Chapter 20: Page 2
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I had the middle watch, you know, but I was pretty sleepy by that time, so Jim he said he would stand the first half of it for me; he was always mighty good that way, Jim was. I crawled into the wigwam, but the king and the duke had their legs sprawled around so there warn’t no show for me; so I laid outside—I didn’t mind the rain, because it was warm, and the waves warn’t running so high now. About two they come up again, though, and Jim was going to call me; but he changed his mind, because he reckoned they warn’t high enough yet to do any harm; but he was mistaken about that, for pretty soon all of a sudden along comes a regular ripper and washed me overboard. It most killed Jim a-laughing. He was the easiest nigger to laugh that ever was, anyway.
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I had the middle watch, but I was pretty sleepy by that time, so Jim said he’d take the first half of it for me. He was really good about things like that. I crawled into the wigwam, but there wasn’t any room for me because the king and the duke had their legs sprawled. So I lay down outside—I didn’t mind the rain because it was warm, and the waves weren’t very large. They started getting bad again around two o’clock, though. Jim was going to call me, but he changed his mind after deciding they weren’t yet high enough to do any harm. He was mistaken about that, though, because pretty soon a huge wave came along all of a sudden and washed me overboard. Jim nearly died from laughter. He laughed more often than any n----- I’d ever seen.
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I took the watch, and Jim he laid down and snored away; and by and by the storm let up for good and all; and the first cabin-light that showed I rousted him out, and we slid the raft into hiding quarters for the day.
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I took the watch, and Jim laid down and started snoring. Pretty soon the storm let up for good. I woke him up when I spotted the first cabin light from the shore, and we found a place to hide the raft for the day.
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The king got out an old ratty deck of cards after breakfast, and him and the duke played seven-up a while, five cents a game. Then they got tired of it, and allowed they would “lay out a campaign,” as they called it. The duke went down into his carpet-bag, and fetched up a lot of little printed bills and read them out loud. One bill said, “The celebrated Dr. Armand de Montalban, of Paris,” would “lecture on the Science of Phrenology” at such and such a place, on the blank day of blank, at ten cents admission, and “furnish charts of character at twenty-five cents apiece.” The duke said that was HIM. In another bill he was the “world-renowned Shakespearian tragedian, Garrick the Younger, of Drury Lane, London.” In other bills he had a lot of other names and done other wonderful things, like finding water and gold with a “divining-rod,” “dissipating witch spells,” and so on. By and by he says:
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The king pulled out a ratty old deck of cards after breakfast, and he and the duke played seven-up for a while, betting five cents per game. Then they got tired of it, and figured they would “come up with a campaign,” as they called it. The duke dug deep into his carpetbag and pulled of a lot of printed bills and read them out loud. One bill said, “The celebrated Dr. Armand de Montalban of Paris” would “lecture on the Science of Phrenology” at such-and-such a place at such-and-such a time. Admission was ten cents, and you could also buy “charts of character” for twenty-five cents apiece. The duke said these bills were of HIM. Another bill advertised the “world-renowned Shakespearean tragedian, Garrick the Younger, of Drury Lane, London.” Other bills displayed different names and advertisments for other great feats, such as finding water and gold with a “divining rod,” “dissipating witch spells,” and so on. Eventually he said:
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“But the histrionic muse is the darling. Have you ever trod the boards, Royalty?”
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“Ah, but the histrionic muse is the best. Have you ever trod the boards, Royalty?”
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“No,” says the king.
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“No,” said the king.
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“You shall, then, before you’re three days older, Fallen Grandeur,” says the duke. “The first good town we come to we’ll hire a hall and do the sword fight in Richard III. and the balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet. How does that strike you?”
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“Well, you will before the next three days are up, my Fallen Royalty,” said the duke. “In the next town we come to, we’ll rent out a public hall and put on the sword fight from Richard III and the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. What do you think of that?”
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“I’m in, up to the hub, for anything that will pay, Bilgewater; but, you see, I don’t know nothing about play-actin’, and hain’t ever seen much of it. I was too small when pap used to have ’em at the palace. Do you reckon you can learn me?”
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“I’m up for anything that’ll make us some money, Bilgewater. But, you see, I don’t know anything about acting. I haven’t seen many plays. I was too small when pap used to have them performed at the palace. Do you suppose you can teach me?”
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“Easy!”
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“Easily!”
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“All right. I’m jist a-freezn’ for something fresh, anyway. Le’s commence right away.”
