We open on: rooftop- night

WE OPEN ON: ROOFTOP- NIGHT

We see two thugs just settling down to count their stolen cash.

THUG #1: Hey, American Express card. (deep voice) Don't leave home without it. Hehe!

THUG #2: Hey, let's beat it man.

THUG #1: You sick bastard.

THUG #2: No, I don't like it up here. Not after what happened to Bobby Bobbins.

THUG #1: Look man, Bobby Bobbins got ripped and took a walk into Oprah's dressing room. No big loss.

THUG #2: That ain't what I heard at all. I heard... the bat got him.

THUG #1: The bat? Aaaw, man give me a break! There ain't, no, bat!

We watch as a shadowy bat creature glides down about six feet behind them.

THUG #2: Well you shouldn't have turned the gun on the homo man, you shouldn't have turned the gun on the homo.

THUG #1: You want your cut of the money or not?! Now shut up! Shut, up!

Suddenly the two look up to see Batman jump down at them. The two thugs sit up, and run to the door leading down the building. The first thug turns around and fires at the bat's nipples. Batman stumbles back, falling onto the ground.

The two thugs look at each other and grin, to look back and see Batman standing back up. He pulls out a batarang and tosses it around the second thugs ankles, yanking him towards a blender. The thug screams... his head is slammed in and twisted around like a twistie tie. Orange Julius sprays everywhere.

Now Batman turns to the first thug who is trying to open the door... he bangs on it. Unsuccessful. Batman comes up behind him, grasping the back of his neck. He sets him over the edge.

THUG #1: Don't rape me man! Don't rape me!

BATMAN: I want you to tell all your friends about me.

THUG #1: What are you?!

BATMAN: (pulling him up into his face) I'm Batman.

The dark knight tosses the thug across the way... he lands in a pile of slippy shit. Much of it, entering his mouth. Now Batman spreads his cape, and leaps off.

We cut to the side of the building... where the he is seen with a grunt face. He shivers in pain, fore his crotch has just hit a horizontal flag pole.

BACK ALLEY- MOMENTS LATER

We watch the shit thug being taken away by police. Some snooty reporter walks up to Eckhardt.

REPORTER: Lutitit Eckhardt, these fools around here be saying there's a six foot bat in Gotham City. (holding out tape recorder) Care to comment?

ECKHARDT: Eeh, their drinking drano.

Eckhardt walks away, eating a Little Dungy's Cupcake.

AXIS CHEMICALS- MIDNIGHT

We watch Eckhardt hand out slips of paper, each with a picture of Jack Napier, the right hand man of some bozo.

Eckhardt: All right, here he is. Shoot to kill. Know what I mean?

Everyone nods, and Eckhardt pulls out his gun.

Eckhardt: Let's go.

They move in.

INT. SIDE ENTRANCE

We watch Jack Napier standing before his goons. They open a safe. There is a slip of paper. Jack picks it up, it reads "Haha! I knew a bitch like you would fall for it!"

JACK: (crumpeling paper) We've been ratted out here boys. Watch it.

They load their weapons.

INT. MAIN ENTRANCE

We watch a garage door open. Just below, the feets of many men, standing with pride. But now, the door halts. A short pause. Now Gordon, followed by his cop buddies, have to crawl under to get in.

Dusting themselves off inside, they run into Eckhardt's men.

GORDON: I'm in charge now Eckhardt. And I'm telling you now, anyone who opens fire on Jack Napier will answer to me!

ECKHARDT: Whatever old man.

GORDON: What did you say?!

ECKHARDT: I said uuuh, whatever... lude bitch.

Gordon slowly walks up into this fat ass's face. A pause.

GORDON: That's better.

The men move out together, through the maze of this chemical plant.

INT. CATWALK

One of Napier's goons walks along, looking down... he shoots a passing cop. Then grins. Suddenly Batman glides down. He kicks the goon over the railing then quickly ties him around the rail.

Looking down to watch his catch dangle, Gordon steps by just underneathe.

GORDON: Oh, my, god.

GOON #1: Let me down! Let, I say let, let me down! AAH!

Batman walks away to beat up some more of them.

INT. STAIRWELL

Jack Napier runs up the stairwell and flips a switch in a hurry. Suddenly the ground beneathe him collapses.

JACK: (grabbing the ledge) Son of a...!

