Christ In The Home: God’s Plan For His Family
LACK OF CHARACTER IN THE MARRIAGE PARTNERS
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4. LACK OF CHARACTER IN THE MARRIAGE PARTNERSThe next reason for the failure of marriages is the lack of character in the people involved. Marriages fail because people fail! Character is the only real basis upon which a successful Christian marriage can be built. There is no substitute for it. The person who has "pep" and "vivaciousness" is undoubtedly attractive to the opposite sex. He or she gives promise of fun and gaiety, and we all like that. But that will not be enough! Remember: this is the person with whom you're going to share all -- things in your life--the little things as well as the big. This is the person who will be the mother/father of your children. Charm, wealth, popularity, or beauty will never be able to take the place of genuine character. There is also no substitute for moral purity. Some claim that pre- marital sex relationships are helpful to good marriage adjustment. But the truth is, that far from being valuable [and sinful], they could easily prove to be very detrimental. They can often ruin what otherwise might develop into a happy successful marriage. Dr. Wayne Anderson, in Design for Family Living, states positively that: "There is no definite research which substantiates the thinking that premarital intercourse will improve a couple's relationship. On the other hand, there are sound studies which suggest that the couple's relationship tends to deteriorate when intercourse is engaged in before marriage. One study found that those who engaged in premarital intercourse had a higher percentage of divorces than those who did not." Of course, the real issue for the Christian is that such practices are a sin against God. Some people have such terrible dispositions that they cannot be happy, whether married or not. Solomon said: Proverbs 21:9: "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." All of us know how annoying a dripping faucet is -- especially when you are trying to get to sleep at night. It may be that the wife does her work in the home well, but constantly complains about it...but women aren't the only ones who become contentious. Some husbands come home tired from a hard day's work and act like a sore boil -- sensitive to the touch! He sits down with the paper drawn closely before his face and dares anyone to disturb him. If the wife or children cause any commotion at all, he screams for "peace and quiet" and turns into an even more unbearable grouch. In this case it is the wife who would be better off on the housetop! Another trait of bad character which contributes to marital smashups is uncontrolled temper. Proverbs 22:24: "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered." If friendship with such a person is dangerous, what about being married to such a person! Another trait of bad character is selfishness. This attitude is completely foreign to the characteristics of love...Corinthians 13:5: "It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." Philippians 2:4: "Each of you should look not only to your own r', interests, but also to the interests of others." Another bad trait of character is pride: - proud people are generally ungrateful because they think everybody owes them something - could it be that pride keeps a husband from being grateful to his wife for the many things she does for him and the family? - could pride cause the wife to be unappreciative of the husband's hard work in providing for her and the children? Pride is especially dangerous when it causes persons to deny their mistakes. Many a bitter quarrel is the result of the guilty person trying to deny his\her fault and shift the blame to someone else. Pride keeps a people from saying "I was wrong. I am sorry." Many marriages would be saved if the couples would swallow their pride! 5. FINANCIAL PROBLEMS Difficulty over money is a primary factor in the failure of homes. The problem can often be traced to a couple who refuses to live within their income. Before the marriage, perhaps they had more freedom to spend as they wanted. There is the temptation to "try to keep up with the Joneses." This causes many couples to saddle upon themselves huge debts that will serve to create tensions and frictions for months and years to come. (This is such a vital area that we will spend 2-3 weeks discussing finances in the home soon). A general procedure which could be followed in handling a family's finances is: (1) set aside a definite amount of your income to be given to the Lord (10% is a good starting point); (2) put aside a regular percentage as savings, and (3) spend the remainder as wisely as possible, giving attention to essential expenses. The reason why this is such a good plan for handling the family's money is that it puts the Lord first. And people who put the Lord .;, \first when their money is involved are not likely to forget Him in the other relationships of life. 6. FRAGMENTATION OF FAMILY LIVING Another factor is what has been called "the fragmentation of family living." Only a few generations ago, when families lived in more rural areas, husband and wife and children were forced by natural circum- stances to become intimately involved in each other's life patterns. They worked together doing field work or farm chores and spent their evenings together around a big fireplace talking about mutual in-interests and enjoying one another's company. There is a danger that, in making lists of characteristics to consider in choosing a mate, we will leave the impression that one could not marry until he/she finds the perfect person. We must be realistic and accept the fact that no one is perfect. Benjamin Tillett once said: "God help the man/woman who won't marry until he/she finds a perfect woman/man, and God help him/her still more if he finds her/him." But today's urbanized and tightly organized society has taken this sense of intimacy away from family members. Father works in his office, mother works around the house and the children spend their day in school. When evening comes, they again go their own ways...the home