Getting married, at an ever rising price

Getting married, at an ever rising price

A bride in an exquisite creamy white gown walks down the aisle toward the groom in a smart tuxedo and wearing a wide grin. A string quartet adds ambience and guests admire the couple as the marriage ceremony unfolds. What the guests don't know is that in the past three months, the couple fought almost every day and broke up at least five times. Many days ended with the bride-to-be crying and her prospective husband annoyed or angry.

It was not because they didn't love each other, the 26-year-old newlywed said. It was the stress and the heavy expenses they faced as they prepared for their wedding in March. „Suddenly, it was no longer about the two of us, and most of the things that we had agreed on meant nothing as soon as our parents entered the picture,“ said the bride, who asked to go by the alias Kim Ji-na. The rows were mainly over choosing and buying gifts for future in-laws, with her husband's parents discreetly asking for more in return for getting them a house and Kim facing up to the traditional obligation to buy high-end presents.

The couple's tumultuous experiences are commonplace in Korea, where a large portion of „honsu,“ or marriage expenses, is spent on extravagant gifts exchanged between the families of the bride and groom.

„Wedding culture in Korea represents a lot of things: children's excessive dependence on parents; excessive interference by parents; a disproportionate emphasis on economic factors in marriages; and a feeling of unfairness that occurs as the groom's family gets a higher say in preparations,“ said Kim Young-ran, a researcher at the Korean Women's Development Institute. Although weddings in general have become less extravagant in recent years because of tighter economic conditions, with couples opting to spend more wisely and efficiently, extravagant honsu is still rampant, particularly among higher income groups, she said. Also, in a society where children usually live with parents until they get married, the economic burden on the entire household becomes extremely high, Kim said. „It is thus becoming more common for couples with fewer financial advantages to postpone marriage, which delays them starting a family,“ she added.

When Koreans marry, the man usually buys or rents an apartment or house while the woman must fill the house with necessary furniture and electronic equipment. It becomes trickier – and expensive – with presents. The bride is obliged to buy gifts ranging from a 2 million won mink coat to paying out several millions of won in cash for the groom's immediate family members. The groom is also hit hard. In addition to finding an apartment or house, his family is obliged to send a „ham,“ a box of presents for the bride that traditionally includes diamond and pearl jewelry sets, a designer bag and wallet and clothes to wear during the honeymoon.

The Korea Consumer Protection Board conducted a survey last year involving 418 couples who wed in the past two years and found the average marriage expenses were 90.9 million won ($ 70,000) per couple. About 70% of the money went to buying or renting an apartment or house, and 20% on gifts for family members. Most middle-class families end up spending far above the average.

Kim Ji-na, whose father is a retired banker, said her family spent approximately 100 million won for her wedding, as well as the household goods, gifts and the actual ceremony. For gifts, Kim bought a 2 million won mink and spent another 2 million won for a designer bag, jewelry and „hanbok“ (Korean traditional costume) for her mother-in-law. Additionally, she spent 2 million won on suits for the groom, brother-in-law and father-in-law, 500,000 won on a bag for her sister-in-law and 5 million won in cash for 12 other relatives-in-law. Kim's husband, whose father is a retired businessman, spent about 150 million won to rent an apartment in central Seoul and some 7 million on gifts for Kim and the wedding ceremony. Kim said both she and her husband generally followed their parents' wishes but nonetheless felt several of the gifts were unnecessary.

Many agree with Kim that some of the spending on marriages is excessive, the Consumer Protection Board survey said. Of the newlyweds questioned, 98% said the current wedding culture must be amended, while only 2% said it was a „laudable custom.“ Altogether 38.7% of those who viewed the honsu culture as too spendthrift blamed long-standing Korean fears that maintaining one's reputation demanded „doing as much as others do.“ About 30% cited flamboyance and 17% said it was a material-oriented social trend. Nearly 96% said they felt the gift exchange culture should change since it often not only involves gifts but also cash.

