Robert durst

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(Italics are him reading the poem. Non italics are him doing an aside to the audience.)


Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring. Not even a mouse.
So no witnesses.
The stockings were hung on the chimney with care,

Because that’s how I dry them. They just hang in the air.
With all the doors locked, everything in it’s place

I rubbed a green tea mask onto my face.

I find that it exfoliates my skin. Just makes it more believable when I have to use the Dorothy Ciner persona. Plus I like to be pretty. Anyway.

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter.

I ran outside and found a cadaver.
He was dressed in denim from his head to his toe

But his visage was hidden face down in the snow.

So I put on my glasses and lifted his head,

I knew in that moment it was my neighbor Ted.
We got along fine, he was always gardening late at night. In the snow. Someone had stabbed him. And then put the body on my lawn. I hope they find the guy. Anyhoo…
I picked up the phone, to call 9-11.

But then thought to myself, “Why spoil their fun?

They’re at home with their families, celebrating of course.

Why bother them now just to clean up a corpse?”
I picked up an axe and a saw from my shelf.

And cleaned up his body, all by my big self.
I cut up his stomach, his fingers, his toes,

His internal organs, his bright cherry nose.

I threw all his parts in a large garbage bag,

Then wiped off my hands with a dirty old rag.
It was getting quite late, I was starting to shiver.

So I put on my coat, and drove down to the river.

When I got to the river, I opened the trunk.

And put rocks in the bag to make sure he sunk.
I lifted the bag ‘ore my shoulder to hurl.

When who’d I see behind me, but a little girl.

My black eyes met her gaze, which caused her to flinch.

And she quietly whispered…

Please don’t hurt me, Mr. Grinch.

(If you can get Melissa to read that in the voice of a little girl, I think that’d be funny, but if she can’t, then you can just say it as Robert Durst impersonating a child.)


You see I was still wearing the green face mask. And my jacket was all red on account of Ted’s blood. What a farcical situation indeed.
She thought the bag was all full of toys.

That I’d stolen Christmas from good girls and boys.

And I said “They’re not toys, but I can’t have you peeking.”

Then I suddenly realized the garbage bag leaking.
She turned and she ran, up away in a dash.

And I knew that I had to be gone in a flash.

I threw in the bag, it made a kurplunk.

And I watched as his dismembered body parts sunk.
So that’s why I’m telling, at Radio City,

My side of the story, so you can take pity.

I’m an honorable citizen, fine and upstanding.

This whole ordeal is just a misunderstanding.
(At this point, I play Jeanine Pirro and I think I recorded lines like, “There he is boys, get him.”)

Oh, here we go, my luck’s back to zero,

Here come the cops, lead by Jeanine Pirro.
(I think Jeanine has a line where she goes “Don’t believe a word he says.)

As they put me in handcuffs, I heard Jeanine wail.


Merry Christmas, you bastard. Now you’re going to jail.

(Can you also record the following line? I’m putting it after 30 seconds of silence on the last track as a hidden track.)


Killed them all of course.
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