Letters from a new hampshire prison from the wrongfully convicted chad evans

Response to #276

You asked about my conversation with the nurse in regards to Kassidy's injuries. I believe I stated that Dr. Baden stated Kassidy died of injuries that were inflicted the morning of her death. I would have to check back to Dr. Baden's exact testimony in the transcripts to see his actual words but this assertion was the basis of my defense. I recall clearly that while sitting in the interview

room off the side of the courtroom with Dr. Baden, either during a break or while waiting for him to be called to testify, he said, "The child died from injuries inflicted on her no more than two hours prior to her death." This is a very strong statement. Where I am not sure if Dr. Baden stated the same during his testimony under oath it should be looked into. You asked if he possibly said,

"may have been inflicted" or "likely had been inflicted." I will stipulate to "likely had been inflicted" if you prefer. I don't believe I heard the words "may have" nor do I think they are strong enough to capture Dr. Baden's reaction while sitting in the interview room. It's hard to describe but during breaks is when I did my best listening. The courtroom was full of people, reporters, and

cameras trying to catch my every move. Often during the proceedings I found myself in a haze, thinking, "can all of this really be happening?" no matter how hard I tried to listen. Focus was a problem for me under those circumstances.

You asked about the motorcycle club party on Saturday August 12, 2000 that Amanda and I attended. Was that the first time you recall Jeff or Jen having Kassidy overnight? I believe it was the first overnight for Kassidy, since I met Amanda. Most of the time, Kassidy went to Jackie's to be babysat for overnight stays. After Jackie had her surgery in late August, 1 think Jen and Jeff had Kassidy more often for overnights when necessary. Other than that Oct-26-28 period where Jeff kept Kassidy (when she "fell" out of his truck window), I can't think of another time they had her for more than one overnight in a row.

You asked about times when Travis may have babysat Kassidy for a short while. I identified one in an earlier letter- the time I had to run to the Rochester McDonald's to start a piece of equipment. (I believe it was a fryolator.) I was back within a half hour. The other time that Travis MAY have watched Kassidy and Kyle is while Amanda and I went to the movies. This would have been when the kids were already in bed. We mostly rented movies and watched them at home but I do recall going with her once to see a movie.

We would have seen the movie at the Lilac Mall Cinema. I have looked over the list of movies that you sent and. checked off the movies I recalled seeing. Unfortunately, I cannot recall if I saw them in 2000 or later on video. If Travis did watch the kids for us it would have been sometime between Sept. 15, 2000 - Nov. 1, 2000, because this is when Travis lived with us. We never took the children to a movie because at that time we both thought they were too young. The first movie Kyle ever saw in a theatre was "Shrek" the following summer. It's a great memory I have. I took Kyle to see "Shrek." I loved watching him experience this. Popcorn and peanut butter cups in his lap and big eyes staring up at the screen in amazement. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful than narrowing down the date of when Amanda and I

would have seen a movie at the Lilac Mall.

Early last week I was responding to a September 24, 2010 letter that I received from a friend of mine and after I wrote the letter it occurred to me that I shared some information with her that I never had you. At times it's easier in the course of conversation to open up to a friend than it is when I am responding to your inquiries. Upon proofreading it, I thought about my life being an "open book" and realized that I really should share it with you too. Nothing major but it may provide some other clue into the workings of my mind. The friend and I were corresponding about abuse and I was expressing the terrible feelings I have about some of the ways I treated Tristan. It's easier to look at things in hindsight and wish that you had done things differently. The problem is you can't. Even if I leave here tomorrow, I have to live forever with the knowledge that I lost control of my emotions at times and. hurt the woman I loved. I felt such passion for Tristan and wanted everything to be perfect. Abuse is abuse no matter if it is verbal, emotional, or physical, it is always wrong. Any type of abuse boils down to a person thinking it is ok to force their will upon someone else. Who the hell was 1 to do something like this? Even when I felt that I had the best intentions I needed to have the ability to step back and look if I was infringing on Tristan's rights. It pains me greatly to say that I failed Tristan in this area. I wish I had the tools and insight I have about myself now, back then.

This is one of those key areas of my life that I need to find a perfect balance in order to help Kyle. He is such a great kid. I want him to avoid some of the stupid mistakes and poor decisions that I made. I certainly want him to understand that domestic violence or violence against anyone is not ok. Thank God, Kyle and I are able to talk open and honestly. I will never lie to him and. as hard and as shameful as it is. I will use my mistakes as an example for him about what is not acceptable. A big part of life is making and then learning from your own mistakes. It is my goal to stand on the "sidelines" as much as possible as he grows but this is one area I hope to help him completely avoid.

