What kinds of changes would we have to make to stay connected?

What kinds of changes would we have to make to stay connected?

Change? Me? Oy Vey!!

What motivates us? What makes it worth it? What is our capacity for change? As we go through life, these questions confront us over and over. What changes did we make when we married? When our spouse was ill? When we left a job or a city?

Change is intrinsic to life. We have a head start if love for our children and a desire for shalom, wholeness, in the family is what motivates us. We can make changes in our environment and our attitudes. These changes can help support better connections within the family. Part II offers very specific suggestions for these kinds of changes.

The most helpful changes are internal ones. These are often the hardest to make. We can easily see what needs changing in others. If only they would listen to what we are telling them. If only they would stop being so argumentative. If they would pay more attention to their children, save their money, clean up their house, and on it goes. It is very hard to accept that we cannot change these things. It’s like talking louder to someone who doesn’t know our language, assuming that somehow volume will make up for lack of comprehension. In that same way, we may keep harping on changes we want others to make, thinking that our insistence will effect the change.

When I pay attention to what annoys me about my children’s or grandchildren’s behavior, I often find it is something I also do that I wish I didn’t. It is hard to admit this to myself, let alone anyone else. I usually don’t get it when it is happening. When I reflect on the times I was upset at others and look at myself honestly, I see ways I have done a variation on the same theme. After a few times of this happening, I develop more compassion for them, and hopefully for myself.

Sometimes we get irritated about rooms that do not match our idea of perfection. Looking in a child’s room might spark this. Being in someone else’s kitchen and seeing messes and dirty dishes can spark this. I used to have a very difficult time when my daughter’s kitchen was a mess from end to end. Every counter was full of dishes, food that was just left out by whoever used it, papers, and bags. Perhaps you can imagine it. My daughter loves a clean kitchen, but the flow of family through the room changes it in minutes. I used to spend my time cleaning it up only to find a mess moments later.

It’s easier to change our attitude when we “change our altitude.” On one visit, I took a higher view of my daughter’s kitchen. I realized she could cook a whole dinner and bake bread right over the top of the mess. I also realized if she cleaned it first, she wouldn’t have the time to bake the bread or cookies. I appreciated her talent in a new way. I saw that to function in her kitchen given the way things happened in the house, she needed that skill, and she had it. Gradually, on successive visits, I was less upset by the kitchen. I learned to walk through without stopping to tidy it. I was more purposeful when I did work on the kitchen, and I felt less annoyed by it. The kitchen didn’t change. I did. I had a new view. And I’m thankful.

Defensiveness, guilt, shame, the expectation of perfection, anger, feeling judged or judging, and fear are all obstacles to maintaining loving connections with ourselves as well as others.

What is the impact of their decision on our resources?

This may be a strong underlying question and fear. If we are connected to our children and friends, there is always an impact on our resources. It affects our time, energy, and money, no matter what decisions they make. It seems so much harder when their values are not aligned with our own. We might resent giving to them, especially if we don’t agree with how they are using, or “wasting,” their resources.

We need to be flexible over the years as all of our circumstances change. Giving and receiving are vital aspects of good relationships. We need to both give and receive in the areas of emotional and intellectual support, gifts, financial help, and time and energy with grandchildren. We can be creative in finding ways to receive from our children, as well developing a variety of ways to give to them. Accepting who they are is a priceless gift to them. Their acceptance of who we are is a priceless gift to us.

How much room do we have for others, especially our children, to ask questions and reach different conclusions from the ones we have accepted for ourselves?

David and Rebecca have three sons. One is quite religious, one took over the family business and studies weekly with a rabbi, and the other has no interest in religion. When the third one married a French woman who also had no interest in religion, the rest of the family was upset. They felt they were losing their son. They wondered if they should even go to the wedding. It felt so foreign to them.

After some soul searching about what they really wanted for their family, they decided to go. He was their son; they loved him. At the wedding, friends spoke about the couple with such pleasure and joy and respect. David and Rebecca and the brothers learned new things about the groom. They saw how his friends valued him, and how he helped them. They could feel the love in the room. They stayed open to him and his new wife. There were things they felt they could learn about them and from them. Their openness paid off. They also knew their son would continue to grow and change in his own life. Feeling the love from his family meant a great deal to him. This is a story with many more chapters to be written. The theme will be growth through acceptance.

The religious and political views of one of my relatives were at the opposite end of the spectrum from mine. We began a heated discussion one day, and I felt myself becoming defensive and emotional. I caught it and made an internal decision to listen deeply and learn what I could about this person as well as their view of the difficult issue. I do not expose myself to this kind of thinking among my friends, I realized. Perhaps I could risk learning something new.

By the end of the conversation, I had been able to take in much more of the information, because I wasn’t blocking it with my defensive responses. I later realized that, while I did not change my mind about how I felt on the issue, I had changed. I felt a more loving connection with the person; I realized our differences didn’t have to separate us. I had a better understanding of why people found that position attractive. I had more compassion for others with that view. I felt lighter and yet enlarged. I could hold more options and hopefully see new possibilities.

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