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- DOCTORS AND PATIENTS A PROBLEM OF SEMANTICS
- PLAYING DOCTORS and nurses
- POST OPERATIVE TRAUMA After the operation the patient awakened: “Doctor, did the operation succeed” “It did, but I’m not your doctor, but St. Peter.” GOOD NEWS
- A LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING
- TURNING ADVERISTY INTO GAIN
UNFAIR Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the Seniors' Center. "Well," - one said, - "Mary has just cremated her third husband." "Yeah, that’s the way it goes," - replied the other widow. "Some of us can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!"
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?" "Hold on a minute," - Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test". "Triple filter?" "That's right," - Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," - the man said, - "actually I just heard about it and ..." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary ..." "So," - Socrates continued, - "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," - concluded Socrates, - "if what you want to tell me is neither true, nor good, nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was screwing his wife. SIAMESE TWINS Siamese twins walked into a bar in Canada and parked themselves on a bar stool. One of them said to the bartender: "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tried to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to England next month," - said John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agreed. "Ah, England !" said the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...." "Nah, we don't like that British crap," said John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude." "So why keep going to England?" - asked the bartender. "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive." Absolutes: Nun: Someone whose mother was already a nun. Skinny: Someone who when he soaps his chest, his back froths. Extremely cold weather: When you have to burn even the family tree. Bad luck: To lock out the outside world and lose the key. Squint-eyed: Someone who, when he is cries, his tears flow on his back. Bowlegged: Someone who needs two basins to wash his feet in. Optimism: When a gay couple goes shopping for baby utensils. Faithful: Someone who doesn’t cheat on his lover even with his wife. Lazy husband: Someone who let’s others even make his children. Absent-minded husband: A man who on his wedding-night lays $100 on the bedside table. Absent-minded wife: A woman who replies that she usually gets $200. Nothing: A penknife without a hilt and blade. Patience: To read all the jokes in this book.
* If you think there's good in everyone, you haven't met everyone. * It doesn't matter whether you win or lose - until you lose. * Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. * The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. * If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. * The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. * The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. * Work is for people who don't know how to fish. * Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now. * If ever you feel an urge for working coming on, withdraw to a quiet corner and wait patiently until it passes. * Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you are an asshole. * God must love stupid people, he made so many. * If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? * I know what you're thinking and you should be ashamed of yourself. * We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. * Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. * Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. * A pessimist is an experienced optimist. * A man lived for 30 years in a house opposite the cemetery. Now he resides opposite his house. * If there would be 10 people like you, Earth would be a paradise. Trouble is, there are millions. * If you don’t go to other people’s funerals, they will not come to yours. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes: Use prophylactics! * If you paint the devil on the wall, the janitor will kick your ass. * If you smoke after sex, you are doing it too fast. * Question: “What is the difference between politeness and tact?” Answer:
“When a polite man opens the door on a bathing lady, he says ‘Excuse me, Madam!’ and backs out. When the same thing happens to a tactful man, he says ‘Excuse me, Sir!” DOCTORS AND PATIENTS A PROBLEM OF SEMANTICS The physician prescribed Mr. Smith some suppositories for his backache and ordered him to take them through his rectum. Mr. Smith was too embarrassed to ask what a rectum was, so he went home and asked his wife if they have a rectum. His wife too would not admit that she does not know what a rectum is and replied that they had one, but their neighbor had borrowed it. Mr. Smith grumbled a little about those damn neighbors who never return anything they borrow and then swallowed a suppository. It was not easy, but with a glass of water, he somehow managed to get it down. After about a fortnight when his backache did not improve, he went to see his doctor again. The physician found it odd, as the medicine he prescribed was a very potent one. He asked: “Tell me, Mr. Smith, how did you take those suppositories?” “I swallowed them, of course,” - answered the man angrily. “What the hell was I supposed to do, stuff them into my ass?” EFFECTIVE DIET Mr. Lee was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet: “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.” When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that's amazing!” - the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?” Mr. Lee nodded: “I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” “No, from skipping.” PLAYING DOCTORS and nurses The doorbell rang at the single parent doctor’s home. At the door was his next-door neighbor. The usually pleasantly disposed woman’s face was now beetle-red and she was screaming: “This is outrageous! Your son played doctors and nurses with my daughter. The child came home stark naked.” “But Judy dear, there’s nothing wrong in that. The kid just expressed his natural interest towards the other sex in a playful way.’ “Natural interest my ass! – the mother yelled. “He took out her appendix!” SPLIT PERSONALITY Two psychoanalysts met: “How are you doing?” - asked one. “Fabulously!” - replied his colleague. “I’m treating a schizoid.” “And what is so fabulous about that?” “Both pay their bills promptly.”
