Avri robert shacham joke categories

“Your Holiness,” - said one of the Cardinals, - “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews, or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.”

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

“Not to worry,” - said the Cardinal, - “we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres. We can't lose!”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match:

“I came in second, your Holiness,” - said Nicklaus.

“Second?!!” - exclaimed the surprised Pope. - “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!”

“No,” - said Nicklaus, - “I came in second to Rabbi Woods.”

“Kimoshito, your wife Itsiko is having an affair with a Jewish man.”

Kimoshito took the first plane back to Tokyo and confronted his wife:

“Itsiko is this true?”

Itsiko replied:

“Kimoshito-san, who is the meshuga who has been telling you all this?”

“Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama.”

The son was shocked and asked his father to tell him what happened.

“I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up.”

“But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?”

“It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it any more than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.”

“But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?”

“No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.”

“Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm taking the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there.”

“Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder*. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore.”

Half an hour later Morris received a call from his daughter who told him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

“Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the phone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there.”

Morris promised. After hanging up, Morris turned to his wife and said:

“Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah...**”

Sadie: “That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before answer I give him.”

Sadie: “Oy vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?”

Yetta: “No... I'm just saying that if you do, you should wear a shmatta (=rag).”

THE CLEVEREST BY FAR
Asked, what he considered the cleverest invention, the Pole scratched his head and answered:

“I would say that it is the thermos bottle.”

“Can you explain why?” - asked his mate.

“Somehow it always seems to know that a cold drink has to be kept cool and a hot one warm.”

“What did you do at recess?”

Alice: “I played in the sand box.”

Teacher: “That's good. Go to the blackboard and if you can write correctly 'sand', I'll give you a freshly-baked cookie.”

Alice did and got a cookie.

The teacher asked Billy what he did at recess.

Billy: “I played with Alice in the sand box.”

Teacher: “Good. If you manage to write correctly 'box' on the blackboard, I'll give you a freshly-baked cookie.”

Billy did and got a cookie too.

The teacher then asked Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He said:

“I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me.”

Teacher: “They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can write on the blackboard 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a cookie.”

“My daring" – he whispered – "I know dis you firs time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want, you juss  ask... so... whatchu want?" – he said, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hoped will impress her.

A thoughtful silence followed and he waited patiently (and eagerly) for her request. After a while she shyly whispered back:

"I want to try someting I have heard about from other gurls... Numbaa 69."   

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asked her:

"You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegetable?"    

“But I just want to speak to Schwarcz for a while,” - protested the man.

“Nothing doing! Today, nobody can go in without a ticket.”

“It’s a matter of life and death. Please let me in. I promise I'll only be five minutes.”

At last the attendant relented:

“All right. I shall let you pop in for just five minutes, but you can rest assured that I shall throw you out on your ear if I catch you saying even one word of prayer!”

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

“Could I please sit in that seat?” - he asked. The lady was insulted.

“You Americans are so rude,” - she said, - “can't you see my dog is sitting there?”

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

“Lady, I love dogs - I have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I may sit down,” - he said. The lady replied:

“You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant.”

He leaned against the wall for a time, but he was so tired that he finally said:

“Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?”

The lady replied:

“You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up:

“Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not, but I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”
TEETOTALER
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender said:

“You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replied:

“Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”

The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar and always drunk the same way: He ordered three pints and drunk them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars noticed and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said:

“I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eyes and he laughed:

“Oh, no,” – he said, – “everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking.”

“What's in the bags?”

“Sand,” - answered Juan.

The guard said:

“We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.”

The guard took the bags and ripped them apart, emptied them out and found nothing in them but sand. He detained Juan overnight and had the sand analyzed, only to discover that there was nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard released Juan, put the sand into new bags, hefted them onto the man's shoulders and let him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happened. The guard asked:

“What have you got?”

“Sand,” - said Juan.

The guard repeated his thorough examination and discovered that the bags contained nothing but sand. He gave the sand back to Juan and Juan crossed the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events was repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan didn't show up one day and the guard met him a few weeks later in a cantina in Mexico.

“Hey Buddy,” - said the guard, - “I knew you were smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about, I can't sleep. Just between us, what were you smuggling?”

Juan sipped his beer and said:

“Bicycles.”

“You come every day to the Wall. What are you praying for?”

The old Jew replied:

“What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.”

The journalist was taken by the old Jew's sincerity and persistence.

“You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?”

The old Jew nodded.

“How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?”

The old Jew became reflective and then replied:

“How long? Maybe twenty, twenty five years.”

The journalist was flabbergasted.

“You mean you have been coming to the wall for all those years to pray for these things?”

The old Jew nodded. The amazed journalist finally asked:

“How does it feel to come and pray every day for over twenty years for these things?”

The old Jew replied:

“How does it feel? It feels like I’m talking to a wall.”

