Avri robert shacham joke categories

“Ours is a wonderful country, Ivan. It is so democratic, that once I spit on the President’s car and nothing happened to me.”

“That’s nothing! I once took a shit in Red Square.”

After a few more beers Joe spoke up again:

“I must confess, that when I spit on the President’s car, it was empty.”

“Then I must confess also, that when I took a shit in Red Square I didn’t take off my pants.”

“How was your tour?” - asked one.

“Absolutely ghastly,” - replied the other. “Last night, we went to the ‘Bolshoi Ballet’, but my seat was at the end of the last row and I hardly saw anything. I heard about the terrific fur bargains at the ‘Gum’ Department Store, but when I got there this morning they told me they had so many tourists this week, that they are completely out of furs. Then we went to the Lenin mausoleum, but after forty-five minutes of waiting in line in freezing weather, I just gave up and returned to the hotel. And how did you enjoy your tour?”

“Oh, it was absolutely fabulous!” - said the first tourist. “You would not believe what a little grease gets you around these parts. For a few bills one of the bellboys got me a ticket to the first row of the ‘Bolshoi’. I also went to the ‘Gum’, gave one of the salesmen five bucks and I had my pick of any of dozen magnificent furs, for half the price it would have cost me back home. When I got to the mausoleum and saw the long lines, I gave three bucks to each of the fours guards at the entrance and they brought Lenin out to me.”

“You have a big apartment and a good job. Why do you want to emigrate to Israel?”

“I wouldn’t mind staying, but my wife wants to go.”

“You’re a man. Can’t you change your wife’s mind?”

“I could, but her parents want to leave too.”

“Let them go and you can stay.”

“Regretfully, I’m unable. I’m the only Jew in the family.”
YOU CANNOT BEAT THE SYSTEM
In communist Poland a Page One news item in the Party organ advised, that a long-awaited shipment of flour had arrived and there would be fresh bread the next day. In the early morning hours a long line has formed in front of the bakery.

The baker was also waiting inside his shop. At about 7 o’clock when he saw that the delivery-truck had not arrived yet, he opened the door and called out:

“It seems there will not be enough bread for everyone. All the Jews should go home!”

A few left. At 8 o’clock, the baker came out again and shouted:

“There’re still too many left. All who are not Party members may go home!”

Now the crowd diminished considerably. At 10 o’clock, the baker emerged once more:

“There will be bread only for families with small children. The rest need not wait any longer.”

Now only a few dozen women were left in the queue. At 11:30, the baker appeared again and announced:

“I am sorry, but there will not be any bread today. Apparently, the flour was stale.”

Slowly the women dispersed. One of them remarked:

“Look at the bloody Jews, they got home and are warming their fat butts since hours ago.”
POLITICS
A little boy went to his dad and asked him, what is Politics. Dad said:

“Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her Government. We're both here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny...we'll consider her the Working Class and your baby brother, I’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that, see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy went off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he heard his baby brother crying, so he got up to check on him. He found that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeked in the keyhole and saw his father in bed with the nanny. He gave up and went back to bed. The next morning, the little boy said to his father:

“Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father said:

“Good, son. Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

“Well,” – replied the little boy – “while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”
DON’T CONFUSE ME WITH FACTS
At the Faculty of Architecture at the Moscow University, the professor was telling his class about the new worker-flats in the Housing Project on the outskirts of Leningrad. One of the students raised his finger. The professor consulted the place-chart on his table and then said impatiently:

“Yes, Comrade Dimitri Ivanovits, what is it?”

“I have just returned from a visit with my family in Leningrad and I saw not a single new house being built anywhere.”

“You see Comrades what happens, when someone keeps loitering on the streets, instead of studying in his room.”

“Give me the good news first,” - said the President. “Did you get the bastard?”

“Piece of cake! An analysis of the urine showed it was that of the Vice President.”

“If these are the good news, then for Heaven’s sake, what are the bad ones?” - demanded the President in exasperation

“The handwriting is that of your wife’s, Mr. President”.
NOT CRAZY
At the Soviet Emigration Office:

“What are your reasons for requesting an Emigration Permit?”

“My uncle in Canada has become totally deaf and cannot manage on his own.”

“Hmm. And why doesn’t your uncle come here to live with you?”

“He is just deaf, not crazy.”
NOT DISCRIMINATING
On one of his visits to the States, former Israeli Prime Minister Shamir, known for his love of seafood, entered a restaurant.