Jack lifts himself up, then flips the switch right next to it in even more of a hurry. Suddenly the wall lifts up, and Jack enters what now is revealed to be an elevator.

INT. THIRD LEVEL

The elevator door opens, and Jack steps out. A cop is sitting down at a coffee table right by the nuclear combustion tube. This cop is about to take a bite of a donut but looks up to see Jack shoot him dead.

COP: (shot in gut) Huron!

Jack now runs along, only to stop... facing the exit. He pants heavily, turning his head down at the bundle of cops who have rounded up most of his men.

Eckhardt walks out from the darkness, picking his nose.

JACK: Hey Eckhardt! Think about the future!

ECKHARDT: Why?

Jack fires a bullet into Eckhardt's throat.

ECKHARDT: (holding bleeding throat) HAK!

Eckhardt backs up into a wall, dying. Jack grins, but then Batman comes up... judo chopping the gun out of his hands. Batman then straightens Jack up by the tie, and BITCH SLAPS him over the balcony into a pot of steaming acid.

JACK: AAAAAAAAHHH!

GORDON: (to Batman) Hold it right there.

Batman freezes his pose... stanced with his hand at his crotch.

BATMAN: Are you sure?

GORDON: Eh gad!

Batman now looks both ways to see cops coming at him in both directions. He throws down a smoke pellet, then ascends through the golden skylight.
WAYNE MANOR- THE NEXT NIGHT

Bruce Wayne is reading a book entitled "Snootch the Bootch a Lootch".

One floor down, Alfred the butler picks up the phone and presses a button.

In the library, the phone rings and Bruce answers it.

BRUCE: Hello?

ALFRED: Sir, Vicki Vale says she'll be running a little late for dinner at the art palace.

BRUCE: Okay thanks... wait a minute, Alfred. Who the hell is Vicki?

One moment passes.

THE ART PALACE- MINUTES LATER

We watch Vicki Vale sit patiently at her table for two. She's waiting peacefully. Suddenly a waitor walks up and gives her a present.

WAITOR: This just arrived for you, miss Vale.

The waitor walks away and Vicki opens it. There's a note that reads "Put this on or no pudding!" Just under the note is a shiney pink gas mask. She puts it on quickly just as some gas floats around.

The customers and employees fall under the stench of something that won't kill them, oh no... it'll just make them wish they had.

Suddenly the front doors bust open, and a clown walks in with some goons following him.

JOKER: Gentlemen! Let's begin. Florence, Prince!

Florence puts in a tape of Prince, and plays it as The Joker and his goons begin their raiding of the palace.

PRINCE-
All hail!
The new king in town!

The Joker wipes a brush of white against a dark painting of two women kissing.

PRINCE-
The funkiest bitch...
In some reddish gown.

He turns it into a couple of old woman kissing. Four goons are painting numerous pictures and sculptures different colors.

PRINCE-
Black and white!
Shit a stream!
I'll tell you what his name is!
Party man! Party maaAn!

The Joker, followed by his goons dance their way upstairs. The Joker runs up to Vicki, and the music goon turns the stereo off. Vicki takes off the gas mask.

JOKER: Your beautiful, in an old fashion way. But I must tell you I'm quite sick of these stereotypes. THIS is attractive, THAT is not. Sure you're a slut, but that don't mean we can't help each other out.

VICKI: I'm meeting someone.

JOKER: Aah yes, well... it's an out right lie. I set it up. Anyway... is this your dinner?

Vicki nods, and the Joker slides the plate his way. He begins to slurp some soup, then takes a big bite out of her supreme taco.

JOKER: (chewing) That's damn good.

VICKI: (sitting up) What do you want?

The Joker sits up, walking towards her.

JOKER: A little song, a little dance... the Batman's head on a lance.

VICKI: I don't know anything about Batman.

The Joker pulls out a newspaper, a picture of Batman running away from an ice cream truck. Under the image, it reads "Photographed by Vicki Vale".

VICKI: (cont.- backing up into wall) I was drunk that night!

JOKER: (intrigued) Really?

Vicki, fed up with his bullshit, spits an enormous splash of spit in his face.

JOKER: OOOHHhhhh! I'm melting! I'm melting, I'm melting! GAAAEEH!

Vicki goes to comfort him, but he spins around... with white skin.

JOKER: BOO!

VICKI: AAAH!