„Giving presents to the in-laws as a mean of paying respect for the new family counters today's modernization of family formation that centers on the couple more than families,“ the report said. In the past, most marriages were a consolidation of two families to carry on a family name. Parents thus played a huge part in marriages with the bride usually moving in to live with her in-laws. Gifts were exchanged to represent gratitude and as a greeting. The meaning of honsu is highly distorted nowadays and the value of gifts is used as measure of a family's social status and wealth, the report added.

A 29-year-old bride-to-be, who wished to be identified only by her family name, Kim, said: „The level of extravagance relies on how much the groom puts into preparing a home. The more money put into buying or renting a house, the more gifts the bride must provide.“ Kim, who plans to marry next month, said she and her fiance decided to simply exchange rings and get a mortgage together to lease an apartment.

But any couple who follows the example of Kim and her fiance needs the sympathetic understanding of both their families, as well as a strong dependency on each other. „Most of the couples that get married in their late 20s and early 30s are usually not capable of buying a house for themselves. So, they either choose to delay marriage or depend on their parents,“ researcher Kim Young-ran said. In the survey of newlyweds, nearly 62% said they relied for most of their marriage expenses on their parents, while over 54% said they spent more than they expected. Another 40% said they had arguments with their partners over how much to spend on their wedding.

In a thesis „Problems and alternatives for honsu culture,“ Prof. Kim Jung-ok of Catholic University of Daegu pinpointed five main areas for change: Bride and groom must try to bear an equal amount of the expenses; parents must shift their beliefs and accept the independence of children following their marriage; the newlywed couple must learn to be independent; more social support, such as loan and mortgage benefits, should be available to newlyweds. Honsu culture could be maintained if gift exchanges remain true to their original intent, as a token of welcome and appreciation, Prof. Kim wrote.

„A healthy marriage is so much more important than having a jaw-dropping wedding and presents,“ said Kim Ji-na. „I did not realize it at the time as I was caught up in the moment, but now I know I could have used all the money spent on expensive bags and presents so much more efficiently in our daily lives. „I would do it over again, differently, if I could, but of course with the same man,“ she said, with a grin.

http://times.hankooki.com/lpage/opinion/200406/kt2004062015445554060.htm

The Abuse Of Cultural Norms

According to the time honored Confucian custom here in Korea, age plays an important factor in determining one’s status in relation to another. For this reason, you hardly ever find employees in Korean companies who have bosses younger than themselves. The age factor helps determine the role and place of individuals in family, business, friendship, even dating. Living and working in Korea I can accept this cultural peculiarity but what strikes me as downright strange is when Westerners adopt this for themselves.

Such is the case at one of my jobs where the oldest foreign male employee has essentially usurped the role of „leader“ or „director“ despite the equal status of the four non-Koreans working there. He feels that he has the right to be in charge because he is the most senior amongst us and even treats younger Korean personnel as subordinates although this happens not to be the case at all. He is so driven, judgmental and opinionated you would think he were the boss or something. To me, it is almost comical to watch him „take charge“ since none of the other expatriates working for the company recognize him as such or follow his authority but at times the situation can get downright annoying, uncomfortable and stressful. The only reason I haven’t told him off yet is to maintain the peaceful company atmosphere and I have no intentions of starting up some new rivalry with another co-worker.

The Koreanization of expatriates is to some extent inevitable the longer we stay in the Land of the Morning Calm. In most cases this includes appreciation of Korean cuisine, developing language skills, taking in a traditional performance, making friends with locals, late night drinking rituals, and reflexively bowing a little when greeting a business contact and bowing even deeper when meeting a superior. Mannerisms and ideological principles are also greatly affected. I always take my shoes off when entering the apartment nowadays and my wife complains I am too stubborn and demanding like a Korean man.

I don’t think I was this way many years ago but simply changed with my environment and the people around me, mostly Korean businessmen. But, one thing I never would stoop to doing is playing the age card. I have never treated anyone differently because they were younger or older than me, instead I took into account their character, friendliness, intelligence and sincerity, and their level of achievement in their professional career, in evaluating how much respect or „honors“ to bestow on another individual. To kowtow to another overseas guest who has the same job, level and salary as me is ridiculous and unnatural. I simply will refuse to play this game any longer and if it leads to conflict, so be it. It is a shame when expatriates use Korean culture to suit their needs by embracing those aspects that work to their advantage while rejecting those they either don’t agree with or are somewhat disadvantageous to them.

