Etiquette rules in the United States and Canada generally apply to all individuals, unlike cultures with more formal class structures, such as those with nobility and royalty.[1]
Both Canada and the United States share cultural and linguistic heritage originating in Europe, and as such some points of traditional European etiquette apply to both, especially in more formal settings.
Among the most prominent writers on North American etiquette are Letitia Baldrige, Judith Martin, Emily Post, Elizabeth Post, Peggy Post, Gertrude Pringle, and Amy Vanderbilt.
Principles
Judith Martin states that if one wishes to become an accepted member of any society or group, one "had better learn to practice its etiquette."[2]
Early North American etiquette books claimed that the manners and customs of the "Best Society" could be imitated by all,[3] although some authors lamented that the lower classes, meaning those "whose experience in life has been a hardening process," in fact treated the rules of etiquette with "contempt and ... a sneer." [4] Current etiquette books do not employ the concept of "best society," but rather define etiquette as a set of guidelines that "help steer our behavior as we move through our daily routines"[5] and that can help deal with "the pressures of modern life [which] make it all the more difficult to stay civil."[5] This change is reflected in the content of etiquette books; etiquette books published in the early 20th century contained detailed advice on the treatment of servants, the conducting of formal dinner parties, and the behavior of a debutante;[6] more modern books are likely to emphasize the importance of respecting people of all classes, races, and ethnic backgrounds.[7] Some books make a further distinction betweenetiquette and manners:
Etiquette is protocol, rules of behavior that you memorize and that rarely bend to encompass individual concerns and needs. Manners embrace socially acceptable behavior, of course, but also much more than that. They are an expression of how you treat others when you care about them, their self-esteem, and their feelings.[8]
Etiquette writers assert that etiquette rules, rather than being stuffy or classist, serve to make life more pleasant.[7]
Though etiquette rules may seem arbitrary at times and in various situations, these are the very situations in which a common set of accepted customs can help to eliminate awkwardness. While etiquette is often a means to make others feel comfortable, it is also the case that etiquette can serve to eliminate inappropriate behaviors in others by increasing discomfort.[9]
Basic rules -
It is inappropriate to tell others they are not following proper etiquette, unless 1) they are specifically asking whether they are being rude, or 2) the person is under your instruction, such as is the case with a parent, babysitter, teacher, or supervisor.
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One should never attempt to preemptively excuse themselves from rudeness. "I don't mean to be rude, but..." is not an appropriate beginning to a conversation. Likewise, "Pardon me for whispering" does not make the whispering acceptable.
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One may use one's unique cultural differences as a reason to be more gracious, not less. For example, saying "Well, most people in my culture don't send thank you notes" is not considered acceptable.
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When in an extreme situation where someone's rudeness is causing an intolerable issue, one should bring it to the attention of the person in authority, such as a facility's management or the police. If a situation occurs in one's own home, it is appropriate for the host to speak to the person in question (privately, if possible) and if necessary to ask the offending individual to leave.
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Judgments of individuals are a personal matter, and it is not incorrect to hold certain learned beliefs about people. However, personal opinions should remain private in polite company.
General standards
These etiquette topics are relevant in both the United States and Canada and pertain to basic interactions in society. It is understood that these are general rules to which, in certain contexts and depending on the expectations of the parties involved, there may be exceptions.
Bodily functions -
One should attempt to suppress yawning in polite company, concealing the mouth with the back of the hand.[10]
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Nose-blowing and other personal habits should not be performed in the company of others, but only after excusing oneself in order to do so in private.
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One does not cough, or sneeze without covering one's mouth in front of others.
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One does not chew with one's mouth open, slurp, or make excessive noise while eating.
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Burping or farting in the presence of others should be avoided. When this occurs, it should be ignored by all parties present. In the US, however, if one burps in the presence of others (though this still should be avoided), rather than simply ignoring it, she or he is obligated to say, "Excuse me"; it is usual for the volume of this exclamation to be in proportion to the volume of the burp.
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Spitting in public is considered inappropriate.
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One should wash one's hands following contact with bodily fluids and prior to eating.
Cultural distinctions and identity -
One does not comment on the language skills, citizenship, nationality, family history, education, economic status, social abilities, behavior, beliefs, or other personal traits of another.
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A highly important social cue in North America: One does not comment on one's race, religion, or sexual orientation.
Gender -
When a person needs to urinate or defecate, it is customary to do so privately inside a closed room designated for that purpose, such as a public restroom (U.S.) or washroom (Canada). When a restroom has multiple stalls, the room may be occupied by persons of the same gender, but each stall will be occupied by no more than one person at a time. Although the room may be shared by multiple people, each person takes care to neither discuss bodily functions nor observe the bodily functions of other people.
