The triumph of the water lily
part of your life," he argued, in a quiet and controlled voice
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- Dark Clouds and Death Loom Closer
- The Painful Finality of Death
| part of your life," he argued, in a quiet and controlled voice.
"I haven't said I don't want to marry you Norman," I responded with similar calm. "All I'm asking for is time." "Time, so what can happen!" Norman asked, heatedly, as his patience snapped. "This is ridiculous Effua, why should we be getting into such heated debates when, we both care so deeply for each other?" he asked, as he came to hold my shoulders and look deeply into my eyes. His outburst surprised me a little and I remained unresponsive. "Look, I know about Odibe. I appreciate what you went through
"That's enough Norman," I said, cutting him short and trembling with suppressed rage. I wondered just who had told him about Odibe. "Look Effua, you and I will have to discuss Odibe sometime or the other and it might as well be now. You've got to put him behind you; you've got to leave him in the past where he belongs and grasp the present with both hands." Something snapped within me just at that moment and I saw red! I fell as if this was the ultimate intrusion into my private grief (old and latent though it might have been). "That is enough! I refuse to discuss Odibe now or any other time, so you just leave him out of it," I said, trembling with anger. "Effua for goodness sake, I love you! That is why I'm interested in discussing this thing with you. I wouldn't care two pence, if you decided to remain emotionally in the past forever and not live fully in the present, if I didn't care for you! I wouldn't have brought Odibe into this, if I wasn't convinced he was the one responsible for your hesitation about making a new life with me." "I won't have you mention his name again!" I burst out irrationally and with absolute rage. "And I won't compete with the memory of a ghost!" Norman lashed out with fury. 179 "Get out Norman," I said, with my fury threatening to overwhelm me, as I held the door open for him. "I'm sorry!" Norman said, contritely and slightly regretful of having lost his grip on himself. "I had no right to say that Effua and I do apologise, but unfortunately it's the truth. I'm prepared to do anything to help you get over Odibe, but I can only do so in an atmosphere of trust and trust means you've got to be prepared to open up to me and opening up to me calls for a lot of courage and honesty on your part. I have candidly confessed that you fill all my senses Effua, and that is why in a typical male fashion, I cannot allow anything, be it in the present or in the past, hinder or intrude into that love," he explained, quietly. "I believe you've said enough for one night. Will you now leave?" I said, still emotionally distraught and very close to tears. "I'll leave Effua if you insist," Norman said slowly, with eyes narrowed, as they held mine. "But not until after I've said my piece. I love you, but I won't condone anything that is less than open candour and a reciprocal fairness from you." "Will you leave!" I screeched at the top of my voice and pointed at the door, with a shaking finger. Norman remarkably and no longer perturbed, drew in a long breath. He pulled himself to his full height, with eyes squarely focused on mine. "If I walk through that door Effua, it would be the last you would see of me. I leave for New York on Wednesday and will be gone for five years The rest is up to you Effua, you know where to find me if you change your mind," he ended, quietly, with ominous finality. I simply remained cold and unflinching all the while he spoke. I had my back turned to him and after a minute or two of heavy silence. I heard him walk away. I remained as still as a ramrod, as I heard him let himself out through the front door, bang his car door shut and start the engine of his vehicle. All my senses screamed at me to run after him and call out his name, but my pride wouldn't let me! I simply stood there, trembling all over and broke down with tearing sobs, as his car gathered speed and disappeared into the night. I crumpled down unto my bed and wept, as I had not done in a long time! My head ached badly all through that night and my vision became 180 blurred, as I developed a migraine. The following day, Yele brought me a meal in bed and tried to make me eat it, but I couldn't. Neither could I talk about what had happened with her. Yele was sympathy itself and respected my need to remain quiet and didn't put pressure on me to go over anything I didn't want to. On Monday morning, I was barely able to drag myself to work, I still felt miserable and my body ached all over. At about noon that afternoon, Nicky handed me a telex message, which had just arrived for me. It was from Odili and bore a British address and postmark. It was brief and to the point: Nkem's condition, now critical. Please proceed immediately. She's desperate for you. Love ....Odili. I showed the message to my Editor-in-Chief, who was very