“Do you serve shrimps?” - he asked.

“We serve anybody, Sir,” - answered the waiter.
HE HAD IT COMING
Brezhnev, former Soviet Union head of state and Party chief loved fast American cars and at every opportunity, took the wheel from his driver and drove recklessly on the pot-holed Russian roads. Driving through a kolkhoz one day, his car hit a dog. Afraid of the owner’s reaction, Brezhnev sent his driver into the nearby peasants’ hut, to apologize about the accident and offer compensation.

After several minutes, the driver came out, with a satisfied smile on his face.

“What happened?” - Brezhnev queried. “Did you tell them?”

“I told them that I am Brezhnev’s driver and we accidentally killed the dog. For some reason they all looked very happy, laughed, slapped me on the back and offered me some vodka to drink.”

“Monica Lewinsky” – the son said..

The mother then said:

“And what happened to that nice black girl you were dating?”

“Who was that guy?” – demanded the Chief of State.

“Oh, just someone I used to date before I met you,” – replied his wife nonchalantly.

“Then you are lucky you met me. You could be married now to a gas-station attendant.”

“Or maybe, he would be the President of the US.”
THERE IS A GOD AFTER ALL
Presidents Bush, Gorbachev and Israeli Premier Shamir were summoned to Heavens for a midnight briefing. When they appeared before the Almighty, he informed them of the imminent end of the world. That night Bush appeared on a coast-to-coast broadcast and announced to the American people that he has both good news and bad news:

“The good news is, that there is a God in Heavens. The bad news is, that the world is coming to an end.”

Gorbachev too, appeared in a broadcast transmitted all over the USSR and told the Soviet people that he has learned of some bad and some good news.

“The bad news is, that there is a God after all. The good news is, that I learned of the imminent demise of the capitalist world.”

Shamir appeared on Israeli TV beaming gleefully and proclaimed to his people, that he has two pieces of good news:

“The first is that God exists and watches over his people; the second item is, that we can rest assured, there will be no Palestinian State ever.”

“Which of you comrades sneezed?”

All conversation ceased and everyone held their breath, waiting for the culprit to identify himself. When nobody answered, the KGB man repeated his query:

“I am asking again, who sneezed?’

A pale, thin fellow at the back of the crowd raised his hand hesitatingly:

“I did. I have a bad cold.”

“Gesundheit, tovarisch!” - said the KGB man and returned to his paper.
RETIREMENT PLANS
At the dinner table the Ambassador’s wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.

“Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?”

“A penis,” - replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:

“Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, ‘appiness!”
THANKS WHOM?
In communist Poland there was a long queue before the bakery. It was bitterly cold and people were complaining, when the delivery-truck finally arrived.

“Thank God!” - sighed a woman.

“In our country, “ - said a Russian standing behind her, - “they would say: Thank Stalin!”

Queried the Pole:

“And when one sad day ‘The Father of the Nation’ - one shudders even at the thought, but after all he is human too - passes away, what will they say in Russia?”

“Thank God!”

Clinton said:

“I'd like to salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are full.”

The Marine replied:

“Yes Sir! Mighty fine pigs, Sir!”

President Clinton responded:

“These aren't just ordinary pigs, Marine, they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!”

The Marine replied:

“Yes Sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!”

The President then responded:

“I got this one for Hillary and this one for Chelsea.”

The Marine guard then replied:

“Yes Sir! GOOD trade, Sir!”
QUALITY COUNTS
At the Soviet War College, the guest lecturer, a general, told the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class began by asking the first question:

“Will we have to fight in a World War Three?”

“Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will,” - answered the general.

“And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?” - another officer asked.

“In all likelihood it will be China.”

The class looked alarmed and finally one officer asked:

“But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?”

“Well,” - replied the general, - “think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs and the Jews have been the winners every time.”

“But sir,” - asked the panicky officers, - “do we have enough Jews?”
ROYAL MANNERS
At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they then boarded an open 17th century coach pulled by six magnificent white matching horses.

They rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. So far everything was going well. Suddenly the right rear horse let fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, so powerful that it shook the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two Dignitaries of State did their best to ignore the incident. But, embarrassed, the Queen decided it’s impossible to ignore it.

"Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things not even a Queen can control."

Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replied:

"Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses.”
MOSES
George W. Bush Jr. was in an airport lobby and noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George Bush approached the man and inquired:

"Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George and stared at the ceiling. George Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again:

"Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?”

