My great-grandparents were religious Jews in the old country; one in Russia and one in Germany. Life was very difficult for them. I have often wondered what was good. Why did they stay there in such difficult times? There must have been something important to them. I wonder if my son is discovering what I never knew. Perhaps there is something about being part of a community and having rules to follow that gives you something. I’ll never know. It is not the life I chose. I live in America now. We live in different times and a very different place. We have opportunities here that past generations never had. I don’t want to throw them away. Still, I wonder if my son is finding something of value. Maybe I should let him tell me about it. He does seem excited and eager about what he is learning. And learning is good. He won’t stay where he is now. Learning changes things. I’ll be patient.
Secular Christians:
Religion is just not important in order to live a good life. A person can be moral without having to believe in G-d. Why would our daughter want to take on Orthodox Judaism and live such a restricted life, with so many rules that make no sense for living in today’s world? Not only does it not make sense, it makes it hard for family get-togethers. The rest of the family is always having to bend to the rules of her Orthodoxy. No gatherings on Friday night or Saturday. No meetings in churches or restaurants. Food is always an issue. The Orthodox grandkids can’t do the kinds of activities that the other grandkids can do. It’s a pain in the neck. How will the Orthodox kids ever learn about the real world? How will they make their way as adults with such a limited background? What if they don’t want to keep such a restrictive lifestyle? What will she do when they rebel? What kind of education will they get? They can’t really take part in our life. It is such a shame.
The loving accepting view
We were raised to be open, loving, and accepting of all kinds of people. We didn’t have much connection with Jews, especially not Orthodox Jews. When our daughter converted to Judaism, we saw it as an opportunity to learn more about another way of living an ethnically rich life. It is fascinating to learn about the traditions and religious practices of the Jews. Our life is truly enhanced when we enter theirs. Our thinking has been expanded by the reading and learning we are doing. We feel a deep connection to and love for the Jews through our life experiences with our children and grandchildren. Sometimes we are frustrated by the differences and prohibitions, by things we can’t do with our grandchildren. But we see the incredible value of their growing up with weekly and yearly rituals, and with the family and community bonds that are built around the religious practices. We feel they have greater inner stability, and are safer in the world because of their community connections and the continuity of their religious traditions and practices. They have a meaningful life. We are thankful our daughter is giving this to her children.
Religious Christians: The judgmental disapproving view
We cannot understand how our son could have left our faith and joined another one. It is very hurtful that he joined Judaism. It seems like a step backwards, like going to the time before Jesus. He doesn’t seem to understand that Jesus was a Jew, and he changed the religion because G-d asked him to. G-d had new ideas, starting with Jesus. Why would anyone want to go backwards and defy G-d? We pray for our son every day, and have asked all our Sunday school groups to do so as well. We all pray that he will return to the faith that will save his soul. We don’t want our behavior to condone anything he is doing in Judaism. That is why we don’t go to the synagogue or celebrate any of the Jewish holidays with him. We hope he doesn’t have children, but if he does, we will pray for them too.
The loving accepting view
How fascinating that our son has converted and is immersing himself in Judaism. We will all learn more about the life and times of Jesus through studying Judaism with him. Perhaps this will be a very important stage in our son’s life. He will probably become more religious. We like seeing him take religion seriously and live his life with religious principles. Judaism is, after all, the foundation of Christianity. We are very thankful that this is what he chose and not some other religion that is not related to us in any way. Going to his synagogue and participating in the Jewish holidays will enrich our lives. We are willing to go along with his rules because he is so important to us. We love him deeply and do not want this to separate us. We hope that through our love and his study, he will come to respect the Jewish foundation of Christianity and then return to our faith. Until then, our family can come closer by appreciating and sharing his new spiritual path with him while we keep our own faith.
Chapter 4
The Bigger Questions
The value and gifts of changing perspective
by Oralee
Asking these questions can help us turn the kaleidoscope:
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Is our lifestyle more important to us than peace and openness in the family, or making changes to include the newly observant family member in our lives?
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What changes would we have to make to stay connected?
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What is the impact of their decision on our resources?
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How much room do we have for our children to ask questions and reach different conclusions from the ones we have accepted for ourselves?
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In the end, what really counts for us?
Is our lifestyle more important to us than including the newly observant family member in our lives?
What is peace/wholeness/shalom within a family?
It means being conscious of the deep love that connects us as human beings through being family. Families give us connections we otherwise might not have, because of the differences in lifestyle and philosophies. We usually don’t choose family members, or our extended families. We do choose a marriage partner, and then that person comes with a family we didn’t specifically choose. We usually choose friends because of similarities. In our families we confront differences. The family tie gives us an arena within which to face and work with the struggles that arise.
Differences of opinion, approaches, and even certain values don’t have to result in conflict. They can be held with respect for one another, while maintaining loving connections that flow underneath the differences. This does not mean avoiding discussion or knowledge of these differences. It does mean valuing an exposure to different ways of living and being.
Other related questions are: What does “included” mean? Can they be included in our lives without our changing anything?
The answers to these questions depend on our family traditions and expectations. Do we celebrate birthdays and holidays together in one of our homes? Do we go to restaurants, hotels, or resorts to celebrate? Do our children and friends stay at our house when they are visiting? Do we travel with our family? What are the things we do, or have done, together?
Is keeping kosher and keeping the Sabbath part of our lifestyle? Is our practice of kosher shopping, cooking, and eating different from the expectations of the newly observant? Do we drive, shop, or work on the Sabbath? Do we use computers, watch TV, listen to radios, or play music on the Sabbath?
Do we shake hands with men and women? Do we hug people we know? What kind of clothes do we like to wear? What kind of vacations do we take as a family? What kinds of entertainment and sports do we like?
When someone close to us changes what is acceptable in his or her life, we have questions about why. It might also make us question what we do, or defend what we do.
Feeling defensive about our lifestyle and our choices is a big obstacle to maintaining close connections. When people feel defensive, communication often heats up to attacking others, or it shuts down. Usually when someone verbally attacks another person, the attacker feels defensive about some aspect of himself or herself. This may be unconscious and unrecognized by the attacker. When people are attacking or defending positions or other people, it is very difficult for any of those involved to feel the loving connections that may be there.
Some families think that avoiding talking about possible areas of conflict avoids the conflict. In my experience with people, it does not. In the short term, it may seem like people are getting along with each other. However, in the lives of my clients and friends, as well as my own experience, the conflict that rests just below the surface often comes out in sarcastic remarks, teasing, or gossip about others. It may erupt during a time of crisis, an illness, a death, an accident, or even in joyful family gatherings like weddings or reunions. Usually, families with unspoken conflict find that their gatherings are very stressful. It takes a lot of energy to keep the conflict underground. When it erupts and comes out into the open, it can be very damaging to the whole family.
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