I’ve got it let’s invade Iraq!
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- KIM KARDASHIAN POSES TOTALLY NUDE
- KIM KARDASHIAN TURNS HERSELF INSIDE-OUT ON DR. PHIL
- RUSH LIMBAUGH HITS KARL ROVE
- MAN WHO SAYS UNPLEASANT THINGS FOR MONEY SAYS SOMETHING UNPLEASANT ABOUT MAN WHO DESERVES TO HAVE UNPLEASANT THINGS SAID ABOUT HIM
- ONE-FOOTED MODEL RECREATES WONDERBRA AD
- ESKIMO CAN SING BASS, CONDUCTOR SAYS.
- CAN’T STAND PAT, NIXON SAYS.
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The Stupid 356 Project, Day 20: The World According to Arianna October 20th, 2010 
GOP CANDIDATE CAN’T SHAKE PUPPY GAS CHAMBER BILL HE SPONSORED Quick — how many times did you read that before you understood and/or believed it? Is the screen swimming before your eyes a little bit? Well, that’s news, according to Arianna Huffington. The socialite millionairess with the eternally unchanging epoxy hair style is, of course, an online media czar. Her creation, The Huffington Post, is an interesting cross between The National Enquirer, the Democratic Party National Committee’s daily talking points, and the red-carpet material Joan Rivers thinks better of. It’s supposed to be a news site, but the slag quotient is uniquely high. They seem to be going for “edgy” but they can’t tell it from absurd. KIM KARDASHIAN POSES TOTALLY NUDE. Whoa! Stop the car. First of all, why is anything Kim Kardashian does news? She could cover herself in mayonnaise, wrap herself in a tortilla, and offer herself up to feed the starving masses, and it wouldn’t make a dent in my day. Does anyone actually care what Kim Kardashian is up to? And if someone out there does care, do you think he or she is going to be surprised that Kim is posing not only nude but totally nude? I mean, isn’t that what she’s been leading up to through all these years of bad mascara and booty shots? Also, just a nit: are you actually nude if you’re not totally nude? I mean, “Nude except for a strategically placed kitchen sponge” is pretty nude, but it’s not actually, you know, nude. And what’s old Kim going to do top this? Do I have to look forward to KIM KARDASHIAN TURNS HERSELF INSIDE-OUT ON DR. PHIL? It’s enough to keep me in bed for weeks. ADRIANA LIMA RESPONDS TO GISELLE’S BREAST-FEEDING BELIEFS. Okay. I read it twice, and it still says that someone I’ve never heard of is “responding” to the “beliefs” (about breast-feeding — cool way to get “breast” in the headline) of someone whose last name is not provided. The very definition of news. I’m going to make a wild guess and say it’s not the Giselle the ballet is about. So that leaves me with the fact that no one in the world named Giselle is of any interest to me. And it’s unlikely that I’ll ever breast (teehee) feed. Pass. RUSH LIMBAUGH HITS KARL ROVE. That’s more like it. Short, to the point, even punchy. (Sorry.) There’s just this one little detail. It’s completely untrue. Here’s what happened: Rush Limbaugh, during an uncharacteristically clear-minded moment (probably ran out of Oxycontin), said something unpleasant about Karl Rove, who really does look like the Pillsbury doughboy. The accurate headline would have been MAN WHO SAYS UNPLEASANT THINGS FOR MONEY SAYS SOMETHING UNPLEASANT ABOUT MAN WHO DESERVES TO HAVE UNPLEASANT THINGS SAID ABOUT HIM. Or how about RUSH BITCH-SLAPS ROVE FOR PUBLIC BREAST-FEEDING. If you’re going to make up the news, at least make up something interesting. HANDLESS MODEL RECREATES WONDERBRA AD. I have to meet the person who wrote this. If the poor woman had stepped on a land mine, would the headline be ONE-FOOTED MODEL RECREATES WONDERBRA AD? If, oh, I don’t know, the Taliban disliked the way she ululated and cut out her uvula, would it read, UVULA-FREE WOMAN RECREATES WONDERBRA AD? Let’s face it: for this headline to make any sense at all, there’s only one thing the model could be missing (teehee). Not that I wish it on her. But, pleeease. It’s what we in the word biz call a non-sequitur. ESKIMO CAN SING BASS, CONDUCTOR SAYS. (I made that one up, but see what I mean?) REPUBLICAN HAS PET DOG. You can go on like this forever. Try though Arianna may, none of these can touch a real headline from the LA Times that I had taped to the door of my refrigerator until it disintegrated: CAN’T STAND PAT, NIXON SAYS. Now that’s a headline.
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