III. POSITIVE PURPOSES OF SEX IN A HEALTHY MARRIAGE

VII. COMMUNICATING AFFECTION IN MARRIAGE

1. 
   "I love you." (often, daily)
   
2. 
   "I need you."
   
3. 
   Compliments to spouse. "I can live a month on a good compliment." -Mark Twain
   
4. 
   Compliments about spouse.
   

B. Non-Verbal (Verbal is Meaningless, Hollow, Insulting Without the Non-Verbal.)

1. 
   Attitude and tone behind the words communicate.
   
2. 
   Thoughtful of other's feelings in every word.
   
3. 
   Listen adoringly. There is a way of listening that surpasses all compliments." - Joseph von Ligne.
   
4. 
   Study your man's special needs. (One basic neurosis of men is to be compared unfavorably with others.) ,
   
   1. 
      To be sexually accepted.
      
   2. 
      To be respected.
      
   3. 
      To be admired.
      
   4. 
      To feel that he is needed.
      
   5. 
      To be appreciated.
      
   6. 
      To feel that he is really worthwhile. ,
      
5. 
   Study your woman's special needs. (One basic neurosis of women is the fear of being "used" and "discarded.")
   
   1. 
      Affection.
      
   2. 
      Assurance that she is loved.
      
   3. 
      Assurance that she is treasured. -- Love asks: "What does this person need?" and gives it! ..,
      
   4. 
      Security (both emotional and physical)
      
   5. 
      Her human dignity preserved. (Key: way husband feels about her).
      

C. Ways We Perceive Love.

1. Touch - kiss, embrace, sex

2. Sight - grooming, figure, cleanliness

3. Sound - music, voice, laughter

4. 
   Smell- perfume, cleanliness
   
5. 
   Taste - good meal
   

D. Ways We Express Love -,

1. 
   Giving pleasure – thoughtfulness
   
2. 
   Giving sense of security
   
3. 
   Giving protection
   
4. 
   Giving help
   
5. 
   Forgiveness
   
6. 
   Sacrifice
   
7. 
   Joy
   
8. 
   Togetherness
   
9. 
   Gentleness
   

VIII. THE CLIMATE OF LOVE

1. Genuine encounter (focused attention)

2. The safety of trust (free to be open without fear)

3. The safety of non-judgment (see person as separate from acts)

4. The safety of being cherished (loved "warts and all")

5. The safety of "owning" feelings (allow to be "human")

6. The safety of empathy (understand viewpoint without judgment, agreement or disagreement)

7. The safety of unique growing (free to develop in own direction and at own pace)
IX. CONDITIONS MOST IMPORTANT FOR SEXUAL RESPONSIVENESS IN WOMEN

1. 
   Good relationship between self and husband
   
2. 
   Privacy and freedom from intrusion
   
3. 
   Something "good" or "successful" occurred that day
   
4. 
   Not tense or depressed
   
5. 
   Not tired
   
6. 
   Modulation of light (semi-darkness)
   
7. 
   Not sick
   
8. 
   Be clean or smell good
   
9. 
   No time limit
   

X. SUGGESTIONS FOR HUSBANDS

1. Tell her you love her every day.

2. Never pass up an opportunity to give her sincere praise.

3. Always speak to others of her in a complimentary way.

4. Communicate but don't criticize.

5. Keep the spirit of courtship and romance alive in your marriage. Remember that a woman is aroused sexually by tenderness and thoughtfulness as well as by caressing and fondling.

6. Take plenty of time for sex. Too rapid sex often leaves the wife tense, angry and unsatisfied.

7. Discover the areas of her body which are particularly pleasurable.

8. Be careful of your cleanliness and personal hygiene.

9. Remember that your wife literally cannot respond as she and you would like if her feelings are hurt, if the bedroom is cluttered, or if the children are stirring in the next room.

10. Communicate to her that you need her.

1. Keep personal attractiveness at its very best.

2. Be careful to be clean and to take care of personal hygiene.

3. Take extended time for lovemaking away from all distractions.

4. Read some good books.

5. Let go all inhibitions and participate fully, eagerly in the experience.

6. Welcome his advances.

7. Become actively involved in foreplay.

8. Let him know what pleases you.

9.Be creative in initiating lovemaking.

10. Reassure him of his manliness.
NOTE: The husband's greatest love need is to be sexual accepted.


"Christ In The Home: God’s Plan For His Family” Series

#12 Workaholism: Deadly Killer of Family Life
Workaholism is a deadly killer, and yet every day many people accept workaholism as a normal way of life. Tom Peters, co-author of In Search of Excellence, observed that he is in favor of one having balance in all areas of life. However, while he believes in balance, he is quick to confess his inability to achieve it in his own life. Excellence in work and excellence in family time are often far apart.

