’ retirement portrait

  • Invitation to American Enterprise Institute Slumber Party 1890s theme – dress accordingly

  • White House Special Order Item Super size box of Chuck Wagon Deluxe Dog Biscuits ‘Fish-n-Chips’ Flavor

  • Pom-poms with alternating British Lion/American Eagle logos Set used by Blair family welcome party for the Bushes at Chequers

  • Millenium Dome Gift of HRM’s Government to FEMA. Re-list due to inventory overhaul

  • Ahmed Chalabi Interest. 22 carat gold pen to be used in signing of first decree as President of Iraq. Inscribed to Ayatollah Khameinei: “with reverence” in Arabic and Persian.

Alert: genuine article, beware cheap imitations sold at Tehran train stations

  • SECRET TREATY Lease of $1 billion U.S. embassy complex on Tigris to Islamic Republic of Iran 2009 – 2099 Annex accords U.S. officials access to Guest House

  • Petition from 77 virgins to Allah the Merciful. Moving appeal that they not spend from here to Eternity stuck with some guy with 1st degree burns over 90% of his body. Photostat copy with translation by Prince Bandar

  • Segolene Royal Bikini. For sale by last 2 owners: Angela Merkel and Hillary Clinton Discount: fabric over-stretched

  • TSA holiday assortment: confiscated toiletries. Available in 100, 500 or 1,000 batches Comes in zip-locked plastic bag embossed with ancestral crest of Michael Chertoff dynasty

  • Conversation piece(s). Remnants of the Iraqi power grid - wire, transformer parts, generator coil, etc. No two identical

  • Conversation piece(s). Remnants of the Iraqi army. Well-trained, disciplined, highly motivated. Multiple skills. Come benefit-free

  • Conversation piece(s). Remnants of the Iraqi petroleum pipeline network. Specify with or without oil smear

  • Consulting services: L. Paul Bremmer IV Ltd (very). Specialists in organizational disassembly, downsizing, demoralization, and amateur theatrics

  • Consulting services: Michael Brown Ltd. (even more). No services from vendor as yet approved by E-Bay ethics committee. Business cards in packs of ten available as party items

  • Ammunition casings (empty) M-1 assault rifle. Only billions like it. Sold by the bushel.

  • Powell Doctrine. Shredded copy found in Pentagon wastepaper basket of Donald Rumsfeld.

  • Powell Doctrine. Shredded copy found in wastepaper basket of Dick Cheney

  • Powell Doctrine. Lost in State Department office of Colin Powell – reward if found and returned to original owner

  • Rare. 3 volume set: Lessons of Vietnam; Lessons of Afghanistan; Lessons of Iraq; Lessons of ‘X’ (in preparation) National Defense University Press. Loose leaf format

  • National Press Club Annual ‘Profile In Journalistic Courage’ Award. Plaques for 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, and 2006. Blank = awaiting judgment of history

  • Selection of ink-blotch drawings from op-ed columns by amateur strategists

  • Collector’s Item. Complete set of scorecards on progress in Iraq prepared twice weekly by the Brookings Institution circa 2003 – 200? Build your starter collection. Featured item: growth trajectory of the Iraqi armed forces

  • Revelation: newly unearthed evidence proving that ‘Iraq” is a pronoun

  • Henry Kissinger. ‘Jallianwalla Bagh Memorandum’ To George W. Bush. Outlines strategy to deploy Kurdish Peshmerga to discipline Baghdad, modeled on British deployment of Gurkhas in India. Includes penned lament that Vietnam had dearth of martial minorities

  • Bill Frist Interest. Collection long-distance, video diagnoses. Color-coded by party affiliation of patient and focus group numbers (This item does NOT have AMA certification)

  • Alan Greenspan Saxophone Solo “A Love Supreme” Paean To Ayn Rand (Fountainhead Records) recorded live at Atlas Shrugs in Atherton, CA

  • Ben Bernanke Rookie of the Year Economic Statesmen League Collector’s Card. Quote on back stating concern that faint upward tick in real disposable income of salaried workers may threaten price stability and economic growth. Blurred hand-written notation: ‘very promising’ A….G…(?)

  • Pot-pouri. Medicare Prescription Plans. Assortment of offerings, solicitations, and brochures. Consumer’s guide identifies each by category: con-man, shill, scam artist, bunko-steerer, snake oil salesman and other specimens of American entrepreneurship. WARNING: reading this material can result in serious side-effects for people over 65, those with long-term drug need, and those with a social conscience.

  • Medicare Prescription Plan. The ‘hole in the donut’ coverage. Hole comes in vacuum packed container

  • Barry Bonds Empty Steroid Vial Facsimile autograph. Sorry, hypodermic needle unavailable

  • Hugo Chavez incense ‘Supremo’ Suitable for exorcisms. Invoice directs buyer to nearest CITGO station

  • Geiger-counter. Pocket model. Russian manufacture. Finely calibrated to detect diverse sources of radiation. Polonium Exemption! Gift item distributed to guests at Russian Embassy Party (London) to commemorate Chernobyl tragedy.