is no longer a solidly-knit group, but has broken up into individuals who all go their separate ways. This kind of living has caused someone to define the home as "the place you go when nothing else is open." This is a tragic attitude which has been occasioned by the reality of the way Americans live! 7. LEAVING GOD OUT OF ONE’S HOME The question which should be of utmost importance is simply this: is he or she a faithful Christian? Your partner's spiritual life is more important than any of the physical and mental characteristics. In fact, since marriage is essentially a spiritual relationship, a common religious faith is the surest foundation upon which to establish a successful marriage. Religion can be a source of strength in marriage, but it can also become a storm center of conflict that separates instead of unifying. Unless both husband and wife are faithful Christians, the chances for complete success in that marriage are diminished. The couple may never stand in a divorce court, but their marriage will be incomplete be- cause they cannot share this most important area of life with each other...the area which leads to eternity. The Bible makes it quite clear that marriage between a Christian and a non-Christian is not sinful. Marriage is not a church ordinance and cannot be regulated by the decrees of the church. Whom one marries is an individual matter and not implicat law. But this is a far cry from saying that marriages between Christians and non-Christians are best, or even desirable. Statistics show beyond a shadow of doubt that religiously mixed marriages have considerably less chance of success than those where husband and wife are united in faith. What about when the husband refuses to attend services? How will that affect his sons? Will there be a distaste for the church because "she's gone for three hours every Sunday." * SOME QUOTABLE QUOTES ~ ILLUSTRATIONS ON MARRIAGE "The key to a healthy marriage is to keep your eyes wide open before you wed...and half closed thereafter." (Love is For a Lifetime, by James Dobson) "A bad marriage can depress the body's immune system. Unhappily married women have subnormal levels of white blood cells (which destroy infections) and increased herpes virus activity. Other immune System depressants: Stress and loneliness." (Janet Kiecolt-Glaser) "You probably heard about the newlyweds. On their honeymoon, the groom took his bride by the hand and said, "Now that we're married, dear, I hope you won't mind if I mention a few little defects that I've noticed about you." "Not at all," the bride replied with a deceptive sweetness. "It was those little defects that kept me from getting a better husband." "An individual is only half a person and spends his life looking for his missing half." (Plato: On Marriage) "The wedding ring is that small piece of jewelry placed on the finger that cuts off your circulation." "Leadership magazine carried a short item sent in by Cathern Paxton that illustrates the importance of letting God be uppermost in the marital relationship. She wrote, "A braid appears to contain only two strands of hair. But it is impossible to create a braid with only two strands. If the two could be put together at all, they would quickly unravel. Herein lies the mystery: What looks like two strands requires a third. The third strand, though not immediately evident, keeps the strand tightly woven." Then Paxton concluded, "In a Christian marriage, God's presence, like the third strand in a braid, holds husband and wife together." "Christ In The Home: God’s Plan For His Family” Series #14 ”How to Live With an Unbelieving Mate” What your partner believes about religion will have a vital influence on your marriage. Doctrines are not cold, lifeless, insignificant ideas. They have very practical consequences. For example, consider these questions? Who is God? What one believes about God determines whether the ordinary daily decisions of your marriage will be subjected to God's will or not. What is the Bible? Is the Bible the Word of God or not? What you both believe about the Bible will determine whether it will be read daily in your home, privately, and to your children; and whether it will be used to give guidance to all the activities in which you engage. What is prayer?Will you be able to clasp hands as husband and wife and pray together to God, giving thanks for His blessings, and making petition for His help? Can you pray together when the baby is sick, when the husband is without a job, when you are overwhelmed by indecision, or when death is a fact? What both of you believe about prayer becomes very important. How do you regard Sunday? Is it a day of worship and church activities? Will you have to carry the full load of getting the children a religious education -- all by yourself? As a wife, are you willing to do this while your husband spends his weekends on the lake, on the golf course, or in bed? As a husband, are you prepared to teach your children about God, Christ, the Bible, His church, without any help from your wife? Will it be done? What do you think about stewardship? What do both of you think about the Biblical command, "Upon the first day of the week, let everyone of you lay by him in store as God has prospered him?" This will determine the way you allocate your money? It will determine whether there will be feelings of guilt, conflict, and hostility when you give to the Lord's work, or fail to give will you be able to give to the church according to a pattern that you both willingly accept? What About Your Mutual Friends? Who will they be? Will they be people who will have different standards from yours? Will you enjoy their association? WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT TO HAPPEN TO YOUR OWN RELIGIOUS FAITH IF YOU MARRY SOMEONE WHO IS NOT A CHRISTIAN? One of four things can result: 1. You may lead your mate to become New Testament Christian. Without doubt, you will be his best hope. But it will be difficult if he is not a Christian before you are married. A survey conducted of nearly 2,000 Christians who married out of the church indicated that only about half of them were ever successful in converting their mates. And then, it often took many years. 