The man finally responded in an irritated voice:

"Yes I am".

George asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied:

"The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert".

"I cain't understand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't gert it."

"Well," - said the big 'gator, - what you been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," - replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" - said the big alligator, - "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase.
DINNER AT THE WHITE HOUSE
Israeli leader Ehoud Olmert came to Washington for meetings with George W. For the State Dinner Laura Bush decides to bring in a special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal prepared in honor of their guest. At the dinner that night, the first course was served and it is Matzoh Ball Soup.   George W. looked at the soup and after learning what it is called, told an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.

The aide said that Mr. Olmert will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all he ate a sheep's eye in honor of  his Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowered his spoon into the bowl and retrieved a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitated, swallowed, and a grin appeared on his face. He found he really liked it, digged right in and finished the whole bowl.

“That was delicious," - he said to Olmert. "Do Jewish people eat any other part of the matzoh, or just the balls?" 
THE PREACHER’S SON
An old country preacher had a teenage son and it was getting time for the boy to give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

A bible

A bottle of whisky

A Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door", - the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired t his month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy." - the old preacher disgustedly whispered, - "he's gonna run for Congress."
CAMPAIGNING
While walking down the street one day a US senator was tragically hit by a truck and died. His soul arrived in heaven and was met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” - said St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,”- said the man.

“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” – said the senator.

“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors opened and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance was a clubhouse and standing in front of it were all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone was very happy and in evening dress. They ran to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present was the devil, who really was a very friendly guy who had a good time dancing and telling jokes. They were having such a good time that before he realized it, it was time to go. Everyone gave him a hearty farewell and waved while the elevator rose. The elevator went up, up, up and the door reopened on heaven where St. Peter was waiting for him.

“Now it's time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours passed with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They had a good time and, before he realized it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returned.

“Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflected for a minute, then answered:

“Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors of the elevator opened and he was in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He saw all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash fell from above. The devil came over to him and put his arm around his shoulder.

“I don't understand,” - stammered the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looked at him, smiled and said:

“Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”
Brief ones:
* Question:

“Why did the dentists in the USSR extract their patient’s teeth through their noses?”

Answer:

“People were afraid to open their mouths.”

"No".

"Do you know what I think?"

His mum replied:

"Never mind  what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny came home for lunch and asked his mum:

"Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

"No".

"Do you know what I think?"

"Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

"Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mum said:

"No."

"Do you know what I think?"

His mum replied:

"OK! What do you think?"

He said:

"Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone and I know him."

"OK, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So Goldberg and his boss flew out to Hollywood, knocked on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough Tom Cruise shouted:

"Goldberg! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Goldberg's boss was still skeptical. After they left Cruise's house, he told Goldberg that he thought Goldberg's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," – Goldberg said.

"President Bush," – his boss quickly retorted.

"Yes," – Goldberg said, – "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they went. At the White House, Bush spotted Goldberg on the tour and motioned him and his boss over, saying:

"Goldberg, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in.
Let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss was very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they left the White House grounds, he expressed his doubts to Goldberg, who again implored him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," – his boss replied.

"Sure!" – said Goldberg. "I've known the Pope for a long time."

So off they flew to Rome. Goldberg and his boss were assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Goldberg said:

"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

"What happened?"

His boss looked up and said:

"I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked: ‘”Who's that on the balcony with Goldberg?’"

“It may be a lie, but at least it is an original one,” – thought the platoon sergeant and with a warning to the soldier, let it go at that. About 10 minutes later, a second latecomer staggered in. He had a similar story to tell. He also had trouble finding a taxi, hired a horse-drawn cart and his horse too had fallen by the wayside. A strange coincidence, thought the platoon sergeant, but again let the soldier go with a reprimand. It was only when the third soldier also had the same excuse that he got mad and decided to punish the last soldier if he did not have a better excuse. It was close to 1 a.m. when that one put in an appearance and before he even managed to utter a word, the platoon sergeant asked him with heavy sarcasm:

“You also came by horse and wagon?”

“Who gave you such a preposterous idea?” - protested the surprised soldier. “I came by taxi of course.”

“So why are you so late?”

“You would not believe what happened! I never saw such a thing in my life, the whole road was strewn with dead horses and the taxi just could not get through.”

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded:

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We're taking Continental,” - was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” - exclaimed the barber. “That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We'll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That's rich,” - laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” - explained the man, - “not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” - muttered the barber, - “I know you didn't get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet personally some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Really?” - asked the barber. “What'd he say?”

