Batman returns

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Written By:

Brandon Noel Keith


We watch a newspaper boy trying to sell his newspapers.

NEWS-BOY: Today's issue! Read about the penguin man! Living in the sewers!

Alfred walks by carrying groceries.

NEWS-BOY: Hey, old man... missing link between man and bird.

ALFRED: My dear boy, sometimes it's retarded to read such trash. Most of the time, it's a WASTE of time.

Alfred walk away, and the newspaper boy kicks him in the ass. Alfred falls face first into his groceries. The boy now goes back, and sells one to a prostitute.

We watch Alfred stare down into a sewer pipe, where he thinks he might of saw a glimpse of two deformed hands.


As Alfred picks himself up, from afar... a massive crowd stand before a stage of several men.

MAYOR: (at the podium) Merry Christmas to you all. We have with us today a man who really needs no introduction. Please welcome, Gotham's own Santa Clause, Max Shreck.

Everyone applaudes as Max throws out a present into the crowd. He throws out another, and then another. A sound of glass breaking...

MAN: (unseen) Ohh, my EYE!

Max steps up to the podium and looks around for something. He now turns to his son Chip.

MAX: (quietly) I forgot my speech. Remind me to take it out on, what's her ass.

Chip nods, and Max clears his throat.

MAX: (into microphone) Santa Clause... 'fraid not. I'm just a poor schmoe... who got lucky. And sue me... if I wanna' give some back.

We cut away from within the sewer cap. Two deformed hands hold a watch.

PENGUIN: (whispery) Oh, but you can. Oh, but you will!

We cut back to the stage where everyone turns their eyes to a giant present wheeling itself up to a railing. Pinning the newspaper boy.

NEWS-BOY: Huron!

A short pause. Suddenly the top BLOWS out and several sadistic clowns and other mad men fly through the air. Causing havoc of all kinds.

Not far away, we watch a geeky woman look through papers and such. Selina Kyle is her name. A motorcycle skull-thug runs by and knocks the stuff out of her arms. She screams.

A big rough guy throws a wheel-chair bound old woman against the front of a police car.


Gordon, in the passenger's seat, quickly picks up a communicator.

GORDON: What are you waiting for? The signal!


Suddenly several bat signals begin to shine about.


Bruce Wayne is reading a book called "RoboPlop", when suddenly the bat signal shines bright against him. Bruce gets up and walks towards the window. A dramatic moment.


A clown gang jumps on a helpless gang. A fire blowing devil sets a fire hydrant aflame.

We cut to a lone road, where the batmobile speeds past us, heading around a wide corner.


Batman looks pissed.


The batmobile passes two skull-thugs. Off the side, two darts are shot... right through their femurs. The two fall down in serious pain.

Now the Batmobile slams two clowns into it's front... sending them several feet away into a baby store.


Batman stares at the fire blowing devil, now he presses a switch.


The batmobile turns around via carLifty. It rushes back down the way it came, setting the fire blower aflame. This devil runs into a glass wall, screaming. The glass fall kills him instantly.

As Selina Kyle, just now runs up to her fallen pair of glasses... the Batmobile rushes up to her, now stopping. A nearby clown takes a-hold of her, and Batman gets out, walking towards them.

CLOWN: (weilding hot dog) Take one step closer mister Batman and... YAAH!

Batman's eyes thin. He now pulls out his grappeling gun and pulls the trigger. The grappeling breaks through the clown's eye, tearing out a chunk of his brain. A short pause.

CLOWN: Haha! You, missed!

Batman pulls the grappeling his way, smacking the clown in back of the head as it comes out. Selina screams, as her snatcher falls dead.

SELINA: Wow. THE Batman. Or is it just, Batman?

Batman turns around, strutting away.

BATMAN: (mumbeling to himself) Dumb bitch! Bound to dump me like all the others!

Selina stares down at the clown.


Batman walks down a path. Gordon follows him, just above.

GORDON: Thanks for saving the day Batman. I'm afraid the circus gang is back.

BATMAN: We'll see.

GORDON: Hey, yah gonna' just leave your car?

Batman stops. An awkward pause as Gordon waits for a reply. Suddenly Batman turns his way, walking back past him... still strutting in anger.

BATMAN: (mumbeling to himself) Dumb bastard, tell me what tah, do!

Gordon goes about his business.


Max Shreck is running down this dark alley. Then he stops.


Just below, we watch the Penguin waddle towards a secret latch, just as he drops an umbrella.


Max falls below into the sewer.

MAX: Oy! What are the odds?!


We pan down, watching Max look about the lair. Several clown thugs eat dinner, as the Penguin feeds his penguins.

PENGUIN: (to Max- waving) Hi!

MAX: Good grief it's true! Penguin man, of the sewer.

PENGUIN: (walking over to his umbrella collection) Yes, and odd as it may seem Max... we're not so different you and I. We're both precieved as monsters.