Suddenly the window above BUSTS, and down comes Batman right beside her. He pulls her up to his chest and then pulls the trigger to his grappeling gun. It shoots out in opposite directions, and now the goons load their weapons. Batman ascends with Vicki...

BATMAN: Hang on.

She holds tight, and the two glide ahead towards the front doors as gun fire ensues. The two bust out the front, with Batman quickly closing the door behind them. Now he props a dead guard in such a poise that it can't be opened... at least without the guard being mangeled a little.

We cut back to the Joker.

JOKER: Where does he get those wonderful toys?

We cut back to Batman leading Vicki Vale down the flight of steps.

BATMAN: Get in the car.

Batman hops in, with Vicki staring in sheer amazement. We hold on Batman as he stares straight ahead, as if he is about to accelerate the Batmobile at anytime. We cut back once more to Vicki.

BATMAN: I said get in the fucking car, bitch!

Vicki snaps out of her awkward stance, then hops in just as the Joker's goons bust out. They fire at the car as it speeds out of sight.

BATCAVE- 10:00 PM

The batmobile speeds into the cave. The top slides open, Batman and Vicki get out. Suddenly a big screen television turns on.

ALFRED: Master Bruce, might I suggest you go out with Vicki Vale? She really is a nice catch.

VICKI: Bruce? You're Batman?

BATMAN: Alfred, you bastard.

ALFRED: Oops.

The television turns off.

MINUTES LATER

Bruce walks out of his dressing room. A long stare between himself and Vicki.

VICKI: Why do you do this?

BRUCE: I saw my parents get killed when I was a child. Jack Napier did it, so I did him in. Now it seems the joke's on me cause he's back, and if I don't figure out a way to stop him... the city will be in serious risk.

VICKI: I don't want to hear your bitching, I want to know why you do what you do.

BRUCE: Because nobody else can.

Bruce stomps a couple feet away, with Vicki slowly following him. She comforts him with a hands on the shoulder.

BRUCE: (cont.) He's out there tonight, and I've got to go to work.

We watch Batman suit up... with Vicki sitting in a recliner watching him. She eats popcorn, and drinks soda as if at the movie theatre.

QUIET FOREST ROAD

The batmobile speeds down, brushing leaves away.

AXIS CHEMICALS

The batmobile turns onto the property, heading deep into the area. Two big machine guns turn up out of the long front and shoot an entrance into the, no longer, enclosed center pit.

Several of the Joker's guards fire at the car, but now a small bomb shoots out of the front right wheel. We watch Axis Chemicals blow to bits.

Dramatic music plays, as the car drives past the flames, now exiting the property and stops in front of Batman. Suddenly, a helicopter soars above.

JOKER: (through an intercom) Up in the air! Junior Batman! Haha, missed me! Hahahahaaa! He, yah! Watch me!

Batman looks up and sees the Joker, but in doing so loosens his belt... it falls down around his ankles. The cape crusader picks it up and straightens. Then looks up at the Joker soaring away.
MAIN STREET- MIDNIGHT

We watch a parade of balloons roll down the street, with the Joker in front.

PRINCE:
Trust! Who do ya?
Trust! What makes yah a real lover?
Trust! Kickin' tight right!
Trust! Go suck a nut!

The Joker begins to throw out several bundles of cash. He dances, waving his hands around at the cheery crowd.

PRINCE: (cont.)
Money! How much will make yah happy?
You can have it all, if it suits you right.
Sex! It's just that type of party!
Girl, kickin' to-night!
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! HOO!

The song dies out, and the Joker gets on the microphone.

JOKER: Now who do yah trust? Me? I'm giving out free money... and WHERE, is the batman. He's at HOME! Washing his tights! Ah hahahaha!

Up above in the sky...

INT. BATPLANE

Batman at the controls, watching spyscreen.

BATMAN: (washing his tights) Not a chance!

EXT. MAIN STREET

We watch Vicki Vale taking pictures of this parade. Up on the moving stage again, the Joker pulls out a remote control.

JOKER: (pulling out antenna) Now... comes the part, where I relieve you the little people, of the burden, of your failed and useless lives. But, as my man whores always said.... if yah gotta go down... go with a smile! Ah heeheeheehee!

He presses the big red button, and the ballons begin to spew out mush-gas. We watch Vicki running away screaming, dropping her camera on Waldo's foot.

WALDO: YAAAAAAAHHH!

CUT TO: BOOK

Two children lie on the ground above a book.