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“All right. I’m dying for a fresh new scheme anyway. Let’s get started right away.”
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So the duke he told him all about who Romeo was and who Juliet was, and said he was used to being Romeo, so the king could be Juliet.
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So the duke told him all about Romeo and Juliet. He said the king could be Juliet since he himself was used to playing the part of Romeo.”
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“But if Juliet’s such a young gal, duke, my peeled head and my white whiskers is goin’ to look oncommon odd on her, maybe.”
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“But Juliet’s supposed to be a young girl, duke. My bald head and white whiskers are going to look pretty funny on her, I think.”
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“No, don’t you worry; these country jakes won’t ever think of that. Besides, you know, you’ll be in costume, and that makes all the difference in the world; Juliet’s in a balcony, enjoying the moonlight before she goes to bed, and she’s got on her night-gown and her ruffled nightcap. Here are the costumes for the parts.”
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“You don’t need to worry about that—these country bumpkins won’t even notice. Besides, you’ll be in costume, and that makes all the differene in the world. Juliet’s in a balcony, enjoying the moonlight before she goes to bed, and she’s wearing her nightgown and her ruffled nightcap. Here are the costumes for all the parts.”
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He got out two or three curtain-calico suits, which he said was meedyevil armor for Richard III and t’other chap, and a long white cotton nightshirt and a ruffled nightcap to match. The king was satisfied; so the duke got out his book and read the parts over in the most splendid spread-eagle way, prancing around and acting at the same time, to show how it had got to be done; then he give the book to the king and told him to get his part by heart.
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He pulled out two or three suits made from calico used for curtains. He said one was made to look like medieval armor for Richard III and the guy he fights. He also had a long white cotton nightshirt and a matching ruffled nightcap for the girl. The king was satisfied, so the duke got out his book and read the lines aloud, prancing around and acting them out while he read. Then he gave the book to the king, and told him to memorize his lines.
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There was a little one-horse town about three mile down the bend, and after dinner the duke said he had ciphered out his idea about how to run in daylight without it being dangersome for Jim; so he allowed he would go down to the town and fix that thing. The king allowed he would go, too, and see if he couldn’t strike something. We was out of coffee, so Jim said I better go along with them in the canoe and get some.
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There was a little one-horse town about three miles down around the bend in the river. After dinner, the duke said he’d figured out a way so that we could travel during the day without putting Jim in danger, and that he’d have to go to town to set it up. The king said he would go with him to scout out any good opportunities. We were out of coffee, so Jim said that I should go with them in the canoe and get some more.
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Chapter 20: Page 3
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When we got there there warn’t nobody stirring; streets empty, and perfectly dead and still, like Sunday. We found a sick nigger sunning himself in a back yard, and he said everybody that warn’t too young or too sick or too old was gone to camp-meeting, about two mile back in the woods. The king got the directions, and allowed he’d go and work that camp-meeting for all it was worth, and I might go, too.
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There wasn’t anyone around when we got to the town. The streets were empty—perfectly dead and still, like it would be on a Sunday. We found a sick n----- sunning himself in the backyard. He said that everyone who wasn’t too young or sick or old had gone to a camp meeting about two miles into the woods. The king got directions from him and said he’d go scam those people for all they were worth. He said I could go come along.
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The duke said what he was after was a printing-office. We found it; a little bit of a concern, up over a carpenter shop—carpenters and printers all gone to the meeting, and no doors locked. It was a dirty, littered-up place, and had ink marks, and handbills with pictures of horses and runaway niggers on them, all over the walls. The duke shed his coat and said he was all right now. So me and the king lit out for the camp-meeting.
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The duke said he needed to find a printing office. We found a small one housed above a carpenter’s shop. Both the carpenter and the printer had gone to the meeting and left the doors unlocked. It was a dirty place with lots of junk lying around. There were ink marks and handbills showing pictures of horses and runaway n------ posted all over the walls. The duke removed his coat and said that he’d be okay, so the king and I headed for the camp meeting.
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We got there in about a half an hour fairly dripping, for it was a most awful hot day. There was as much as a thousand people there from twenty mile around. The woods was full of teams and wagons, hitched everywheres, feeding out of the wagon-troughs and stomping to keep off the flies. There was sheds made out of poles and roofed over with branches, where they had lemonade and gingerbread to sell, and piles of watermelons and green corn and such-like truck.