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said:

“I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”

An hour later, the Cardinals asked the Pope what had happened. The Pope said:

“First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of Original Sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.

“What happened?” - they asked.

“Well,” - said Moishe, - “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”

“Yes, yes .. and then???” - asked the crowd.

“I don't know,” - said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

“I'm very impressed with your waiter. Where did he learn Yiddish?” – he asked the owner.

“Shhh,” – the owner replied. “He thinks I'm teaching him English!”
respectFUL GUYS
After almost 60 years of happy marriage, Weiss's wife has passed away and the old man found it difficult to manage on his own. His son's wife was - to say it mildly - not enthusiastic at the idea of her father-of-law moving in with them, so Weiss junior, after a lot of soul searching, convinced his father to move into an old folks' home. As at the only Jewish institution in their town there were absolutely no vacancies, the son decided to put his father into a Christian home. Actually it was a very exclusive establishment, located on top of a hill, surrounded by a spacious park and luxuriously appointed.

The old man adjusted to his surroundings in a relatively short period and seemed to be enjoying the place's multiple facilities. After a few weeks, some friends paid him a visit and asked him how he is getting along in his new home.

“They are quite respectful at this place,” - said old Weiss - “look at that chap with a polo cap over there, for example. He won many a golf tournament in his time and even though he has not touched a club in fifteen years, they still call him 'Champ'. And that guy at the pool, he has worked for forty years as an airline pilot. On account of his shaking hands, he has not been near an airplane in more than ten years, but everybody still addresses him as 'Captain'.”

“And what about you?” - asked the friends.

“Me? I have not touched a woman in five years, but they still call me 'Fucking Jew'.”
what’s in a name?
Harry Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a club known never to have had a Jewish member. This deterred Harry not at all. First, he went to court and had his name changed from Harry Moses Abramovitz to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher. Then he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland, who transformed his Semitic profile into a Nordic one. Then he hired a tutor from England to change his Hester Street (New York Jewish) accent to the mellifluous modality of Regent Street. Then Harry worked his way into the graces of several members of the Country Club. Two years after launching upon his project, Howard Frobisher, nee Harry Abramovitz, appeared before the membership committee. The chairman said:

“Please state your name.”

In plumy Oxonian accents, Harry said:

“Howard Trevelyan Frobisher.”

“And where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?”

“The usual places: Eton...Oxford...”

The chairman beamed.

“And what is your religious affiliation?”

“Goy*.”
* Hebrew, one who is not Jewish, non-Jew.
JEWISH FLY
A guy offered to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar. She gave him the green light, so he went to the end of the bar and whispered to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and put some Spanish fly in the drink. The bartender whispered back to say he’s all out of Spanish fly and all he has left is Jewish fly.

“Jewish fly?” – shrugging his shoulders, the guy said – “OK, put some of that in her drink.”

As she sipped the drink, she got more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy. Finally, she finished the drink, leaned over and in a low, slow and sexy voice whispered in his ear:

“Let’s go shopping!”

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more, they had to know whom they had found. They called the police and said “we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa, or somebody important.”

The police said its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”

“Well, who was it?”

“The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

“Dad, I need to tell you something. Samuel and I want to get married and we’d like your blessing.”

Arthur’s father practically exploded, his face turned red and was literally speechless for ten minutes. When he finally regained his composure, he replied:

“Arthur, you CANNOT marry Samuel! For God’s sake, Arthur,... he’s Jewish!”

“Excuse me, sir” - he asked the old gentleman, - “where did you get all this money?”

“Vell, I'll tell you,” - the old man began, - “for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls where the men were peeing and I said... ‘Give me a dollar for Israel, or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife!’”

“That's quite a story,” - the customs agent said, - “but what's in the second suitcase?”

“Vell, you know,” - said the old Jewish man shaking his head, - “not everyone likes to give to Israel!”
the best OF ALL
An Irishman, an Italian and a Polish guy were in a bar. They were having a good time and all agreed that the bar was a nice place. Then the Irishman said:

“Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agreed that that sounded like a nice place. Then the Italian said:

“Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”

Everyone agreed that that sounded like a great bar. Then the Polish guy said:

“You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink and then they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” - said the other two. “That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” - he replied, - “but it happened to my sister!”

“Would ye look at that, Darby!” - said Clancy. “What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!”

Both men shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then, when he was satisfied no one was spying on him, darted into the house.

“Did ye see that, Darby?” - Clancy asked in shock and disbelief.

“Is nothing holy to those Jewish people?” - Darby replied. “I can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!”

A little while later they saw a third man, a Catholic priest, lurking about the house and looking around to see if any one was watching and then he quietly sneaked in the door.

“Oh, Darby, look!” - said Clancy, removing his cap respectfully. “One of the poor girls must have died”!