Discipline: Handling Misbehavior

Discipline: Handling Misbehavior

1. 
   Age of the child – older children will be antagonized if parents resort to disciplinary methods that are inappropriate (i.e. spanking a 14 year old).
   
2. 
   Ability to perform tasks – the child must be allowed to perform up to his level. Do not expect him to perform as an adult would (a 7-year old child can’t clean their room at the same level of an adult).
   
3. 
   Seriousness of the misbehavior – some behavior is obviously childish and the parent should not react too strongly. However some misbehavior is serious and unless it is met with immediate decisiveness by the parents it will give long term problems.
   
4. 
   Consistent responses by parents – parents should be consistent in applying the limits to children. It is foolish to allow the child to do something one day and forbid or punish him for doing it the next day!
   

Dr. Dobson discusses five key elements that he says are paramount in the proper control of children.

1. 
   Developing respect in children of parents. If the element of respect is not taught to the child, he will be seriously handicapped all his life. The child’s view of parental authority is the cornerstone of his outlook on all authority. Parental respect must be achieved in the first five years of the child’s life.
   
2. 
   The best opportunity to communicate often occurs after punishment. After a genuine cry the child will want affection and will be open to hear things that at other times are lost.
   
3. 
   Control without nagging. When parents give the child an order and there is always a number of repeated threats before “THIS is the LAST TIME I will tell you…” they are doing themselves and their child great harm.
   
4. 
   Do not saturate the child with excessive materialism. Such causes a lack of appreciation and really cheats the child out of pure pleasures.
   
5. 
   Avoid extremes in your control and love. Be consistent!
   

Method For Correction

1. 
   Natural and logical consequences. This principle should undergird all behavior corrections. Parents correct their child because he/she is not acting responsibility. This principle must be taught by the parent to the child. Parents must explain why the behavior is unacceptable. This method holds the child responsible and allows the child freedom to learn from negative consequences why he should not act a certain way. When faced with the same situation the next time the child should think ‘if I do this I will not profit, but if I do this I will…’ As parents discipline with this method the following points should be used:
   

1. 
   be firm and kind
   
2. 
   do not overprotect and take away the child’s responsibility
   
3. 
   be consistent
   
4. 
   encourage independence and self-reliance
   
5. 
   avoid pity
   
6. 
   talk less, act more
   
7. 
   refuse to fight or give in if the child chooses to act irresponsibility and loses out
   
8. 
   if a group of children are involved all should share responsibility
   
9. 
   provide adequate choices
   
10. 
    if the child chooses wrong, communicate that next time he will have another opportunity to choose the better way
    

2. 
   Requests. The parent simply asks the child to do something or to behave in a proper way. This method communicates respect and confidence in the child. The parent and child are seen as a working team. It is one of the better ways to train a child.
   
3. 
   Commands. When requests do not work the parent must be more forceful and directly command the child (picking up toys, coming home from a date, etc.). There is a danger here that parents will command a child to do something beyond ability, age, and understanding. Parents who effectively use requests save commands for really important situations. The point is to control a child’s behavior in the most gentle, most considerate, and most loving way possible.
   

1. 
   Establish limits and tell the children well ahead of time the consequences for violating these. Make sure each child understands.
   
2. 
   Assure the child that action will be immediate and no ‘second changes’ will come.
   
3. 
   Spank because the child is responsible for violations of the limit. Make sure the child is aware of this. Do not spank for mistakes, accidents, or acts of immaturity.
   
4. 
   Communicate parental grief and associate love.
   
5. 
   Spank until the stubborn will is broken. It is useless to give a little ‘pat’ and the child fails to get any benefit from it. Such a response will only invite more of the same rebellion.
   
6. 
   Never spank in anger.
   
7. 
   Use an appropriate object for spanking. Some objects are not right and will hurt the child. If you are going to spank the child make sure they feel it. (I suggest getting a ping pong paddle and hit the fat of the seat, not the legs, arms, hands, etc.)
   

As you can tell, good child rearing requires balance. A child needs everything we have discussed: eye contact, physical contact, focused attention, discipline, requests, firmness, flexibility, commands, forgiveness, punishment, behavior modification, instruction, guidance, example, and active listening. But we must give our child these things in proper measure.” (Dr. Ross Campbell)

Excessive stress is epidemic in our society and families are not immune. Frazzled parents escape the wear-and-tear of the workplace only to come home to the stressful demands of the family. The innocence of childhood is often interrupted by the gut-wrenching sound of parents fighting. And the balance in the checkbook never seems to move very far from zero.

