The Stupid 365 Project, Day 10: Creative Weight Loss
October 10th, 2010
About ten years ago, I let my weight get up to almost 300 pounds. (I would have used a photograph of me from that time, but honesty goes only so far.)
Realizing that a family of four could have lived in my trousers, I lost 115 pounds and maintained my weight at approximately 185 for about eight years. Then, 18 months ago, I quit smoking. (Yes, I actually smoked.) And over the next 14-15 months, I gained almost 50 pounds.
So now I’m losing again — about 16 pounds so far, with about 35 to go.
All of this is to qualify, as they say in AA, that I have been fat and lost weight. During my periods of expansion and contraction, I have embraced every conceivable diet plan, gimmick, visualization technique, mantra, dodgy drug, and approach to exercise. Ultimately, I’ve created four approaches of my own. These are all trademarked, but you’re free to try them.
These are, by the way, absolutely guaranteed to work.
So first I’ll state the basic principle of each and then I’ll illustrate it with an actual recipe.
ALTERNATIVE CONSUMPTION: Simply put, this involves eating the foods we love, but differently. Sound complicated? Not at all. Love eggs? Try this tomorrow for breakfast.
Eggstravaganza
You’ll need: A mixing bowl and a whisk; plastic wrap; and a muffin tin.
Ingredients: Six egg; 1/2 cup heavy cream; 2 tbsp finely chopped chives; salt and pepper to taste.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Break eggs into mixing bowl and add heavy cream. Sprinkle chives over surface of egg mixture. Add salt and pepper and whisk eggs briskly; the secret to fluffy eggs is beating air into the mixture. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and refrigerate. Put eggshells, broken side up, into muffin tin, put tin on highest rack in oven, and reduce heat to 325. Leave it for eight minutes. Remove tin from oven and allow shells to cool. Lick inside of shells.
The beauty of this recipe is that the eggs will remain fresh all day and the shells are still intact after you’ve enjoyed them the first time, so you can repeat this recipe, without even having to mix and scramble the eggs again, for both lunch and dinner.
DECONSTRUCTION: As we all know, in literary criticism, “deconstruction” is the term used to by the French (naturally) critic Jacques Derrida to describe his generally incomprehensible approach to textual analysis, which the American scholar J. Hillis Miller has thoughtfully explained as follows: Deconstruction is not a dismantling of the structure of a text, but a demonstration that it has already dismantled itself. Okay? Can we move on now? In dieting, that’s not what Deconstruction means. This is what it means.
Which Sandwich?
You’ll need: A bunch of stuff you’ve already got, and if it’s not at hand you’re probably not in your kitchen and should change rooms before proceeding with the recipe.
Ingredients: Two pieces of warm, oven-fresh sourdough bread; two tablespoons of high-fat mayonnaise; 1/3 pound of chicken or whatever you like in the middle of a sandwich, so whenever I say “chicken,” you just mentally replace it with whatever you like in the middle of a sandwich unless that’s tongue, because if you eat tongue sandwiches you can’t use my recipe; two thin slices of ripe heirloom tomato; mustard to taste; two peeled carrots.
Smear the mayonnaise thickly on both pieces of bread, on one side only because if you put it on both sides the sandwich is likely to squirt out of your hands when you pick it up. Layer the slices of chicken, or whatever it is other than tongue, so the edges protrude over the bread crust; this is an important visual symbol representing “bounty” by demonstrating that there’s a bunch of real stuff in this sandwich and it’s not some sickly little English tidbit with a transparent slice of cucumber hidden in the middle; place tomato on top of chicken (or etc.) and add mustard to taste. Then put the top piece of bread on, umm, on top and squeeze the sandwich gently to make the mayonnaise fluff out a little around the edges the way that lethal near-cheese does in photographs of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. (McDonald’s understands visual symbols of plenty.) Voila! as Jacques Derrida would undoubtedly say. Regardez le sandwich! Now carefully remove the bread, thickly coated with mayonnaise, and say out loud, “Five hundred and ninety calories.” Drop bread into garbage disposal. Remove chicken (if it’s tongue, skip this step because you have to eat it as a penalty for using it in the first place and I don’t want to hear about it) and say, “Three hundred and eighty-eight calories, high in fat,” and drop chicken into garbage disposal. Repeat with tomato, but don’t bother saying anything because, hell, it’s only a tomato.