On arrival at Lagos airport, I booked the next available flight to Britain. It was scheduled to leave at 2.00 am, the following morning and so I spent the night at my parents' home and also spoke to Odili on the phone. He was very relieved to learn that I was coming over the following day. He gave me a description of how to get to the hospital from Heathrow airport and ended the conversation in a voice, thick with despair, saying: "Your friend is putting me through hell, Effua! She's gradually slipping away from me and I can't do anything to stop her!" "Don't despair," I said to him, feeling just as sad. "You'll pull through this crisis as well," I assured him. "I very much doubt it. I doubt if we'll win this one" .... he ended quietly. 181 Thirteen Dark Clouds and Death Loom Closer The cold winter air stung my face sharply, as I alighted from the plane at Heathrow airport. I was grateful I had brought Yele's thick winter coat with me. I soon got a taxi to take me to the hospital, where Nkem was and it turned out to be a long way off from the airport. Tension built up within me, as the taxi brought me closer to my destination. The pain of losing Norman and then the fear of losing Nkem too, made me feel as if I had reached the end of my tether. I was convinced I had reached rock bottom and the very end of my strength. I broke down and wailed, when I saw Nkem at the hospital. I didn't need anyone to tell me she was dying! Great wracking sobs tore at my chest, as I beheld with horror and disbelief, my friend of nearly a lifetime. She was literally slipping away from life into death, before my very eyes, just as Odili had said on the phone. Nkem tried to still my shaking frame, by holding me in her thin frail arms. "It's alright darling," she said, soothingly, in a strong, clear voice (her voice had surprisingly remained unchanged). "I'm so scared Nkem," I whispered, tearfully. "Don't be," she replied, softly. "It's going to be alright." Her tone was
She was obviously pleased to see me and stood there smiling at me, with eyes, which had become more prominent, but nonetheless, retentive of most of their original beauty. "I'm, alright Effua, honestly, I am!" She assured me. "My appetite is still sharp, the morphine keeps me pain free and I've
"But see how thin and wasted you've grown," I protested tearfully like a child, as I watched her, with frightened eyes. "Yes, I know," she agreed, soothingly, in her attempt to placate me. She led me to a seat close beside her own and took my hands in hers,
182 "My strength is failing Effua and death is very near. I might even go much sooner than we've been told to expect," she went on speaking to me slowly and deliberately, as she would to an uncomprehending two- year-old. "I'm not afraid to die Effua; at least not any longer. I asked Odili to send for you, because I wanted to share this experience with you. What I am going through right now Effua, is neither painful nor frightful and I want you to understand that. I need you to be strong for Odili, Effua! Not only now, but in those early few days when I'm gone. He's become so frightened of walking in through that door and finding me gone; ever since the doctors confirmed that I have a cancerous growth in my lungs. He's been so bitter and confused!" "I've tried to explain to him that it's really not the longevity of our lifespan that matters, but rather, its quality. But how on earth do you get that across to a man, who is losing a wife, who is only thirty-two years of age and the mother of his eighteen-month-old baby? Nkem asked, rhetorically."He is in a complete state of turmoil and for his sake, I hope God takes my life soon and spares him any more of this frightful torment." I simply sat there shivering, as I listened. In spite of the thick coat I had on and the heating system in the room, cold shivers kept running up and down my spine. "I know I run the risk of sounding selfish to you, by telling you I'm unperturbed by what I'm going through right now," Nkem began again urgently, with bright eyes that were completely unafraid! "But the truth is that in death, I would be better able to do for my loved ones all the things I'm unable to do for them now, within the constraint of a physical body. I would then, be able to help Odili come to terms with what must be! I sincerely believe that death is merely a transition, a journey into that which is hitherto unexplored by a given soul, but one which holds tremendous promise of happiness, because Christ and God himself is at the end of it... if only we would all believe that Effua!" she ended, with a deep sigh. I simply sat there stiff and silent, as I listened and never for a moment taking my eyes off her. She obviously had a lot on her mind, which she wanted to share with me, before she ran out of time and her strength completely failed her. She was visibly growing weaker; she smiled softly and then took a deep breath, as she rallied her strength and continued. 183 "I'm telling you with conviction, that this life is not the end of living Effiia; there is a richer and better life to be shared with God, in so far as we are prepared to believe him and Jesus. God's spirit has inspired me to stop theorising and doubting and has replaced my apprehension about both the present and the future, with a tremendous calm. God's been really marvellous to me; in these past few weeks. I've hovered between life and death and I actually do feel constrained until I behold His face," She ended, with another sigh and leaned back heavily in her chair, with her eyes closed, as she battled with fatigue. I shook my head with sorrow and disbelief, as I looked at her; it all seemed so cruel and illogical to me. "But can't He wait until you're older?" I asked. "You've still got so much to offer your husband and your child?"
