Guide To Eat And Hang out With Friends

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There was the usual Anne Frank - confident, obnoxious and garrulous - and the second Anne, which bob up sporadically. This second Anne was unnoted, misread and unfamiliar - she wanted to love and to be gentle. You know there's - to borrow words from the coherent and articulate Anne - the 'finer' and 'deeper' you. But is perpetually diffident and suppressed. Perhaps she's quiet, mild-mannered and priggish, not a frivolous and gullible jabberer or exploding contrivance you're labelled. But it's difficult, and oftentimes, people don't want the finer and deeper them to bob up, it will be weird, and people have a warped sense of humor.

Besides, you'll probably knock them over. The first Anne always showed herself up and wouldn't allow the second Anne out. She tried, but it didn't work. The first you is peremptory while the second you is taciturn and sober. Bringing out the second you for good or at least a year - hell no - a week - precious Olivia Holt - three days is a tough sledding. It's like working hard or sewing because you're necessitous and people think you're light in the loafers, but anyway, nowadays a fag means 'a female tooshie grabber'. Crikey Moses, it's exactly what you would like to be called - I'm laughing so hard. But anyway, when you bring out the second you, you're likely to retrogress and it's not a bad thing. You know what's a bad thing? It’s watching Chelsea lose a crucial match. Let’s be honest: we all sob inconsolably and curse at the wind. For others, the next morning, snug as a bug in a rug, they potter in their Hodie and ginch - God please, oh please - and look for articles online about how the referee fucked up. There's nothing comforting than knowing that there's someone to blame; that's why we blame everyone for our flubs. However, people who blame other people never change.

The second you is obsessed with quietness and is veracious. But the second you is not meant to take over the first you. God doesn't want anything taken away from you and He doesn't want anything added - He wants the real you. He wants that cheerful and amusing Anne that enjoys a kiss or a rude joke. He wants the ‘lighthearted’ Anne who doesn't care when people laugh at her or call her a 'chatterbox'. There's a flame leaping inside my chest and searing my throat: you're forbidden to betray yourself and you're forbidden to hurt yourself. The house-elf kind of behavior is genuinely prohibited - not by me - but by Jesus. You belong to him, not to yourself - understand that kiddo - and his wondering why you are paying the price that he already paid in full for you. Don't prove yourself and don't waste your life trying to be somebody else. Be a barrel of laughs, rabbit on, do something unconditional, listen to Willow Smith - Jesus Christ - make mistakes, and laugh yourself silly. But most importantly, love deeply because we are protected by our ability to love.

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Understanding the power of recognition in friendship is very important. Recognition brings a drastic and far-reaching change in ways of thinking and behaving. It is a turning point that changes our inner dialogue and helps us to see things from a different perspective. We live in an environment that promotes unhealthy food choices, saturated fats and calorie-dense food have gone up while the intake of fresh fruit and vegetables has gone down. Obese children are stereotyped and teased by their peers, and this often leads to low self-esteem and can result in depression. But if you can recognize the fact that with most people, stress and depression doesn't radical from being corpulent but the mind, then we're getting somewhere. Because the big problem is not exactly your body, but it's your thinking: a healthy mind = a healthy body.

People are exceedingly strategic and occupied. You should potter, be frivolous and do things spontaneously, even if it's sporadical. Scud upstairs, grab that small black bag with sparkly sequin and put your manicured hand inside - clutch those motley pocket-size notes - you can recognize your sprawling handwriting - and throw them out of the window. There, by God, don't you feel better? You have a behemoth lifted off your shoulders. What you do doesn't really make you tired - you don't exactly uproot giant trees barehanded - it's actually what you 'think' you should do that run you ragged. If you’re frazzled, your mind is fagged, your whole body will be bushed. It all happens when you niggle and throng your mind with fiddling notes and to-do lists. You're not Superman for Christ's sake, so you should be bone-idle sometimes because it's healthy for your mind. The most important issue to deal with is how you see your body - both literally and figuratively. Do you see your body as it really is?

