Christ In The Home: God’s Plan For His Family


Men’s Complaints About Wives



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Men’s Complaints About Wives

  1. She demands immediate answers. I want to think about it for a while.


  2. She always looks for hidden meanings. She reads in meanings that aren’t there.

  3. She is never satisfied with what I tell her. I don’t like cross-examinations.

  4. She belabors the subject – wants all the details. Her stories take detours. Why can’t she get to the point?

  5. She can’t separate the issue from the person. She thinks “If you disagree with my view, then you don’t love me.”

  6. She brings unrelated issues into the argument.

  7. She interrupts me. She tends to break into whatever I say before I’m finished.

  8. She desires more to be understood than to understand.



Wives’ Complaints About Husbands

  1. He doesn’t listen to full conversations or even sentences but judges immediately.


  2. He doesn’t respect my opinion but hears it only when someone else says it.

  3. He won’t risk confrontation. If I complain, he doesn’t answer, and I feel like a nonperson.

  4. Reminding is taken as nagging.

  5. To him, his problems are major. Mine are insignificant and incessant.

  6. He doesn’t listen – just pretends – and when I catch him at it, he gets angry.

  7. He won’t share his true feelings, but they emerge heatedly later on.

  8. I share feelings and frustrations, but nothing happens.

  9. If something goes wrong in his life, he makes me feel as if I have failed.

  10. He can’t share the deep feelings of intimacy I need.

  11. He’s too busy for communication (said by several women).

  12. When he’s mad at the dog or car, why is it my fault and why does he take it out on me?

  13. He can’t admit he’s wrong.

  14. Why tell me about the kids’ misbehavior? Why doesn’t he do something about it? Instead, he tattles.

  15. He ignores me all day and then wants quick and playful sex at night. I don’t want sex without attention first.

From Stress and the Healthy Family by Dolores Curran, 1985.

Problems in Communication


  1. Words should mean only what the user thinks they mean.

  2. Individual experiences are not identical.

  3. Assuming we are understood.

  4. Role perception, expectation

    1. The roles in traditional marriages were specific

  1. Now more wives are working out of the home

  2. Therefore, there is an increased need to communicate

b. Judith Viorst: “The family that fights together…”



  1. The Message sent is not always the message received.

  • The woman may rub her nose when she is angry, or she may rub her nose when it itches. Her husband doesn’t know which, so he reacts as though she is angry when she is rubbing her itching nose. Most good marriages even miscommunicate like this about 20% of the time. When it gets more than that, then the marriage begins to get into trouble because miscommunication breeds more miscommunication.

  1. Male and Female Variations.

    1. Whether these differences are from God, culture, or inherited, they still generally exist here in the U.S. It helps to understand

      1. Physical

      2. Car

      3. Bedtime

      4. Criticisms

      5. Compliments

      6. Hostility

    2. In unhappy marriages, women feel unheard, attacked; men feel flooded, withdrawn.

    3. Women thrive on connectedness. Women fear isolation. Men thrive on autonomy. Men fear intimacy.

    4. Women and men shift in their development over the years:

      1. Males – begin independent with a desire for autonomy (in job, money, power). As the years pass, they begin to realize that this is not where their greatest satisfaction comes and begin to seek relationships, companionship.

      2. Females – begin as dependent, wanting companionship. As the years pass, they realize that they may need to take care of themselves, so ‘retooling’ in terms of jobs, education, and finding out their own particular gifts and interests lead them to become more independent

The solution: to realize the needs/wants of each.

    1. Men tend to be tone deaf and blind.



Nine Essentials For Good Communication


  1. It requires good listening. Napoleon, the famous leader of France, was asked what he felt was the greatest need of his nation. His reply: "Mothers! Mothers! Mothers! Today, the answer would be: listening mothers! It takes concentration to become an active listener. Hearing is one of the body's five senses, but listening is an art.

  2. Requires good eye contact. Looking at people can tell us whether they agree or disagree with our message or not. Many non-verbal messages are received through the eyes.

  3. Requires simple word response. Oh! Is that right? Really? I see! That's interesting! All help to show interest and keep the process going. As long as you look and act interested, listen carefully, and give simple and short responses, your child will continue to send you messages until he has told you everything he has to tell.

  4. Requires much, much time. Mealtimes and bedtimes are often the best times to listen.

  5. Requires sending words that are numbered. Dr. Montessori, the Italian educator, had this motto on her schoolroom wall: "Let your words be numbered." It's a proven fact that the more you say, the less people remember." No means no, and that's it, for example.


RULES FOR SAYING NO.

    1. Don't say no if you can possibly say yes.

    2. Reduce your no's to a minimum during the years of 11/2 to 3-years old and between 13-15 years old.

    3. Say no to things that really matter.

    4. Substitute a yes, yes, in place of your no, no. Choose alternatives for reading, movies, etc., instead of giving the idea that "all are bad."

  1. Requires sending words that are true. Be consistent. Give a command and mean it, so your children will know what is expected of them. The moment a parent loses the quality of truthfulness, he clips his lifeline as a parent and becomes a transparent.

  2. Requires sending words that are on time. If a child asks a legitimate question, the thing to remember is that he is entitled to a prompt and honest answer. Don't wait to discuss the need to marry a Christian when your son has given an engagement ring to an unbeliever.

  3. Requires sending words that are beautiful and soft. "I'm careful of the words I say, To keep them soft and sweet. I never know from day to day, Which ones I'll have to eat.

  4. Requires a mother who is happy and cheerful. It takes time and also tests your temperature! It's not fair, but the emotional temperature of the home is usually set by the mother.