“Not much really. He just said: ‘Where'd you get that lousy haircut?!’”

SALESMEN
YOU EITHER HAVE IT, OR YOU DON’T
All traveling salesmen used to meet in the same compartment on the train and there - over a few beers, play cards, swaps stories and pass the long hours of the journey. One day a young, new salesman came on the train and asked permission to join his peers. He did not as yet dare join the conversation and was just listening to his elder and more experienced colleagues, in the hope of learning something. Suddenly he heard one of them say:

“You remember that fabulous one, ‘9’?” - and saw to his astonishment, that most of the salesmen burst out laughing. After a while, another said:

“And what about ‘27’?” - this time everybody started guffawing, slapping their knees, holding their sides and wiping their tears. One guy in the corner tried to trump the previous teller and said:

“That is nothing! Listen to this: ‘13’,” - but this time, hardly anyone smiled.

His curiosity aroused, the young salesman whispered to the man next to him:

“Can you tell me please what do all those numbers mean and why is everybody laughing?”

His neighbor smiled understandingly and replied:

“We have been traveling so many years together that by now we know each others’ jokes by heart. So, instead of retelling them over and over, we numbered them. Now it is enough for someone to mention a number, to get us all laughing.”

“Gentlemen, do you remember ‘32’?”

To his great disappointment, the faces of the assembled men remained serious. Nobody even smiled.

“Well,” - thought the young man to himself. “It is not such a hot item anyway. To warm up the atmosphere, I should have started off with the best one of the lot.”

“And what about ‘19’?” - he continued.

An embarrassing silence ensued. After a while somebody remarked:

“My son, it is not enough to recognize a joke. You must know how to tell it!”
EXCELLENT SALESMANSHIP
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the country - you could get anything there. The boss asked him:

“Have you ever been a salesman before?”

“Yes, I was a salesman in my hometown,” - said the lad.

The boss liked him and said:

“You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up.”

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly showed up and asked:

“How many sales did you make today?”

“One,” - said the young salesman.

“Only one?” - blurted the boss, - “most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”

“Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars,” - said the young man.

“How did you manage that?” - asked the flabbergasted boss.

“Well,” - said the salesman - “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his car probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Land Cruiser.”

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment:

“You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”

“No,” - answered the salesman. “Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, ‘Sounds like the weekend is a loss, so you may as well go fishing.’”
MAN’S BEST FRIEND
Said the salesman to his boss:

“I’m happy to report that I managed to sell that expensive suit we had in stock for ages..”

“You don’t say! That blue-pink double-breasted hideous outfit?

“Yeah, that’s the one.”

“Well done. I was afraid that we’d be stuck forever with that monstrosity. But what happened to your hand?”

“The customer seemed quite happy, but his seeing-eye dog almost killed me.”

“He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,” – John explained.

“Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough!” – Bob shouted angrily.

“Sure it will,” – John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”

“Meow,” - a plaintive mewing was heard from the sack.

“Hmmm, my wife probably bought a cat.”

He kicked the second sack.

“Woof-woof,” - a gruff barking was heard from the sack.

“Oh, I see that she also bought a dog.”

The policeman kicked the third sack. Nothing. He kicked it again. Still nothing. As he kicked it for the third time, the man in the sack shouted desperately:

“Potatoes, you moron, potatoes!”

“Damn, peanut butter again!”

Chucking the offensive food into the nearby wastebasket, he opened his second sandwich, found that it contained tuna and started munching away contentedly. His mate watched with amazement. When his lunch companion threw away his second peanut-butter sandwich, he could no longer restrain himself and burst out:

“Tell me, how long have you been married?”

“20 years,” - answered his finicky colleague.

“And after so many years,” - continued his lunch companion - “your wife still doesn’t know that you hate peanut butter?”

“Leave my wife out of it! I prepared those sandwiches myself.”
CUCKOO’S NEST
“You know, my son is a complete nitwit.”

“How can you say such a thing? He’s a nice kid.”

“O.K., pay attention! Jimmy, go down to the bus station and see if I’m there.”

Ten minutes later the child came back, panting after his run:

“You are not there Dad.”

“You see what a dimwit he is.”

“Indeed…He could’ve seen from the window that you are not there.”

CROSSED WIRES
Two policemen walked their beat in the East-European capital. One of them suggested:

“Don’t you think it would be wise if we learned a foreign language?”