"My life has been brief Effua, but I've no regrets," she said, as she looked at me, with tired eyes and a soft smile. "As I said before, it's neither the brevity nor longevity of our lives that counts, but rather, its quality. I've done my time Effua, rather short though it was. As Saint Paul puts it; I have run the race to the finish; and I have fought the good fight to the end; what is now left for me, is to collect the crown of glory, which Christ the righteous Judge will give me. I'm very tired Effua," she confessed, as she leant back in her chair and again, the enormity of her illness and how wasted she had become, hit me a second time. I reached over, and helped her get into bed. "That's better," she said, as she lay back against the pillows, breathing heavily. "I tire so quickly!" "I could never pretend with you Effua," she said, smiling, as her eyes rested on me again. "I want to go to be with Jesus and rest! I've entrusted my son and husband to his care: he gave them to me, he also has the responsibility to care for them!" she ended, firmly and pulled the bed covers around herself. I tucked the sheets in around her and made sure she was comfortable. She followed every one of my movements with her eyes and then said to me: "Effua, you've been more like a sister to me. I know God will bless you for it." 184 "Tell me, how was your trip?" she asked, after a slight pause. I was startled to hear her change to a topic as triviai as my overnight flight, when death literally hovered around her. "It was okay," I responded, noncommittally. "I came over straight from the airport." "I must phone to ask Odili to send the driver down to take your luggage to the house," she gently remarked. "There won't be any need for that, I've already arranged for a room at the Guardian guest house. I made the reservations in Lagos, before I left." Just at that moment, a nurse came into the room to administer Nkem's drugs. There were so many of them. Nkem made a funny face, as they were handed out to her. She asked the nurse in jest, to swap the bright coloured ones with chocolate smarties the next time she did her rounds. The nurse laughed good-naturedly and promised she would see what she could do. Nkem soon became drowsy and I thought it best to leave her for a while. I decided to go over to the guest house, drop my things, have a change of clothes and return to the hospital, as soon as I could... I told her I was leaving and as I did so, her heavy eye lids flickered open. "Yes, you must have some rest, you must be tired after travelling all through the night... How is Norman?" she asked suddenly, with her gaze steady and intent on my face. I didn't quite know what to answer and avoided making contact with her eyes, as I debated whether or not to tell her a lie or give her a non-committal answer. She immediately sensed there was something wrong and reached for my hand nearest to her, and hoisted herself up against the pillows with determined effort saying: "Effua, you look at me! I know you're hesitating about entering into a marital relationship, or committing yourself to any one man, because of the pain you suffered all those years ago, when you desperately wanted Odibe, but couldn't find him. I've been through that road my dearest and believe me, I know how you feel. However, there is no insuring ourselves against pain in this life! We've simply got to take each day as it comes! What is in the past is gone forever. It is only the present that belongs to us! Grasp what chance of happiness you can find at the moment with both hands! Norman has so much to offer you; please let him give it to you. I won't forgive you if you let this chance of happiness slip you by!" 185 she ended, with a tired sigh, as she sank back into her pillows drained. "Phone Odili please, before you leave. He is at our home in Brent Cross. He said to let him know the minute you arrived." "You know the number?" she asked, as her tired eyes flickered open to look at me. I nodded silently and continued to stroke her forehead gently, in an attempt to settle her down to sleep. Her speech soon became slurred and disjointed, as she muttered: "He should be here soon, he went to get me my lunch ... He wants to be there when it's being prepared ... I keep telling him Mama Nima can do it herself, but he never listens ... He'll bring Julian with him...Julian is always with him these days. . ." she ended, her voice fading off as she succumbed to sleep. I stood, looking down at Nkem, as she breathed softly in her sleep. Despair welled up inside me, as I gazed down at this woman, who had come to mean so much to me. At that moment, I found myself questioning God's judgement. I knew a thousand and one people, whom several individuals would be only too glad to find dead. Yet, it was Nkem, who was being plucked away from her husband and son at the unripe age of thirty-two! She still had so much to give everyone around her, I thought bitterly. Why couldn't she be allowed to remain to have more children by her husband? Why couldn't she be allowed to stay and watch Julian grow into a man? I queried, as hot tears blurred my vision. Standing there, I got some response to my questions, as I watched Nkem completely at peace and oblivious to the world in her deep slumber. It suddenly dawned on me, that we all wanted Nkem to remain alive with us for all the selfish reasons. As far as she was concerned, she had accomplished her purpose and it was time for her to go home... Also, from somewhere in the recess of my grief-stricken mind, came the words I had once heard long ago: "It is those whom Heaven love that die young." I wiped my tears with the back of my hands and picked up my
