Flying Pig Productions Present The Seagull Has Landed 11th



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Flying Pig Productions Present
The Seagull Has Landed
11th & 12th November 2005

Act 1

[Sfx: “Streets of San Francisco”]
Greg [V/O]

The Buckie Drifters; Come On Over To Tilly

[Project: Pigs Rampant]
[Tabs Out]
Greg [V/O] Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the band that brought you such hits as On Broad Street and The Hardgate Shuffle. Still playing live and featuring the cousin of one of the original members, it’s …The Buckie Drifters!
[Project: The Buckie Drifters]
[Sfx: Backing track - “Come On Over To My Place”]
Craig Friday night can be a drag, so little on the box

Jine us in a bit o’ aggro, it’s fun to run amok
All Come on over to Tilly, (Hey min) we’re having a riot

Get stuck right in, looting and fighting, gonna do some damage tonight.
Craig Well you don’t need an address to work out where we’ll be

Listen for the wail of the siren, it’s the sound of anarchy. So ab’dy
All Come on over to Tilly, (Hey min) we’re having a riot

Get stuck right in, looting and fighting, gonna do some damage tonight.
Craig When we get tired of arson, and breaking into cars

We like to adjourn for lagers and chasers

While we trash the Broadsword bar. So ab’dy
All Come on over to Tilly, (Hey min) we’re having a riot

Get stuck right in, looting and fighting, gonna do some damage tonight
Craig Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
All Come on over to Tilly, (Hey min) we’re having a riot

Get stuck right in, looting and fighting, gonna do some damage tonight

Come on over to Tilly, (Hey min) we’re having a riot

Get stuck right in, looting and fighting, gonna do some damage,

Do some damage

Do some damage tonight.
[Blackout]

The Make-Up Lady

[Project: Pigs Rampant]
[Project: Wallpaper]
Carol Hiya! Make-up lady! Make-up woman, onywye, ha ha.
Louise Hello, come in.
Carol It’s Louise, isn’t it?
Louise Yes.
Carol Hi. My names Carol. Like Carole Smillie - only bonnier, obviously. Tak a pew. We’ll gie ye the little sales pitch afore we stert. I’m a professional make-up artist. Weel, semi professional. Jist pin money really. In fact I’m jist daein’ this to pey for my boob job. But da worry, fit I dinna ken aboot cosmetics is nae worth nae kennin’ aboot. A’ the cosmetics I’m ga’an to use on ye the day is Virgin Vie – and as my Colin says at’s the first time the word virgin’s been associated wi my name since I wiz 14. Cheeky bastard. But the great thing aboot Virgin stuff is ye can really clart it on, which is fine for folks wi a problem complexion, like you. Cos Louise, you’ve fit we beauty professionals wid cry a pizza face. So that’s all my chat. How’re ye daein yersel?
Louise I’m fine thanks.
Carol Good-oh. Noo this is for your wedding is it?
Louise Yes, that’s right.
Carol Exciting! Is it yer first een?

Louise Yes.


Carol First een’s are jist the best. My first een wiz the best onywye. Oh aye, Jason wiz fairly the een for me but he wiz tak’n awa fae me.
Louise Oh, I’m so sorry.
Carol Oh, but he wiz brave, Louise. He fought so hard. In the end they needed four bobbies. So, seein’ as it’s yer first weddin’ I’ll pit a bit of an effort in. This is jist the try-oot right?
Louise Yes.
Carol Good-oh, I mean, I wiz ga’an to say. Cos you’ve a bittie work to dae afore the big day, hiv ye darlin’? I ken fit it’s like, Louise, ye widna believe it noo, but I wiz the same. Afore my second weddin,’ it wiz, I’d let mysel go an a. I wiz a hell of a size. Aye, I mean I wizna as big as you. One word Louise, cabbage soup. What a diet! Oh, Louise, afore my second weddin’ I lost six pound in the first week, five in the second, four in the third and three in the fourth. But it wizna without it’s side-effects. I says to Daryll on wir weddin’ night, I says to him, I da care foo romantic it is, ye’re nae lightin’ at candles. Weel he wiz laughin’. And I wiz laughin’. And the mair I laughed the mair I farted. It wiz priceless. He wiz a piece o’ work, Louise. Nice as pie and then as soon as we wiz merried he changed like that. Fit’s your lad like?
Louise He’s nice.
Carol Aha. I’ll bet he is. Weel you watch him, Louise. My Daryll, twa month efter we wiz merried, his idea o’ foreplay wiz taen aff his trackie bottoms. [Pause] But I’m sure you’ll hae a lovely day. Oh. Nih. Nih. Nae for a first weddin’. I can see you’re goin to be a real problem. I wiz trying to dae two eyeshadows there but ye hinna got the eyelids for it. In fact I’ve niver seen onyone wi less eyelids. Did ye hae some kind of accident as a bairn Louise?
Louise No.
Carol Must be genetic then. Weird. My third, he hid six toes on his left fit ye ken. Niver found oot til we wiz merried. I mean I’d seen him naked before, obviously, it’s jist it wizna his fit I wiz looking at, ken fit I mean Louise? But on wir wedding night I seen it. Well. I says to him. I says Kevin, if you think you’re coming near me wi’ that fit ye’ve anither think coming. [Goes to work again] So onywye, it’ll look better efter ye’ve hid yer eyebrows waxed, obviously, and I’ll cover mair o’ yer plooks on the day, but fit d’ye think to that? [Reveal – she shows Louise a mirror]
[Project: FMV Elaine bawling her over-made-up eyes out]
Oh, I ken. I ken Louise. First weddings are very emotional.
[Blackout]
[Mid-Stage Blacks In]

The Licensing Board - Late Licence

Alexander Now the next application. For consideration. By the executive commit-tee of the licensing board



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