Creating Stronger Family Unity By Harold Hazelip

Creating Stronger Family Unity

By Harold Hazelip

You may have heard about a new kind of marriage contract. Some couples are working out a prenuptial agreement, in the presence of a lawyer, which gives in detail the responsibilities of each spouse in the

marriage relationship. Who will take care of the laundry? Who will cook and wash dishes? How will they decide where to vacation and with whom?
Anyone who is married knows that this kind of list could be endless. Some people have decided that this contract will prevent misunderstandings and preserve the family.

We cannot always assume today that the traditional roles will be followed in the family. I understand the intent of people who want to spell everything out in black and white. But I believe there must be a better way to hold the family together. How do you create family unity in our complicated world?

A major national newspaper carried an article some months ago entitled, “The U.S. is No Place to Raise a Family." The title may not surprise you. There are many forces at work today that pull our families apart. We may almost wish for the "hard times" many of us grew up in because it seemed easier to hold a family together then. The family worked together in the family business or on the family farm. Or we lived in a small town and actually ate meals together regularly!

First, there is a great deal of evidence which suggests that many of us are committed more to our pleasure and satisfaction as individuals than to the unity of the family. The plot of the movie Kramer us. Kramer revolves around one of our most persistent problems today. A young wife and mother tells her husband of her desire to get away and experience her freedom. She feels enslaved in their relationship. She wants something more in life than to be at the disposal of her husband and child. She wants to explore her potential without being trapped by her commitments to others. A recent book called Habits of the Heart deals with our pursuit of individual goals today. The authors say that our insistence on the rights of the individual over all other values has damaged both families and communities.

Our children absorb this propaganda long before they think of marriage. It comes in movies, in music, on T. V. If we believe we can always run away when another person limits our freedom, we will never be able to have an intimate relationship with another person.

There Isn't Enough Time!

A second enemy to the unity of the family today is time pressure. It is as if a great conspiracy were trying to prevent us from spending time together. Do you remember those family conferences on "Leave It to Beaver?" Ward never had to travel. His wife was always at home when the children returned from school. The children were not meeting a demanding schedule of piano practice, football workouts and other extracurricular activities. They spent time together. They talked things over!
Why do we allow ourselves to be enslaved by an endless round of activities? With so many entries in the date book, we hardly sit down for a meal together. The hubbub of activities seems to begin when the children start to school. It becomes even worse when they are in high school.
We may be so busy with the combination of work and our hobbies that we scarcely have time to know what our children are doing. Perhaps all of us are busier today than people once were, but I suspect that we can only blame ourselves if we allow time pressures to pull our families apart. When we chose the second or the third job, we communicated something: we placed our standard of living above other needs of our family.
Whose Job is it to . . .?

I would like to mention one other factor that I erodes the unity of the family. The fact that people I would enter into detailed contracts spelling out the rights and duties of the partners suggests that our society's uncertainty about roles of men and women is affecting the family. For generations the great heroes of family life were often the women who took on burdensome roles while their husbands took them for granted. Today, I hope most of us have recognized the need for husbands and wives to share the burdens. No good marriage places all of the undesirable tasks on one individual.

But the harmony of the family is disturbed today because husbands and wives do not agree on how to share the roles that must be shared in every family. Quarreling and competition for the more desirable tasks around the home may be the result.
Steps Toward Family Unity

Putting our own desires before the needs of the family, allowing our busy schedules to keep us from spending time together, disagreement over who carries out the garbage and washes the dishes - how do you build family unity when so many forces in our society are trying to destroy it?

I heard recently of a marriage counselor who offered some very good advice to a young couple who were approaching their wedding day. In his premarital counseling session with them, he mentioned areas in which husband and wife must adjust to each other. He knew that no amount of reading or counseling could totally prepare them for their life together. And he knew how easy it is for people to give up when things are not going well. He tried to prepare them for their new relationship with this reminder: You have a lifetime to adjust to each other.
The Family's Needs First

How do you build unity in the family in a culture like ours? The first thing for us to do, if we really want family unity, is to adopt a new mind- set. Instead of the "looking out for number one" philosophy which puts my individual desires ahead of the needs of the family, Jesus taught another way of living. He knew that the quest for power dominates every political group.

He was not surprised that his own disciples should want to pattern their relationship after the politics of the day. But he said to them, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men ex- ercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you; but whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave; even as the Son of man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" (Matthew 20:25-28).

What impresses me most about Jesus' teaching is that he portrayed himself as the example for his followers. He did not grab for power. He was not ashamed to serve. In fact, he took a term - the word "servant" which was demeaning to his own society, and gave it dignity. He came to serve!

The early Christians took the words of Jesus and learned the hard lesson of living life for someone else. Paul wrote to Christians at Philippi, "Do nothing from selfishness or conceit, but in humility count others better than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to - the interests of others" (Philippians 2:3, 4). And then he pointed to Jesus Christ as the great example of service to others.
He gave the same kind of advice to families. "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ," Paul wrote to the Ephesians (5:21). The point is that the Christian is being set free from excessive self-concern .

So, how do you create family unity? The first step is to reject all of the propaganda that tells you that your first obligation is to yourself. The only way to create family unity is to take the lead in demonstrating that you count the welfare of your family more important than your own.

If you follow this model, you may actually deny yourself some of the satisfactions you want. You may not advance as rapidly in the corporation. You may miss some of the travel and the excitement you would like. But you will find the satisfaction of molding a united family. I do not believe there is a greater joy than that.
Make Time for Relationships

Second, do not allow the hectic pace of your life to crowd out your family time. Have the courage to take out your calendar and fill it in with some times that will be reserved for the family. Do not allow yourself to schedule anything on those dates. Urge others in the family to reserve those same times. Your appointments within your own family may be far more important than any other you make. You do not have to be a victim of your own schedule.

One aspect of spending time together is our willingness to show an interest in what others in our family are doing. If you have ever helped with an athletic team or an organized activity for young boys or girls, you have probably noticed the sad faces on some of the children as they kept looking to the stands in hopes that their fathers would come to see them play. Parents who are too busy miss out on a great opportunity to build family unity. Children are encouraged when their parents come to see them perform.
Husbands and wives can build their relationship with each other by sharing one another's interests. I know of one wife who realized months after her wedding that her husband would not intentionally give up his weekend football games. Instead of resenting his avid interest in football, she began watching games herself. She even bought a book which explained the more technical features of the game. Her marriage meant that much to her. He appreciated having a companion at his favorite pastime so much that he developed an interest in her favorite hobby - painting and art. What could have been a source of disunity actually became the occasion for growth. Their differences enriched their marriage.

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