186 Fourteen The Painful Finality of Death As I made my way back to the hospital, on the evening of that same day I arrived in Britain, I reminisced over the wonderful intimacy and friendship Nkem and I had shared. She had been my sister and soul mate for so long. What was I going to do without her strength and wisdom. It was so hard to believe it was all coming to an end. Nothing ever remains the same in life, I told myself grimly. People, places and even affections, change all the time in keeping with the laws of nature. They otherwise stagnate, as soon as they lose their dynamic nature, I said to myself, trying hard to find some reassurance in all that was going on around me. In spite of Nkem's remarkable success in demystifying death, the concept still held an awesome ring of finality for me. I was not only in the throes of a deep-seated depression, but was also experiencing the same agonising fear of the inevitable, which had pervaded my entire life, when I had waited to see or hear from Odibe. I would have given anything to have had Norman there with me! Nkem was awake in bed and had Julian cuddled close to her. It seemed as if the child had been crying and she was trying to soothe him to sleep. Jaiyesie and Nicol were also visiting at that moment. They were actually on the verge of leaving, when I walked into the room. Odili welcomed me with a warm smile and a friendly embrace and then introduced me to the others. We exchanged pleasantries for a brief moment, before they eventually left. Odili went out of the room with them, whilst I went up to the bed to give Julian a kiss on the forehead. "Did you notice how lean and hunted Odili looks?" Nkem asked, serenely, as I straightened up. "Yes, I did," I answered, quietly. In fact it was the aura of hopelessness around him that struck me most. It was as if it was he himself, who had been told he would soon be dying. "He is like someone standing on the edge of a precipice and expecting the earth to shift from underneath him any moment," she told me, as she gave an apt description to the private grief and foreboding Odili was 187 going through. "Please take Julian from me," she begged. "He's grown much too heavy for me, my arms are beginning to feel
I took the sleeping child away from her and gently laid him in a cot nearby. It was at about this moment that Nkem began to cough. It apparently wasn't anything alarming at first, but it soon began to cut off her air supply, as it turned violent and made her gasp for breath. I simply stood there transfixed and helpless, not quite knowing what to do, as she held on to my hand. I held her close and tried to give her support, as she took a deep breath. The action only seemed to trigger off another round of coughing. She was sweating profusely, as she literally fought for breath this time. "This only started this afternoon," she explained, between gasps. "Don't you think I'd better get the nurses," I asked, anxiously, as she
Nkem, who was panting with sheer exhaustion, simply held out her arms to her husband. He gently gathered her to himself and assisted the nurse in fixing the mask onto Nkem's face. She continued her desperate struggle for breath, with the little strength left in her (it was as if she was drowning and fighting to keep herself from going under). Odili (God bless him), shelved his own fears and soothed her into calming down and using the mask effectively. Two more nurses had come down to help their colleague, but after a short while, one of them hurried off to fetch the doctor. The first nurse had her finger on Nkem's pulse and it was obvious she was extremely weak. She started to say something and Odili put his ears close to her lips to catch her words. "She's asking for a priest," he said. "Send for the chaplain," the nurse said to her junior colleague, just as
"Easy now," he said soothingly to Nkem, as he examined her (she was much calmer by now, but still very fatigued). He conferred quietly 188 with the nurse and after a moment or two, some new medication was introduced to Nkem's drip. The doctor was about to ask us to wait outside whilst they attended to her, when the priest arrived. We were all about to go outside, but Nkem made it clear she wanted Odili to stay. She shook her head and held on to his hand. The priest and I stepped out to the corridor for a brief moment, whilst the nurses and the doctors attended to Nkem. The sympathetic elderly priest and I returned to the room when they were finished. We all stood in reverent silence, as he anointed Nkem with oil and said some prayers over her. He finally gave her the single piece of holy communion he had brought with him. Not too long after that, Nkem fell asleep. The doctor monitored her pulse for a moment and asked the nurse to call him as soon as anything changed. Nigeria seemed so far away in those moments, Julian hadn't stirred in all the confusion and continued to sleep peacefully. I was alone in the room, Odili had gone out with the doctor, to have a word with him. I sank into the only couch in the room and was completely engulfed in the eerie silence, which often follows a feverish set of activities. I got up again to use Nkem's toilet and returned to find Odili by Julian's cot. He was making sure the young fellow was comfortable and straightened up as I came in. "I can't thank you enough for caring so much Effua," he said. "It was really generous of you to come so soon." "Your telex message scared the hell out of me," I answered. " I didn't mean to frighten you, but I wasn't too sure she had much