Turn on garbage disposal. Eat carrots.
SHAKE AND BAKE
Well, this one is a really innovative exercise/recipe combination, but I’ve gone on too long. I’ll do Shake and Bake and my other surefire technique next time I haven’t got anything to write about.
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14 Responses to “The Stupid 365 Project, Day 10: Creative Weight Loss” -
Jeri Says:
October 10th, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Thanks, Tim. I have now completely finished the daily project and am eating my carrots.
I met a young man this morning. His name is Oliver and he is four years old today.
Oliver informed me that because today is his birthday, he gets to stay in the provincial museum for AS LONG AS HE WANTS TO, today.
There is hope for the planet. Love to Rose. Raspberry to Elena.
Jeri, in beautiful Victoria
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Jaden Says:
October 10th, 2010 at 5:13 pm
I can’t wait to read your Shake ‘N’ Bake diet, Tim. But for now, I’d better go find some carrots.
reCaptcha: Ovemen unlove
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Kari Wainwright Says:
October 10th, 2010 at 5:23 pm
First of all, congrats on quitting smoking. Been there, done that. Been there, done that. Been there… But at least the last time I was there, it finally worked and I haven’t been a smoker for over twenty years.
But now, I’m in need of a diet. Earlier this year, I managed to break both legs (not something I recommend) and was laid up for quite a bit. Thing is, people brought me food and I thought it was rude not to eat it, so now I’m plumper than I was before.
Your diet plan sounds like a real winner so I’m off to lick some eggshells because I think Jeri ate all the carrots.
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Timothy Hallinan Says:
October 10th, 2010 at 6:39 pm
Jeri, remember, it’s only two carrots. And on a young man’s fourth birthday he may do anything he wants. Rose says “Sawatdee, kha.”
Jaden, the Shake ‘N Bake diet is truly revolutionary. Some day soon, I’m sure.
Kari, I also quit and quit and quit. At one point I’d been tobacco-free for six or seven years and I was in my apartment in New York about ten in the morning when someone called to tell me my house in Los Angeles had burned to the ground. I said, “I’ll call you back” and went down to the deli on 55th and bought a pack of Marlboro Lights and smoked the whole pack by about 2 PM.
But this time it’s for quits. And if one ever needs an excuse for putting on some weight, breaking both legs is really persuasive, even without the extra pathos of having to eat people’s food so you don’t hurt their feelings.
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EverettK Says:
October 10th, 2010 at 6:53 pm
Smoking: haven’t been there , never did that (well, okay, ONE PUFF when I was 11 years old… I was smart enough even then to know lungs were not designed to contain anything you can see).
Weight loss: I was 145 lb. in high school, college, and 15-20 years after that, then went to seed and put on 10 pounds. I’ve been looking for a weight-loss program that could guarantee results, and I think I’ve found it. Fortunately, it’s not yours.
But thanks, anyway, as I and my wife haven’t laughed so much since our tickle-fest last week…er… wait, I don’t think I really wanted to mention that in a public forum…
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Beth Says:
October 10th, 2010 at 8:04 pm
My brother’s two year-old grandson has already found a plan similar to your’s.
He requests a ham and cheese sandwich without the sandwich and chicken soup without the soup. He also asks for cake without the cake; my husband prefers it that way, too. Cake is only an excuse for frosting.
The baby has the advantage of being active so even some cake without the cake is okay for him on occasion. He has the exercise part down perfectly. That’s the part I can’t manage.
I’d rather read.
I have never smoked but I have heard nicotine is the most difficult thing to quit. Everyday not smoking banks a few good breaths for tomorrow.
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Pat Browning Says:
October 10th, 2010 at 9:43 pm
As you said, been there, done that. My good old family doctor told me for years (back when even doctors smoked) that he’d tell me to quit but I’d gain weight. At the time, he considered gaining weight a cardinal sin. After smoking for years I did quit cold turkey because I got tired of hearing my husband nag — and yes, I did gain weight. And I haven’t been able to lose it. Too old to run around the block, and I like to cook. Can’t lose for winning. But good luck with your diets!