For example, this same co-worker refused to disclose his exact age to the rest of us at first with the excuse that telling us could be used against him. So he uses his obvious age seniority to lord over us and try to issue orders to others but isn’t candid enough to tell us his age because he is afraid it might affect his position in the company. He told us that in Korea if a Korean male weren’t employed at a company by the age of thirty, he would never be able to get a job. While I doubt the accuracy of this statement, I do understand the hardship older workers have landing a job, perhaps much harder than newly minted college graduates but under such dire economic times, every age segment is finding gaining employment a seemingly unreachable illusion.

This co-worker, and I am sure we have all had dealing with others just like him, routinely manipulates and exploits the time-honored Korean system of business and personal relations to suit his selfish, self-centered agenda. It is a sham when foreigners pick and choose the things (customs and habits) they like about Korea like an ajumma (Korean married woman reaching middle age) sifting through fruits and vegetables at the local market, only picking the ones seen as most appealing and agreeable while rejecting the rest. They think their quasi-brand of culture is the real thing but it is nothing but a smokescreen. When they return to their homeland and tell others about Korea, do you think they know what they are talking about or truly understand the slightest bit about Korea life, society and culture? Would they make good representatives and give an accurate picture of what Korea is about? The answer is absolutely not. One cannot sea the blue sky through red tinted sunglasses and one cannot tell accurate stories or pass insightful information about a foreign country such as Korea with one eye shut and one ear closed during their stay.

http://www.nuku.de/korea/

Eine koreanische Hochzeitsfeier

Gestern Nachmittag durfte ich an einer koreanischen Hochzeitsfeier teilnehmen. Ich selbst kannte das Brautpaar nicht, aber eine Freundin von mir ist mit der Schwester der Braut befreundet. So kam es, dass sie mir vor einigen Tagen beim Abendessen anbot: "Komm doch mit, ein kostenloses Essen!". So weit, so gut.

Die Hochzeit fand in einem Hotel statt. Kurz vor 17.00 Uhr sind wir eingetroffen, und es ging auch gleich los: Einzug von Braut und Braeutigam in westlicher Kleidung, dazu etwas Popmusik, Ansprache, Ja-Wort. Kein Kuss, kein Ring. Dafuer aber ueberall Kameras, damit das anwesende Publikum jeden Schritt des Paares auf den beiden Grossleinwaenden auch verfolgen kann. Ich hatte allerdings den Eindruck, dass viele der Anwesenden wirklich nur an dem Essen interessiert waren. Besonders toll war dies aber auch nicht: Es gab eine Art Mischung aus koreanischen Beilagen (Kimchi, Reis, Nudeln) und westlichem Dinner (Hacksteak, Karotten). Nach dem Essen, also ca. 1,5 Stunden spaeter, sind viele bereits gegangen. Das Brautpaar hat sich schliesslich fuer die traditionelle koreanische Zeremonie umgezogen.

Koreanische Hochzeit - Traditioneller Teil

Bei dieser haben kaum Gaeste zugeschaut, ich fand sie aber wesentlich schoener als den kitschigen "westlichen" (amerikanischen?) Teil der Feier. Nach insgesamt nur 2 Stunden waren aber auch wir bereits wieder auf dem Heimweg.

Mein Fazit: Traditionelle koreanische Hochzeitskleidung ist wirklich schoen, feiern sollte man aber lieber in Deutschland

http://news.ncmonline.com/news/view_article.html?article_id=5acd70e559544e803c744c721f237961

Korean 'Pretty Boy' Trend is Too Much

Korea Times, Park Moo-jong, Nov 11, 2003

As Flora is the goddess of flowers in the Roman mythology, flowers represent beauty and symbolize the feminine beauty of women. But the flower is no longer a symbol reserved only for women – at least in Korea.