"Thank you for coming so quickly," he repeated . "There's really nothing to thank me for; she is as much my concern as
"Jaiyesie's mother should be arriving tomorrow from Fernando-Po," he said, as he rubbed his eyes. "You ought to lie down on the couch Effua and get some rest." "I will, but not yet," I answered. "You look exhausted yourself. You
"I just can't stay away from Nkem. I feel so much better when I'm near her, or doing something for her. Let's say I find It therapeutic. I generally feel less neurotic and I delude myself into thinking I can keep 189 at bay or protect her from what must inevitably come to take place." He gave a short bitter laugh at the end of that and again said to me, "Effua go on, have a rest." I rose from where I had been sitting and found that my limbs were both stiff and cold. Odili got me some clean blankets and a pillow. He changed Julian's sleeping position, as the child stirred and again checked to see if his diaper was still dry. I soon settled down on the couch and watched him, as he went to take his seat again beside Nkem's bed. He brought out a New Testament Bible and began reading it. My heart went out to Odili in pity, as I watched him struggle to master his grief. "Help, help him dear Jesus!" I whispered, as I felt hot tears coursing down my cheeks.... I must have fallen asleep after that, because the next thing I knew, was that I was awakened by this awful commotion in the room! My heart was pounding wildly, as I stared at the nurses and doctors all around Nkem's bed. Her doctor was shouting out instructions and then I realised there was an electrocardiogram machine, attached to a resuscitation trolley, in the room; they were using a cardiac stimulator on Nkem, which meant she was having a cardiac distress. The shock waves they applied on her chest from the defibrillator, violently jerked her body, as they tried to resuscitate her. It was a most frightful sight and I was trembling violently. Odili simply gazed on, as if he was in a stupor. A third application of the shock waves eventually resuscitated Nkem. The doctor checked her drip and increased its flow, as the tension passed. The doctor watched her with concentration for a moment and answered: "No", when the duty nurse asked if she could wheel out the resuscitation trolley. He left, after giving the nurse some further instructions. After they had gone, I went up to ask Odili how it had all started. Nkem, he explained, had suddenly started going into spasms, the doctors and nurses had arrived just as her heart was about to fail. I sat down carefully, feeling totally numb. It was 4.00 am, according to the wall clock in the room. It is amazing how trivial things, such as the ticking of a clock, become objects of your attention in the middle of a deep crisis. 190 A nurse soon came in to take Nkem's vital signs and hurried out, saying she was returning soon. Julian came awake and began crying. Odili and I went to see what was wrong and the child reached out to his father. I noticed his diaper was wet and went to the closet to get a fresh one. Odili deftly changed him into it and rocked him in his arms, until he fell asleep again. I turned sharply, when I heard movements from Nkem's bed. She was fully awake and was beckoning on Odili. "Odili," I called, urgently, as I hurried to her bedside. She quietly indicated that she wanted to hold her child in her arms for a moment. Odili and I exchanged glances and then helped her to sit up. I propped her up against the pillows. She looked remarkably normal and smiled, as she said a soft "Thank you", to me. Odili, after a moment's thought, eased the sleeping child into her arm, but tenderly explained to her that she could only hold the child for a minute. We weren't at all sure we were doing the right thing, but she seemed so determined and appeared to have gained her strength back again. She smiled, as she looked at her sleeping child with affection and sighed softly, as she leaned down back against the pillows. Odili took the sleeping child from her and she let Julian go without a protest. "The ring is for Julian," she said, as she indicated at the beautiful, Onyx ring, Odili had given her after the birth of their child. "Keep it safe for him," she urged me. I nodded, with comprehension. "Thank you, Effua, for everything," she repeated. I nodded, smiling and told her that she had to rest. "It's such a long journey and I really need to rest. Where is Odili?"
