Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Saturation

Day in, day out, billions of cells in us are creating chemicals, burning stored energy, storing new energy. All in the service of the enormous flow of trillions upon trillions of impressions that are carried into the body by the billions of nerve cells that serve us both inside the body and on its exterior. I would suspect that the synaptic connections that get made within the body in the average day are in the trillions of trillions of trillions. Maybe even Google connections, meaning, one followed by a hundred zeroes -- which is the actual meaning of the word, go look it up in the dictionary if you don't believe me.

In order to find a manageable middle ground, the mind tends to avoid contact with a great deal of what flows into the body. The point of spiritual work is to expand the awareness so that we are not only more aware of the levels above us, but also the levels below us. This means we have to become more aware of the body and the cells.

In doing so, we discover, perhaps, just how tiring it is to engage in the ordinary process of living. We discover what it means when myriad impressions flow into this vessel. We discover that the body is much more sensitive than we ever thought it was, that it is suffused with more energy than we ever knew about, that it uses more resources than we ever suspected.

If anything, this deepens our respect for the body and its work. We have been given an extraordinary tool with which to experience this life. ...Of course, it is much more than that; nonetheless, we must start here with the words in order to find a path to the place where there are none.

Today, I feel saturated. Just meeting ordinary requirements has been difficult, as usual, and on top of that I have had to stay close to myself and repeatedly examined my organic condition, where I am, what the experience is, and try to maintain a specific thread of awareness that connects all of that inner life to the outer circumstances.

Today in particular, that was more difficult. There were certainly two streams of life coexisting, but it was difficult to join them. I found myself inside myself more than I found myself inside myself relating to what was outside. I certainly did not find myself completely identified much with what was outside too often.

It takes a special effort to bring it all together. If we choose to reside solely in sensation in the organic experience of being, this is not enough. It may well be miraculous, but it is just a support system in the end. It's great to have a flagpole, but a flagpole doesn't serve if we don't run a flag up it.

Of course, in my experience, there are days when there just is not enough of the material that it takes to form these connections. I don't think we should get frustrated by this. We have to be patient. After all, the welding of the inner organs into a cohesive whole is a project that takes years to accomplish. There are many times when we need to accept the specific conditions we find ourselves in with the understanding that we don't need to force the attention into a connection that happens -- at that particular moment -- to be inappropriate to the work that needs to be done.

In other words, there may be a reason that things appear to be difficult. It may not be that we are deficient; it may just be that there is work being done down there under the surface that we don't know that much about, that is entirely necessary, that we shouldn't screw around with by kicking it in the seat of the pants.

A year ago or more, I characterized this by pointing out that there are many situations where we think we are lacking in our work when, in fact, we are really working at capacity and it is about the best we can do. We only have so much available to us. The best we can do is use it wisely.

Using it wisely means not trying to be Superman all the time.

There is ample support for our work available at all times, but it may not look like we expect it to look, and it may not be what we expect it to be. In fact, I suspect that support comes from the most unlikely places, at the most unlikely times, in the most unlikely forms.

As long as we keep putting one foot in front of the other, and our efforts are as sincere as we can make them, we need to trust in ourselves -- without judgment -- that what we have within us supports us, and our efforts are positive---

that there is a possibility.

may your trees bear fruit, and your wells yield water.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

We can change

Today, as I was saying goodbye to the staff and my Shanghai office, I discovered to my great horror that I had an impulse to hug everyone.

Perhaps I should explain. For my entire life, I have never been a hugging person. I detest people that hug. The whole practice is a repellent to me. Even hugging my own mother has always worried me somehow.

I think that I must have spent a number of lifetimes in Japan. I feel reasonably certain of this, because for many, many years, my whole attitude towards people has been that we should bow formally with our hands at our sides whenever we wish to express any kind of affection whatsoever. People who hug scare me. When they come at me, I get nervous and sweaty. I want to run the other way.

So discovering that I had this impulse to hug people blew my freaking mind.

It was organic. It was intimate. I actually wanted to do it, which is so contrary to my natural impulses of the past that none of it made any sense.

I suppose this goes to show that work can change us. It can soften us. We can become a little more human, a little less reserved.

Maybe this steel skin that we all wear can slough off a bit.

I am leaving China to return to the United States today. I remarked to a close friend in e-mail earlier today that the time spent here has felt like a journey through an eternity of time, and across vast, immeasurable spaces. Life itself begins to feel like a caravan moving through the desert, through landscapes that change one forever, so that when one emerges on the other side, it is as though everything that went before it died, and as though a new life is beginning.

May we all begin a new life together now, and every day. Much love to you all, whoever you are, wherever you are, and whatever you are doing.

May your trees bear fruit, and your wells yield water.

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