The Active Listening Process of Problem Solving with Children

  1. Use reflective listening to understand and clarify the child’s feelings. “You’re angry…” “It seems to me that you feel…”

  2. Explore Alternatives Through Brainstorming. “Shall we look at some things you could do about this?” “If you’re interested in getting along better with your teacher, what are some things you could do?” Get as many ideas from the child as possible.

  3. Assist the Child to choose a solution. Help the child evaluate the various possibilities. “Which idea do you think is the best one?”

  4. Discuss the probable results of the decision. “What do you think will happen if you do that?”

  5. Obtain a commitment. “What have you decided to do?” “When are you going to do this?”

  6. Plan a time for evaluation. “How long will you do this?” “When shall we discuss this again?”

In order for communication to help resolve the problem, the parent must ask: “Whose problem is this?” Parents must be careful to accept the children’s ownership of the problem and help the child deal with it, without overprotection and taking away the child’s responsibility to resolve problems. If the parent never allows the child to solve his/her own problems the child will not be able to cope with many problems in life. There are three possible answers:



  1. The child owns the problem. The child has a problem because he is thwarted in satisfying a need. It is not a problem for the parent because the child’s behavior in no tangible way interferes with the parent’s satisfying his own needs.

  2. There is no problem in the relationship. The child is satisfying his own needs (he is not thwarted) and his behavior is not interfering with the parent’s own needs.

  3. The parent owns the problem. The child is satisfying his own needs (he is not thwarted). But his behavior is a problem to the parent because it is interfering in some tangible way with the parent’s satisfying a need of his own.

“I” Messages

“I” messages are communications of feelings, meanings, and intentions. The I-message expresses specific feelings. As you send it the non-verbal elements (voice tine, facial expressions, posture, etc.) are crucial. To be effective the I-message must be non-judgmental. Because we have been trained to cover up feelings this is a very difficult thing to master. On the other hand, many of us are quite skilled at giving “you messages.” These lay blame and criticism on the child. These are verbal attacks. It is very easy for a parent (or spouse) to use an I-message but allow it to become a “you message.”
The I-message is construed to communicate in specific terms what is causing the problem. It is often not the child’s behavior but the consequences of that behavior at the moment. For example: your children are playing, laughing, and rather noisy. That does not bother you until the telephone rings and then the playing/noise interferes with your rights because of the consequences – playing is not wrong, it is the interfering noise that is wrong.
To correct the problem try to send an I-message – “I’m on the phone and have a hard time listening because of the noise.” This brings focus on the consequences rather than the behavior. The child should understand that playing, laughing, etc., are not wrong, but when it is too loud then the noise is wrong and should be stopped.
Three parts of effective I-messages


  1. Describe the behavior which is interfering with you. (Just describe…don’t blame). “When you don’t call or come home after school…”

  2. State your feeling about the consequence the behavior produces with you. “I worry that something might have happened to you…”

  3. State the consequence. “…because I don’t know where you are.”


In summary: - behavior - feeling - consequence

A simple formula: When you (state the behavior) I feel (state the feeling) because (state the consequence)

The problem with I-messages:



  1. They can be ignored.

  2. Children can send back their own I-message

  3. Children may refuse to modify their behavior.


Preventative Maintenance in Communication with children

  1. When you talk…touch.

  2. When you talk – use eye-to-eye contact.

  3. When you talk—be sure your attention is focused upon the conversation and the one you are talking with.

  4. Never assume you know what the other is going to say.

  5. Repeat in different words what you think they said.

  6. Do not overreact or take immediate action.

  7. Do not ridicule what children say.


Ten Building Blocks

  1. A family can worship together.

  2. A family can work together.

  3. A family can talk together.

  4. A family can travel together.

  5. A family can play together.

  6. A family can plan together.

  7. A family can pray together.

  8. A family can share together.

  9. A family can sacrifice together.

  10. A family can choose companions together.

.

The Secrets of Much, Much Better male/female communications (Deborah Tannen).

Men and women differ in how they express almost everything!



FEMALE
MALE

Surviving Conflict
Attempt to reduce verbal conflict and preserve harmony among peers by compromise and consensus

Use appeal to rules, threats of physical violence. Tend to be more prolonged and are often devices to create greater loseness

Coping with Problems

Often talk about problems not as a way of finding solutions, but to seek understanding and sympathy

Don’t talk about problems unless they want advice; they’re likely to frustrate advise instead of understanding

Asking Questions

Show concern by responding to a friend’s ‘troubles talk’ with pertinent questions

Are more likely to change the subject out of respect for other’s needs for independence. Extended discussion of a problem would make it seem more serious and make the man feel worse

Making Confessions

Women are more willing to reveal emotional secrets and weaknesses, because the payoff in intimacy is worth the risk of vulnerability

Men are less likely to take the risk – particularly with other men – out of fear of landing one-down. They are more inclined to barter impersonal news about politics or sports

Giving Feedback

Women are more included to ask questions when listening to someone talk. They offer small clubs like ‘uh-huh.’ A woman who says ‘yeah’ may mean ‘I’m wit you, I follow.’

Most men will say ‘yeah’ only if they agree. They give fewer signals overall and are more likely to respond with statements and challenges. Men also listen to women less frequently than women listen to men.

Making Apologies

When women say ‘I’m sorry’ it is often to establish a connection with the other person, as in ‘I’m sorry about this – I do too.’

To many men, ‘I’m sorry’ denotes an apology, an admission of fault. To accept you feel bad the apology places the accepter as one-up.

Joking

Women are less likely to remember jokes, but are quicker to laugh at them.

Men are more likely to seize center stage in a group. Point: making others laugh gives you a fleeting power over them.

Using body language

When women talk, they look at one another directly, with a steady gaze that supports their connection.

Men normally look away from each other. Reasons: to look directly at another man might suggest hostility – a barrier to friendly connection. A man who looks directly at a woman may imply a different kind of threat – a flirtation.


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