We open on: batcave

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Written By: Brandon Noel Keith


We watch Batman suit up. His cape flaps down against his back. He buckles his bat belt. We see a shot of his saggy ass.

Now Batman grabs a batarang. A grappeling gun. A spoon. He is now seen walking up a set of dark steps, as the batmobile lifts up from a bat-lifter. He stands before his vehicle, a dramatic moment... the dark knight is back!

ALFRED: Can I presuade you to take a cheeseburger with you sir?

BATMAN: (brief pause) I'll get drive thru.

Another brief pause. Batman heads for the car, hitting his crotch on the rear view mirror.

BATMAN: (holding his crotch in pain) Aaah!

Now, in a heap of anger, he attempts to rip the mirror off. Seconds pass, and he does.


We watch the batmobile speed along down this leafy lane.


Batman looks pissed.


The batmobile continues on, nearly hitting a janitor leaf-blowing the lane.

JANITOR: (leaping out of the way) Hey! Watch it!


We pan up this tall building, away from a massive crowd.


We watch as a coin is flipped in the air. It flips in the air, then lands in a palm.

TWO-FACE: You're counting on the Wayne devenger to deliver you from evil, aren't you my friend?

GEEK GUARD: (tied up, laying on the ground) Are you gonna' kill me?

TWO-FACE: Maybe, maybe not. You could say there's a word of two minds on the subject. Haw! You a gambelin' man? Well, let's say we flip for it.

Two-Face begins to walk towards this helpless guard.

TWO-FACE: (cont.) One man is born a hero, the other a coward. And beyond the imagination of starved babies, rapists grow weary, now just why must they? (bringing his fist down on the guard's chest several times) Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?!

The geek guard sort of eyes away, whining.

TWO-FACE: (revealing other side of face) Luck! Blind, stupid, sick, mofo, doogle, dah... juiceless LUCK! Aaaw, the random toss. (flips coin) The only true justice. Let's see, what justice has in store, for you! Hehehehe!

Suddenly Batman crashes through the window. Two-Face gets angered, dragging the geek guard away via chain around neck.

TWO-FACE: (cont.) Blast him!

As Two-Face hauls ass, several of his goons break through the surrounding doors. Each armed with their own bitch-slapping gloves.

Batman flips through the air as they all charge at him. Now Batman turns around, and kicks one in the side. This thug stumbles forth knocking another two out the window. We hear the three's screams fade.

Now the remaining three blow on their glove's thumb, and the hands get bigger. Batman pulls out his batarang and throws it at them. The batarang spins around and pops all the hands. Suddenly the thug's themselves begin to deflate.

Batman runs out of the room to chase down Two-Face.


Batman runs across a bank vault, to see the geek guard tied up. Batman runs in to untape his mouth. Suddenly the bank vault door shuts.

BATMAN: Shit! I knew it!


We watch the bank vault being yanked out of the bank itself. This floss line is attached to a helicopter.

TWO-FACE: (through microphone) Dear citizens of Gotham! When we open that safe! We'll have everything we ever wanted. And that means, you my boy, dead! HAHAHAHA!


Suddenly assid shoots out through the holes.

GEEK GUARD: Oh nooo! It's boiling acid!


TWO-FACE: (through microphone) For your dying pleasure, we are serving the very same acid that made us, what we are today! Hehehehehe!


Batman takes the geek guards hearing device.

BATMAN: May have to borrow this.

GEEK GUARD: Hey! That's my hearing aid!

BATMAN: Thanks.

Batman kicks the guard into the acid pool just below. Now Batman opens the safe. Two-Face looks down, even more angered. Now Batman pulls out his grappeling gun and shoots it around the tail propeller of the helicopter.

Batman is being yanked up, fore the line is being twisted around. He grunts. With this, Two-Face pulls out his double-barreled pistol and fires at the floss line. The vault falls to the ground below.

On the street, four people are crushed to death.

CITIZEN #1: Hak!
CITIZEN #2: Hak!
CITIZEN #3: Huron!
CITIZEN #4: Hak!

Chase Meridian, one of Batman's stalkers, watches from below as the helicopter soars through the air, with Batman hanging on tight.