"I'm right here darling," he answered from the other side of the bed, where he had been standing. "You've made me happy darling. I can't tell you how much," she said, as she turned to look at him, with just the same passion the old Nkem would have done. Odili simply swallowed hard without saying anything, as he complied with her request that he should hold her close. I moved away, as Odili cradled her frail body in his arms. She simply kept repeating over and over again, how wonderful he had been to her. Odili murmured tender words to her and gently tried to get her to sleep again. I stood by the window, looking on at the outside world. Morning had broken and my wrist-watch said it was six o'clock. I decided it would be 191 good to get a breath of fresh air and also leave Nkem and Odili on their own for a minute. I looked down at the ring that had just been entrusted to my care and vowed I would keep it safe. I put it in the pocket of my jacket and buttoned up my winter coat, as I prepared to go out for a stroll. I heard Nkem sigh softly and I moved over to where they were. Odili still had Nkem clasped to his bosom and I could see her face from where I was standing. He still rocked her gently and appeared to be at peace himself. Nkem, however, looked strange to me. "Odili, I think you had better put her down," I said, trying hard to control my rising agitation. Odili was slightly startled at the sound of my voice, but promptly began to re-adjust Nkem's position. "I don't like the way she's looking," I said and fighting hard to stem my rising agitation. Nkem had a most unnatural stillness about her! "Maybe we ought to get the nurse," Odili answered. My heart had again began pounding wildly! I furtively reached for
Sheer panic gripped me. Odili quickly caught my agitation and rammed his fist into the emergency bell by the bedside. Several feet came running into the room at once. The night sister was there. She ordered someone to get Doctor Simpson and asked two junior doctors, who were on the floor at that moment, to come in and help. The foot of Nkem's bed was raised, so that she was tilted back. The resuscitation trolley was again put into use. Doctor Simpson came rushing in after the second application of the defibrillator. He immediately took over and asked that the foot of the bed be dropped and the level of the shock waves be increased. The team made three desperate efforts to get Nkem's heart to beat again and after the fourth attempt, it became apparent that she was gone .... Julian woke up crying at that moment and one of the nurses took him out with her to the nurse's station for some milk and biscuits. I was simply riveted to the spot. The terrible panic that had earlier gripped me, had me completely ineffective. Suddenly, I had a terrible urge to ease myself; I nonetheless, remained immobile. "I'm terribly sorry," I heard the doctor say, before leaving the room, as the rest of the staff had done. They understood Odili's need to be alone 192 with his grief, at least for a while. Odili moved to Nkem's bedside with fixed eyes, after they were gone. He planted a kiss on her forehead and then sank on his knees and buried his head into her bosom, as great tearing sobs shook his frame, all six- foot-four of him. The terrible sight of Odili's grief-stricken figure, jolted me out of my own grief (It is indeed an awful thing to behold the naked grief of a grown man). I remembered my promise to Nkem, that I would see Odili through this period and so went up to hold him by the shoulders saying: "It's alright now Odili, it's all over, she is at peace at last. We should want that for her, because we love her." "But why now Effua? ... When we had just found die happiness we had been looking for. Why? Effua, why? Oh! Someone please tell me why?" He pleaded and buried his face into my skirt, as a second wave of grief overtook him. I silently stroked his temples, as I allowed him to weep. The tears would do him good, I thought to myself. They were healing tears and would literally wash away most of his pent-up grief. The scars and pain of losing Nkem would still remain, only time could dull that ache. The floodgate of tears kept coming on and on and soaked right through my skirt to my underwear. I just kept murmuring words of comfort to him, until the tears ceased, as abruptly as they had begun. I said a simple prayer out loud, after Odili had become fully composed again. I was convinced it was what Nkem would have wanted. I thanked God for the new peace Nkem had found with him and also prayed that he would supply Odili with the strength and courage to bear his loss. The prayer and moment of expressed grief, seemed to have done Odili a lot of good. For the first time in months, he appeared to have regained full control of himself again. He still had that aura of lonely grief and sadness around him, but the fear and hopelessness was now gone. He smiled at me whimsically, as we got off our knees saying: "Thank you, Effua!" "Thank you for everything, especially for allowing me the luxury of weeping openly and finding expression for my pain and fear." I simply smiled, without saying anything, and gave a soft sigh, as I squeezed his hand reassuringly. We then left the room and went along to the nurses station to collect Julian and arrange with Nkem's doctor and the matron, about conveying Nkem's body home to Nigeria. 