Sample Answer
-
Look at an example of a piece of description. A Year 10 pupil was asked to write a humorous description of their local town or village.
-
How well does he use to description to capture the reader’s attention and entertain us?
-
Pupils record their comments in the column provided.
-
Feedback their comments and discuss as a class. Teacher reveals Examiner’s comments on OHT.
-
Take a class vote on what grade you think he deserves overall. Compare with examiner’s grade.
Task:
Everyday places can become disturbing at night. Choose one of the following settings and write a description of it by day and by night:
(a) an old house (b) a school (c) a bus shelter
Descriptive Texts
-
Tucked into the folds of the Serra de Tramuntana on Mallorca’s rugged north coast, the small resort of Cala Sant Vicenc, must count as one of the island’s most delightful corners.
-
It looks great. It makes the Audi TT – with which it partly shares a profile – seem about as classy as a pair of white stilettos. It has the softness and cuteness that Japanese sports cars tend to go in for, but without giving the impression – the way some Mazdas and Toyotas do – that what it really longed to be was a bumper car.
-
Light on; click. In the yellow bath of the bedside lamplight, she examined her left arm, holding up the lamp, insensate sausage with her right hand. It interested her, how heavy just one little arm could become when the muscles inside it stopped working; even more interesting to realise how much work those muscles must be doing even when you thought they were relaxed.
-
The columns of smoke merged and became a monstrous curtain which blocked the sky … There were fire hoses along the side of the road, climbing over one another like a helping of macaroni, with those sad little fountains spraying out from the leaks, as they always seem to do from all fire hoses.
Sample Essay – Teacher Copy
|
Comments
|
On a small point of the map of Britain, in the south-east, in the middle of nowhere lies an unheard of, uninteresting and more often than not unseen village that goes by the name of Ixworth.
|
This is a good opening paragraph. It sets the scene well. Would it be better if it was a little shorter?
|
Already you may have an impression in your mind as to just how exhilarating the village is, but whatever you imagine is all false, the reality of things is worse than you can imagine and no matter how hard I try, words just won’t be able to explain the sheer terror that inhabits this small village. When entering Ixworth, you are deprived of the real world and enter a place where you automatically feel unwanted and out of place. This is mainly due to the fact that 99% of Ixworth is occupied by people over the age of 60, who have lived there from their great great great granddad’s day, and by now, have had 5 children who haven’t visited for 30 years and don’t intend to either as they’ve more sense than their parents. They know what happens when you visit. It’s simple really, you just come along, unaware of the signs put before you as you enter. You see road signs with messages such as ‘Welcome to Ixworth.’ This is what death is like printed in front of you, but you choose to ignore it until it is too late. You enter, just for a few hours, to see your parents who you haven’t seen in a few years and instantaneously, you end up there for a few days, listening to the locals’ constant jabbering on about how the teenagers shouldn’t be allowed to hang around in parks and why computers have ruined the 20th century.
|
The way he introduce the reader as ‘you’ is good. It makes the style much more direct.
|
Before you know it, those few days have turned into weeks and as you struggle to leave, you no longer have the energy. This place is Ixworth.
|
Nice balance of a longer then a shorter sentence. This shows the ability to control language.
|
Sample Essay
|
Comments
|
There is nothing to gain from living here. There are no happy rainbows hiding behind the clouds and there is no happy ending. It’s just a nightmare, which appears never ending. Many things are lost when entering Ixworth. There have been a few robberies here and there and we all suspect there to be some sort of Old Age Pensioner Secret Society lurking somewhere, but the one thing you created for yourself and is lost is hope. You suddenly begin to forget all of the things that are important and focus on escape. Your animal drives come in to full function and everything is an isolated blur, which is made hazy due to the pain that must suffer from living here. Here, being Ixworth.
|
Some good descriptive writing here, and some well-thought-out jokes.
|
For a village, I suppose it isn’t that bad. I mean, we’ve got the local shop, dentists, doctors, butchers, garage, police station and fire station. I mean, that can’t be a bad thing, can it? Wrong. You’ve got a bunch of over-aged, over-weight and incompetent buffoons, trying to achieve a simple task, and failing miserably. The shop tends to sell more out-of-date stock than fresh. The police seem to sleep more than work and the firemen are never needed apart from when a corpse has to be carried out from a house and it’s so heavy, the locals are unable.