Two-Face speaks with his helicopter pilot, as they head for a tall statue of Michael Jackson.

TWO-FACE: Hehe! This'll fix'em!

As Two-Face walks back to the back to see if Batman is still there. A long black cape spreads across the front.

PILOT: Hey, Face!

Two-Face turns to this.


Two-Face pulls out his double-barreled pistol and fires several times, killing the guard. Now he runs over, and throws him aside, steering the helicopter directly towards the statue.

Suddenly Batman comes in through the side, breaking the glass.

BATMAN: You need help Harvey. (trying to get in) Give it up!

Two-Face kicks Batman out of the window, and now he is hanging on for dear life. Two-Face pulls out a balloon and wraps it around the steering wheel. Now he runs over to the back for the last time just as Batman climbs in through the window.

TWO-FACE: Have the good taste, tah die! Haha! See yah!

Two-Face jumps out and pulls a string. He is parachuting his way onto the Gotham State Building, as Batman is left to jump right back out the window.

We watch the front end of the helicopter smash into Jackson's face. Batman dives to the water surface below. Now hitting the sandy beach just inches away from it.


Bruce Wayne is reading a magazine called "Shun it or I bitch!" Suddenly the bat signal shows up. He drops the magazine, and runs off.


Batman glides down onto the roof.

BATMAN: Comassoner Gordon?

MERIDIAN: He's at home.

BATMAN: (puts hands at waist) What's wrong?

MERIDIAN: Last night I noticed something about Two-Face. His coin... it can be exploited.

BATMAN: I know. (walks over to her) You called me here for this?!

MERIDIAN: Well my interest is more than business. (rubbing her chest) You want me!

BATMAN: (pausing- speechless) Are you trying to get under my cape doctor?

MERIDIAN: OOooh, uh hu. (stripping down to her underwear) MMMmmm!

BATMAN: I haven't had much luck with women.

MERIDIAN: Maybe you just haven't met the right one.

Batman starts a grunt face. He's bursting with something all right.

BATMAN: (constipated) I GOTTA GO!

Batman runs off, leaping over the edge.


Everyone is enjoying a circus act. Bruce Wayne snickers, sitting by Meridian.

BRUCE: Hey, yah wanna' go out for a bite to eat after this?

MERIDIAN: Get lost you fucking pervert.

Everyone laughs at the funny clown, and the trapeze artists soaring about. Suddenly the ringmaster is mugged. No one knows, nor would they care. A short pause.

TWO-FACE: LAAAADDDIIIESS and GENTLEMEN! Tonight we invite you to a little act I like to call... MASSACRE, under the BIG top! In that harmless looking orb, there are two, that's TWO, hundred pounds of T N T. So if any of you know who Batman is... tell me. Or...

MAYOR: (standing up, outraged) Or you'll what?!

Two-Face shoots the mayor right in the forehead. Everyone screams, running away. The trapeze artists above...

FATHER: We can stop him!


Suddenly three of the four jump off the stand... to their deaths.

DICK: (the one above) NOOOOOOOooo!

Two-Face runs off, chuckeling.


Gordon stands before Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson looks over the mansion.

GORDON: Good of you to take him in. He hasn't slept, he hasn't eaten, he hasn't even ripped his tits off for their nightly waxing.

Bruce nods. Gordon leaves.


Alfred looks around. He's in wonder to where the little tyke has gone off to.

ALFRED: (waving d*ldo) Master Dick?!

DICK: (yelling from above, hanging over rail) Up here Al!

Alfred tosses the rubber d*ldo at him. It sticks in his forehead.

DICK: Agh!

Alfred walks away.


We pan down on an astranged room. Two-Face looks depressed.

TWO-FACE: The bat's... stubborn refusal to expire... is driving us INSANE!

SUGAR: (rubbing up against him) Don't worry baby.

SPICE: (rubbing up against him) You'll kill him soon.

TWO-FACE: Ladies you spoil us. We are, two minds of what to take first.

Two-Face looks at their chests.

Suddenly a man in a green suit walks in to frame. He slams a staff down on the ground. Two-Face spins around, and the two women run off.