193 We found Jaiyesie and her mother waiting for us at the end of the corridor. Nkem's aunt had only just arrived and had rushed down to the hospital. Jayesie was holding Julian. The minute they saw our faces, they knew what had happened. Odili put his arms around the two women, as they began sobbing. I was so tired, I could hardly feel my hands and legs anymore. I just wanted to crawl away and hide myself somewhere quiet, at least for a while. I couldn't even weep, for my emotions had mercifully become numb. I was just about to find myself a seat or a corner, where I could rest for a minute or two, when I saw two figures coming out of the lifts, in the other direction. One of them was Nicol (Jaiyesie's husband), and the other was Norman!!! I simply dissolved into tears of joy, relief and gratitude and many other pent-up emotions, as Norman comfortingly, took me in his arms. I was trembling all over and try as I could, I couldn't stop my teeth from chattering. I simply held on to him, with the little ounce of strength I had left. "It's alright darling! Easy now, you're going to be fine," Norman promised me soothingly. With one arm firmly around me, he walked back to where Odili was. "I'm sorry," he said to Odili in lbo. "It's so good of you to come," Odili answered. "At least I can be rest assured Effua is in good hands. She's been through a gruelling forty-eight hours. She could certainly do with some rest. Nicol, I wonder if you could take Aunty and Jaiyesie home and come back for me, after I've seen the doctor and arranged with him about taking Nkem's body home." Odili was in perfect control of himself and the situation. He assured Jaiyesie's mother that he was capable of coping on his own and that it was best they returned to the house, as Julian was becoming both hungry, restless and distraught. Norman took down their address and phone number at Brent Cross, before we left. He had a car waiting downstairs and gave the chauffeur the address of the Guardian guest house, as he helped me into the car. Silent tears rained down my cheeks and I didn't even know it. I was both physically and emotionally spent. Norman gently drew my head down unto his shoulders and wiped my tears. He pulled off his jacket and wrapped it around me, in the hope that 194 it would give me additional warmth and quell some of the trembling in my limbs. Yet, I kept shaking all over. We soon arrived at the guest house. Norman collected the key to my suite from the desk and made me lie on the bed, when we got upstairs. He pulled off my shoes and used a wet flannel to wipe my tear-streaked face. He ordered some food to be brought up to my room, but I couldn't eat a thing, when the food arrived. I however, managed to swallow some aspirin and a mild sedative, which we had collected from the hospital's pharmacy, with a chocolate drink, Norman made me drink. The hot drink made me feel relaxed and reassured... I soon settled down to sleep. I however came wide awake, when Norman got up from the bed to return the face towel to the bathroom. I held on tightly to his arm and refused to let him go. He therefore remained lying next to me, stroking my forehead and urging me to go to sleep. His comforting presence, eventually, made me do so and I slept for several hours. I woke up to find Norman looking down at me and it seemed as if he had been doing that for all of the several hours I had been asleep. For one moment, I wondered what he was doing there beside me. I wasn't even sure what time of the day it was. It looked dark outside through the parted curtains. I returned his smile, but as I glanced down at my rumpled skirt, it all came flooding back to me. "Are you feeling any better," he asked, tenderly, as he stroked my forehead. I simply nodded in response. My throat felt very dry and parched. Just at that moment, the phone by my bedside rang. I was violently startled by the shrill sound of its ringing and jumped. Norman caught me to himself and reached across to pick the phone. "Oh Odili!" I heard him say. He listened intently for a while and then said: "Hold on for a moment, I'll find out from her. He put his hand over the mouth piece of the receiver and said to me: "Odili wants to know if you would like to travel back to Nigeria with them tonight. He's arranged for a light freight aircraft to transport Nkem's body home. He and the others would be accompanying it home. I nodded my consent, as I disengaged myself from his embrace. It was a little past eight p.m. The plane was probably scheduled to leave in a couple of hours, I reckoned. "When is the plane leaving?" I asked Norman, when he had finished. "Midnight approximately," he answered, as he replaced the receiver