The thing that I had never shared prior to disclosing to my pen pal and now to you Morrison, is how the things that happened between Tristan and me still haunt me. Sadly, Tristan and I are no longer close. Within the last 2-3 years we have drifted apart. I'm not sure what exactly has caused it. Many former spouses become angry once you go to prison because they are left to do the majority of supporting and raising of the children themselves. Others get used to the way things are. You are gone a number of years and. you and your interaction as they knew it are no longer part of life. Still others relive past abuses and anger festers inside them finally coming to a head. I suspect my relationship with Tristan has fallen apart because of all three. It wasn't always this way. Tristan was my biggest supporter. For the first 5+ years, she brought the boys up to see me, knew this was bullshit. Despite my history with her, Tristan knew I would never hurt a child, etc. Tristan and I even spoke several years ago about how different things would be if we were married now. I had a lot of growing up to do and I was glad that she was able to recognize that I had done some. That all seems like it was a million years ago now. All I can do is keep trying and showing her that I am a different person than she married 14 years ago. She has forgiven me for my mistakes but I cannot forgive myself.

I have a hard time letting it go and forgiving myself for my mistakes. I have a hard time dealing with the fact that I was a person that could lose control and hurt the woman that I love. I hate that I lost her trust, no doubt made her feel badly about herself, and that I mistreated the mother of my child, the lady that I stood before God and shared vows with, in any fashion. It's been 12 almost 13 years now and I still wonder what made me think even for a minute that my actions were acceptable. I know it was many years ago and I can't go back and change those moments in time so I have to move on, but I can't. I was supposed to be better than this. On occasion my mind will just go back to these events like they just happened 5 minutes ago. It's haunting. A chill crawls up my spine and I get all choked up. I want to get on the phone with Tristan in those moments and apologize again. "Please forgive me Tristan, I am so sorry. I loved you so much and failed to show you. I'm so sorry for every bad word that escaped my lips or action that was anything but loving." Tristan and I don't talk anymore so I can't. Likely, even if I did, it would just make things worse. This is my baggage. I don't want to burden her with it and if she isn't thinking about it or feeling residual pain, thank God!

Ok, so you can see that I am totally loony, forgiveness of myself has always been a problem for me. Maybe it's because events like the failure of my marriage and some of the things I did to Tristan and how I acted shouldn't be forgiven. Other things, like the example I am about to share, perhaps forgiveness is a problem because a lesson should have been learned and it stays in your mind

so you never repeat the same mistake.

When we were small children my grandparents would take my brother, Jason, and I on "Sunday drives." It was the excitement for my grandfather after he spent the entire week working hard on the dairy farm. They would load us into the car and we would tour the countryside, or at least as far as the gas tank would take us. Jason and I didn't mind these trips because we got to spend time with

Gram and Gramp, and they always took us to lunch. One particular Sunday, When Jason and I were approximately 5 & 6 years old, we stopped at a diner to eat lunch. Gram told us if we ate all of our lunch we could order dessert. I was so excited. I finished lunch and ordered a piece of pie. Jason however, had one bite of hamburger left that he couldn't finish so he wasn't allowed to order

dessert. He started crying and with big tears in his eyes he asked me if I would finish his bite for him I was pretty oblivious. I was happily eating away at my piece of pie and couldn't possibly eat a bite of hamburger now or I wouldn't be able to finish the pie. So Jason didn't get dessert that day despite how hard he cried.

In hindsight, my grandparents weren't mean in any respect. Actually they were some of the kindest people in the world. They lived through the Great Depression and were likely trying to teach us a lesson. But, at that time it was painful. It dawned on me sometime after we left the diner that I had failed my little buddy. Jason looked up to me in every way and because of my selfishness I

couldn't help him out as big brothers are supposed to do.

(Ok Morrison, here is where the loony comes in.) It's been over 30 years since this Sunday drive occurred and yet even today, I get a lump in my throat when I think back to it. It doesn't make any sense. It was just a dumb hamburger. I have talked to Jason about it probably 100 times since then. Each time, he rolls his eyes and says, "Geez Chad, it was forever ago. I forgive you, forget about

it." Tears form in my eyes and I start giggle- laughing as I start to explain, as you only do when you know that you are being irrational and feel a bit silly. I express my remorse and finally Jason and I hug and laugh. I can't forgive myself for feeling like I failed my baby brother. I can't forgive myself for ever hurting Tristan in any fashion, and I can't forgive myself for failing Kassidy.

Of course, there are other failures in my life that I regret but these are the three that come to my mind the most.

As I said in the beginning, nothing real earth shattering here but I felt like I was being dishonest with you by not sharing it with you and instead sharing it with someone else.

Sincerely,

I received your letter #295 tonight. It is really a sad situation with Jackie. I wish I could just sit with her face to face.

After last night's letter, I got to thinking. I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but it seems odd (at least a little) that the majority of my supporters that are not related to me are women. Many mom's with young children. I guess this is the last demographic I expected help from.

If we want to get help from people, we cannot understate the impact that these DNA test results will have. The more info we find out about them, the more I am convinced of their value.

Kassidy had blood under every single fingernail! The only abrasion Kassidy had, before she left our home on the morning of the 9th was the small scratch under her eye that the kitten did, and which Amanda witnessed several nights previous. Also, there was the soreness on her lower lip which I saw after giving her a bath the previous night and which led me to skip the brushing of her teeth. At the time, that sore, whatever it was, or its source, was not bloody.