MAX: Frankly, I feel that's a bum ram. I'm a business dude. Tough, yes. Shrude Shreck, okay. But that does not make me a crotch mongler.

PENGUIN: I said monster.

The Penguin smacks Shreck across the face with his sword umbrella.

PENGUIN: Now you're going to help me. I want to emerge, yah hear me?! EMERGE! YAAAAAHHH!!

MAX: (holding left temple in pain) Okay, okay! I'll help you!

A short pause. The Penguin grins.


Selina Kyle is boning up on one of Shreck's meetings, when Shreck comes up behind her to bone her.

MAX: Working late?

SELINA: No, I'm just...

MAX: (interrupting) What did, stupidity do, to the cat?

SELINA: I'm, no cat. I'm just a ball sniffer.

MAX: (backing her up slowly into window) And a very good one.

SELINA: Too good?

MAX: Meh.

SELINA: Listen, fire me if you want. Bully me if it makes you feel good. It's not as if you can just kill me!

MAX: Actually, it's a lot like that. My shoe department, is gonna' kick ass. It's my legacy, it's what I leave behind... for my son Chip. Nothing, must prevent that.

Max pushes Selina out the window.


She falls to certain doom, when several cats suddenly begin to appear. They create a net, and catch her.


Batman strolls around one rooftop, looking down on certain sections of Gotham. Suddenly, a flash of something on the next roof over.

Batman pulls out his grappel-hang gun and shoots it out towards one of the walls. Now we watch as he glide-hangs from his roof to the next. He enters the door, not noticing the Oompa Loompa mugging just a few feet away.


Batman looks around... nothing around. He turns left then gets slashed across the face.


CATWOMAN: I am Catwoman... hear me meow!

Now this chick kicks Batman twice in the gut, then roundhouse kicks him in the head. Countering that, Batman turns around and smacks this feline to the ground.

CATWOMAN: How could you?! I'm a WOMAN!

BATMAN: I'm sorry, I...

Catwoman sinks her claws into Batman's side.

BATMAN: OOMPH! Yeeeh...!

Batman head butts Catwoman across the way, then kicks her square in the ass off the roof. She swings along the lines, climbing to the next tower over. Safe for now.

CATWOMAN: (to herself) That baTsard.

Batman spreads his cape and glides off the roof.


Catwoman watches from above, and just below... Batman is singing to a couple of homeless children on one knee. Suddenly the Penguin arrives, heading around her in a mayor's out fit. He hands her a glass of kitty balls wine.

CATWOMAN: You said Shreck was just gonna' scare me.

PENGUIN: I heard you looked pretty scared! Ahuu huu! (staring into her eyes) Now that the batman is falling ever closer into my trap, what do you say we connect a little further?

CATWOMAN: (disgusted) What are you talking about?

PENGUIN: It's dark, in the sewer lair... I'm bushed. So you come in... licking your tender lips. My slippers in one hand, a dry rat's dic...

CATWOMAN: Don't Penguin!

PENGUIN: Gaaah! (throws glass down) Yah lousy mynx! I oughta have you spade! You sent out all the singles! And I don't think I like you anymore!

Catwoman gets alert, but the Penguin pulls out his umbrella and wraps the handle around her neck. He sends it up and she finds herself stuck. Batman looks up, but then goes putZ... and falls face first on a puddle. Like a drunk fool, drowning in his saliva.

PENGUIN: (to Catwoman) Goodbye, my unintended! Go to Heaven!

Now Catwoman seems to be getting loose of this umbrella, and does. Yet she falls through a glass ceiling.


She looks around, then screams. Realizing she's in a rapist prison.


All the top people in Gotham are having a ho-down, including Bruce Wayne, who stands over by the liquor machine. He's putting in several nickels... when suddenly Selina Kyle walks up to him and starts kissing him.

BRUCE: Hey baby? So, you work for Shreck, eh?

They continue to kiss.

Suddenly flash cut away to see Bruce was day dreaming. Ah yes, but where did that lipstick come from on the side of his cheek? His eyes shifted about, thinning. Determined to find the sexy culprit, and then bring her to justice. But who could committ such a crime of lust, eroctic...

Then Bruce watches a fat little boy walking out of the bathroom with lipstick on... he shakes about. His fat cheeks are just like jello.

A short pause, Bruce begins to walk toward Max who stands with his son Chip. Suddenly the glass disco flooring tears apart! The Penguin ascends in a rubber ducky tank of a vehicle.

PENGUIN: You didn't invite me... so I crashed!

The Penguin leaves the vehicle pulling out his machine gun umbrella. Bruce ducks behind the trash bin, not wanting to get capped in the ass.

PENGUIN: (cont.) I've personally come, for Gotham's favorite son... Mr. Chip Shreck!

