When Joann began to meditate regularly to
simply quiet her mind chatter, she became aware of how sad and angry she really was. The
floodgates opened. Joann realized she felt weak, isolated,
rejected, and unworthy most of the time. Out of balance, ungrounded,
and disconnected, she felt as though she’d lost a vital part of herself. She observed how she denied herself by pleasing others and how she couldn’t acknowledge herself without feeling guilty. She recognized that she was always trying to control what seemed to be a spiraling chaos around her,
yet it never worked. On a deeper level, she had known this all along
but had chosen to ignore it, pushing herself relentlessly and pretending that everything was okay.
Painful as it was, Joann was now looking at how she’d created her disease. She decided to become conscious of all of those subconscious thoughts, actions, and emotions that were defining her as the same personality who’d created this particular personal reality. She knew that once she could look at who she was being, it meant that she’d be able to change those aspects of herself. The more she became conscious of her unconscious self and
aware of her state of being, the more she gained dominion over what she’d hidden from view.
By early 2010, Joann felt that the progression of the MS had indeed slowed. Her goal then became to stop it altogether. In May, when she mentioned this idea to a neurologist who asked what her goals were with her disease, the doctor abruptly terminated her appointment. Instead of becoming discouraged, Joann was more intent after this incident.
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