LITTLE GIRL: There he is!

CUT TO: MAIN STREET

The batplane soars down between the two rows of buildings, and out comes a giant clamp. The plane soars just under the giant balloons and brings it with it. The batplane soars up into the sky, and releases them.

JOKER: He stole my balloons.

The Joker shoots a dog in the leg. The dog limps away whining.

Suddenly the batplane comes down for seconds. We watch the Joker proceed to head past the screaming crowd. He pulls out a long gun from his pants, and as the bat comes at him... he fires.

Vicki watches from afar as the plane ZIPS by... smoking.

INT. PLANE

We watch Batman wave some smoke away from his face as he coughs. We pan down, and in his grasp, is a bong.

The plane skids up to the stairway of an old tall church. Vicki runs up to it, as sparks fly. She searches for the bat, but no such luck. Suddenly the Joker is aiming the long gun at her.

JOKER: Darling?

VICKI: Fuck you!

The Joker grinds his teeth, then grabs her by theback of the neck.

JOKER: Let's go teach you some respect.

The Joker takes Vicki into the church, just as Batman breaks through the wreckage. He steps up to the church, entering it as well.

CHURCHTOP- 12:15 AM

Batman lifts a sewer lid, now climbing to the top level of the church. He looks around, his cape wiping behind him. Suddenly a chinese-ninja thug jumps through the air, screaming like a banshee.

Batman waits in silence, and as the thug gets just two feet away, Batman grabs his crotch.

CHIN-NIN: YAAAARRGGHH!

Batman lets go and the thug falls to the ground in serious pain. Now Batman DDTs the thug through the flooring, and he falls wildly downward to his death. Batman lifts his head up now, to see the Joker dancing with Vicki. She stumbles along, not really wanting to.

They twist and twirl around, then...

BATMAN: Excuse me...

The Joker looks to his right.

BATMAN: (cont.) You ever prance with the google on a stale moon light?

Batman punches the Joker across the face... Vicki runs off screaming. She runs into a wall knocking herself out. Batman heads for the Joker, going for another attack.

BATMAN: (pointing) You killed my parents.

JOKER: (wiping away blood) What? What are you talking about? Hey bat brain, I was a kid when I killed your parents, and... hey you can't really... well...

BATMAN: Shut your mouth, sucka!

Batman pops the Joker in the lip. The Joker holds it in pain, spitting out some blood, and a chatting-toy-jaw. A short pause. Now the Joker punches Batman in the gut.

JOKER: (holding) Agh! Yo man, you fool! You dropped me into that vat of chemicals! We're even!

Batman kicks the Joker through a wooden patch. He rolls off the side. Batman helps Vicki up, and the two run over to the ledge looking down.

VICKI: He's not down there.

Suddenly the Joker pulls the two over. They find themselves dangeling , and the Joker just above them.

JOKER: Hoohoohoo! Hey BATSY! How's it hanging?!

He begins to kick at the weak bricks, then laughs. Batman grunts, and Vicki throws up some soggy bread. Suddenly the Joker's helicopter arrives. The Joker grasps his hand, smiling.

JOKER: (cont.) Well... it's time to retire! feel free to drop in!

Batman grabs the Joker by one of the ankles, throwing him off the edge.

JOKER: (cont. falling, screaming) Whoa! Whoa! AAAAAAH! HEHE!! AAAAAAAAAAHH!!

Batman now begins to help Vicki up, but in that, they both fall. She screams, and Batman pulls out his grappeling gun. Pulling the trigger, it connects with the ledge they were just on.

OUTSIDE MEETING- 12:30 AM

The Joker is laughing, crushed into the ground. Gordon investigates, but finds nothing. He checks in his mouth to find he's actually laughing.

CUT TO- 1:00 AM

Gordon speaks to all the Gotham crowd. Suddenly he is interrupted.

REPORTER: So, how do we call this Batman guy?

GORDON: (pulling down curtain) He gave us this signal!

He turns it on and a bat shows up, a spotlight shining into the sky. We watch Vicki Vale stare at just that. Suddenly Alfred opens the door to a peice of shit car. He shuts the door behind her and gets in.

INT. PEICE OF SHIT CAR

Vicki stares out the window.

ALFRED: Master Wayne told me to tell you he'd be running a bit late.

VICKI: Shut up, Alfred.

They drive away.

EXT. BUILDING SIDES