  • Vladimir Putin. Medal of St. Michael blessed by Orthodox Patriarch of Jerusalem. Gift of Putin’s mother. Mint condition. Worn only when bathing in presence of George W. Bush

  • Gazprom. Gift coupon for 65 cubic meters of natural gas. Pick-up only – Russian/Belarus border

  • George Tenet Color photo of CIA Director signaling 3-point goal before Senate Intelligence Committee to disavow charge of calling the case for Iraqi WMD ‘a slam dunk.’ Curiosity.

  • One of a Kind? Aluminum tube allegedly used in constructing Iraqi centrifuge nuclear enrichment plant. Suitable as downspout, blow-pipe, auto exhaust, or a flea market mystery item. Act Now.

  • Certified Electronic Voting Machines. Feature predictable results with scientific authority. Multi-program software included Get yours before next PTA election

  • LAST Remaining Copy of Inter-Agency (State Department Sponsorship) 7,000 page planning document for post-war Iraq.

In original cellophane envelope. No fingerprints.

  • SPECIAL! Satellite Color Photo of Thomas Friedman flying off the end of the earth east of Papua New Guinea. Seen composing on laptop his last column writing-off the Iraqis as incorrigible ‘round-earthers’

  • Goldman-Sachs Interest: Clandestine photo of Board’s annual retreat. Party engaged in man-handling bleating camel through 6 foot wide aperture in pine needle sculpture

  • Gilded. Leather bound copy of Alan Greenspan’s Congressional testimony on financial soundness of Bush’s tax give-aways. (circa 2001 – 2005) Winner of the Milton Friedman award honoring exemplar of maxim that “consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.”

  • From India. Nail-bed. Previous owner renowned sadhu retired from spiritual calling. Now reinvented himself as supervisor of a United Airlines phone bank in Bangalore

  • Virtual Can Openers.’ Own the theoretical economist’s analytical Swiss Army knife. Supply unlimited

  • DAVOS Souvenir One Ounce container of melted ice. Registered as having occurred during session on “Global Warming: Free Market Answers.” January 29, 2007. Last from this site. Meetings relocated to higher elevations 2008

  • Ultimate Reality Experience. Trip of a lifetime. Includes rendition, hood/orange jumpsuit, incarceration in 5 ‘black’ sites on 3 continents. Array of humane torture encounters. Finalist gets I week appointment as Commandant at Bagram, Abu Ghraib, Guantaanamo or Diego Garcia. CIA sponsorship, with support from 17 NATO member governments.

  • “Wit & Wisdom” of Dick Armey, Tom Delay and Dennis Hastert Compendium. 4 pages. Large type edition. 3” x 2” Includes Table of Contents and Index

  • George W. Bush’s Reading Schedule August, 2006 Crawford

Old Testament (Hebrew Original) 1.5 days

New Testament (Greek Original) 1 day

Iliad/Odyssey (Greek Original) 2 days

St. Thomas Aquinas Complete Works (Latin Original) 2 days

War & Peace (Russian Original) 2.5 days

Peace & War (French Original) 1.5 days

Dante’s Inferno/Purgatory/Paradise (Tuscan Original) 3 days

Don Quixote (Spanish original) 2 days

Reader’s Digest August, 2006 issue Abridged. 16 days

Log written in pencil by Laura Bush

  • Voodoo Dolls Retrieved from Camp David Fireplace Pins Still In Place Identifiable Figures: Osama, al-Zawihiri, Ahmedinejad, al-Sadr, Sheikh Nasrullah, Jacques Chirac, John Murtha. Scorching

  • Discover! One-of-a-Kind Fully-functioning ’Market Mechanism’ Stainless Steel Stamped “IDEAL TYPE”

  • F.B.I. Surveillance Software Multi-million dollar computer upgrade remainder stock. Guaranteed to track up to 4 children in 3 room apartment

  • Ted Haggard. Photostat copy of expulsion letter from BUNKO’S crash course for used car salesmen.

  • Testimonials from 547 members of Haggard mega church congregation commending his acts of penance. CD.

  • Historic. Black & White video of George W. Bush carrying Fats Domino in his arms through floodwaters in New Orleans’ Lower Ninth Ward. Audio of Bush humming ‘Blue Monday.’ Credits K. Rove as Producer, Director, Cameraman, Audio Engineer, and sideman on bass.

  • Fouad Ajami. Cut-and-paste tape of record 51 appearances on Jim Lehrer show predicting success in Iraq. Boxed set comes with reproduction of Presidential Medal of Service Rendered, Rendered, Rendered

  • General Franks. Reproduction of $17,000 bed custom made in Qatar.* Use in Gulf minimal. Not to scale. Comes with calibrated fraction of cost covered by your tax payments

  • Pizza Routes. 28 CD set of routes used by pizza delivery vans in every town with population of 5,000 or more. Compiled by Department of Homeland Security using recently declassified ECHELON data. Check This Site For Sets On Other World Regions.