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It was a really hot day, and we were dripping with sweat after the thirty minutes or so walk it took to get there. There were about a thousand people there who’d come from miles around. The woods were full of horses and wagons hitched up everywhere. The horses were eating out of the wagon troughs and stomping around to keep the flies away. Lemonade and gingerbread were being sold out of sheds made from poles with roofs of branches. Piles of watermelon and green corn and the like literred the ground.
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The preaching was going on under the same kinds of sheds, only they was bigger and held crowds of people. The benches was made out of outside slabs of logs, with holes bored in the round side to drive sticks into for legs. They didn’t have no backs. The preachers had high platforms to stand on at one end of the sheds. The women had on sun-bonnets; and some had linsey-woolsey frocks, some gingham ones, and a few of the young ones had on calico. Some of the young men was barefooted, and some of the children didn’t have on any clothes but just a tow-linen shirt. Some of the old women was knitting, and some of the young folks was courting on the sly.
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There were also much larger sheds where crowds of people gathered to hear the preaching. There were benches made from the outside of sawed logs—they had holes bored into the round side of the log to drive sticks in for the legs. The benches didn’t have any backs. The preachers stood on high platforms at one end of the sheds. The women wore sunbonnets, and some wore linsey-woolsey frock, while others had on gingham frocks. A few of the young ones had calico frocks. Some of the young men were barefooted, and some of the children were naked except a tow-linen shirt. Some of the old women were knitting, and some of the young folk were secretly flirting with each other.
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The first shed we come to the preacher was lining out a hymn. He lined out two lines, everybody sung it, and it was kind of grand to hear it, there was so many of them and they done it in such a rousing way; then he lined out two more for them to sing—and so on. The people woke up more and more, and sung louder and louder; and towards the end some begun to groan, and some begun to shout. Then the preacher begun to preach, and begun in earnest, too; and went weaving first to one side of the platform and then the other, and then a-leaning down over the front of it, with his arms and his body going all the time, and shouting his words out with all his might; and every now and then he would hold up his Bible and spread it open, and kind of pass it around this way and that, shouting, “It’s the brazen serpent in the wilderness! Look upon it and live!” And people would shout out, “Glory!—A-a-MEN!” And so he went on, and the people groaning and crying and saying amen:
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In the first shed we came to, the preacher was going over a hymn. He said the first two lines, and everyone sang it back. It sounded kind of grand, because there were so many people, and they sang in such a stirring way. He said two more lines, and they would sing, and so on. The people got more and more into it, singing louder and louder. Toward the end of the hymn, some people began to groan, and some even began to shout. Then the preacher began to preach with a lot of passion. He’d weave to one side of the platform, and then he’d weave to the other. Then he’d lean down over the front with his arms waving and his body moving all the time, while he shouted his words with all his might. Every now and then he’d hold up his Bible and spread it open and pass it around, shouting, “It’s that devilish serpent in the wilderness! Look at it and live!” People would shout out, “Glory! A-MEN!” While the people groaned and cryed and said amen, he continued preaching:
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“Oh, come to the mourners’ bench! come, black with sin! (AMEN!) come, sick and sore! (AMEN!) come, lame and halt and blind! (AMEN!) come, pore and needy, sunk in shame! (A-A-MEN!) come, all that’s worn and soiled and suffering!—come with a broken spirit! come with a contrite heart! Come in your rags and sin and dirt! the waters that cleanse is free, the door of heaven stands open—oh, enter in and be at rest!” (A-A-MEN! GLORY, GLORY HALLELUJAH!)
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“Oh! Come up here to the mourner’s bench! Come all of you, who are black with sin! (AMEN!) Come, all you who are sick and sore! (AMEN!) Come, all you who are lame and crippled and blind! (AMEN!) Come, all of you who are worn out and tired and suffering—come with your broken spirit! Come with your guilty heart! Come in your rags and sin and dirt! The waters that will clean you are free to you! The door of heaven stands open to you! Come in and be at peace! (A-A-MEN! GLORY, GLORY HALLELUJAH!)”
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And so on. You couldn’t make out what the preacher said any more, on account of the shouting and crying. Folks got up everywheres in the crowd, and worked their way just by main strength to the mourners’ bench, with the tears running down their faces; and when all the mourners had got up there to the front benches in a crowd, they sung and shouted and flung themselves down on the straw, just crazy and wild.