• 
  How well a family handles stress is largely determined by its emotional health
  
• 
  Any stressful situation can be met if the family has adequate financial resources
  
• 
  Whether or not a situation is really stressful depends a great deal on the definition a family gives it
  
• 
  Open grieving at the death of a family member should be encouraged as a way of alleviating stress from loss
  
• 
  If an individual is under excessive stress then his family will also be under excessive stress
  
• 
  Stress can actually serve to strengthen a family
  

STRESS TEST

Death of spouse 100

Divorce 73

Marital separation 65

Jail term 63

Death of close family member 63

Personal injury or illness 53

Marriage 50

Loss of job 47

Marital reconciliation 45

Retirement 45

Health problem of family member 44

Pregnancy 40

Sexual difficulties 39

Gain of new family member 39

Business readjustment 39

Change in financial state 38

Death of a close friend 37

Change in line of work 36

Increased arguments with spouse 35

Large mortgage taken out 31

Foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30

Change in work responsibilities 29

Son or daughter leaving home 29

Trouble with in-laws 29

Major personal achievement 28

Spouse starting or stopping work 26

Change in living conditions 25

Revision of personal habits 24

Trouble with boss 23

Change in working hours 20

Change in residence 20

Change in school 20

Change in recreation 19

Change in church activities 19

Change in social activities 18

MUTUAL RESPECT

TAKING TIME

ENCOURAGEMENT

COMMUNICATING LOVE

the best concerning the other person.

Four Basic Types of Parenting

Several years ago an article in Family Life Today described four basic groups of parents. Two of these types tend to cause their children to resent authority...and the children tend to dislike themselves. They do poorly in school and are often sure they will never succeed.
The other two types of parents tend to produce positive-acting child- children. These children are more secure and tend to like themselves. They do better in school and are more responsible as adults. As we examine quickly each of these groups I am sure that you will find yourself in all four at times! Look and evaluate your parenting in light of each.

Dominant Parent

This parent tends to produce the most negative qualities in children. They have high standards, are seldom warm or caring in support, and give very few explanations for their rigid rules. They tend to be unbending and demanding.
But because the children do not understand the reasons why activities are wrong, they may participate in them. Some serious conclusions have been observed arising from dominant

parenting practices:

• 
  high aggression in younger children is often evident
  
• 
  many, due to early aggression, lead a future life of violence
  
• 
  aggression is evident in all associations the child has
  

Am I that type of parent? Here are some typical statements and actions of dominant parents:

" Rules are rules. You're late-to bed with no supper!"

"I won't stand for your back talk. Just do what I say."

"You don't need reasons when I tell you to do something."
These are likely reactions by children who have dominant parents:

- They rank lowest in self-esteem. They have little ability to conform to rules.

- The rigid harshness of the parent breaks the spirit of the child and results in resistance, silence, or rebellion. We would do well to remember Ephesians 6:4: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
Why did Paul address the fathers? Why didn't he address the mothers?

There are at least two reasons why Paul speaks to the fathers. One of them may be that fathers have a particular problem with the issue that Paul singles out: provoking children to wrath. But that is not the major factor. When Paul speaks to the fathers he is speaking to the mothers, because the father is responsible for what the mother does.

- The child usually does not want anything to do with the parent's rules or values; he rejects them.

- The child may be attracted to other children who rebel against parental and society's rules. They may move toward drugs or do illegal actions.

- The child may be loud in demanding his rights. In classes he may be disruptive to gain attention.

Neglectful Parent

Neglectful parents tend to lack both loving support and control over children. They show an uncaring or immature attitude, lashing out at the child when irritated. These tend to isolate by excessive use of baby-sitters and to indulge in their own selfish activities. Children are seen as a bother.

Parents can be "neglectful" even when they are physically at home! In this neglect children are robbed of the greatest factor a parent can give -- emotional involvement and attachment. When they are home, the neglectful parent usually does not listen or pay attention to their children!

What does this parent sound like?

"Work it out! Can't you see I'm busy."

"That's your problem! I got to go to work."

"So you think I'm stupid, huh? Well, that's your problem, buddy."

Here are some typical effects on children of neglectful parents:

• 
  The harshness and neglect tend to wound the child's spirit, causing rebellion.
  
• 
  Neglect teaches the child that he is not worth spending time with.
  
• 
  The child develops insecurity because parents are never predictable.
  
• 
  The child may not develop a healthy self-respect because he is not respected and has not learned self-control.
  
• 
  Broken promises break the child's spirit and lowers self-worth.
  
• 
  The child tends to do poorly in school because he has little of motivation.
  

PERMISSIVE PARENT

Permissive parents tend to be warm, supporting but are weak in establishing and enforcing rules and limits for their children. They usually give into the child's demands. Even when the child is in trouble they do not spank or discipline, which affects in a negative way permissive parents are great supporters -- giving, understanding, and very comforting. But this type of parenting is responsible for allowing a "brat" to develop!
The following are typical of permissive parents:

• 
  "Well, O.K., you can stay up late this time. I know how much you like this program."
  