|
The change to more positive points at this stage unexpected. Perhaps it needs an initial connective – such as ‘On the other hand …’
|
I’m not sure if anyone is aware of a possible exit from Ixworth. If I were to rename it, then ‘Village of the Damned’ would be a perfect and more realistic title. We are all damned to a life of failure, like a curse in the air, it shall spread from person to person, leaving them in a job which just about pays the bills and gives them money to buy a pint at the local pub, every Friday. This one day will be me, as it is unstoppable, like a plague.
|
More comical moments.
|
If you’d be so kind to listen for a moment, I have some advice to offer you and it may be the best advice you ever hear. Stay well clear, of Ixworth.
|
The ending feels a bit flat. I can see that he wants to pull the writing together but it needs more drama.
|
A good example of the way descriptive writing can help us to visualise places, even though this one is done negatively. Some of the jokes work well. Some paragraphs are a bit long and some of the points feel a bit repetitive. Grade B.
Sample Essay
Sample Essay
|
Comments
|
On a small point of the map of Britain, in the south-east, in the middle of nowhere lies an unheard of, uninteresting and more often than not unseen village that goes by the name of Ixworth.
|
|
Already you may have an impression in your mind as to just how exhilarating the village is, but whatever you imagine is all false, the reality of things is worse than you can imagine and no matter how hard I try, words just won’t be able to explain the sheer terror that inhabits this small village. When entering Ixworth, you are deprived of the real world and enter a place where you automatically feel unwanted and out of place. This is mainly due to the fact that 99% of Ixworth is occupied by people over the age of 60, who have lived there from their great great great granddad’s day, and by now, have had 5 children who haven’t visited for 30 years and don’t intend to either as they’ve more sense than their parents. They know what happens when you visit. It’s simple really, you just come along, unaware of the signs put before you as you enter. You see road signs with messages such as ‘Welcome to Ixworth.’ This is what death is like printed in front of you, but you choose to ignore it until it is too late. You enter, just for a few hours, to see your parents who you haven’t seen in a few years and instantaneously, you end up there for a few days, listening to the locals’ constant jabbering on about how the teenagers shouldn’t be allowed to hang around in parks and why computers have ruined the 20th century.
|
|
Before you know it, those few days have turned into weeks and as you struggle to leave, you no longer have the energy. This place is Ixworth.
|
|
Sample Essay
|
Comments
|
There is nothing to gain from living here. There are no happy rainbows hiding behind the clouds and there is no happy ending. It’s just a nightmare, which appears never ending. Many things are lost when entering Ixworth. There have been a few robberies here and there and we all suspect there to be some sort of Old Age Pensioner Secret Society lurking somewhere, but the one thing you created for yourself and is lost is hope. You suddenly begin to forget all of the things that are important and focus on escape. Your animal drives come in to full function and everything is an isolated blur, which is made hazy due to the pain that must suffer from living here. Here, being Ixworth.
|
|
For a village, I suppose it isn’t that bad. I mean, we’ve got the local shop, dentists, doctors, butchers, garage, police station and fire station. I mean, that can’t be a bad thing, can it? Wrong. You’ve got a bunch of over-aged, over-weight and incompetent buffoons, trying to achieve a simple task, and failing miserably. The shop tends to sell more out-of-date stock than fresh. The police seem to sleep more than work and the firemen are never needed apart from when a corpse has to be carried out from a house and it’s so heavy, the locals are unable.
|
|
I’m not sure if anyone is aware of a possible exit from Ixworth. If I were to rename it, then ‘Village of the Damned’ would be a perfect and more realistic title. We are all damned to a life of failure, like a curse in the air, it shall spread from person to person, leaving them in a job which just about pays the bills and gives them money to buy a pint at the local pub, every Friday. This one day will be me, as it is unstoppable, like a plague.
|
|
If you’d be so kind to listen for a moment, I have some advice to offer you and it may be the best advice you ever hear. Stay well clear, of Ixworth.
|
|
Descriptive Writing Task
Everyday places can become disturbing at night. Choose one of the following settings and write a description of it by day and by night:
(a) an old house
(b) a school
(c) a bus shelter
Exam Hints:
-
Brainstorm ideas first.
-
Write down interesting words which will help you to evoke the right atmosphere.
-
Think about your first sentence – how will you grab the reader’s attention?
-
How many different senses will you manage to include?
-
How will you organise your writing into paragraphs?
-
How personal will you make the writing? Or will you keep it entirely detached?
Share with your friends: |