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And so on and so on. You couldn’t make out what the preacher was saying after that because of all the shouting and crying. Folks throughout the crowd stood up and fought their way to the mourner’s bench with all their might. Tears were running down their faces. When all the mourners had gotten up to the benches in front, they sang and shouted and flung themselves down on the straw floor, as if they were crazy or wild.
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Well, the first I knowed the king got a-going, and you could hear him over everybody; and next he went a-charging up on to the platform, and the preacher he begged him to speak to the people, and he done it. He told them he was a pirate—been a pirate for thirty years out in the Indian Ocean—and his crew was thinned out considerable last spring in a fight, and he was home now to take out some fresh men, and thanks to goodness he’d been robbed last night and put ashore off of a steamboat without a cent, and he was glad of it; it was the blessedest thing that ever happened to him, because he was a changed man now, and happy for the first time in his life; and, poor as he was, he was going to start right off and work his way back to the Indian Ocean, and put in the rest of his life trying to turn the pirates into the true path; for he could do it better than anybody else, being acquainted with all pirate crews in that ocean; and though it would take him a long time to get there without money, he would get there anyway, and every time he convinced a pirate he would say to him, “Don’t you thank me, don’t you give me no credit; it all belongs to them dear people in Pokeville camp-meeting, natural brothers and benefactors of the race, and that dear preacher there, the truest friend a pirate ever had!”
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Well, before I knew it, the king had jumped in the mix. You could hear his voice over all the others. In no time he was charging up to the platform. The preacher begged him to speak to the people, and he did. He told them he was a pirate—had been a pirate out in the Indian Ocean for thirty years—and that he’d lost most of his crew last spring in a battle. Now he was home to take on some fresh men, but he had been robbed last night and kicked off a steamboat. He was penniless, but he was glad it had happened. It was the most blessed thing that had ever happened to him. Now he was a changed man and happy for the first time in his life. Even though he was poor, he was going to start right away working his way back to the Indian Ocean. He would devote the rest of his life to putting other pirates onto the true path. He said he was more qualified than anyone else to do this because he knew all the pirate crews in that ocean. And he said that even though he was broke and it would take him a long time to get there, he’d still find a way. Every time he converted a pirate, he’d say to him, “Don’t thank me—I don’t deserve the credit. It belongs to those dear people at the Pokeville camp meeting—the kindest white folks in the world live out there—and that dear preacher, who was the truest friend a pirate ever had!”
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Chapter 20: Page 4
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And then he busted into tears, and so did everybody. Then somebody sings out, “Take up a collection for him, take up a collection!” Well, a half a dozen made a jump to do it, but somebody sings out, “Let HIM pass the hat around!” Then everybody said it, the preacher too.
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Then he burst into tears, and so did everyone else. Then someone called out, “Take up a collection for him, take up a collection!” Half a dozen people offered to start one, but then someone cried out, “HE should pass the hat around!” Everyone agreed, including the preacher.
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So the king went all through the crowd with his hat swabbing his eyes, and blessing the people and praising them and thanking them for being so good to the poor pirates away off there; and every little while the prettiest kind of girls, with the tears running down their cheeks, would up and ask him would he let them kiss him for to remember him by; and he always done it; and some of them he hugged and kissed as many as five or six times—and he was invited to stay a week; and everybody wanted him to live in their houses, and said they’d think it was an honor; but he said as this was the last day of the camp-meeting he couldn’t do no good, and besides he was in a sweat to get to the Indian Ocean right off and go to work on the pirates.
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So the king went through the crowd with his hat, wiping his eyes and blessing the people and praising them and thanking them for being so kind to the poor pirates way out in the Indian Ocean. And every now and then, a really pretty girl would ask him, with tears running down her cheeks, if it would be all right if she kissed him so that he’d remember her. He always said yes, and some of them hugged and kissed him five or six times. He was invited to stay the whole week, and everyone wanted him to live in their house, saying it would be an honor to have him. But he said that he wouldn’t be able to stay, since this was the last day of the camp meeting. Besides, he said, he was in a hurry to get back to the Indian Ocean to get to work converting those pirates.
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When we got back to the raft and he come to count up he found he had collected eighty-seven dollars and seventy-five cents. And then he had fetched away a three-gallon jug of whisky, too, that he found under a wagon when he was starting home through the woods. The king said, take it all around, it laid over any day he’d ever put in in the missionarying line. He said it warn’t no use talking, heathens don’t amount to shucks alongside of pirates to work a camp-meeting with.