Studies have shown that women, in particular, perceive themselves to have a very different body shape than what they really have. This is not helpful. How can people love their bodies if they can’t even be honest with themselves? People ought to stand in front of the mirror and assess their appearance in a non-judgmental way – that means drop any thoughts about how your thighs ‘should’ look or how muscular your tummy ‘should’ be. Chances are, you’ll be surprised by what you see. Once you have healthy view of your body, you’re in a better position to really live in it. The physical side is only half the story. What feelings arise when you think about the way you look? So many of us dislike our bodies.

We wish they were different – a little fuller here, less wobbly there. We spend so much energy trying to change them and disguise the bits we like least, we become consumed by it. Take the focus off trying to look like the next Kate Moss and aim to be healthy instead. When you develop an exercise or meal plan, do it with a caring attitude rather than out of guilt. You deserve to feel good – when we take good care of ourselves, our confidence and self-worth increases.

Recognition also touch the depths of our being and lead us to profound consciousness and awareness, but most importantly, recognition lead us to exploration of 'terra incognita' in mind and heart that will take us to the next level in our lives. The forlorn territory of appreciativeness is generally accessed by recognition - knowledge is not enough; we recognize to access reality and what impedes you is the bullshit you keep telling yourself as to why you don't need to explore. Change and transformation happen on the inside and radiance on the outside, but change itself begins with recognition. Human beings derive pleasure from labor and appreciation from recognition: we can't appreciate little things if we don't recognize them first. Moreover, what inspire us in life are the things we recognize.

If we can recognize the small things that people do to hurt us (people hurt people) then we can also recognize the small things that people do to make us happy. One of the things that we do to hurt our friends is simply not recognizing the little things that they're trying to do for us, and this should change, even if it means overcoming your pride and opening your mind beyond what is comfortable.

Friendship is nurtured by recognition and recognition begins with determination. What we don't recognize - we despise. With recognition comes truth and acceptance, but most importantly - a step forward. How are we supposed to become better people if we don't first recognize what we should change? The power of recognition leads to the power of knowing. In addition, if friendship doesn't cost you on the outside, then it will cost you on the inside - you'll have to unwrap yourself and eliminate thoughts and beliefs - they should know the painting of your heart and the governing of your mind.

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Accept your differences. It’s more pleasant when you stop trying to modify and start paying attention to who the other person really is – you may discover how much there is to admire. Inability to accept our differences radical from our perspective; our differences are not meant to separate us but teach us acceptance and understanding which is absolutely indispensable in friendship. When we accept our differences, then we start working towards our potential and goal to increase our intimacy instead of scrapping - for Christ's sake - over everything. The unnoted and most important thing about acceptance is that it lead us to gentleness and serenity.

Gentleness fastens our inner self. It is gentleness that chill and engulf us to become better people of serenity and discernment. Perturbing circumstances in our everyday existence imbibe our tranquility and leash us from felicity and enjoyment. The absence of mental stress or anxiety is the presence of joyfulness and delectation. But they can also be absorbed from ignorance to intromit worry and guiltiness, but visualizing your lustrous future through vitreous silica - possessing an undying faith and believe in the unseen morrow that you languish. Surely serenity is a gift from above – accompanied by happiness, love and pleasure.

This outstanding and rattling gift is freely bestowed to each and everyone of us. There are people who are inviolable and confident in the mist of difficulty and mystification – visual perception of their enduringness and joyousness even when facing treacherous water or climbing insurmountable mountains recites that the pelter of serenity has irrigated their dear lives. Again, one of the most important things about acceptance is that it lead to appreciation, and I simply define appreciation as taking pleasure and delight in what you have instead of worrying about what you don’t have or complaining about what you should have.

After finding the right person to spend time with and adjusting to fit their course of conduct, then it's important that we appreciate them. Appreciating people should be our mental attitude and precedency, willingness to relinquish our negative and ignorant thoughts, assumptions and feelings to behold what is unnoted and express gratitude is the most tremendous thing we can ever do. After all, how long will we hold off our appreciativeness to those that are meritorious?