Can one become successful vocationally and avoid the high cost of workaholism? What drives a person to work sixty to ninety hours a week? What is causing the work time for most Americans to increase 20% more today (from 40 to 48 hours a week) than in 1973? What does the future hold for families when both mom and dad are spending inordinate time away from children and each other?

On January 4, 1990, The Wall Street Journal carried an article asking one additional question "Are We All Working Too Hard?" The subtitle declared: "No Time for God or Family." Mr. Hunnicutt, the author of the article, makes the insightful observation that "Americans now view work as an end in itself—the more of it the better." We find free time threatening, and so run back to the security of "finding new problems to solve, new and 'serious' tasks to perform, new frontiers to open and more work to do."

More serious than just working too many hours, Hunnicutt believes, is the tendency to answer traditional spiritual questions such as "Who am I?" and "Where am I going?" in terms of work rather than traditional religion. All of this seems to be leading toward a lifestyle that adds significant speed to the fast lane. Time for reflection and the evaluation of critical life issues are endlessly deferred.

Is this a problem just for top executives in their mid-fifties who find it difficult to go home, or rather, is this a problem for adults at every level of the life cycle? Lees take a look.

Entering Adulthood (Ages 22-27) — Just graduated from college, both Todd and Anne Marie, his wife of six months, have entry-level jobs. They have quickly discovered that to "get ahead" they must work fifty or more hours each week. They have decided that Anne Marie must get established in her career before starting a family. They arrive home each evening after 7:00 with little time for interaction. Both work most Saturdays; therefore, Sunday is their only day of rest. But they promise themselves it will not always be this way. Someday they will be "established" in the work world, and there will be more time for each other and a family. For the time being they wear "business" like a badge. It declares their importance and their busy ness. And the busier they are, the more important they are.

Todd and Anne Marie have fallen into the trap which promises "tomorrow life will be better," that says when they get established they will have more time. Unfortunately, it may take until midlife or beyond for them to realize that "today is all there is."

Recommendation: Young couples need to make themselves accountable to each other during the early years of marriage. They must establish spiritual priorities as well as vocational priorities; otherwise, they will find themselves substituting work and business for traditional religious values. As a "rule of thumb" young couples should spend at least thirty minutes a day talking, sharing, and reminding one another of what is really important in life and their marriage.

Thirty Transition (Ages 28-33) — These are the "Eager Beavers." At this stage, a foothold has been established in the world of work, but now it takes more time than ever to distinguish one's self from the rest of the pack. Surely Charles Swindoll had this group in mind when he wrote his book Living on the Ragged Edge.

Lee just turned thirty. Each day seems a lot like the day before. He gets up at five a.m. and is at the office by seven. Real estate has not been great in the past four years, so the average workday is twelve to fourteen hours long. Seventy-hour weeks are common. In fact it seems to Lee that all he does is work. His wife Mary stopped teaching a few years ago to have their three children, and Lee feels responsible to provide the equivalent of the two salaries they once earned.

It is not unusual for the children to be in bed already when Lee gets home from work. Seldom do they have a meal together, and because of exhaustion and financial pressure, Lee seldom initiates conversation with Mary. Mary feels neglected and trapped by the three children that she rears alone. When Lee and Mary do talk, they almost always dream of the future when the real estate market will be better and the children will be older and less demanding.

Recommendation: In Living on the Ragged Edge Swindoll challenges his readers to evaluate their values carefully. Values are clarified only when one disengages from the constant pressure of work and spends time wrestling with spiritual priorities and what really matters. In addition to "quiet times" couples need to be intimate enough to listen to the counsel and recommendations from each other. One's mate can and should make the other account able for long hours, insensitivity to children, and disregard for the body's need for rest and relaxation. It remains true today that "the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother," and that takes time, lots of time.

Don survived the turbulent thirties and now feels secure in his job and future. He is not required to work the unusually long hours characteristic of earlier years, but he finds himself working long hours because it is his choice. As a manager of a division, his day is filled with meetings, phone calls and interesting tasks. He enjoys the authority and his more than adequate salary.

Now that Don has many free weekends, he finds that the children have their own activities and often spend Friday nights with friends instead of with the family. Don feels guilty about being absent during his children's elementary years, but he tries to make up for those lost years by providing everything the children want. When Sally tries to talk to Don about working less, he becomes irritated and delivers the same speech over and over: "I work hard so you and the kids will have everything you want. It takes a lot of time to earn enough money to keep this family housed, clothed, and fed. It's going to cost a fortune to send all four children to college. Someday there will be more time, but not for several more years."