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When we got back to the raft, the king counted up the money in the collection. He said he’d gotten eighty-seven dollars and seventy-five cents. He’d also stolen a three gallon jug of whiskey from under a wagon as we headed through the woods on our way home. The king said that, all in all, this was the biggest haul he’d ever made with a religious scam. He said that talking about wanting to convert Indians and other heathens wasn’t nearly as successful as claiming to want to convert pirates.
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The duke was thinking HE’D been doing pretty well till the king come to show up, but after that he didn’t think so so much. He had set up and printed off two little jobs for farmers in that printing-office—horse bills—and took the money, four dollars. And he had got in ten dollars’ worth of advertisements for the paper, which he said he would put in for four dollars if they would pay in advance—so they done it. The price of the paper was two dollars a year, but he took in three subscriptions for half a dollar apiece on condition of them paying him in advance; they were going to pay in cordwood and onions as usual, but he said he had just bought the concern and knocked down the price as low as he could afford it, and was going to run it for cash. He set up a little piece of poetry, which he made, himself, out of his own head—three verses—kind of sweet and saddish—the name of it was, “Yes, crush, cold world, this breaking heart"—and he left that all set up and ready to print in the paper, and didn’t charge nothing for it. Well, he took in nine dollars and a half, and said he’d done a pretty square day’s work for it.
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The duke said that he had thought HE’D done pretty well that day, but he had come to think differently after hearing the king’s story. He’d set up a little scam for farmers and had started by printing some horse bills in the printing office. He’d taken the money, four dollars. And he’d sold ten dollar’s worth of advertisements for the newspaper, which he said he’d accept if they paid four dollars in advance, which they did. A newspaper subscription cost two dollars per year, but he’d taken advance payment of one dollar apiece for three subscriptions. The customers had planned on paying him in firewood and onions, as is usual, but he said he had those things and would prefer cash since he had discounted the price of the subscription as low as he could. He’d written up a little bit of original poetry—three sweet and sad verses that he called “Yes, crush, cold world, this breaking heart”—and he left that all set up and ready to print in the newspaper, free of charge. All in all, he’d taken in nine dollars and fifty cents, and had called it a pretty good day’s work.
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Then he showed us another little job he’d printed and hadn’t charged for, because it was for us. It had a picture of a runaway nigger with a bundle on a stick over his shoulder, and “$200 reward” under it. The reading was all about Jim, and just described him to a dot. It said he run away from St. Jacques’ plantation, forty mile below New Orleans, last winter, and likely went north, and whoever would catch him and send him back he could have the reward and expenses.
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Then he showed us another little thing he’d printed, free of charge, because it was for us. It had a picture of a runaway n----- with a bundle on a stick slung over his shoulder. It said “$200 reward” under it. The words on the paper were all about Jim, and they described him perfectly. It said he’d run away last winter from St. Jacques’s plantation—which was about forty miles below New Orleans—and had probably gone north. Whoever caught him could send him back to claim the reward and be reimbursed for expenses.
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“Now,” says the duke, “after to-night we can run in the daytime if we want to. Whenever we see anybody coming we can tie Jim hand and foot with a rope, and lay him in the wigwam and show this handbill and say we captured him up the river, and were too poor to travel on a steamboat, so we got this little raft on credit from our friends and are going down to get the reward. Handcuffs and chains would look still better on Jim, but it wouldn’t go well with the story of us being so poor. Too much like jewelry. Ropes are the correct thing—we must preserve the unities, as we say on the boards.”
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“Now,” said the duke. “After tonight we can travel during the day if we want. Whenever we see anyone coming, we can just tie Jim up with a rope, lay him down in the wigwam, and show this handbill indicating that we captured him up the river. We can say that we were too poor to travel by steamboat. We bought this little raft on credit from our friends and are going to claim the reward. It’d look better if we could put handcuffs and chains on Jim, but it wouldn’t fit in with our story about being poor. It’d be like if we claimed to be poor, but had jewelry. Ropes are the best thing—we can preserve continuities, as we say in the theater.”
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We all said the duke was pretty smart, and there couldn’t be no trouble about running daytimes. We judged we could make miles enough that night to get out of the reach of the powwow we reckoned the duke’s work in the printing office was going to make in that little town; then we could boom right along if we wanted to.
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We all agreed that the duke was pretty smart, and that now we’d have no trouble traveling in the daytime. We figured we should travel quite a ways that night to put enough distance between us and the trouble that the duke’s printing scam would likely cause once people figured out they’d been cheated. Then we wouldn’t have to worry.
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