I'm talking about the people that are always there for us, the friends we eat and hang out with, ultimately, the patiable and hungry old lady we always pump to cleaning the public toilets. It shouldn't be rarity. Appreciation is taking pleasure and delight in what God has given you, but unfortunately, it is disregarded and overlooked by most people - we are simply unappreciative and ungrateful bastards.

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Acts of appreciation gives you a heart of appreciation, and the more you do it, the better you become. One of the things that make us to be unappreciative is simply anger, oh well, again: anger - busted. Unappreciative people are angry people. I sometimes define anger as a useless blindfolder, because at the end of the day, we gain nothing from being angry, only frustration and setbacks. Don't waste your life being sad and stuff. But be appreciative - rightfully and sincerely. Saying 'I appreciate you' to someone can release strength, endurance, self-acceptance and change to that particular person. When you're appreciated, you find strength to keep doing the good that you do and never give up; when you're appreciated, you endure; when you're appreciated, you accept yourself; when you're appreciated, you change - change all the negative thoughts about yourself. That’s why we shouldn’t hold off our appreciativeness to those that are meritorious.

It can inspire them and ultimately change their lives.

The problem with acceptance is the fact that people have identity; which I think makes them delusional - thinking everything contrary to their normally is actually wrong in every way. I've seen people who don't befriend certain people with different religions because they're striving, by God, to protect their identity. I don't think I'll stifle my yen to stay and make a lot of friends in Burma because almost all the residents are Buddhists, and in the countryside many still worship the nuts - the spirits of forests and mountains. Religion is good but it can also be an inviolable rampart when it comes to many different things in life, we become circumscribed and unintentionally egoistical to protect our religious beliefs. Eckhart Tolle once said that religious people equate truth with thought, and as they are completely identified with thought (their mind), they claim to be in sole possession of the truth in an unconscious attempt to protect their identity. They don't release the limitation of thought.

The Burmese are a polite and cheerful people, and most of them live in small villages built, whenever possible, on the banks of a river and surrounded by a bamboo or wooden stockade for protection against wild animals. It's a beautiful country, and they had a lot to go through. Several ruined and deserted capitals, the largest of which is Pagan on the banks of Irrawaddy, show plainly what difficulty the Burmese must have had in past centuries in trying to work out a lasting and united government of their own. From the 11^th to the 19^th centuries, the history of Burma was one of the violent wars between princes. When in 1820 the great Burmese general Maha Bandula invaded the Indian states of Manipur and Assam and set out for Bengal, the British government declared war on Burma.

Maha Bandula was driven back and the Burmese had not only to give up their claim to Assam and Manipur but also to transfer Arakan and Tenasserim to the British. There's nothing wrong about befriending people with different religions, and besides, there's always something profound and unnoted to learn in every religion. Take for instance the Hindus, they had many gods and most of them represented the forces of nature like lightning, fire and water. As time went by, the Arya took religious ideas from the people whom they had conquered, and also began to worship some of their gods. Then the priests and thinkers began to study the religion more deeply, and began to have clear ideas about it. They wrote books which are still held in great honor, and started to teach the type of Hinduism that the priests teach today.

They teach that God is present in everything and every place, and shows himself in many different ways. Men can find God in three ways: by dedicating their work to him, by prayer and love, and by living alone and spending their days in prayer and contemplation (thinking about God). There are many relational ramparts that impede love and friendship. If two magnets are hung so that they can turn freely and are brought close together, the two north pointing poles swing away from each other, but the north pole of one swing towards the south pole. This can be expressed shortly by saying that "unlike poles attract each other but like poles push each other apart". If you cut a magnet into pieces, each piece becomes a little magnet with its own north and south poles.