Recommendation: Possessions are expected to bring satisfaction, but they never do. "Contemporary culture is plagued by the passion to possess," begins Richard Foster in Freedom of Simplicity. He encourages all adults, especially workaholics, to reflect on how "more can be less." The important need is not more possessions, but rather authentic lives and deep relationships. Mates and children need our presence rather than so many presents.

Aging parents and adolescent children sandwich midlife adults between two demanding issues: money for the children's college education and appropriate care for elderly parents. This transition often causes men to stop, and reassess the first half of life, and ask tough questions about their future. While his identity has been his work for the past twenty years, the man now often seeks a new identity in relationships and intimacy. He would like to work less, but the demands of life are weighty. He is the backbone of the family, the business, the community, and the church.

Alton is vice president of the company where he started as an accountant when he got out of college twenty-five years ago. When you ask him about work he says, "It's not fun any more. I have to make myself get up and go to work." You would expect Alton not to be a workaholic at this point in his life, but he is out of town twelve to fifteen of the working days each month. Offices in Houston and Chicago keep him on the go. Because of his wealth and power, Alton should have more than enough time for his family. However, after a week of serving as an elder in his church, president of the local Rotary club, and meeting with two of the five boards on which he serves, he has less time than ever.

Recommendation: Contrary to popular belief, adults at this age do not have to be "masters of the universe." While midlife adults are important to the community, they are not indispensable. They should relax. They have influence over what they do, how they spend their time, and what they will do with the rest of their lives. The present is always the best time—the only time—to celebrate with one's family.

By the time one gets to the last two decades of a career, workaholism is often less of a problem. Children are gone and the "empty nest" is a reality. One hopes that earlier issues of finances, work identity, guilt about family absences because of work, and other family issues have been resolved. If they are not, workaholism may continue to rob husbands and wives of the precious time that remains.

Delores Curran surveyed 551 individuals before she wrote her excellent book Traits of a Healthy Family. She wanted to discover what traits were commonly found in emotionally healthy families. Of fifteen traits, one is: "Healthy families share time together." Healthy families schedule at least one meal a day when everyone is present. Dads with demanding jobs refuse to schedule breakfast and dinner appointments on the same day. At least one mealtime each day is reserved for the family. Time with one's family gives balance and helps to stave off the deadly killer of family life. Curran lists five hallmarks of the effective family's approach to "shared time."

First, the family keeps its collective leisure time in balance. Second, the family prioritizes its activities. Third, the family prizes opportunities to spend time alone with individual family members. Fourth, the family controls television watching. Finally, the family plans how to use its time.

Controlling workaholism is as difficult as controlling alcoholism, overeating, abuse of substances, and other addictions. However, with God's help one can manage workaholism. Hunnicutt said it well in his Wall Street Journal article: "Work and economic growth are not ends in themselves but are means to healthy living and superior earthly and heavenly values."

Everyone enters adolescence with lots of "I'm not OK" feelings. Self-doubt seems to be part of the growth process. We may think everyone around us has life together, but we lack confidence in ourselves. And many of us never overcome this negative view of oneself.

Jeremiah was God's man. During Old Testament times he was called clearly and convincingly by God to be a prophet. In spite of God's obvious faith in him, Jeremiah seemed very uncertain about himself. Not only in his words to the people, but through his dialogues with God he reveals his many moods. His emotions rise and fall like a roller coaster. He soars in ecstasy as he delights in God, but he also falls into depression and decides that God is unreliable. Jeremiah could be very tenderly compassionate with others, or he could be sharply hostile toward those who hurt him.

I think we feel closer to a person who is "up and down" than we do to a person who always seems in control of his life. We all have our moments of discouragement when our confidence hits new lows.

Dr. Haim Ginott says that the lack of self-confidence often originates in earliest childhood when our family often makes us feel incapable of doing any task successfully.¹

Ginott suggests that nothing is more damaging to a child's self-image than sweeping statements made by parents or siblings: "You are lazy!" "You're sloppy!" "You're dumb!" "You're bad!" Such statements are a broadside to a person's self-image. The child concludes that he or she is worthless and cannot change.

Dr. Ginott urges parents to relate positively to the child at the level of being and confine their negative comments to the level of doing. This means that one can say to a child, "You are doing this in a sloppy way." "You are behaving in a lazy manner—this bothers me." This puts the criticism against the action of the child rather than against the personhood of the child. It implies that the child has the power to adapt his or her behavior. The child does not feel helpless.

Hypercritical parents bring the worst out in their children, while positive, reinforcing parents bring the best out in theirs. If we frequently suspect our children of the very worst, they decide, "If that is the kind of person you think I am, that is the kind of person I will be." On the other hand, if we trust our children, we build into them the integrity which can say in the face of temptation, "I can't do this wrong and disappoint the people who love me most."