Hardly had he finished speaking, when a big American car stopped near them. A man leaned out of the window and asked:

“Do you speak English?”

Both policemen shook their heads in negation.

The man tried again:

“Sprechen Sie Deutsch?”

“Parlate Italiano?’

“Parlez vous Francais?”

“¿Habla Espanol?”

To each of the questions, the policemen just looked at him uncomprehendingly. At last the foreigner muttered under his breath: 'Damn!' and drove off.

“You see, that man spoke at least five languages and where did it get him?” – asked the second policeman.

“The age of these fossils here is 200 million 9 years and 5 months.”

One of the visitors wondered:

“How is it that you know their exact age?”

“I have been working here for 9 years and 5 months and on my first day on the job I was told that they were 200 million years old.”
LOGICAL
Two policemen were walking on the banks of a dried out stream.

“How did all these pebbles get here?”

“They were carried by the stream.”

“And where is the stream now?”

“Probably went to fetch more pebbles.”
PAMPERING
Bill, a somewhat simple-minded young fella, decided to let himself be pampered and went to a brothel. Explaining his desire to the madam, she answered him:

“Sure we can pamper you, but as to how much, depends on how much money you have.”

Looking into his wallet Bill stated:

“All I have is $10.”

Laughing, the madam exclaimed:

“Well, for ten dollars you can go outside around back and play with yourself.”

Looking a bit depressed, obviously let down having expected more, Bill went outside. After a few minutes, he returned. A bit irritated, the madam of the house asked him:

“Well, what are you doing back here?!”

Bill said:

“I've finished and would like to pay.”

“There's a way of making the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.”

“It doesn't matter,” - replied Mary, - “if only I can sell it.”

“Okay,” - said the friend. “This the address of someone who owns a car repair shop. If you tell him that I sent you, he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”

The next week Mary took her car to the repair shop. About one month later, her friend asked her:

“Did you sell your car?”

“No,” - replied Mary, - “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”
NEW SHOES
“Look darling,” – said the policeman to his wife, – “I bought myself a new pair of shoes. Unfortunately I will have to wait a few days until I can wear them.”

“Why?”

“Did anyone have the sense to bring the missing organ? If no time is wasted, it can be reattached and all that will remain from the accident will be an almost unnoticeable scar.”

When they all shook their heads in negation he ordered them to hasten back to the workshop and retrieve it. A short while later the ear was brought to the hospital in a plastic bag. After the blood was washed off, the injured man was asked if this is his ear.

“No,” - said the man, - “mine had a pencil behind it.”

“What happened?” – he demanded.

“The burglar escaped into a movie-theater.”

“And why didn’t you follow him there?”

“We already saw the film.”
SPEECHLESS
“Yesterday when I returned home unexpectedly, I caught my wife in bed with an Italian.”

“Appalling! And what did you say to him?”

“What could I’ve said? I don’t speak Italian.”
STRANGE COINCIDENCE
Mary came into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees’ well being, asked sympathetically:

“What's the matter?”

To which the girl replied:

“Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”

The boss, feeling very sorry for his young employee, suggested:

“Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy, just take the day off to relax and rest.”

Mary very calmly stated:

“No. I'll be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”

The boss agreed and allowed her to work as usual:

“If you need anything just let me know.”

A few hours passed and the boss decided to check on Mary. He looked out of his office and saw her crying hysterically. He rushed out to her, asking:

“What's so bad now? Are you going to be OK? What's wrong?”

Mary broke down in tears:

“I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!”

 I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it.  She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."  

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.

She said: "Just a minute."  

And walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 

She asked: "Do these excite you?"

Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on", - she said. "We don't have much time."  

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately I could no longer hold back and pow

I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown.  

"Did you put that condom on?"  

I said: "I sure did."  

And held up my thumb to show her.
DUMBFOUNDED
My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in North West London, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.

As Moishe was checking into a hotel, he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

Moishe was dumbfounded and to this day remarks to me that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
MENSA CONVENTION
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140, or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," - they said, - "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," - the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that."

She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
WHICH ONE?
A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio:

“I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” - he reported. “A man has been robbed I’ve got one them.”

“Which one?” - asked the operator.

“The one that was robbed.”

"George, I am going hunting tomorrow, but I don't want to have to close the clinic. I want you to take care of it and all of our patients". 

