Guide to understanding, appreciating, and getting along with newly observant Jews

Fear/Awe: The Basic Concept

The Book of [Mitzvah] Education (Sefer HaChinuch), mitzvah 212, states that this means “to have a reverent fear of parents; that is to say that a person should behave toward his mother and father the way he would behave toward someone before whom he stands in awe… and what is this behavior? Not to sit in his place, not to speak in his place, and not to contradict his words…. How far should this reverence of one’s father and mother be extended? Even if they hit him and spit in his face, he should not shame them (nevertheless, our Sages have commanded that a man should not hit his grown child…) … even if a father or mother becomes deranged, a child should try to behave respectfully with them according to their understanding. But if they become excessively deranged, one may leave them and direct others to care for them as is appropriate…

“Additionally, our Sages teach that if parents command one to transgress the words of the Torah, or even the decrees of our Sages, they are not to be listened to…

“This mitzvah applies in every place and every time, for both man and woman… if a father renounces his right to respect, the respect due him is thus nullified.”

The additional lesson:

We see from the above that the requirement of reverent respect extends very far, even to abusive parents, but it ends where a parent requests or demands a child to transgress Jewish law. That does not mean that the child is exempt from showing respect once a request to break a law is made; respect must still be shown even in their refusal to grant the request or to meet the demand of the parent.

There is, however, no requirement for a child to love or even to be social with a parent. That is a byproduct of a positive relationship and cannot be mandated. What is required is respectful behavior as well as caretaking behavior. A child may respectfully withdraw from a negative or harmful relationship, but a child must still see to his parents’ needs, to the best of his ability.

Hopefully, the guidance in this book will help parents and children avoid the situation in which a child will feel the need to withdraw. But even more than that, hopefully parents and children will be able to create and maintain relationships that are in general joyful and a source of strength and comfort to them both.

As Aliza grew in her observance, I began to notice the ways in which she was honoring me. She stands to greet me when I first enter the room in the morning. She is quick to serve me at the table, bring me a hot drink or water. She cheerfully makes special food for me when I am on restricted diets. She does not contradict me when we engage in discussions, even ones in which we have disagreements.

For the first ten years, my visits to her home were to help her with babies and toddlers, with a move to a house, and with organization in the house. I was so used to helping her that it took me a while to notice this shift of how much she was now serving me. It also took me a while to be comfortable with it. “No, no, don’t get up, I can get my own tea,” I would say. “Let me get it for you,” she would answer.

In fact, as I read what she has written, I now understand this on a deeper level. This so often happens as I continue learning more about Judaism. There are so many levels of meaning and ways of understanding the impact and import of each behavior. It is endlessly fascinating. What a great place for growing together.

Helpful book: After the Return, by Rabbi Mordechai Becher

Chapter 15

The Rabbi and Teacher as Ally

by Aliza

In the first chapter of Pirkei Avot (Ethics of Our Fathers) 1:6, it says, “Make for yourself a rabbi, acquire a friend, and judge everyone to the side of merit.” This is not considered just a nice thing to do, but rather a requirement for the proper functioning of an observant Jew.

A person needs a rabbi (a teacher) to educate, guide, prod, and correct them in their life-long growth process. It is important to have a relationship with an authority figure who is familiar with you, your history, and your potential so that they can keep expectations realistic and offer education and guidance that is appropriate.

A friend also serves an important role in the growth process but has a different function. A friend is a peer, often someone who is more involved in a person’s life on a day to day basis than is a teacher. A friend can be a sounding board, a support, and a companion on the journey. A friend gives but also needs, and so provides the opportunity to give to them as well.

The relationship with both rabbi and friend can become very close, close enough that it is prone to faultfinding and criticism. That is why the requirement to establish those important relationships is immediately followed by the requirement to judge everyone favorably.

It is important that your child have a guide and Jewish legal (halachic) authority in their life. Not only can that person keep them on track, they can give them direction and even rebuke when necessary.