“Doctor, did the operation succeed?” “It did, but I’m not your doctor, but St. Peter.”
“Dear Doc, please tell me, how are my test results?” “I don’t want you to take it to heart, but they‘re very bad. First of all you have cancer, your blood pressure is extremely high and your EKG is far from good. But never mind, with that weak asthmatic lung of yours you won’t survive long anyway.” “Oh my God! Can you tell me anything positive?” “Oh yeah! I’ve some good news too.” The eyes of Aunt Jemima glistened hopefully: “And what is that sweetie?” “Yesterday my son was accepted to university.” A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP A physician’s wife whose lover used to visit her apartment every morning when her husband was away at the hospital noticed that every time they made love, the man consumed an apple with great relish. When she asked him about it, he laughed it off: “You know what they say sweetheart: ‘An apple a day, keeps the doctor away!’” A LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING Nurse Simpleton was quite dense, but the duty surgeon was so exhausted that after giving the nurse detailed instructions, he thought he could afford to get a little shuteye - until the next emergency. Hardly had his head touched the pillow, or so it seemed, when some awful screaming on the corridor outside his room, brought him to full alert. He opened the door and saw a frightened man, sans pants, running for his life, pursued by Nurse Simpleton, who was carrying a cauldron full of steaming hot water. Aghast the doctor shouted: “Come back, Miss Simpleton. What I instructed you to do was, to prick the patient’s boil!”
“I have some good news and some bad news for you.” “Let’s hear the good news.” “There is no need to amputate your left leg.” “This is good news indeed and what is the bad news?” “That it wasn’t necessary to amputate your right leg either.” AT THE HOSPITAL “Give us a kiss, Nurse! “I cannot.” “Just a small one.” “Impossible.” “But Nurse, just a tiny, little one.” “Please understand, I’m already breaking the regulations lying like this under you.” THE COAST IS FREE Two Dr. Greens lived in a certain apartment building. One was a dentist and the other a well-known ear, nose and throat specialist. One day, the doorbell rang at the dentist’s home. His wife opened the door and saw a handsome-looking, tall, dark-haired man. “Is the doctor at home?” – whispered the man hoarsely. The woman too replied in an undertone: “No, you can come in!”
“I am sorry, Sir, but you have syphilis.” “But I just slept with my wife and Mrs. Peabody,” - claimed the patient. “I really don’t care who you had intercourse with, I just state the facts.” He gave the patient the necessary medication and turned to his next case. A fortnight later, another man came in with similar chancres. The physician found that he too had contracted syphilis. This patient also claimed to have slept only with his wife and Mrs. Peabody. So it went for almost a year. Every month or so, another patient with syphilis turned up at the clinic and each man protested that he only had intercourse with his wife and Mrs. Peabody. One day, another middle-aged gent appeared with the usual symptoms. When the doctor diagnosed the same venereal disease, the man protested: “But I only slept with my wife!” “C’est la vie, Mr. Peabody,” - sighed the physician. THE TERMINATOR Using a model, the medical student was having an exam in childbirth. “That's enough!” – said suddenly the professor. “Now all you have to do is to bludgeon the father and you'll have succeeded in exterminating the whole family.” efficient deterrent A lady complained to her physician: “I’m so nervous that I’m unable to sleep. All night I pace up and down in my room. Can you prescribe me something?” “Before going to bed, scatter some drawing-pins around your bed.”
“Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't have to ask my patients all these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.” And then she smugly added: “Why can't you?” The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said: “There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to put you to sleep.” MIRACLE Recounted the middle-aged man to his colleague: “Listen to this. You know about my bad leg, I went to see the new physician whom everybody recommended and now I am walking again.” “Is he really so good?” “No, but while I was sitting in the waiting-room my car was stolen.” LAST WORDS An elderly man became very ill and a priest was called out to administer the last sacrament. All the family assembled around the bed, but before the priest could utter a word, the sick man suddenly started to rattle and using sign language asked to be given some paper and a writing utensil. The priest gave him a block of paper and a pen, the man with great effort scribbled something on it and visibly suffering, expired. Reverently, the priest put the paper into an envelope and sealed it. At the funeral, after a touching eulogy praising the virtues of the deceased, the priest said: “Dear mourners! During his last moments our brother wrote down a few lines, which I would like to read to you now.” He opened the envelope and started reading: “Father! You are standing on my oxygen bottle hose!” REAL PROFESSIONALS One night a man and a woman were both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They started talking and came to realize that they were both doctors. After about an hour, the man said to0the woman: “Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It’ll just be one night of fun.” The woman doctor agreed. They went back to her place and she took the man to the bedroom. She went to the bathroom and started scrubbing up like she was about to go into the operating room. She scrubbed for a good ten minutes. Finally she returned to the bedroom and they had sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man said to the woman: “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?” “Yeah, how did you know?” The man said: “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.” “Oh, that makes sense,” - said the woman. “You’re an anesthesiologist aren’t you?” “Yeah,” - said the man, a bit surprised. “How did you know?” “The woman answered: “Because I didn’t feel a thing.” MUTUAL TRUST The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual “This won't hurt a bit” routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm. “Miss,” – he said in a barely audible whisper, – “you have got hold of my testicles!” “Yes doc, I know,” – she smiled sweetly – “and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?”
“I have been trying to become pregnant for more than ten years, but I have not succeeded.” The physician gave the woman a thorough medical check-up and found absolutely nothing wrong with her. “Excuse me” - he said finally - “but how does your husband perform the sexual act?” “Always from behind,” - answered the patient. “Then if you truly want to have children, tell him to assume the frontal position.” “Then how shall I be able to watch TV?” - complained the woman.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: The doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor: 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?' The eye doctor responded: “I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynecologist.'“
“Accountants are the best to operate on, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.” The second surgeon said: “Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.” The third responded: “Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded.” The fourth interceded: “I like mechanics... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.” To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, said: “You’re all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest. There are no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and arse are interchangeable.” A MATTER OF HYGIENE A European tourist visiting the US walked into a drugstore. He looked around, then asked: “Excuse me, do you make feces and urine analyses?” “Yes Sir, of course we do.” “Then please, scrub your hands and prepare a ham and lettuce sandwich for me.” EMERGENCY The veterinarian had an exhausting day, but when he finally got home from tending to all those sick animals, his wife received him with a cool drink and a romantic, candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went to bed. At about 3:00 o’clock in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the vet?” – asked an elderly lady's voice. “Yes, it is”, – replied the vet, “Is it an emergency?” “Well, sort of”, – said the lady, – “some cats on my roof are making a terrible noise mating and I can't sleep. What can I do about it?” There was a half-minute pause, after which the vet patiently replied: “Open the window and tell them that they have a phone call.” “ And will that stop them?” – asked the elderly lady?” “It should,” – said the vet. “IT STOPPED ME!”
“And you are no good in bed either!” – and stormed out of the house. After a while he realized that he was nasty and decided to make amends. He rang up his home, but his wife answered the phone only after many rings. The husband became again irritated and asked: “What took you so long to answer the phone?” She answered: “I was in bed”. “In bed this late, doing what?” “Getting a second opinion” – she said.
Receptionist: “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.” Mr. Smith: “What do you mean?” Receptionist: “Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife.” Mr. Smith: “That’s bad and terrible! What am I supposed to do now?” Receptionist: “The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don’t fuck her.” WHO IS SPEAKING? A phone call was received at the obstetrician's office: “I need a doctor urgently” – said a frantic voice. “My wife is going to deliver any minute now. Her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” – the nurse asked. “No, you idiot!” – the man shouted. “This is her husband!” PROBLEM SOLVED The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. “Please, you have to come right over,” – pleaded the distraught young mother. “My child has swallowed a contraceptive.” The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. “You don't have to come over after all,” – the woman said with a sigh of relief. “My husband just found another one.” MAECENAS An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. “I have good news and bad news,” – the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.” “That’s wonderful!” – the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?” “The guy was your doctor.” TURNING ADVERISTY INTO GAIN A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying: “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?” The pharmacist said: “Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.” When she returned, she said: “We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car and $3000 a month living expenses”.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" – asked the doctor. "My local General Practitioner." "Your GP?" – scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?" "He told me to come and see you."
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" The lady said: "I want to kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason" - said the druggist. The lady then reached into her purse and pulled out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man was her husband and the lady the druggist's wife. The druggist looked at the photo and said: "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!" Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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