In 1600 William Gilbert, court physician to Queen Elizabeth I, wrote a book in which he concluded that the earth itself was a huge magnet, with its poles at the north and south ends. He was almost right, except that the earth's magnetic poles are not at the true North and South poles. But here's something very important: if a straight bar magnet is dipped into iron filings (powdery iron) we all know that they'll cling thickly near the ends but not all in the middle, and that if a sheet of paper is laid down on a bar magnet and sprinkled with iron filings, the filings will arrange themselves in pattern called "lines of force". I would like you to think of people as iron filings, sprinkled in everyplace and there's a giant mantled magnetic chimney placed in the centre of the world. But even though you're all iron filings, none can possibly connect with the huge magnetic chimney because it's wrapped with a cloak. This is what it's like: love is wrapped with religion that even though we're all the same people, we don't exactly connect. We respect and care to much about our flimsy differences - which actually hinders love the freedom to make the world a better place

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Dishonesty and pretension are serial killers of relationships. A relationship can fall apart if it starves the truth. If you're always dishonest with yourself and other people, then you should know that "you" as the person who is dishonest will not virtually be miserable as the person you are dishonest with. That's why no matter how it might hurt - our friends always want us to be honest. The truth perpetually rub elbows with honesty. Honest people are truthful people. Throughout his career, Mexican journalist, Jesús Blancornelas, has reported the truth and exposed crime and corruption, regardless of personal cost. He has devoted his life to shinning a light on Mexico's notorious "narco traffickers".

The New York-based Committee to Protect Journalists once called him "the spiritual godfather of modern Mexican journalism" because despite death threats, an attempted assassination and murder of three close associates, Blancornelas never stopped reporting the truth and publishing the colorful weekly newspaper. We should make up our minds to be courageous, stubborn and ruthless pursuerers/admirers of the truth. The truth will hurt a man for a day, but honesty will liberate him. Pretention will hurt a man for a day, but dishonesty will lock him up in the donjon of hatred and anger. There's nothing worse than finding yourself in an untruthful and dishonest relationship. Friends are there to support us, help us and most importantly, spend time with us.

The least we can do is to be truthful and honest with them. It will actually strengthen and nurture your relationship because you'll both know where you stand. Being untruthful and dishonest can be induced by fear, and can be the lack of responsibility induced by unawareness. The rattling and amusing pictures we watch every single day on television have the power to control us and determine how we live. You might bear witness that most people who spend most of their time watching horror movies - I know a person who still calls them "films" - or movies that have to do with occult or witchcraft are sensitive, horror-imaginative and inordinately fearful mortals. And most people who watch movies that have to do with violence can become unsympathetic, merciless and...violent (which has become zilch to them). What we watch creates our paradigmn and our paradigmn determine how we live.

I think everyone has a paradigm, and our paradigms influence our relationships with family and friends. An egoistical paradigm, wilful or unitentional, makes you limited to or caring only about yourself and your own needs, and it is capable of posing any relationship in your life on the drop-off. Since the 1960s, the term “Paradigm shift” has been used in numerous non-scientific contexts to describe a profound change in a fundamental model or perception of events. People define a paradigm shift as radical change in thinking from an accepted point of view to a new one, or a radical change in thinking from an accepted point of view to a new belief.

Or is when you (or the powers that be in a society or culture) move from using one model of thinking to a completely different way of thinking. For example, Newtonian Physics to Einstein Physics or Modernism to Post-Modernism. Or a paradigm shift is when a significant change happens – usually from one fundamental view to a different view. A paradigm is a structured concept, idea or a practice. Any change in that due for any reasons leads to a paradigm shift. Some simply define it as how we think of most things. For instance, drunks are old men swigging from bottles in paper pags in an alley-way, when in reality, a drunk can be anyone. There are lots of definitions for a “paradigm shift” some say it’s the way you have thought about something all of your life. Shifting a paradigm happens when you open your mind to a fact that you’ve always thought about something and may in fact be different.

History and events often influence our paradigm. Or a paradigm shift is when a person has an epitome that is so profound that it forever changes the way a person perceives and reacts to a certain set of circumstances or more importantly a certain belief system. According to Bob Proctor, a paradigm is a multitude of habits logged in our subconscious mind. Paradigms are the reason your life is the way it is. Your paradigm is the program running and creating your life. So in order to change your life, then you’ll have to change your paradigm first. Cartoonists are one of the most adroit people. Because cartoons are for children, they make them funny, unstoppable and able to do and achieve anything they want. I'm talking about flying, speaking things into existence and all of that. The reason why cartoonists do this is to inspire children at a very young age that anything is possible to those who believe. What we spend most of our time watching can actually determine how we think, speak and what we do.

