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ARRANGEMENT A depressed young New York blonde was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her and said: “Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and, if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added: “I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy.” The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, the captain discovered her. “What are you doing here?” – asked the captain. “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” - she explained. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. And well, he's also screwing me.” “He sure is, lady,” - said the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry!” FAKE REDHEAD A young redhead came into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible," – said the doctor. "Show me." She took her finger and pushed her elbow and screamed in agony. She pushed her knee and screamed, pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said: "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," – she said. "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so!" – the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelt the distinctive smell of paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He noticed that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He went over and asked her if she is ok. She replied yes. He asked what she was doing. She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women were dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asked her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said: “FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS”.
“I'm sorry”, – said the pharmacist, – “we don't have any.” “But I always get it here,” – said the blonde. “Do you have the container it comes in?” “Yes!” – said the blonde, – “I'll go home and get it.” She returned with the container. The pharmacist looked at it and said to her: “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.” Annoyed, the blonde snatched the container back and read out loud from the container: “TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.”
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected in our community and from reaching our full potential as people! Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize. The blonde interrupted him, yelling: "You stay out of this, asshole! I'm talking to that little shithead on your knee!" THE KNOW-IT-ALL ESTABLISHMENT Two blonde ladies stood before the orientation-map at a recently opened mall. One of the ladies pointed at the circle inscribed: ‘You are here!’ and asked her friend: “What I can’t understand is, how do they know where we are?” THE NOT SO DUMB BLONDE Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said: "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled: "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked: "What did she roll?" The other answered: "I don't know -- I thought you were watching." MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
"Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," - answered the blonde, - "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is that I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," - said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" - he demanded. ”I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!" "Yes, I know you did," - said the blonde, - "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World." Health risk Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself. Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Lady: "No, they spread!"
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped, looked skyward and said: "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied: "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK." JACK’S PHONE NUMBER Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about". Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5 of the user guide, it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
"Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replied: "Just a minute." "Thank you," – said the blonde and hung up.
"How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looked him over and replied: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink." BLIND Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile: "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned and replied: "No." Surprised, Luigi reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Luigi smiled and asked: "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said: "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Luigi reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Luigi fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again: "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear: "No, I Norwegian."
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture and said: "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth" So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," – he said – “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said: "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said: "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his f ace! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said: "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed: "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! "You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said: "This is probably a waste of time, but …” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying: "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing, or unusual about this man?" The blonde said: "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said: "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said: "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses." CUCKOO A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was: “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it: A) the condor B) the buzzard C) the cuckoo D) the vulture” The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her ask the audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it, because her Friend was, well, Blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.” The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer, except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not be convinced. “I need an answer,” - said Meredith. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said: “C: The cuckoo.” “Is that your final answer?” “Yes, that is my final answer.” And Meredith replied: “That answer is.... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!” Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,”- said the contestant. “How did you happen to know the right answer?” “Oh, come on,” - said the blonde – “everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.”
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves. “Helllooooo, (I told him). It's been a year"! There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore. IN SLOW MOTION An old, blind cowboy wandered into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He found his way to a bar stool and ordered some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yelled to the waiter: “Hey, you wanna hear a terrific blonde joke?” The bar immediately fell absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him said: “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?” The blind cowboy thought for a second, shook his head, and muttered: “No...not, if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.” PAINTING THE PORCH A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. “Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” - he said. “How much will you charge me?” Delighted, the girl quickly responded: “How about $50?” The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband: “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house.” He responded: “That's a bit cynical, isn't it?” The wife replied: “You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.” Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You're finished already?” - the startled husband asked. “Yes, - the blonde replied, - and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip. “And by the way,” - the blonde added,- “it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.”
"Someone in this Congregation has spread a rumor, that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community can't tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family." No one moved. The preacher continued: "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke: "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde, if she was going to go with them. "No way", - the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say: "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through". So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said:
The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer said: "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said: "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that all Scotsmen who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied: "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"
* Question: “How do you know that the blonde had an orgasm?” Answer:
“She dropped her nail-file.” * Question: “Which were the hardest six years in the blonde’s life?” Answer:
“The fifth class.” * Question: “Why does a blonde stand with closed eyes before the mirror?” Answer:
“She wants to watch herself sleeping.” * Question: “Why doesn’t a blonde use a vibrator?” Answer:
“It would kick out her teeth.” * Question: “Why doesn’t the blonde take anti-baby pills?” Answer:
“They keep falling out.” BOYS AND GIRLS HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, attend, fascinate, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, calm, respect, entertain, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, enchant, flabbergast, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack and do it again. Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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