• 
  I hate to see you under all this pressure from school. Why not rest tomorrow? I'll say you were sick."
  

These are possible reactions by children with permissive parents:

- A child senses that he is in the driver's seat and can play the parent accordingly.

- A child develops insecurity, like leaning against a wall that appears to be firm, but falls over.

- A child may have little self-esteem because he has not learned to control himself and master personal disciplines.

- A child learns that because standards are not firm, he can mani- pulate around all rules.

The LOVING AND FIRM PARENT

Loving and firm parents usually have well defined rules, limits, and standards. They take time to train the children to understand these limits. But they also give support and affection to the child (physically, Spending time with them, etc.).
They are flexible, willing to listen to all the facts if a limit has t been violated. The loving and firm parent is a healthy and balanced combination of the dominant and permissive parent. There is firmness, but affection.
Here are some of their typical statements:

• 
  "You're late again for dinner. How can we work this thing out?"
  
• 
  "When we both cool off, let's talk about what needs to be done."
  
• 
  "You say all the others will be there. I'd like some more information first."
  

PARENTS	LOVE AND SUPPORT FOR THEIR CHILDREN	CONTROLLING CHILDREN BY LIMITS OR RULES AT HOME
Dominant	Low	High
Neglectful	Low	Low
Permissive	High	Low
Loving/firm	High	High

OBEDIENCE AND DISCIPLINE

Obedience is an act which implies authority. It is submission to one, or to those, having the right to act and enforce. Discipline is training and correction designed to bring about obedience and respect for authority.

These two words suggest a principle of God's which is as old as the home itself. In the Garden of Eden the sin of man was followed by action on the part of God -- action which indeed was a form of discipline and designed to establish God's eternal truth and right.
The Bible reveals three distinct dispensations:

1. 
   the Patriarchal dispensation which was headed by the Father
   
2. 
   the Mosaical dispensation which looked to the law of Moses for its authority
   
3. 
   the Christian dispensation in which we follow the teachings of Christ.
   

All of these ages, of course, came under God's authority. Because of the eternal nature of God, we find one common principle following through the entire history of man. This is the principle of faith and of obedience. Each dispensation has had laws or ordinances to be accepted and believed, and each dispensation required certain responses from man in relation to those laws.

Even though the law might have changed, the principle has always been the same. with all of God's love, grace, and mercy, He has consistently held himself forth as supreme and he requires that his people recognize Him.
In Deuteronomy 5:9"You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me."
No man can relate himself acceptably to God without recognizing His supremacy. Thus the principle of obedience and the necessity of discipline are obvious, if we are to be pleasing to God and ultimately to receive everlasting life.
Israel's darkest days were those when each did that which was right in his own eyes. Authority is necessary. The very existence of the earth itself is the result of the authority of God and it cannot function nor can its inhabitants achieve real success without recognition of that authority.
And that certainly is carried forth today, through our submission to the teachings and life of Jesus Christ, the examples of the first century Christians, and the love and devotion we offer to the church, the body of Christ.
Where does obedience originate? We need to realize that obedience is learned! A significant and clear passage is Hebrews 5:8: “Although he [Jesus] was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered."
Children try to escape from obedience. They develop a mind and a will of their own, which is as it should be, and without restraint or instruction, they will go their own way. There are many places where we can learn the principle of faith and obedience. We can learn it in the world today as we recognize those in responsible positions and relate ourselves properly to their jurisdiction. We can learn it in school as we recognize the position of the teacher and the administrator and cooperate with them in the educational program. Certain, we also learn it in our homes!