If we watch movies that promote being untruthful and dishonest, slowly, we will assimilate and digest that kind of conduct, and it will really affect our relationships. Dishonest people ought to be bestselling novelists, and being dishonesty is suicide and a game played by characters who escaped from the authors head. Friends want us to be honest, and never to sacrifice the truth, even when sabotaged by fear. It's easy to forgive the hurting truth than pretention and dishonesty. Divulgence is showing heart. Kissing is positive but it doesn't actually indicate people being in love, and when someone is in love with you, you'll first see by their actions before they actually say it. So if your partner cheats on, and decides to tell you the truth about what happened, of course you'll be angry. But it will be easy for you to forgive him not just because he asked for forgiveness, but also for the fact that he was honest with you. That's why it is hard to forgive people who are pretending and dishonest, and the worst, never decide to tell you the truth until you find out.

Because you somehow feel like you're forgiving someone who is actually not ready to be forgiven. Whoa! For years people have talked and preached about forgiveness. We seem like an unforgiving generation and it's not because we haven't heard or read about forgiveness, but it's because people who wrote and preached about forgiveness only focused on the people who should forgive, and forget about the ones that should be forgiven (what's the big deal?). So we find ourselves forgiving people who are not ready to be forgiven (you're not wrong though). Being truthful and honest can be supported by a decision. Decisions are important. When you decide to do right, there will be no room for wrong. Speaking the truth and being honest begins with making a decision and dearly committing yourself to be veracious. And veracity should be inviolable not to be subverted by circumstances, and also ingenious to understand circumstances. This is tricky.

Anyway, being honest is: 1) Giving in to love, and 2) Putting yourself in their position. And being dishonest is: 1) being unintentionally egoistic because you don't actually care about how much it will hurt the person you're dishonest with by being dishonest, and 2) Sabotaging yourself. The reason why I said it is giving in to love is that unlike hatred, love rejoices with truth. Sometimes the reason why people hate you is because they don't agree or rejoice with the truth of who you are. Another thing to know about haters is that they're not visionless and missionless people - they hate you with intent. Nobody hates you for nothing, is either you’re doing something virtuous or something terrible.

It's true that vulnerability to objectionableness abides within everyone, and difficulty to apprehend this mortal affliction puts us in a nerve-wracking and atrocious position. People who think are not being hated are the ones that are hated the most, while those who constantly complain about haters are not really hated, they just want attention. Here's something very important: people who hate you can be the same people who encourage you. Not everyone shows you the way because they want you to get there – some show you the way because they’ve already set traps. But you’ll begin to live freely when you understand that being hated is being loved upside down. It is love that is hard and harsh. In the long run you’ll learn that haters are not really haters, but people who loved you in a different way and helped you to become a better person and do better in life.

A Postscript

When It Comes To Relationships, by Jabu Casey
October 6, 2013
Unedited

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They're spitting images of Sandro Botticeli, Peter Brueghel and John Millais without a paint box and a canvas. We're in deep doo-doo. Our stars look up to other people to do what they should be doing but it never happens; it's a Joe-job. But even if some folks do try, it will be probably be a snowball's chance in hell. You should make volition and have uncoerced seclusion to experience tranquility and have a veritable spring-cleaning of the soul - it will obliterate the haunting and horrible sense of insecurity. You will come back to a place where you rightfully belong and be pure as the snowy leaves that fold over the flower's heart - no avalanche of vituperation. But always remember that whatever you do is done through you and not done by you. Our stars might be mendicants, but their wealth is within them, and surrendering to the inner exhortation will make a difference.

If you're waiting for something to happen, then you're the person that is sceptered to make it happen. Jesus came to earth to make a difference, not history, and God put within each and everyone of us the Jesus ability, empowered by the holy spirit, to make a difference. All you have to do is take the steps and make it happen. And by God, don't be a chicken, snub everything that holds you back and irresponsibility that makes you sit down and watch, and make up your little trepid and doubtful mind that you'll come out of your little shell and make a difference - there's no scale of measurement. But first, check yourself, find out what drives you - fear or belief? - and do something about it. You don't need qualifications to make a difference, something has told you that you can do it, you just have to close your eyes and just believe. Making a difference is being present in a relationship - not merely in the flesh, but also in mind and emotion. People have the ability to sense if we are not present, mindfully and emotionally with them, and it can enkindle frustration and extinguish unity and trust.

