I’ve got it let’s invade Iraq!
THE STUPID 365 PROJECT, DAY 36: TOP SECRET — SADDAM’S WMDs November 6th, 2010
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THE STUPID 365 PROJECT, DAY 36: TOP SECRET — SADDAM’S WMDs November 6th, 2010 
TOP SECRET ** EYES ONLY ** TOP SECRET ** EYES ONLY TO: President Bush FROM: Mr. Wolfowitz RE: Saddam’s WMDs Mr. President, this memo is intended to provide a factual context in which to view the “loyal” opposition’s cynical reaction to our so-called “failure” to find definite evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Allow me to make the following points. In fact, we did find definite evidence of several Iraqi WMD programs. First, we discovered absolutely enormous quantities of sand — so much sand, indeed, that Saddam’s lackeys abandoned all attempts to conceal it and instead scattered it around the desert, hoping we wouldn’t notice it. As we all know, the most devastating low-tech WMD is the so-called “dirty bomb.” It is clear to any thinking person, other than those petit-point doilies at the New York Times, that the one indispensable component of a dirty bomb is dirt. And to the Iraqi mentality, “dirt” means “sand.” I’m telling you, there was sand all over the place. It must have taken years of slave labor to get all that sand into Iraq. I can see you shaking your head now, Mr. President, but I assure you: nothing short of tens of thousands of slaves, some of them no doubt scantily-clad young females perspiring beneath the lash, could have put all that sand there. An effort demonic in intent, Mr. President, and enormous in scale. Second, while exploring the cavernous basements of Presidential Palace Number 4, many of the rooms of which were clumsily disguised as bowling alleys, several of our soldiers came down with the sniffles. The conclusion is inescapable: these “bowling alleys” had actually been home to the Iraqi Biological Warfare effort, which was on the verge of producing a really nasty head cold. Given sufficient time and resources, they would have moved on to a terrible sort throat — you know, the kind where those little lumps near your jaws get all tender and swollen? Glands or something. And from there, the pathway to the lungs yawns open, just inviting pneumonia and whooping cough and other debilitating illnesses. Uninterrupted, Saddam would have pursued this course until no one in American could have drawn an easy breath. Tell that to Jim Lehrer. Third, buried well out of sight and behind locked steel doors in the deepest basements of all the Presidential Palaces we discovered massive quantities of a thick, sticky black substance labeled Hair Dye that was obviously actually pitchblend, an unavoidable by-product of the uranium refinement process. Can any of these pantywaist libs say atomic bomb? And finally, you will notice in the aftermath of Saddam’s execution how easy it is to find hangmen in Iraq. This is obviously the result of a national hangman’s offensive conceived to train thousands of men, and, undoubtedly, some scantily-clad young women wearing short white latex gloves to protect against calluses, to develop expert hangman’s skills so they could be infiltrated en masse into the unexpecting heartland of this great nation. Gives new meaning to the old phrase, “Give ‘em enough rope.” And you, Mr. President, can take pride in having denied them that rope. Sir, when the final list is made of freedom’s greatest triumphs, for permanent engraving on the wall of human memory, these accomplishments will be at the very top, so high that slightly-built young women in filmy summer clothing will have to go up on tippy-toe to read them. Mr. President, America sleeps more soundly because you are in the White House.
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