Guide to understanding, appreciating, and getting along with newly observant Jews
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- Is This Book for You ………………………………………………………………………………………. 6
 
Growing Together Cultivating Warm Relationships with Baalei Teshuvah and Converts A guide to understanding, appreciating, and getting along with newly observant Jews by Aliza Bulow and Oralee StilesTable of Contents Is This Book for You? ………………………………………………………………………………………. 6About the Authors ………………………………………………………………………………………….. 9Part I Setting the Stage: Growing Apart? Chapter 1 Does This Play Sound Familiar? ………………………………………….12Chapter 2 The Big Questions ……………………………………………………………….16 Chapter 3 Turn the Kaleidoscope …………………………………………………………20 Examining the same scene from different perspectives: Reform Jews, Conservative Jews, Secular Jews, Secular Christians, Religious Christians Chapter 4 The Bigger Questions ………………………...……………………………… 27 The value and gifts of changing perspective Chapter 5 The Phases of the Newly Observant ……………………………………. 32 A general look at the developmental stages of the baal teshuvah Part II How to Accommodate and/or Live With an Observant Jew Concepts, Practical Tips, and Reflections Introduction to Part II: They’re Always Calling a Rabbi!...............................................39 Chapter 6 Shabbat/Shabbos – The Sabbath ……………………………………………41
Chapter 7 Kosher Food – Kashrut …………………………………………………. 49
Chapter 8 Jewish Dress …………………………………………………………………………… 57
Chapter 9 Touching and Dating …………………………………………………………………62
Chapter 10 Weddings ………………………………………………………………………………68
Chapter 11 Education and Day Schools ……………………………………………………..80
Chapter 12 Main Stream Culture: Engaging and Refraining …………………… 86 Television, movies, media, music, reading materials, and entertainment Chapter 13 Grandparenting .…………………………………………………………………… 89 Part III What About Us, the Parents and Friends? How can the baal teshuvah accommodate us? Chapter 14 Honor Your Parents – What Does This Mean? …………………… 94
Chapter 15 The Rabbi and Teacher as Ally …………………………………………98 Oralee’s Reflections Chapter 16 Making Room for Your Family’s Views and Lifestyle …..… 101 Chapter 17 Compassion …………………………………………………………………… 106
Afterword ………………………………………………………………...………………………………………..109 Appendix A 39 Categories of Work ………………………………………………………………… 110 Appendix B Check List for Sabbath Preparation and Observances ………………... 112 Appendix C The What and How of Kosher Food – Kashrut ……………………………….. 116 Appendix D Shidduch Resume Samples ………………………………………………………… ..120 Appendix E Helpful Books ……………………………………………………………………………….123 Appendix F Glossary and Helpful Words ……………………………………………..125
Appendix H Oralee’s Story ……………………………………………………………………………. …162 Is This Book for You? Note: This book it is not intended as a source of practical halachic (legal) rulings. For matters of halachah, please consult a qualified posek (rabbi). Someone you know or love may have put this book in your hands. You may have picked it off the shelf in a bookstore or in a friend’s home. Is it because your grown child or grandchild has decided to become an observant Jew, and you wonder if they will grow apart from you? Is it because you have become more religious and want help growing together with your family? Is it because you have friends who are becoming more religious? Is it because your child is converting to Judaism? Is it because your child has married an observant Jew? Is it because you are willing to grow and be open to other lifestyles?
This book will give you ideas and information about all these situations. You may be surprised and entertained. You may be inspired. You may have more compassion for your own journey. You may grow along with your family and friends. Our idea of “growing together” is rooted in our gardens and can be transplanted to our hearts. In a garden, plants can be very different from one another and yet they all grow. We expect the variety of plants to respond to the soil, water, and sun as individuals and yet we hope they all grow to the best of their ability. As each plant in the garden flourishes, growing on their own but next to each other, we could say they are “growing together.” In our hearts, we grow together when we love and respect each other. And when that love and respect increases, we are surely “growing together.” This book supports the mutual growth of families and friends. When we make room in our lives to grow into new ways of understanding and acceptance, when we can be open to the impact of another’s path on our own, we enrich not only our own growth, but the strength of the relationships we have with those we love and cherish. This book is a response to many people who have asked for help in understanding and relating to religious Jewish relatives and friends, especially the newly religious or observant (baalei teshuvah) and to converts (geirim) to Judaism. It is also a response to the baalei teshuvah and converts who want some guidance in getting along with their families and friends. Aliza and Oralee, daughter and mother, respectively, are in a unique position to write this book: Aliza converting to Judaism at age sixteen, embracing a full Orthodox life, and maturing into a wife, mother, and Jewish educator; and Oralee, a teacher and entrepreneur, attentively observing her daughter’s journey, while maintaining a close relationship with her throughout.
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