I'm not sure if my mind is playing tricks on me, but I think I’ve once read an article about men talking about women who quetch about ‘them’ not being present even though they're actually there in the flesh - tardily sipping their goddamn coffee and reading articles about Olivia Holt. But their heads droning with unhinged vociferations "You're not listening to me, where are you?". It happens oftentimes that people - more especially women - have a feeling (which I call a quick note from the house elf) in the middle of a conversation that the person they're talking to is only present in a flesh, not mindfully and emotionally. How frustrating!

I have always thought about words as an individual's servant, defender and aggressor. A servant because they do anything we want; as you perambulate a meticulously amassed heap of burnt and colossal stones in your pitch-black curtilage, inordinately rapid, words can make you vanish in a fume to Mars and back. And in a New York minute, words can build you a tidy and odoriferous bungalow equipped with the most expensive furniture from Britain. With the walls roughcasted in gilt and have attractive paintings (including one of the marble hall), photographs of nature (lustrous seas, black eagles, scampering cheetahs, raging lions etc) and argent pocket-size lamps dangling on the walls that gives the room a golden glow. Nothing is impossible with words. They can inspire, change and connect people. They're one of the most powerful, yet exceedingly venomous things in the world.

Recently, speakers, quoters, psychologists, directors, authors - the list goes on like names and numbers in a phone book - have been perspiring and striving to crumble the mainstream by a cantillate: "No one is perfect". And they've accomplished it - they're damn right. Eric you’ve done it. Give that man a Bell’s - no one is perfect. But I think that our perspective of perfection stray us from the definition of perfection according to the Bible, which defines a perfect man as one who knows how to control his tongue - precious Olivia Holt. It's emphatically capricious and implausible, why not he who doesn't sin?  But he who controls his tongue?

To climb Mount Everest, I think we are horribly wrenching and stinging with defensive, contemptuous, encouraging, hateful and endearing words, and that somehow makes controlling our tongues one of the hardest things to do in the world. But what's important to know is that as potent words can be, they'll perpetually ricochet if you try to convince your friend or partner that you're present mindfully and emotionally while you're actually not. I've learned that true feelings - ones that we perpetually snub and brush aside - are actually dementors that kibosh dishonest and untruthful words that try to convince us otherwise – as always.

Another thing about words is that they're an individual's defender. We don't promptly perforate or spade someone if they do wrong, but we give them a chance to explain themselves. They'll use words to rationalize their behavior. And the last thing is: word's are an individual's aggressor. What can build us can also destroy us. I said it before. Words can be wrongly used to agress people, and we often see it on TVs, media etc., and often experience it in relational conflicts. Your mindful and emotional presence can be felt in a relationship, and I've just shared with you that when we are not present mindfully and emotionally, words cannot bail us out because "true" feelings are dementors that halt our words to convince our partner/friend that we are present mindfully and emotionally even if we are not. The matter of being honest, first with ourselves and then with other people in relationships is mostly unnoted, but it's really important. How can you define friendship, or any relationship without honesty?

Ultimately, how can you define love without honesty? Honesty is the cardinal of inordinate felicity and incredible productivity in relationships because it extricates us from personal entanglement. Being dishonest with yourself about what you actually want or need in a relationship is actually sacrificing your peace, joy and the worst of all: embroiling yourself. If a particular relationship has codification or inclination that entertain crapulence, larceny or intimidation, and to be veracious, you're not really into that - you want to live a better life and become a better person - disclosing honesty, God, it's the damn thing you should do instead of tangling yourself. Jesus Christ. With honesty comes freedom. Being honest is to tear off everything that's actually holding you down. It is coming out of a murky dungeon where you've been starving and dying to be who you are and live the way you want to live. It is saying, "this might hurt a little, but I'll have to stick with who I am, not what you want or expect me to be". Being honest in a relationship doesn't mean being unaffectionate, egocentric, Mr. look-at-me-I'm-better-than-you or whatever people might call you.

