Principles of Good Communication

Principles of Good Communication

1. A Serving Love.

• 
  Love adjusts its behavior to others as they are. Not always agreeing, but accepting them anyway.
  
• 
  Love assumes the best motives are present in others. It does not judge the other’s motives by assigning the worst known to man.
  
• 
  Love believes the best of others, not comparing their weak points with their strong points.
  
• 
  Love makes allowance for others’ eccentricities; it can afford to forget oddities in order to affirm others as persons.
  
• 
  Love bears with other person’s ill-humors, overlooks their thoughtless blunders, and forgives any insults or personal attack.
  

2. Build a Love Bank.

3. 
   Transparancy.
   

• 
  A problem shared is cut in half; a joy shared doubled.
  
• 
  Deep friendships come only from mutual self-disclosure. Intimacy in marriage is simply the measure of the degree in which mutual self disclosure is carried out – David and Vera Mace.
  
• 
  If you refuse to reveal yourself to me, I cannot know you, however much I may wish to do so. – John Macmurray.
  
• 
  Honest about what? How much truth? All the truth? I push firmly and persistently for painful revelations….I have never had anything resembling a catastrophe. Yes, there is pain and upset, but these reactions can be worked through so that insight and maturation develop in both partners. – Psychiatrist, in Medical Aspect of Human Sexuality.
  
• 
  But it (marriage) does mean, in its true sense, a complete pooling of possessions and the entering into a joint life, face to face, with nothing reserved or held back. Anything less than that is only a partial marriage, with the intention of limited involvement…Many marriages start on this basis and never go any further. These couples will never know the meaning of relationshio-in-depth. – From Marital Therapy, p. 165.
  

4. 
   Active Listening. (Expression, Body Movements, Tone).
   

• 
  The cornerstone of all good communication. (Matthew 11:25) "At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children." (Matthew 13:9) "He who has ears, let him hear.""
  
• 
  (Matthew 13:43) "Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear."
  
• 
  Why is it so difficult to listen? Listening inertia…one can listen three times faster than the average person speaks. Selfishness: I want to respond to the first thing I disagree with, instead of hearing the person out. Proverbs 18:2 “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but in expressing his own opinion.”
  
• 
  Listen to your children. They are experts on you.
  
• 
  Characteristics of good listening: Hear completely: (Proverbs 15:28) "The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil." Pause before you reply: (Proverbs 18:13) "He who answers before listening-- that is his folly and his shame."
  

5. Care Enough to Confront. Expect disagreement. It’s normal. Paul withstands Peter (Galatians 2:11)

"When Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong." (Matthew 18:15-20) ""If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. {16} But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' {17} If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. {18} "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. {19} "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. {20} For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."" (Galatians 6:1) "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted."

6. 
   Contain the Conflict. Stop before heat builds up. Set some controls. (Proverbs 17:14) "Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out."(Titus 3:2) "to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men."
   

6. 
   Fourteen Rules for Fighting Fair.
   

   1. Assume positive intentions. Your inferences are likely to be wrong, which will only aggravate your mate.

   2. 
      Differences are an asset. They are not a liability—multiple points of view should be fully considered.
      
   3. 
      Be brief. Speak in sentences, not paragraphs. Stick to essentials, it minimizes counter-productive, hostile remarks.
      
   4. 
      Disallow anger. Call time out. About 70% of the arguments go unresolved because at some point anger pops its ugly head preventing further discussion. Signal “time out” at the first sign of anger. It is a necessary preventative.
      
   5. 
      Check out your understanding of your mater’s complaint. Listen to what people say, then repeat what they say, so you are absolutely sure you understand and so they know you understand. Example: “Oh, that is what you meant…I didn’t hear it that way the first time around” or “I think you are saying you won’t ever go to another party Jane schedules.”
      
   6. 
      Timing is important. One a.m. is probably not a good time. Neither is 15 minutes before you split for work.
      
   7. 
      Look for win-win situations. Agreements in which people work together, rather than declaring one party to victor.
      
   8. 
      Develop many points of agreement.
      
   9. 
      Be Specific. Instead of complaining, “I wish you were neater,” say “I would like you to hang up the towel after you use it.”
      
   10. 
       Never insult, accuse, or blame. “Let’s admit a problem exists. Let’s see what we can do about solving it.”
       
   11. 
       Don’t pull up the past. Past mistakes that have been forgiven (even if not forgotten) should not be injected. It stifles future openness (“You may use my confessions against me later”).
       
   12. 
       Avoid absolutes. They only beg for rebuttal, since it is the rare mate who “never” does or “always” does a given thing.
       
   13. 
       State things positively. Rather than complain “You never help with the dishes” say “I’d appreciate it if you would help with the dishes.”
       
   14. 
       Be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to say you are wrong or sorry. Loving includes apology when you have hurt your mate.