Greetings -
Greetings are offered in the form of a hand shake or a hug as dictated by the relationship's social distance and the comfort level of the parties involved.
Hats -
Hats are generally not worn in houses or restaurants, nor in places of worship and important civil buildings. However, according to Peter Post, hats may be worn inside shops, in one's own house, in certain business places, and in public transit buildings (airports, etc.).
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However, as hats have severely declined in use since the 1950's, many in the US are unaware of the nuances and choose simply to not wear hats indoors at all, and that is the common rule in schools.
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Sunglasses are not worn indoors or at night.
Language -
English is the predominant language in the United States and Canada, but is not universally spoken. French is common in areas of Canada, and Spanish is spoken widely in the United States.
Money -
One does not discuss one's personal wealth, possessions or finances socially.
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It is not appropriate to ask about another person's salary, real estate holdings, or to make other such financial inquiries.
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Money and financial documents are concealed at all times by keeping them enclosed in a wallet or purse. It is unacceptable to "flash" or flaunt money unless a specific amount must be presented during a financial transaction.
Pointing and gestures -
Pointing is to be avoided, unless specifically pointing to an object and not in the general direction of other people.
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If a person is encountered who has a disability or disfigurement, it is considered rude to stare, point, whisper about, or ignore such a person. It is best to make no outward sign that the person is any different from another human being similarly situated.
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Obscene gestures are not appropriate.
Privacy and personal space -
An arm's length of personal space is the normal comfort zone between unrelated individuals. Strangers who approach closer than this may be deemed hostile, belligerent, or sexually motivated.
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Personal matters should not be brought up except to those with whom one is highly familiar.
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Bumping into or touching an unknown person, even in a crowded area, should be avoided. If it is necessary to touch a person in order to pass by them or to get their attention, one should say, "Excuse me," "Pardon me," or "I'm sorry."
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Depending on the region and situation, it is sometimes appropriate in close quarters to navigate one's self around surrounding people with an alerting hand on the upper back or arm, lightly and never with the intent to displace said person. This is not, however, a standard practice where there is enough room to navigate safely without such.
Smoking -
One should not smoke in another person's home or car without first asking, and even that should be avoided.
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Smoking in or near doorways of non-smoking buildings is not appropriate
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Ashes, butts, matches, empty lighters and such should be disposed of in appropriate trash receptacles.
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One should avoid blowing smoke in the direction of others, especially non-smokers; if, for example, one is smoking at a walkway and a person is walking through, she or he should either avoid exhaling a drag completely or at least redirect the smoke so as to not hit the passer-by.
Honorifics and forms of address -
It is common in North America to use first names immediately upon meeting strangers (“Hi John–nice to meet you. I’m Clara.”), but such practices should not be followed in exceedingly formal circumstances as it is not correct etiquette.[11] When first introduced to someone, etiquette permits only relatives or children to be addressed using first names. Otherwise, one should address another as Mr. or Ms. [Lastname]. It is considered appropriate to ask to be addressed by one’s first name once a friendship is established (“Please call me Shirley”' in particular formal situations, such a request can be considered a great sign of trust and intimacy.)
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While professional, academic, religious, military and political titles, such as “Judge”, “Colonel”, “Mayor”, “Reverend”, “Senator”, “Doctor”, “Professor”, etc., are often used in social situations, no offense should be taken by anyone when being referred to with the titles “Mr.”, “Ms.”, “Mrs.” and “Miss” in the United States, as the United States is in theory an egalitarian society, and other honorifics are not considered higher socially.
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The stand-alone honorifics “sir” (for all gentlemen regardless of age), “miss” (for female children) or “ma'am" (for adult ladies) may be used for a person whose surname is unknown.[12] “Mister” should not be used on its own (as in, “excuse me, Mister”) as it may sound impolite or ignorant. “Young lady” or “young man” should only be used to address pre-adolescents, as these terms are usually taken as patronizing.
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“Ms.” is considered the default title to be used in conjunction with any woman’s name regardless of marital status, unless she indicates another preference. Traditionally, the title “Miss” was reserved for use by unmarried women, and “Mrs.” for married women. Various combinations of titles, the woman’s given and family names, and/or those of her husband have become acceptable. Any person’s personal preference should be honored once it is made known.[13][14]
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There are complicated rules regarding proper usage of political titles in the etiquette-related field known as protocol.
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Bowing, genuflecting, or prostrating oneself toward another person is socially unacceptable in most circumstances. Doing so might offend others, especially if it appears to be done in mocking or to designate servitude. One exception is the bowing of dance partners to one another, although it may be pretentious to do so except on a formal occasion or when bowing is integrally linked to the music genre. Genuflection is usually reserved for a marriage proposal. Prostration is usually reserved for religious worship.
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