But…brace yourself… it actually means you're a committed and unashamed stable cookie with a dream, vision and a course.

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Perpetual Pain

In The Street Of Rain

Without A Name

Only A Suicide Hymn

Written By Lynn

And The Suicidal Jane

I'm still not certain if writing this book is the right thing or it's to fall arse over tit or gulping Cynade. I can't help it but perpetually think I'm making a monkey out of myself - I should probably grab a corterfield winter coat, have a plonk and be on the piss. I'm officially snookered; it would be better to wash off pavement pizza in Tottenham Court Road or furbish Peter Stanley's raddled brogue, or perhaps have a jerry-built hutch - sell bubble and squeak in overalls; that would be great. I can perish - Crikey Moses - I have already seen Jerry Springer get his butt kicked by the Bella twins.

Perhaps there wouldn't be plenty of opportunity for self-doubt and I wouldn't feel it's bombastic prating if I was writing about Beverly Williams or Anne Frank - but friendship? Jimminy Crikets. I was stunned by John Green's masterpiece, Looking For Alaska. Not just by its realness, its beauty, and by his willingness to excavate the fossil and explicate the ineffable, but by its meaning - the maze. We all find ourselves in a labyrinth - jinxed that we can't apparate - no matter how astute and audacious. It is genuinely baulking and afflictive to be in the maze, or perhaps it's just me because I'm a huffy and sensitive guy who spends most of his time perusing books with inscrutable face and has a terrible case of foot-in-mouth disease. You can bide, perhaps belch - having a terrible case of foot-in-mouth disease is merely fabrication, and for guys it's a mortifying fillip - to be veracious - genuinely execrable and extraterrestrial.

You can have a butterbeer, I'm just saying. But think about it, veracity recites that our ultimate scourge is actually our labyrinth. Of course we're all antipathetic to being in the maze, but it's inevitable, and we all find ourselves bilked by it and stuck in the Charnel without an auxiliary. I perpetually think of Simon Bolivar's last words in Garcia Marquez's novel —"How will I ever get out of this labyrinth!" Perhaps because I'm a writer, I don't know, I mean, really. You don't need to open a book to know that most of us live shitty lives. We are writers - wallflowers and the Peter Van Houtens with stinking lives; either divorced, addicted, suicidal, alcoholic or impoverished. It's genuinely baffling when no matter how hard you try - you always think of suicide.

Well I'm jiggered! It's all about snogging, a pen and a paper - too principled not to feel guilty for not putting a single word down, might even think about self-annihilation. We are actually pilot biscuits and extraterrestrial beings with accolades of finding ourselves in fine how-do-you-do's; clods with muddled ideas about blinking characters and nothing more. This is being a muggle! And by God, I don't want to be a muggle, I want to apparate. I spent my teenagehood mentally abused, depressed, suicidal and melancholy. It was unbearable and it obliterated my good intentions. Pain can change anyone, and that's the main ground I don't want kids to grow up like I did: pain is poison, it literally kills your little dreams and that desire to live - everything becomes meaningless and you wake up every morning hopeless. It's a horrible trudge.

I indescribably despised myself, perhaps more than an indigent cobbler diddled a meg clam or Judas Iscariot - and the mirror was my worst enemy. I also wrote scads of complaintive notes to God - if my memory serves me correctly, there's one I had written that God is cagey and He gives pain to those who are too weak to live and too scared to kill themselves. But I wasn't scared. I always pined to be Spencer List or Brett Manning, not a miserable failure and necessitous wimp. Unfortunately, I don't even have a single one of those notes because with unspeakable and intolerable misery, I burned all of them together with my finished manuscripts and quotes; I don’t say that with pride but a vague sense of sorrow and loss. I inordinately scorned myself but mostly God.