The Middle East – expected March 1, 2007. Covers: Marrakesch, Algiers, Tobruk, Cairo, Damascus, Beirut, Jeddah, Amman, and Baghdad (multiple maps: Baghdad Sunni, Baghdad Shiite, Baghdad Kurd, Baghdad Turkoman, Baghdad Christian, Baghdad Green Zone, and Baghdad Airport/Abu Ghraib).

  • DISCOUNT! Package Tour “On The Front Lines” Organized by Blackwater Tours. Gaza, Mogadishu, Falluja, Mosul, Sadr City. All expenses paid. Return ticket available but not guaranteed. Book now to January 21, 2009

  • Copy of ‘Twinned Cities’ Proclamation: Grozny/Falluja

  • White House Domestic Council Rare Public Service Advisory “Tips On How A Family of 4 Can Live The American Dream Earning $5.15 Per Hour” Preface by President George W. Bush. Highlight Tips:

Principle: exercise your market given right to choose

1. Learn to build strong family ties by sleeping four to a bed

2. Invest in cheap padded clothing from Asia to cut down on heating bills. Keep in mind we ALL lose from protectionism

3. Reduce consumption of high cost luxury foods like filet mignon (also, they can cause medical problems whose costly treatment in emergency rooms is a burden on the American economy)

4. Entertain yourself at home - and restore traditional family values. Suggestion: group Bible readings, especially Book of Revelations

5. Renounce your citizenship; then, as illegal aliens, family members can work and earn outside the arbitrary constraints imposed by an intrusive government.

6. Be happy in your work.

7. Apply for financial aid to Andover type private schools so as to avoid the ineffective public schools which perpetuate below average income brackets

  • Marie Antoinette ‘Chutzpah’ Prize. Awarded to Lawrence Summers by the French Academy of Comparative History. Summers’ published recommendation that popular distress at widening income inequality in the U.S., a source of a dangerous rise in economic nationalism, could be blunted by a program package that features a promise to restore IRA auditing of the richest non-tax payers. (Financial Times Dec 11, 2006) Announcement letter available due to ‘Return To Sender’ option by recipient. Bonus: proposition from one panelist that the award be renamed the Lawrence Summers ‘Chutzpah’ Prize; points out that Summers comments immediately followed face-to-face meeting with mob of the under-invested*

  • Best Mind of the 11th Century Competition. Facsimile of official parchment nomination notice to Wall Street Journal Editorial Board. Signed by all panel members save one who wrote minority report arguing that level of enlightened thinking in 11th century is underestimated; therefore, recommending nominee should be relegated to 10th century competition.”

  • New York Times Editorial Board Double Citations: Blue Ribbon for Peaceful Coexistence among factions; Medallion for Promotion of Pluralism. Each cites juxtaposition of Editorial Page commentary on Iraq with news coverage on Iraq. Extensive documentation available featuring Judith Miller and Andrew Rosenthal.

  • Armageddon: The Sequel. Uncut preview version. Joint production of Stephen Spielberg and Mel Gibson. Authentic Bible Belt soundtrack with English and Hebrew subtitles

  • Halliburton Surplus water purification equipment used in Iraq. Highly inflatable. Samples of water actually supplied America’s brave fighting men and women – order information available upon request. Medical certificate of robust health required.

  • Manual of Accounting Procedures applied by Coalition Provisional Authority (Baghdad) Includes official crayons, easy-tear paper and arithmetic tables (addition only)

  • Karl Rove Rough draft of ‘tell-all’ political memoir. Working title: “My Road To Success: Making The Easy Ones Look Hard” Dedication to ‘Al and John, who made it all possible’

  • Hillary Rodham Clinton Second ‘Why I’ candidacy tract: “Just Plain Bill. Getting Ahead Despite Him” (Oakfield, Illinois: Second-Try Publishers, 2007) paper. Special: “Why Me?” This version normally available only at K-Mart/Wal-Mart check-outs

  • Trent Lott. Tape of interview with Cooper Anderson September 2, 2005. Includes assertion that the story of post-Katrina calamity was just something hyped by the liberal press.*

* indicates truth is stranger than fiction

  • Trent Lott. Public plea for immediate federal government assistance to Gulf Coast homeowners. Issued on learning that his Mississippi beachfront house was now living with the fishes. September 3, 2005*

  • Donald Rumsfeld Video tape of screen test to play father figure to gang of East Los Angeles dead-enders. Failed. Shot December 26, 2006 Burbank Studios

  • United States Senate Democratic Caucus Meeting Dates/Places 2007-2008. All scheduled alternately in Nashua and Dubuque in ‘Eat and Park’ conference facilities.

  • Historic First. Seaweed plucked from George W. Bush’s breakfast of champions cereal bowl while lounging in inner tube on South Lawn of White House. Source: Greenpeace Special Forces

  • Yarmouk Hospital (Baghdad) Copy of Visitors Log. Names of visiting American officials: 0 *

Just Arrived. Long-awaited path-breaking, cutting edge revelation of the modern world’s mysterious origins. Genghis Khan & The Making Of The Modern World Jack Weatherford (Three Rivers Press 2005) ISBN 0609809644*

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