Guide to understanding, appreciating, and getting along with newly observant Jews
Debbie’s mother: “Here they come, remember to call them Shlomo and Devorah…”
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Debbie’s mother: “Here they come, remember to call them Shlomo and Devorah…”Scott’s father: “I will not, I named him Scott because I like that name.” Meanwhile in the parked car, Shlomo and Devorah prepare themselves for entering the house. Devorah: “Are you sure we have to go in? It’s so hard being around my family.” Shlomo: “I know, but it’s important. We need to honor our parents however we can while still sticking to the halachah.” Devorah: “That’s what is so hard. My parents see my observance as a rebellion or abandonment. To them, I’m just doing something foolish, wasting my time.” Shlomo: “I wish they could see that being more observant is not forsaking them, that we are actually embracing our family at the roots. Wouldn’t it be great if they could understand how connected we feel to our great-grandparents?” Devorah: “It sure would. I wish my great-Bubby, Sarah Malka, was still with us. She would be so thrilled to know I plan to cover my hair as a married woman. She would understand why I made the dessert in my kitchen. I even made the rugulach from one of her recipes. My grandmother remembered it and gave it to me; she treated it like one of the family heirlooms.” Shlomo: “Well I’d like my great-Zaydie, Moshe Yisroel, to be here tonight to stick up for me. He studied Talmud every day before work and carefully kept Shabbat. My father and grandfather held up his example when they were pushing me to study for my bar mitzvah. Then it was important to them. Why not now? It seems so hypocritical to me. ‘Just study enough to get through the bar mitzvah and then do what every other Jew does: forget it.’ Well I am not planning on forgetting it. I want to learn more and more. To me, Torah is even more complex and exciting than nuclear physics, I never want to stop learning.” Devorah: “I so wish your father didn’t feel like your MIT education was wasted because you’re learning in yeshivah and becoming observant. If he only could see how much you value it and that you use what you have learned to understand Judaism better.” Shlomo: “Isn’t it ironic that they think we are so far off the deep end, when we are just trying to live the same way our great-grandparents, and every generation before them, lived. I wish they could see that it is they who have gone off the deep end—into assimilation and a very secular worldview.” Devorah: “I’m afraid we won’t get anywhere with that argument. Maybe over time, as they see us happily married, G-d willing, and living a good life, they will appreciate that this is a healthy path for us.” Shlomo: “At least we’re not into some of the things our cousins are doing, like piercing our eyebrows and tongues, or barhopping and waking up next to a new face several times a week, or living on a commune. It just seems so weird that they’d almost be happier with us if we were.” Devorah: “Well, even if we can’t make them happy, at least, we can be respectful.” Shlomo: “Right, let’s go inside.” Chapter 2 The Big Questions Many questions come to mind when we learn that one of our children or a close friend or even a parent has decided to become more observant. Sometimes they tell us directly. Often we notice through changes in behavior. We wonder why they have made this decision, and if they really understand what it means. Some people feel dismayed as the ramifications of the change become more apparent. Some people wonder:
One of the qualities of Judaism, which is a redeeming feature as well as a frustration, is that there are many answers to just about every question. And sometimes there are just more questions. In this chapter, we provide some possible short answers, and give you room to add more from other sources. Additional questions, answers, and more questions will also be presented in other chapters. |