TWO-FACE: (cont.) Who the fun are you?!

RIDDLER: Just a friend... but you can call me... the Riddler!

The Riddler grins, as Two-Face runs up to him, slamming him up against a squirming rabbit... hung by a chain.

TWO-FACE: (pulling out double-barreled pistol) Let's see if you bleed green!

Two-Face sits the gun upon the Riddler's cheek.

RIDDLER: (looking at left side) I can help you get Batman.

Two-Face lets the Riddler go.

TWO-FACE: Are you a drinker?

Two-Face pulls out a twelve pack of Vanilla Coke.


Bruce is walking down a hallway. He stops at the sound of Meridian being beaten. She grunts with each blow. Bruce runs up to the door, listening in.


He now busts it down to see she is just hitting a punching bag.

BRUCE: Oh, sorry. Guess I'm late.

Bruce props the door up, then walks up to Meridian who takes off her gloves.

MERIDIAN: What do you want Bruce Wayne?

BRUCE: Someone just sent me a riddle, and I was wondering if you could help me solve it.

The two walk over to a table, and Bruce sets a slip of paper down. Meridian looks at it.

MERIDIAN: (reading it) Who's the more foolish? The fool or the fool who fooled a foolish foo foo? (thinking) Hmmm.

Bruce glances over at a paper stapeled to the wall. It looks like a paint glob, shaped like a bat.

BRUCE: You have a thing for bats?

MERIDIAN: That's bullshit Mr. Wayne. People see what they want to see. So I think the question would be, do you have a thing for bats?

BRUCE: (turning around- angered) You calling me Batman?!

Meridian stares in confusion.

MERIDIAN: Good day to you.

Bruce walks out of the room, leaving. We pan back to Meridian, who is watching Two-Face crawl out from under the coffee table. He begins to punch her across the face.


Bruce stops at this looking back. He nods his head, grinning, then continues walking away.

Bruce Wayne is sitting at his computer, looking at a site entitled "Gotorion". He is just getting off, he gets up to see Dick staring at him.

BRUCE: What the hell?!

DICK: Hey Bruce, what's up?

BRUCE: :-/


A knock at the door. Alfred walks up to it, flipping a latch open. He sees three trick or treaters.

ALL THREE: Trick or treat!

One boy dressed up as Superman. One girl dressed up as Wonder Woman. And another boy dressed up as a pile of crap. Alfred smiles, shutting the latch, then opening the door. He hands them some candy.

ALFRED: Don't eat it all tonight... or you'll be sick.

ALL THREE: We won't.

Alfred shuts the door.


Dick looks around, slowly figuring something out.

DICK: Two-Face killed my family, I want revenge.

BRUCE: No he didn't, and no you don't.


The trick or treaters toddle away, as we pan to the side. The Riddler and Two-Face stand, with evil grins.


Dick follows Bruce up a staircase.

DICK: Train me, let me be your partner!

BRUCE: I can't. Listen to me, you dick, I'm your friend.

Dick just shakes his head, as Bruce turns to him.

DICK: You can't understand. Your balls weren't taken by a platypus!

A short pause.

BRUCE: (dramatic) Yes they were.


Alfred is about to walk away, when another knock at the door occurs. He opens the latch to see two over grown trick or treaters.

TWO TREATERS: Twick or tweeeaaat!

Alfred smiles, closing the latch, and opening the door again. The Riddler smacks him on the head with his staff, then slides in with a grin.


Several of Two-Face's goons drag Alfred into the nearest closet, then get ready to raid Wayne Manor. Two-Face stands, pulling out his coin.

RIDDLER: (to Two-Face) Remember the plan, sieze and capture.

TWO-FACE: (to goons) No killing.

RIDDLER: (to Two-Face, deep) That goes DOUBLE for you.

The two fiends run off, to see what there is to see.


We watch Dick running away in the background like a little girl, as Bruce enters to get punched across the face by Two-Face.

TWO-FACE: Haha! Remember us!


The Riddler prances around.

RIDDLER: If I was a super hero, where would I hide?!

The Riddler waves his staff across his face, a secret entrance to the batcave opens up.