An expression in vogue these days is „flower Adonis,“ which describes boys in their late teens and early twenties who are „beautiful“ as flowers, with some of them more feminine that some women, enough to make them jealous.

The term may have originated with World Cup football star Ahn Jung-hwan now in his late twenties who is often compared to David Beckham of England. Such pretty boys include actors Kim Rae-won and Won Bin and singer Kang Ta, to name a few.

The flower Adonis men, most of whom are idols for teenagers, are contributing to the trend of men investing more and more time and effort to look better.

The sales of men’s cosmetics, excluding shampoo, conditioner and hair styling products, are growing rapidly, making the industry an attractive one. The cosmetics industry, traditionally believed to target women, has a new target segment now: men. No longer do cosmetics represent a „women only“ market. Many players are coming up with skincare products for men.

For instance, a „color lotion“ with the brand name Man Holding a Flower, which hit the market last year, surprised even the product’s maker with $ 4 million in sales for the first six months. Its success was partly owed to the soccer star that modeled for its TV advertisement. This unique cultural phenomenon was even discussed internationally as the Los Angeles Times reported about it in a feature story from Seoul last month.

The U.S. paper attributed the phenomenon to an ultra-competitive society, especially when it comes to jobs, quoting people in the industry. It said market research indicates the best customers are middle-aged businessmen who are trying to compete for jobs and promotions.

Many men remember with some humor their young days of curiosity when they sneaked into the room of their mother or sister to try out their cosmetics. Now, they have grown up to be adults and face an era where men wear makeup openly.

As early retirement has increasingly become a major trend in this prolonged recession, more and more people are become concerned about looking younger to be more competitive to survive the rat race.

Dying one’s hair is the first step. These days, plastic surgeons are busy removing moles, dark spots and wrinkles for their male clients. Botox is one popular treatment. It is well known that the nation’s most famous man had Botox injections to smooth out wrinkles in the forehead.

Men-only skincare shops are flourishing, with an increasing number of males using special cosmetics other than aftershave and lotions turning the market into a very lucrative one with 210 billion won ($ 175 million) in sales in the first 10 months of the year.

Professional matchmakers agree that many of their male clients could increase their chances after a makeover in hairstyle and general appearance. The ability to make money used to count most, but these days looks are worth more, they say.

Korean women who spend more time at hair salons than the rest of the world are also influencing their husbands or boyfriends to pay more attention to taking care of their faces.

In short, there can be no problem with the desire of men as well as women to look better. But there is something wrong about men having to try to look more pretty to survive in today’s economically and socially competitive world.

The more gender lines blur, the more people will scramble to find their identity.

In particular, men are understandably shaken by a world where being a man has no longer any clear definition with the role of women rapidly expanding and volatility in society creating stress.

As proved by the girlish pretty boys’ monopoly of major entertainment and programs on TV, traditional men who rely on their strong natural appeal risk being endangered in these superficial times.

An Internet survey showed that it would not be that strange for middle-aged men in their 40s and 50s to wear colorful makeup after five to 10 years.

Even 17% of the male respondents said they are willing to use lipstick for men if such products become available. One day, men may start going to the bathroom in pairs to touch up their foundation.

It’s funny to imagine a man running low on makeup in the near future. Will he suspect his sister or best friend?

Maintaining a good image is a fine thing and the effort must be rewarded. Yet, the truth is: Too much is as bad as too little.

http://www.manager-magazin.de

25. September 2006

Kontaktpflege in Korea: "Da wird nicht getrunken, da wird gesoffen"

Von Alexia Angelopoulou

Kaum ein Topmanager, der nicht Erfahrung im Ausland gesammelt hat, und kaum ein Topmanager, der danach nicht von seltsamen Begebenheiten, kuriosen Verhandlungen und grandiosen Missverständnissen berichten könnte. Mitglieder der manager-lounge haben sich deshalb auf die Spur des Geschäftslebens in Korea gemacht.