195 I had better start packing then, if I plan to join them. It's quite a long way to the airport." Norman packed my few belongings into my valise, whilst I had a quick bath. I changed into fresh clothing and folded the used ones into a carrier bag. "You look like the Effua I used to know," Norman teased, when I came out of the bathroom. "Oh," I said laconically with a faint smile, and bent down to buckle my shoes. "Do you think you can manage to eat some food before you leave?" He asked, with gentle concern, as he helped me get into my winter coat. I shook my head and pulled on my leather gloves. Norman then phoned for a mini-cab. In no time at all, it had arrived. We picked up my luggage and left the room. All the way to the airport, I felt very forlorn, as the reality of Nkem's death kept washing over me, over and over again. I felt so wretched, but tried not to let it show. I tried to follow what Norman was saying about returning to New York the following morning and then flying down to Nigeria for the funeral at the end of the week. His voice was soft and soothing and I was so very grateful he was there. I however wished I didn't have to make a response. He sensed the way I was feeling, and pulled me into the warmth of his arms. A big lump sat right in the middle of my throat and try as I could, I simply couldn't get it down. I only felt slightly relieved, when the warm tears came running down my cheeks. "It's alright my love," Norman consoled, as I hid my tear-stained and contorted face in his chest. I knew I looked awful when I cried, but I just couldn't help it any more. Norman allowed me to sob against his chest for a while and then pulled my face up to his. "Will you smile for me, Effua, just one teeny-weeny smile, for my sake. You look so sad, it's breaking my heart." "But I feel so awful Norman!" I said, choking, as a fresh flood of tears came running down my cheeks. "I know sweetheart, but remember, she's out of pain now. She is at peace and there is nothing new under the sun. We would all have to go some day. Yes, I know we would have loved to have her for a little while yet, but life isn't always what we expect it to be, and there is nothing a good laugh, or in this case, a teeny-weeny smile will not cure. So, 196 how about that smile?" he asked, coaxingly, as he smiled and looked searchingly into my eyes. I had stopped weeping, as I listened to his simple logic. Deep within me, I could sense and feel the strength of Norman's love. I felt he knew the depths of my pain and was willing me to edge away from the icy hands of grief. I sighed softly, as my face creased into a small smile. "Thanks for coming, Norman. Thank you very much," and I guessed
Norman responded by bending his head close to mine. He claimed my lips in a warm lingering kiss. It tasted salty, because of my tears, but it reassured me much more than mere words could ever have done. It told me every thing was alright between us again. The old rancour was forgotten and most important of all, our row hadn't succeeded in tearing us apart.... I knew Nkem approved and was happy for us. We found our way to the Nigeria Airways checking in counter, when we arrived at the airport. We spotted Jaiyesie and her mother the moment we came within sight of it. We also discovered Julian was there with Mama Nima and so was Nicol. Nicol and Norman got talking, whilst I went over to join the women. Odili, I understood, was putting finishing touches to our travel arrangements. Julian was strapped on to Mama Nima's back and was sleeping soundly. Poor Mama Nima for her part, was very red-eyed, and had cried herself hoarse. Jaiyesie's mother, carefully repositioned Julian's head. I found somewhere to sit just as Odili came striding down with another man, whom he introduced to us as a senior official of the airways and a friend. The man had obviously been instrumental in ensuring that Odili obtained an appropriate aircraft to convey Nkem's body home. I wondered what sums of money was involved in hiring an aircraft. It most certainly would have been a tidy sum, but Odili never considered costs, when a thing concerned Nkem. I knew he had several good friends on the board of directors of the Nigeria Airways, but he would have insisted on paying his way. Odili always did. The arrangement and decision to take Nkem's remains home promptly was both wise and convenient. We were driven to the tarmac on a Nigerian Airways Coaster bus. Nicol and Norman rode with us and Norman held me close, just before I boarded the plane. 197 "I'll be there for the funeral," he promised, softly. I nodded silently and went up the gangway. I heard Nicol also promise Odili he would be in Lagos for the funeral. He held Jaiyesie close and urged her to endeavour to be careful both for her own sake and the sake of their expected baby (she was five months pregnant with their third child). Odili warmly shook hands with the two men (who were returning to their different destinations the following morning: Switzerland in the case of Nicol and New York in Norman's case). Odili came up the gangway smartly and resolutely. He settled down into a window seat on his own. I sat beside Mama Nima, who whisperingly, recited the beads of the rosary in lbo for most of the time we travelled. Jaiyesie and her mother sat next to each other. The older woman stared out of the window dry-eyed, but nonetheless grief-stricken. An exhausted Jaiyesie slept for most of the journey, with her head cradled on her mother's shoulder. I also dozed fitfully and each time I came awake, I found Odili still silently engrossed in the pages of the New Testament Bible he was reading. Jaiyesie's mother too, never changed her position; she simply kept staring out of the window, in a vigil of silent grief. She had seen and known so much unhappiness. I wondered just what was going through her mind. I knew Odili had had very little sleep in those last 48 hours and I wondered for how much longer his body would take the tremendous strain that was being exerted on it. I silently prayed he would find the strength he needed to cope with the crisis. I went to sleep again, just as the hand of my wrist-watch crept up to 3 a.m. 198 Fifteen
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