RIDDLER: Ssspank me!

Suddenly, Alfred gives a run by spanking. The Riddler turns around, waving his cane.

RIDDLER: Shoo! Shoo!


Bruce backs away, as Two-Face flips his coin. He opens his palm to reveal it's the good side.

TWO-FACE: Son of a bitch!

Bruce kicks Two-Face in the gut, sending him falling against the coffee table. Bruce wipes a bit of blood away from his lip.


The Riddler looks around. He sees the batmobile, the batcomputer, and the batbathroom.

RIDDLER: Now THAT'S impressive!

The Riddler waves his staff and slams it into the ground. He unstraps the bag around his shoulder, and pulls out a bunch of green bat bombs.

We watch as the Riddler struts about, walking like an Egyptian into the cowl room.

RIDDLER: They may have trouble adapting to their new enviornment!

The Riddler tosses a batbomb in the cowl room and jumps away as it explodes. He throws another at the batcomputer and another across the other way at the batmobile area. He humps the air, and they both explode.

RIDDLER: (deep) Yaaah!

The Riddler lifts his leg, and straightens his crotch. Moving onto the next area.


Bruce is pushing away one of Two-Face's thugs, as another wraps his arms around his chest. Bruce breaks free, turning around and punching the thug into the fishing tank. Another one comes up from behind but is poked in the eyes.

Two-Face flips his coin again, but once again, it's the good side. He whines.


The Riddler sets the entire bag of batbombs in the batcage of three bats.

RIDDLER: Somebody tell the president! He was on in five!

The Riddler runs off, grabs his staff and clicks a button on the question mark tip. The cage explodes, and the Riddler runs off laughing.


Two-Face flips the coin once more, and this time it's the bad side. He chuckles, pulling out a double tipped knife. He tosses it at Bruce. It knicks his ass.

BRUCE: Aaaagh! Time out!

Two-Face pulls out his double-barrelled pistol, running up to Mr. Wayne. He presses it against his forehead, but the Riddler comes out.

RIDDLER: NOOO! (Two-Face looks up) Dooon't kill him! (setting box down) If you kill him... he won't learn nothing.

The Riddler laughs, and Two-Face grows a dull look. A short pause, as the Riddler seems baffeled. Two-Face then pulls the trigger, but realizes he forgot to put the ammunition cartridge in.


Two-Face puts the gun away, and the two run off with the goons. Leaving Bruce lying in pain on the ground, holding his ass.


Meridian lies on a couch, chained up. The Riddler runs up to her with a jacket of lights.

RIDDLER: Like the jacket? It keeps me safe, when I'm, dancing at night.

MERIDIAN: Batman will come for me.

RIDDLER: I'm counting on it Meridian. Har har har! HAK!

Meridian spits in the Riddler's face, he wipes it away.


Bruce walks up to a hidden room. He unveils a super-duper, fantitassic bat suit. We watch him put it on.

Now Batman heads down a small flight of steps.

BATMAN: What do you suggest Alfred... by sea? (lighting up the batboat) Or by air?

The dark knight lights up the batplane. Suddenly a voice comes out from the side.

ROBIN: Why not both.

Batman turns, as Robin heads down another flight of steps. He stands up face to face with him.

ROBIN: Riddler and Two-Face can make a pretty lethal combination. I figured you could use a hand.

Batman glaces down just above Robin's tit.

BATMAN: (aroused) R... what's that stand for?

ROBIN: (pausing) Robin. Now... I can't promise I won't kill Two-Face.

BATMAN: A man's tits must be waxed. A friend taught me that.

ROBIN: Not just a friend...

BATMAN: (grinning) A partner.

They shake hands, Alfred keels over dead. The two stare at this for a moment.


We watch the batplane and batboat soar out of Wayne Manor.


Gordon pans down the batsignal, depressed.

GORDON: He's not coming, shut it down.

COP: It's only been on five seconds.

GORDON: Damn't man! I said shut it down!

The cop walks towards the signal shutdown center and then, Gordon pans up.

GORDON: Wait a minute... waaaaiit a minute!

The cop stops, pissed off, turning back to Gordon who cheers as the batplane flies through the signal above.