I was stressed, hungry, depressed and melancholy - genuinely frustrated, overdosing and wearing the same clothes for more than seven months - and I felt like God was laughing at me. I'm this vulnerable pip-squeak and God is this behemoth who prod my forehead with his giant finger and I fall back like I've been hit by a truck and he split a gut. He finds it amusive. I fell from a skyscraper and my little wimpy faith which the guy upstairs ineffably despised fragmented - I broke my snot locker and went from believing that there's a caring and loving God to a whiskered old geezer up in the clouds, apathetic and deciding which team is going to win the Champions League. I'm glad I'm telling you the truth even though it literally puts me in the mud of being an atheist and unbeliever. I detest lies - whether it's a piddling lie or a white lie, I cannot brook them. I spent so many years grappling with God - I'm not sure if he was biffing me or I was stumping him - but it made me think he's a misanthrope, and he put me in an impenetrable gloom to shlep humongous pebbles while he is inordinately riant and perpetually nudging me. But I was wrong, well – almost.

-22-
Folks, lets sit down for a minute - you can have a chair, stool or you can be a spoilt rotten, the couch - and talk about ourselves, not our friends this time, but ourselves. It's a little strange; it's like having dinner with a Talapoin. But anyway, lets nibble this cracker. It's difficult, and I'm an unskilled pudding head trying to fix a contraption. I know. Besides, I can't do well with good-looking damsels and prickteasers who mope around here.

Anyway, when it comes to 'ourselves' as human beings - brace yourself, we are about to cruise the neighborhood in a convertible - I don't think people understand, or at least languish to understand the pestiferous, stonyhearted and herculean swayer of our universe. It's complicated – let’s just put it that way. There is a small-guy that perpetually disoblige us, prattle and smoke a cigar. Of course there is. Believe me, I know. I bumped to him a lot of times, and one of them was at the Hospital - Crikey Moses! Twice I've been there and at death's door in the process of writing this book.

I have my head droning, and then someone speaks into my ear, loudly so as to be heard in Frinton “We’re going to put something in your pecker. You’ll feel some pain, a little pinch. Hold on.” There's a great whack taken out of the memory; there are flashes, confused glimpses of faces and delusion fed by too many injections and giant putrid pills that might choke you. When I wake up, it occurs to me - in a muddled sort of way - that the day before I was happy and healthy, about to have forty winks in silence that seemed heavy and dark; like a passing cloud. But God, I'm at the hospital, it means something has happened. It's all quiet, sable and strange, perhaps I'm hallucinating, only God knows. After hours of being hag-ridden, I ease my eyes open, and then prop myself up on one elbow. I'm inordinately hurting and queasy, and by God, I look around giddy, and what gets my dander up is the fact that I can't spend a penny - something is hurting right there and it drives me batty. I scream.

A medical person - who took forever and a day - finally comes in, I swear to God he looks pissed off and washed-out. This might be the same guy I read about last week who killed a rat as big as cat with a brolly. He stands beside my bed spitting mad as a gaffer. With a sweet voice caroling like a gold-caged nightingale, I ask him to remove the thing in my pecker because it hurts; and that my stomach hurts; and that my right arm hurts; and that my head hurts, and that....

He shush me, run a hand through his hair and inject me - and in a New York Minute I'm numb again.

He is in our minds actually - he is the mind master the small-guy, and he somehow control our feelings too. He is a fuckin genius. When he is not sitting on a mop-headed cabbage palm and snorting a cigar in a rabble, then he is prowling in your mind - he knows how to tickle you, and always ready to give you a kick in the butt when you look away. He wants to mess you up the small-guy, vituperate your friends (he’s a traducer), and make you brabble with yourself. His job is to delapidate your relationships actually.

If we find ourselves in friendship because we're merely palavered, then we're in peril of having loopholes to discharge anger and hatred because there was no will and spontaneity. Imagination, of course. It's one of the most wonderful and easiest thing to do - tiddlers daily bread - you don't need vigour or forty winks to woolgather, you just do it, and that's the great thing about it. Okay - imagine yourself stuck in a cavernous and dingy dungeon and there are cumbrous fragments and the king of beasts prowling. You're in the raw, scraped and stinging in blood. You can't walk decently but hobble, and you know that a single claw in a New York minute from the king of beasts - you might kick the bucket. Do we see the same thing?