THE ‘GOOD’ PARENT THE ‘RESPONSIBLE’ PARENT

PARENT’S BELIEF	POSSIBLE PARENT BEHAVIOR	POSSIBLE RESULTS FOR THE CHILD	PARENT’S BELIEF	POSSIBLE PARENT BEHAVIOR	POSSIBLE RESULTS FOR THE CHILD
I must control	Demands obedience. Rewards and punishes. Tries to win. Insists parent is right and child is wrong.	Rebels-must win or be right. Hides true feelings. Feels anxious. Seeks revenge; feels life is unfair. Gives up. Evades, lies, steals. Lacks self-discipline	I believe the child can make decisions	Permits choices. Encourages.	Feels self-confident; tries. Contributes. Cooperates. Solves problems. Becomes resourceful.
I am superior	Pities child. Takes responsibility. Overprotects. Acts self-righteous; spoils child. Shames child	Learns to pity self and to blame others. Criticizes others. Feels life is unfair. Feels inadequate. Expects others to give. Feels need to be superior.	I am equal, no more or less worthwhile than others.	Believes in and respects child. Encourages independence. Gives choices and responsibility. Expects child to contribute.	Develops self-reliance and responsibility. Learns to make decisions. Respects self and others. Believes in equality.
I am entitled. You owe me.	Is over concerned with fairness. Gives with strings attached	Doesn’t trust others. Feels life is unfair. Feels exploited. Learns to exploit others.	I believe in mutual respect.	Promotes equality. Encourages mutual respect. Avoids making child feel guilty.	Respects self and others. Has increased social feeling. Trusts others.
I must be perfect.	Demands perfection from all. Finds fault. Is over concerned about what others think; pushes child to make self look good.	Believes he/she is never good enough. Becomes perfectionist. Feels discouraged. Worries about others’ opinions.	I am human; I have “courage to be imperfect.”	Sets realistic standards. Focuses on strengths. Encourages. Is not concerned with own image. Is patient.	Focuses on task at hand, not on self-evaluation. Sees mistakes as challenge to keep trying. Has courage to try new experiences. Is tolerant of others.
I don’t count. Others are more important than I.	Overindulges child. Becomes ‘slave.’ Gives in to child’s demands. Feels guilty about saying no.	Expects to receive. Has poor social relationships. Does not respect right of others. Is selfish.	I believe all people are important, including myself.	Encourages mutual respect and contribution. Refuses to be ‘doormat.’ Knows when to say no.	Has good social relationships. Respects the rights of others. Is generous.

The Meanest Mother In The World

"I had the meanest mother in the world," writes a housewife, who is now raising a family of her own. "While other kids ate candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When other! had Cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can guess, my Supper was different than the other kids' also.

"But at least, I wasn't alone in my sufferings. My sister and two brothers had the same mean mother as I did.

"My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and what we were doing. She insisted if we said we'd be gone an hour, that we be gone one hour or less - . not one hour and one minute. I am nearly ashamed to admit it, but she actually struck us. Not once, but each time we had a mind of our own and did as we pleased. That poor belt was used more on our seats than it was to hold up Daddy's pants. Can you imagine someone actually hitting a child just because he disobeyed? Now you can see how mean she really was.

"We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always wore their clothes for days. We reached the heights of insults because she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends?
"The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night and up at eight the next morning. We couldn't sleep till noon like our friends. So while they slept, my mother actually had the nerve to break the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make beds, learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she lay awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us.
"She always insisted upon Our telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, even if it killed us - and it nearly did. "By the time we were teenagers, she was much wiser, and our lives became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a girl friend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really there? I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is, if I'd had a boy friend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were dating at the mature age of twelve and thirteen, my old fashioned mother refused to let me date until the age of fifteen and sixteen. Fifteen, that is, if you dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year.
"Through the years, things didn't improve a bit. We could not lie in bed, 'sick,' like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends had a toe-ache, a hang nail or other serious ailments, they could stay home from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends' report cards had beautiful colors on them --- black for passing, red for failing.
"As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put to shame. We were graduated from high school. With our mother behind us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the pleasure of being a dropout.
"My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four children, a couple of us attained some higher education. None of us has ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate. Each of my brothers served his time in the service of this country. And whom do we blame for the terrible way we turned out? You're right, our mean mother. Look at all the things we missed. We never got to march in a protest parade, nor to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a million-and-one other things that our friends did. She forced us to grow up into God-fearing, educated, honest adults.
"Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my children call me mean. "Because, you see, I thank God that He gave me the meanest mother in the world."
Troubles With Junior

Junior bit the meter man; Junior kicked the cook. Junior's anti-social now... (according to the book).

Junior smashed the clock and lamp, Junior hacked the tree.

(Destructive trends are treated In chapters two and three!).

Junior threw the milk at Mom. Junior screamed for more.

(Notes on self-assertiveness Are found in chapter four).

Junior tossed his shoes and socks Out into the rain.

(Negation, that, and normal... Disregard the same).

Junior set Dad's fire afire, Salted Grandpop's tea; (That's to gain attention. See page 163).

Grandpop seized a rod, Yanked Junior across his knee! (Grandpop hasn't read a book Since 1893).

Directory: 2016
2016 -> Senate, No. 627 State of new jersey 217th legislature
2016 -> 2017 afoCo Landmark Scholarship Program
2016 -> Instructions for the Preparation of Camera-Ready Contributions to the Conference Proceedings
2016 -> Strategic Plan South Sudan Country Office Context
2016 -> Original: English
2016 -> Step student Scholarships for Year 10-13
2016 -> Resolution
2016 -> American bar association adopted by the house of delegates

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