Stuttgart – "Die Menschen stolpern nicht über Berge, sondern über Maulwurfshügel", hat der chinesische Philosoph Konfuzius gesagt, dessen Lehren Asien bis heute prägen. Wie recht er damit hat, weiß jeder, der einmal mit einem ausländischen Geschäftspartner verhandelt hat und dabei in erster Linie über kleine Benimm- und Verständnisfehler gestolpert ist. Vor allem die asiatische Kultur macht es Europäern nicht immer leicht. Umso wichtiger, einen Aufenthalt in China, Japan oder eben auch Korea gut zu planen.

"Rund 90 Prozent aller Manager bereiten sich nicht richtig vor", ist die Erfahrung von In-Ho Johann Kim, Head of Strategy & Legal Affairs der nanoCrypt AG in Stuttgart. Der Koreaner ist in Deutschland aufgewachsen und weiß, wie es um die potenziellen Fettnäpfchen, die kulturellen Unterschiede und die gängigen Schwierigkeiten zwischen Deutschen und Koreanern steht.

In den 20 Managern, die am manager-lounge-Treffen teilnehmen, hat er kenntnisreiche Zuhörer gefunden. Fast jeder von ihnen war bereits geschäftlich in Asien unterwegs, manchmal sogar für Jahre dort stationiert. Kein Wunder, dass in der Diskussionsrunde die Wellen hochschlagen und die schönsten Geschichten ans Licht kommen.

"Wundern Sie sich nicht, wenn Ihr koreanischer Geschäftspartner in der Sauna plötzlich anfängt, Ihnen den Rücken zu schrubben", sagt In-Ho Johann Kim und erntet dafür ausgelassenes Gelächter. In die Sauna zu gehen gehört bei koreanischen Geschäftsleuten zur dritten Stufe der Verhandlungen. Diese Stufe wird jedoch nur erreicht, wenn man grundsätzlich sympathisch ist.

Ob dem so ist, wird zunächst beim Essen herausgefunden – und natürlich beim obligatorischen Alkoholgenuss. "Da wird nicht getrunken, da wird gesoffen", sagt Kim, und wieder nicken die meisten in der Runde zustimmend. "Ist das aber nicht ein Gesichtsverlust, wo es doch in Asien so wichtig ist, das Gesicht zu wahren?", will ein Manager wissen. "Wir zeigen auf diese Weise mehr von unserem inneren Charakter, deshalb wird Trinken als vertrauensfördernd angesehen", erklärt Kim. "Und abgesehen davon ist es recht günstig, Asiaten betrunken zu machen", fügt er schmunzelnd hinzu.

Der perfekte Sprachsalat

Viele große und kleine Dinge sind es, die den Weg ebnen können. "Achten Sie darauf, frische Socken anzuziehen, vielleicht nicht gerade welche mit Micky Maus drauf", sagt Kim und versichert: "Das ist kein fiktives Beispiel." Bei Verhandlungen sitzt man gut und gerne zwei Stunden im Schneidersitz und sollte deshalb auf die Fußbekleidung achten.

„Überhaupt, die Zeit! "Planen Sie mindestens drei Mal so viel Zeit für Verhandlungen ein, wie Sie normalerweise ansetzen würden." Wichtig ist dabei, die gefassten Beschlüsse mehrfach zu wiederholen um sicherzugehen, dass von derselben Sache geredet wird – vor allem, wenn die Geschäftssprache wie in den meisten Fällen Englisch ist. "Da kommt der Deutsche mit seinem Denglisch und der Koreaner mit seinem Konglisch, wie wir sagen, und schon ist der Sprachsalat perfekt."

Neben der Sprache gilt es, Verständnis für koreanische Denkmuster zu entwickeln. In dem stark konfuzianisch geprägten Land ist es wichtig, den anderen einordnen zu können. Deshalb fragen koreanische Geschäftsleute den ausländischen Partner auf eine Weise aus, die uns zudringlich erscheinen mag. "Wer bist Du, was hast Du studiert, bist Du verheiratet, hast Du viele Kinder und auf welche Schule gehen sie?" – "Das kann penetrant wirken", gesteht In-Ho Johann Kim, "aber diese Fragen werden auf jeden Fall kommen."