Here is an important secret: your child’s rabbi can be your ally. I don’t mean this narrowly, that if you choose to follow your child’s path, your child’s rabbi can help you along too. I mean right now, if you get to know your child’s rabbi and/or principle teacher (for some women, this may be a rebbitzen, or rabbi’s wife), you will have an ally in understanding and dealing with your child.

A common phenomenon among many newly observant Jews is that the depth of their commitment grows faster than the depth of their knowledge. This can lead to excessive stringency and rigidity as the newly observant person tries to avoid crossing lines when they are not even sure of where the lines are. You may already be familiar with the extra tension that can stem from this.

When you encourage a relationship with a rabbi, you bring into the equation a voice of authority and reason to whom you can both turn. If your child is maintaining a position that seems unreasonable, or is doing something that seems extreme or detrimental, have them check in with their rabbi to clarify their understanding. It may be important for you to talk with the rabbi yourself, as questions can be asked in many different ways, and that, of course, can lead to very different answers.

As the Jewish High Holidays approached, I knew that my son would miss several days of college. We live in Colorado, so many of the professors are not familiar with Orthodox students having to miss days of school for religious reasons. My son had a test scheduled for one of the days he would miss, so I advised him to ask his teacher if he could take it early. When he came home and reported that his teacher denied his request, I asked him how he asked the question.

“I just said, ‘Can I take my test early?’ and she said, ‘No.’”

“Excuse me, Professor… I will be missing several days of school over the next few weeks due to the Jewish holidays. I’ll be sorry to miss your classes, but because of various religious restrictions, I will have to. I see from the syllabus that there is a test scheduled on one of those days. Is there any way I could arrange to take that test early so that I won’t miss it?”

It’s easy to see how providing context and more information changes the tenor of the above question. The same is true when consulting a rabbi. “Can I spend Shabbat in a non-kosher hotel in the Bahamas?” is very different from, “My grandparents are celebrating their fiftieth anniversary, and the entire family is gathering in a hotel in the Bahamas for the weekend. It’s really important to my parents that I join them. How can I go?”

My mother understood how helpful consulting a rabbi could be, and she advised me to do so when we ran into this tricky situation.

During one of her visits to our home in Long Beach, she told me that she was so excited because one of her friends had told her about a wonderful place in Manhattan to buy statues of Quan Yin, a Chinese “goddess” of compassion. She used these statues when creating altars and in her “sacred space” design. She was looking forward to going into the city to purchase several.

My heart sank. I knew statues of any kind of god or goddess were strictly off-limits for Jews, and even for non-Jews. I knew the rule was strict, not even allowing any use or benefit from an item used in the service of idols, and sometimes requiring the destruction of the idol, but I had never learned any details of how the law applies. My mother was so excited. I wanted her to be happy, but I didn’t want to transgress a Torah prohibition by allowing an idol on our property.

I told her about my dilemma and asked her if she could mail them to her home directly from Manhattan after she bought them so that she wouldn’t have to bring them to my home first. She hesitated and explained that she was buying delicate porcelain statues, and she was worried about how they’d arrive in the mail. She planned to carry them on the plane with her to keep them safe.

Thinking about the laws of Passover, I wondered if I could sell our guest room to her, and possibly our car, so that she would be storing the statues and transporting them in her property, not ours. She thought about taking them to a non-Jewish neighbor when she returned from the city, but then there was still the problem of how to take them to the airport. We talked about it over several days and couldn’t figure out what to do.

The day came when she was going into the city and we still didn’t know what to do. Finally, she said, “Why don’t you call your rabbi and ask him.” Of course, why didn’t I think of that? I called Rabbi Moshe Dov Stein, of blessed memory, the rabbi to whom my husband and I turned to answer our most difficult questions. I explained the entire situation and asked him what I should do when my mother returned from Manhattan. He asked enough questions to be sure of the details and then told me, “It is not your business what your mother buys, and you should not ask her!”

When my mother returned from Manhattan, she stepped gingerly into the house and asked, “Did you reach your rabbi? What did he say?”

I told her emphatically, “It’s not my business what you buy, and I should not ask you!”

“Okay then,” she said.

“Okay then,” I replied.

I made myself scarce while she brought in her packages. We both learned that it pays to ask.