MAX: No! Not Chip! Take me!

CHIP: Dad, don't!

MAX: Oh come on Penguin, it's me you want remember?

PENGUIN: No but, I think I'll take you both now!

Penguin fires into the ceiling, bringing down a fanlight which descends quickly atop Chip's head. The Penguin glances down at his own stupidity, then aims the umbrella at Max again.

PENGUIN: (conc.) In the duck! Waa, haarr!

Max obeys, crying like a little bitch. The Penguin gets in too, and they descend into the sewers. We pan around, to behind the trash bin... where Bruce Wayne no longer lies!

Oh yes, it does seem Bruce maybe ran off a secret path, to get disguised as BATMAN! He'd better hurry if he's gonna' catch the Penguin and...

We pan over just four feet to see Bruce is back at the liquor machine.


The Penguin has put Max in a big cage.

MAX: What are you going to do with me?

PENGUIN: Bat bait. Nothing more. Once Batman is off the scene, I'll be able to take Gotham by storm. One by one, I'll snatch all their children with my bare flippers and...

MAX: You monster!

PENGUIN: Shut up! I'm not finished. Okay, now like I was saying... I take them all with my flippers and then start a game of ring around the rosie! Ahhaaa! Ahhaaa! HAAA!

MAX: Ingenious plan. I think, I may be able to help you out.

PENGUIN: Can it Maxy boy! Ah HAHAHAHAHAAAaaa!

The Penguin runs to his chair, kicking his heels.


The batboat is speeding through the sewer way.


Batman watches his video screen. We watch a video game figure of the Penguin getting out of his chair, and throwing a fit. We now watch him jump in his tank-duck and speed away.

Batman turns his head to an upcoming corner, and in that, he turns the wheel quickly that way.


The tank-duck drives up a path, only to be cut off by the batboat which hurls itself up and out of a hidden enrty way.

The top slides open, and Batman arises from within it. He looks around, but sees no Penguin. He gets out, and surveys the wreckage.

BATMAN: That's funny. Maybe he's in the arcade.

Batman turns around, only to have the Penguin LEAP on his back, bringing him to the ground.

PENGUIN: (having his umbrella pressed against his back) You're just jealous, because penguins' are known to have bigger dicks than baaatss! HAAA!

BATMAN: (struggeling to breathe) You may be right.

Batman thrusts the Penguin over his shoulder. With minimum pain towards this, the fiend gets up and shakes the umbrella... bringing out a knife.

The cape crusader picks up the head chunk of the tank-duck.

BATMAN: We both knew it'd come to this!

Suddenly the two begin an extrodinaire fight of foes. The Penguin swings his weapon, but misses. Now vice versa. Thrice again this repeats. Now Batman is fed up and just throws the damn thing at the little guy.

PENGUIN: (losing his balance) Whoa! Whoa!

The Penguin falls back against the glass wall and falls down into his sewer lair pool. A big splash. Batman approaches the broken area, and looks down. His enemy has not emerged.


We watch Max Shreck walk back and forth in his cage.

MAX: Oh, I'm never gonna' get out.

BATMAN: (from above) It's unlocked, mister Shreck.

Max tries to open the door, and succeeds. As he begins to step down, a whip wraps quickly around his left ankle. It TEARS him out of the cage, and brings him into the water.

It seems he's going to drown, when suddenly he is pulled out.

The dark knight watches from above as Catwoman pushes Max into a wall. With this, he pulls out his grappeling-hang gun... connecting it to a broken window rail. He shoots it out down towards the platform, then slides down.

MAX: (to Catwoman) I know all about your pussy, missy. Miss Kyle! You whore!

Catwoman whips her whip at him, threatening him. Just then Batman lands. He walks up to Catwoman, who turns to him.

BATMAN: It's over Selina.

CATWOMAN: Stay back!

BATMAN: Don't you see? We're the same. (getting erotic) Split! RIGHT down the center!

Catwoman seems aroused. Now Batman reaches for her, but she returns this with a scratch against his face.

CATWOMAN: I'm in my period! So don't pretend this is a happy ending!

Max tries to sneak away, but gets whipped at both ankles. His upper screaming jaw, sinks into an electric out let. This wasn't exactly part of Catwoman's plan, fore she is being electrocuted as well. Batman can only watch in utter horror.


Alfred is driving Bruce Wayne down home.


Alfred looks through the rear view mirror.

ALFRED: Merry Christmas sir.

BRUCE: Merry Christmas Alfred. To men, monsters... and my bitches and hoes waiting for me.

Bruce grins, and now Alfred does too... staring out upon Wayne Manor's gates.

BRUCE: (cont.) Now step on it, old man!

We pan away, up into the sky... as the car crashes through the gates, only to halt. We watch as both men rush inside.

As we fade out, several chicks are heard laughing.

The End
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