GORDON: (yelling up) GO! GO! HAHA!


Batman looks down and gives him a thumbs up, slighty grinning. Suddenly a form of clouds appears and Batman finds himself struggeling to keep the plane steady.

The batplane and batboat continue on. Suddenly a giant question mark sign pops out of the water.

ROBIN: Fuckin' A!

The batboat crashes into the sign, and in that, flips over top first onto the surface. We watch that batplane curve around a giant blender, sucking Gotham's brainwaves.


We watch Two-Face push a button.


A laser shoots out, blowing the plane's right wing off. It soars down onto the surface of the water, by the demolished boat. We watch both Batman and Robin spring up, gasping for air. The dynamic duo now begin to swim for the lair.

BATMAN: (looking around him) Oh no! The Riddler has concocted some kind of warm liquid to entrap us!

ROBIN: No, no... that was me. Sorry.

A brief pause.


The two climb up on the rocks.

ROBIN: Holy bullshit Batman! The whole island is moving!

The two run up to a door, Batman opens it and the two walk in.


Batman heads for a giant platform, as Two-Face comes out of the darkness and snatches Robin. Now Batman walks up, to see The Riddler turn around in his spinny chair.

RIDDLER: Riddle me this... riddle me that. Who's afraid of the big, black bat?

BATMAN: (stepping up) You callin' me a nigger?!

The Riddler sits up, pulling out his staff. Sugar and Spice walk out. Sugar unveils a cage, holding Meridian. Batman looks shocked. Spice unveils another cage on the other side, unveiling Robin. Batman looks around, to see he has indeed lost his partner... to a mad man.

BATMAN: Let them go Riddler! This is between you and me!

TWO-FACE: (walking out of darkness) And me. (showing off scarred side) Aaannd... ME!

Batman grinds his teeth. Things aren't looking good for him.

RIDDLER: Answer me this, and I'll let them go. If you fail, I drop them and then you must decide who to save.

Two-Face chuckles, pulling out his coin. Batman just quivers, with a cross eyed look.

RIDDLER: What is everything to someone... and nothing to everyone else? Your MIND baby!

BATMAN: That's not fair! You answered it for me!

The Riddler pushes a button, dropping both Meridian and Robin.

BATMAN: (pulling out Batarang) Screw this!

Batman tosses the Batarang at the giant brain above all four fiends. Everyone screams, ducking for cover... as Batman jumps down a tunnel... soaring towards his partner and lover.

We watch Sugar, Spice and Two-Face run into seperate doors... escaping. The Riddler's brain is being fried.


Batman shoots out two grappeling hooks, wrapping around both Meridian and Robin. The three land safely on a catwalk... just eighty feet above certain doom. A water pit.

Suddenly we hear Two-Face's laugh.

TWO-FACE: (weilding double-barreled shotgun) Haaaahahahaa! No more riddles! No more curtains, one and TWO! Just plain curtains! HAHAHAAHAAA!!

BATMAN: Aren't you forgetting something Two-Face... your coin.

Two-Face pulls out his coin, looking at it. As Batman pulls something off his batbuckle.

TWO-FACE: Yes, of course, you're right Bruce. Emotion is always the true enemy of justice. Thank you, you've always been a good friend.

Two-Face flips his coin, about to catch it when Batman tosses a six pack of Vanilla Coke out. The six cans rip apart, confusing Two-Face.

TWO-FACE: (cont.) Whoa! Whoa! Hey! (falling off upper catwalk) YAAAAAARRRRGGG!!

He smacks against the surface below. We watch the coin land in his palm... it's the bad side.


Meridian stands next to Batman.

MERIDIAN: Dick and Alfred, are definately whackos.

BRUCE: Whacko? Is that a technical term?

Meridian smiles, kissing Bruce.

MERIDIAN: Don't work too late.

She walks inside. Heading to play twister with Gordon and Alfred. The door closes, and we pan back to Bruce who is smiling.


Batman and Robin run along down past the bat signal. A dramatic moment. Suddenly The Riddler and Two-Face come out and blow them up with rocket launchers. Bits and peices of the duo spread everywhere.

The End
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