"Yes, sir!!!" - answered George. The doctor went hunting and on returning the following day, asked:

"So, George, how was your day?" 

George told him that he took care of three patients:

"The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL." 

"Bravo George and the second one?" - asked the doctor. 

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" - said George.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" - asked the doctor.

"Sir, as I was sitting here at the desk, suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. In a flash, she undressed herself, took off everything, lied down on the table, spread her legs and shouted:

"HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!" 

"And what did you do George?" - asked the doctor. 

"I put drops in her eyes."
HAS NO IDEA
From a passenger ship, everyone could see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

“Who is it on that island?” – a passenger asked the captain.

“I have no idea....., but every year when we pass, he just goes nuts.”
LITTLE JOHNNY
Little Johnny was always being teased by the other neighbors for being stupid. Their favorite joke was offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime - Little Johnny always took the nickel..One day, after Johnny took the nickel, a neighbor took him aside and said:

"Johnny those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know, that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?”

Johnny grinned and said:

"Well if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it and so far I've made $20."

“Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responded:

“It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter continued:

“Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?”

Forrest left to think the questions over. He returned the next day and saw St. Peter, who waved him up and said:

“Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest replied:

“Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed:

“Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?”- asked St. Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter said:

“Twelve? Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied:

“Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...”'

“Hold it,” - interrupted St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?”

“Sure,” Forrest replied, - “it's Andy.”

“Andy?” - exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,”- Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said:

“Run, Forrest, run.”

“Which of the two men can piss further?”

Answer:

“The one who opens his fly.”

“Why is your face so gloomy?” - asked one.

“I am fed up with my job” - answered his companion.

“What is it that you do for a living?”

“I am responsible for the washrooms at the Sports Hall.”

“Is the salary so bad?”

“It is not the money, it is the people. Every evening I clean the damn place, until it is spick-and-span, put in clean towels, fresh toilet paper and every morning it looks like a pigsty. No consideration at all!”

“And how long have you been doing this job?”

“30 years.”

“Then why don’t you just quit it?”

“What! And abandon the glamour of the sports-world?”
A REAL FAN
Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. When he arrived at the stadium, he realized that his seat was in the last row, in the far upper corner of the stadium. About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him:

“Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”

The man said no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquired of the man next to him:

“This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”

The man replied:

“Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't attended together since we got married in 1967.”

“Well, that's really sad,” - said Bob, - “but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?”

“No,” - answered the man, - “they're all at the funeral.”

“You know, that was the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration and the bet, to pay your respects.”

“It was is the least I could do, after all I was married to her for 25 years.”
SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF
A recent Scottish immigrant attended his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit heard the fans roaring “Run....Run!” The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!”

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!”

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump called a walk the Scotsman stood up yelling:

“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!”

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered:

“He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.”

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed:

“Walk with pr-r-ride man!”

“Did we heck. Half way up the fourth fairway Fred keeled over with a heart attack. After that, all the way it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred..”

“Top of the morning to you etc., etc”.

As Tiger bent down to pick up the pump, two tees fell out of his top pocket onto the ground.

“What are dey Son?” – said the attendant.

“They’re called tees” – replied Tiger.

What’re dey for?” – enquired the Cork man.

“They’re for resting my balls on while I’m driving” – replied Tiger.

Jaysus”, – said the Cork man, – “Dem fellas at Volvo tink of fookin’ everyting!”

"How was he killed?" - asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," - the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
A TRUE GOLFER
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said:

“Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!”

She looked at the men in the room:

“And gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together --- it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.”

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?”- answered the teacher.

“I was just wondering. Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”






STRAIGHT FROM THE HIP
DON’T MIND ME
At an impromptu domestic concert the housewife played the piano. After performing several pieces, she went over to one of the guests:

“I heard that you like music.”

“Yes, I do, but go on playing anyway.”
OBVIOUS
Two women met.

“Where have you been?” - asked one.

“I went to the beauty parlor, but it was closed.”

“I can see that.”

“Are you married?” - asked one.

“I was,” - answered her companion - “but my husband died just two days after our wedding.”

“Then the poor thing did not suffer much.”

“Yesterday in the neighborhood café someone called me a whore.”

“Why do you go to places where they know you?”
ASSHOLES
Two Englishmen businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other:

"I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek and in a thick Irish accent asked:

"What might ye be sellin' here?"

One of them replied sarcastically:

"We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said:

"You are doing well .. only two left!"

“All right. Can you catch mice?”