2. You may continue in your divided state. According to the same survey, this happens to one-third of the time. In this kind of condition, many of the questions listed above become crisis points in one's marriage, and the children are constantly pulled in different directions. 3. Both you and your mate will drop out of both churches. Authorities report that this happens about 50% of the time in Catholic-Protestant marriages. When the husband and wife are of different beliefs, they tend to pull against each other and lose all interest in religion. 4. You will be led away from the Lord's church, with you either be- ~ coming a member of his/her church, or both of you will compromise and become part of a third church. This seems to occur in approximately 10% of the cases. "What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world, but lose his own soul?" (Mark 8:36) .In the history of the church, it has never been uncommon to find Christian women married to unbelieving husbands. The phenomenon is certainly not new. In the days of Christ's earthly ministry women remained at the cross, when men fled. A strange situation exists in society today. We have more readily available information about sex and marriage than ever before -- yet we have more marital problems and divorces than ever before. Obviously something is wrong. It is not sufficient to say that God is needed in these homes, because even many Christian marriages are falling apart. The fact that a man and a woman are both Christians is no guarantee that their marriage will succeed. Marriage is something that we have to work at; success is not automatic. And when one marriage partner is not a Christian, that can make matters even more difficult. What Peter tells us in these verses is that no matter what your marital status may be, you can learn the essentials for a happy and successful marriage! The third chapter of 1 Peter is a very interesting one. It continues admonitions already begun, but offers it to different family groups, giving advice to wives and husbands. Peter then follows it with encouragement for right conduct in the lives of all Christians. 1 Peter 3:1: "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands. . ." The phrase "in the same way" refers us back to Peter's discussion of the example of Jesus Christ (2:21-25). Just as Jesus was submissive and obedient to God's will, so a Christian husband and wife should follow His example. Twice in this paragraph Peter reminded Christian wives that they were to be submissive to their husbands (vs. 1, 5). The word translated "subjection" is a military term that means "to place under rank." God has a place for everything; He has ordained various levels of authority (see 1 Peter 2:13014). It is the general teaching of the Bible that the husband is the head of the wife (1 Tim. 11:3). This is God's order of creation (1 Tim. 2:13), and it was reaffirmed r":'" in the penalty following the fall: Genesis.3:16 "To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." While submission is an obligation of the Christian wife, it is also an opportunity. God not only commands submission, but He uses it as a powerful spiritual influence in a home! The subjection of wives to husbands is to apply to those whose husbands are not Christians as well as to others: "so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives." Some women are married to men so prejudices that they will not even listen to the preaching of the gospel message. They may be won, however, in some instances without a word being spoken, if the women live inn the proper way before them! This does not mean that the Christian woman "gives in" to her unsaved husband in order to subtly manipulate him and get him to do what he desires. This kind of selfish psychological persuasion ought never to be found in a Christian's heart or home. An unsaved husband will not be converted by preaching or nagging in the home. Wives who "preach" at their husbands only drive them farther from the Lord. But she can influence him greatly! How does this happen? "...when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." Not only is submission an obligation and an opportunity ...it is also an ornament. This proper conduct includes not only the subjection mentioned, but chaste behavior and modest dress. There are times when it is better to let people see Christianity lived without being beseiged with words (preaching or otherwise). "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. {4} Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” The right conduct is to be backed up by modesty in personal dress and manner. Peter is not forbidding any of the things absolutely. If he were, it would be wrong for women to wear clothes at all, for Peter forbids the adornment to be the wearing of "fine clothes." The point? Peter warned the Christian wife not to major on external decorations but on internal character. These things are not to be emphasized in such a way as to be vain displays and to call undue attention to the woman! Roman women were captivated by the latest fashions of the day, and competed with each other in dress and hairdos. It was not unusual for the women to have elaborate coiffures, studded with gold and silver combs and even jewels. They wore elaborate and expensive garments, all for the purpose of impressing each other. “For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, {6} like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” Peter likely had in mind the whole range of godly women in the Old Testament. They were holy wives: that is, wives dedicated or consecrated to God rather than to worldly wives. They had their hopes set on God. What they devoutly wished for and worked to attain had its frame of reference in God and His ways. Such women, Peter says, practiced the quiet and meek submission which he is admonishing. Sarah is singled out among the great women of old as an example of this kind of adornment. Doing good and not fearing are thus the right results in their lives as Sarah's children. 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