How do we avoid having a critical home? Doesn't everyone find it necessary to criticize a spouse or a child at one time or another? Surely it is impossible to live with another person without being appraised by them and, in turn, appraising their actions. Jesus was sometimes critical of other people. If criticism seems necessary, how can we give positive criticism to others rather than destructive criticism?

First, criticism should always be for the other per son's good, not for our own satisfaction. Jesus never criticized any person except to improve that person's life. Can our criticism honestly pass this test? Do our words merely vent hostility? Are they building our pride, or are they words of love intended to build up the other person? If we pass the test of loving edification, we have a beginning toward giving criticism in a Christian manner.

Second, criticism should be built on complete honesty and fairness. We never know all of the facts about another person but we must be fair enough to get as many facts as possible before criticizing. When Ezekiel began his work as a prophet to the captives in Babylon, he said to the exiles: "And there where they were living, I sat among them for seven days—overwhelmed." He shared their experiences day and night for one week before offering criticism or suggestions to them. It helps if you learn the facts as thoroughly as possible before passing judgment.

Third, our criticism should never be final. Only God can make final judgments; our knowledge is too limited. We must always leave the door open for the criticized person to improve his or her actions. Helpful criticism challenges, perhaps even inspires, the other person to greater heights. Members of our families have a way of living up to or down to expectations.

Fourth, criticism must always be given in a spirit of humility. No matter what you find to criticize in another, you need help too - though perhaps in a different area of life. If we are to help one another, criticism must never be spoken by a superior to an inferior. Instead, one imperfect person always stands by another on level ground beneath a cross.

It is even more difficult to receive criticism with a Christian spirit than to give it. If criticism is to strengthen our families rather than to weaken them, we need help in learning to receive criticism gracefully.

First, when criticism comes, evaluate it and look for whatever is valid. Someone reported to Abraham Lincoln that Mr. Stanton had called him a fool. Lincoln replied, "Stanton is a wise man and if he called me a fool, I will look into the matter." Criticism may be the beginning of growth.

Second, realize that you may be able to help your critic. If you can be like a blotter and absorb unjust criticism, you may open the door for God to help your critic. But if you return anger for anger, you will only make your critic more defensive. You may recall the way the spiritual sums up Jesus' response to criticism: "He said not a mumbling word." The apostle Peter wrote, "live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic... compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing ..."²

Many marriages fail because the man and woman got married for the wrong reason to begin with.

For example, some marry to escape from their own unpleasant home environment. A girl may have been dominated by a harsh father who refused to understand her. Chances are that she will marry the first person who comes along -- not because she loves that person, but because he represents her chance to escape from her father. This kind of (marriage is doomed almost from the start).
Some marry as a result of physical attraction alone. This is usually the reason behind marriages where the two people have known each other only for a short time. A boy may "fall madly in love" with a beautiful girl and persuade her to marry him.
More likely than not, they will both soon learn that infatuation (generally based on physical attraction) is enough to get them married but is not enough to keep them married!
Still others get married because of pregnancy. A "forced" marriage hardly ever works out satisfactory, unless it involves two repentant people who can truly "start over," with God's help. The vast majority of marriages forced by pregnancy end up in divorce rather rapidly.
Two wrongs don't make a right! Generally speaking it is wiser for the girl to bear the illegitimate baby, give the baby to a reputable adoptive agency (for the baby's sake), forget the child's father, repent of her sin and receive the forgiveness of sin.
2. ENTERING MARRIAGE UNREALISTICALLY

Closely related to marrying for the wrong reason is the matter of It entering marriage unrealistically. There are many false ideas about Ii marriage. A great many marriages are resting on the Hollywood illusion of life and love. Most people take for granted that love is the only thing that really counts in marriage. The mass media have given the impression that love is a mysterious encounter of two "souls destined for each other," and that love's arrival and departure are quite beyond human control.

which they have not prepared themselves.

A third reason why so many marriages fail is immaturity on the part of the husband and/or wife. The average age for marriage is dropping consistently. And, in this same connection, it is interesting to note that the divorce rate for those who marry in their teens is six times higher than for any other age group! The obvious explanation for this high incidence of failure in early marriage is immaturity.

a. Marriage is serious business and there is much more to being serious than simply the wish or desire. Teenagers cannot have I enough knowledge about marriage to be serious about it.

a. You should be able to carry a reasonable load of emotional tension without blowing up. When you face annoyances and disappointments, frustrations, or difficulties, you must be able to face them without going to pieces, or getting sulky, or refusing to speak, or resorting to other silly, childish ways so often seen in the immature.

There are also some who marry hoping to reform and remake the one they think they love. They are actually in love with what their mate can become rather than in love with the mate as he is.