A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation". Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name
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A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation". Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. "Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorise the loan, I know your manager". Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. "Sure, how about this" said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone". THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1. You believe in Santa Claus. 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3. You are Santa Claus. 4. You look like Santa Claus. A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining" he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said". Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course" he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!" There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw. Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in. The moral of this story the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy. CHECK OUT: LAST WEEKS ORSM UPDATE A man goes for a prostate exam. The proctologist is checking him out when he finds a roll of hundreds up the guy's arse. He pulls out the money and counts it. "You're not going to believe this but I've just found $1900 dollars up your arse!" "Hmmm" says the patient "That's why I haven't been feeling too grand" AN OBITUARY Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: -Knowing when to come in out of the rain; -Why the early bird gets the worm; -Life isn't always fair; -And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally lost the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death: -by his parents, Truth and Trust, -by his wife, Discretion, -by his daughter, Responsibility, -and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers: -I Know My Rights -I Want It Now -Someone Else Is To Blame -I'm A Victim - ay me for Doing Nothing Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star". Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked "What's your name?" The guy said "My name is Penis van Lesbian". The agent said "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name". "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old; I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever". The agent said "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you". "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... "Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name but I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke". A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns. 10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before. I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blowjobs and smoking weed. She was known as oral high Jean. THE SNOW(MAN) 8:00am - I made a snowman. 8:10am - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15am - So, I made a snow woman. 8:17am - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20am - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22am - The transgender ma.. wom.. person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25am - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28am - I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31am - The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa. 8:40am - The Police arrive saying someone has been offended. 8:42am - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43am - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45am - TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00am - I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10am - I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services. 9:29am - Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded. MORAL: There is no moral to this story. It's just a view of the world in which we live today, and it is only getting worse. There's a gang in this city who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join. But enough about the church... how's your day been? A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home. As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket. "Tennis ball" the man said. "Oh, that must be painful, she replied". "I had tennis elbow once!" I went into a shop the other day and everything was on shelves way too high for anyone to reach. It was an inconvenience store. A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. 'Could it be Andre Rieu?' he thinks to himself. He looks around but no one can be seen, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN, 1770- 1827". Then he realises that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says "He's decomposing". My grandpa always says "When one door closes, another opens". He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker. -- Paddy asks "Mick, how did you get on at the faith healer meeting last night?" Mick replies "He was absolute shit. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out!" First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nando's. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum. We ate white bread and real butter, milk from the cow, and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were OK! We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars. We did not have PlayStation's, Nintendo Wii , Xboxes- no video games at all. No Netflix, or even colour TV, no iPhones, computers, iPad's, no Internet or Facebook... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents. Only girls had pierced ears! Only bikies had tattoos! We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time. We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays, we rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's! Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that! Getting into the team was based on MERIT. Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating. We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education. Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like Neveah and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL ! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! Once upon a time, a man named Jim appeared in a village and announced to the peasants that he would buy blue parrots for $7 each. The peasants, knowing there were many parrots, went to the jungle and started catching parrots. Jim bought thousands at seven dollars each and, as supply started to diminish, the peasants stopped their effort. Jim announced that he would buy parrots at $20 each. This renewed the peasant's efforts and they started catching parrots again. Soon, the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $27 each and the supply of parrots became so scarce it was an effort to even find a parrot, let alone catch it! Jim now announced that he would buy parrots at $60 each! However, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. The assistant told the peasants "Look at all these parrots in the big cage that my employer has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 bucks and when my employer returns, you can sell them to him for $60!" The peasants rounded up all their savings and bought all the parrots for $500k!! Peasants never saw Jim or his assistant again, only lots and lots of parrots! And that ladies and gentlemen is pretty much how the stock market works. Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began? Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. A bit later the farmer's daughter prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the she returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested to the farmer that perhaps the man was thirsty after the food. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye" she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "WHAT?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him "I'm going to get you! You bastard! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLDLADEETOO-LAIDTHEOLDLADEETOO!" Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said "Well, I eat a lot of rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies". So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any rye bread?" She said "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said "I want five loaves". The sales lady said "My goodness... five loaves? By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard". The 80-year old man replied "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me". >> Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently, it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So, what's your story?" The first man replies "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally, I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell! But even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony". "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me" said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally, I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me to death! And now I'm here" Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this" says the third man "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." -- I have just been fired from my job with the 000 Emergency Call Centre. A guy called Abdul phoned and said "I'm depressed and lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come, so I can finally meet Allah". Apparently "Remain calm and stay on the line" was the wrong response. Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy!" Paddy replies "Okay Mick, I'll be on me way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face! "Shoite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He attempts another step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite! Shoite!!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air, he'll be fine. So, he belly-crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and... falls flat on his face! "Bi'Jesus... I'm pissed" he says. He can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!" He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and declares "I can make it to the bed!" He takes a step into the room and... falls flat on his face. Finally, Paddy falls into bed. The next morning his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up, Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says "I did, Mary. I was fookin' pissed.. But how did ye know?" "Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub". Download 23.05 Kb. Share with your friends:
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