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fairyhedgehog Says:
October 11th, 2010 at 1:51 am
I need to lose about a stone (14lbs) but I’m not desperate enough to try your diets yet!
At the moment I’m using the “only eat food” diet. So chocolate, biscuits, cakes and pudding are out. Watch this space!
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Jeri Says:
October 11th, 2010 at 9:58 am
And sawatdee, kha to Rose. Thank you for the quick language lesson, and thanks be to all gods for the internet, where I can look the phrase up without leaving my desk chair.
Small world report: Yesterday I was scrounging around a grotty little bookstore in James Bay village, on Vancouver Island, Canada and found a copy of The Man With No Time, written by Timothy Hallinan, copyright 1993. It came home with me. it’s on my TBR pile.
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Timothy Hallinan Says:
October 11th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
People who never smoked are so INFURIATING (he said to Everett) and it’s even worse when they talk about it. And poor you, ten pounds. I’ve had fingers that weight ten pounds. (Glad you thought it was funny — you and I seem to be alone in that opinion. I laughed myself stupid writing the sandwich.)
Beth (another “never smoked”), first, your nephew is my kind of kid. Cake is, after all, just a medium for frosting. And I’ve quit EVERYTHING except the substances delivered by hypodermic (the only ones I never used), and cigarettes are ten times harder than all the rest put together.
Pat, the first time I was fat it was gluttony spurred by dissatisfaction with my life. The second time it was just calories instead of cigarettes. All day and all night. You can get it off, of course — it’s just probably more trouble than it’s worth if you’re not in heart-damage territory.
FHH, a stone is a really substantial-sounding measure of weight. My diets are for the desperate, that’s for sure, and I haven’t even written up the other two. I actually got so fat at one point that I had to wear a seat-belt extender whenever I flew (and I was flying almost weekly) and there are few things more humiliating than watching the stewardess come down the aisle with that thing and knowing she’s stopping at your seat. Never again.
Jeri, what happened, before Google, to the estimated three billion queries Google receives each day? I don’t recall living in a state of benighted ignorance, but I must have. Sooo amazed there’s a copy of THE MAN WITH NO TIME anywhere in the world, much less in Vancouver. I really liked it when I reworked it for Kindle — hope you do, too.
Captcha is “ofooks came.” Everett????
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EverettK Says:
October 11th, 2010 at 6:09 pm
Obviously, Tim, your “standard photo” that you post everywhere is not current, based upon your moaning and groaning about how deep your feet sink into the earth as you walk…
As for “ofooks came,” any normal, sane, well-educated person would understand that ofooks is an African prince who was celebrating his marriage to his 14th wife…
Either that or it’s a run-on of “of ooks.” A google search for ‘ooks’ finds that Ooks pins have, for decades, been a popular way of hanging photographs of African princes celebrating their marriages…
But, seriously, in this context it’s almost certain that ‘ofooks’ is a phonetic transcription of what was shouted when the African prince was caught in bed with the 23rd wife of his father. It’s well known that African princes have difficulty with the ‘uh’ sound, which usually comes out as ‘oo’.
Now I have to go see what kind of ice cream I have in the freezer. It’s been almost 45 minutes since supper, and I’m STARVING!
No, TRULY seriously now, the reCaptcha page says, “Currently, we are helping to digitize old editions of the New York Times and books from Google Books.” Google has scanned in hundreds of thousands of books of all kinds, from fiction to non-fiction, English and non-English. Statistically speaking, at least SOME of those books had to have been written in Africa.
Oh, and along the line of your books, I picked up “Incinerator” and “The Man With No Time” at the local used book store today. They also had “The Four Last Things” but I left it for someone else. You said you didn’t remember liking Incinerator much, so I figured this way I’d have a copy in case you decided not to release it in an e-book version, and now I’ll have a copy of “The Man” to cross-check with when proofreading the e-book version of it. (But I’ll still buy the e-book versions of those two when they are available. We have to keep you in enough cash to buy food, as we don’t want you starving to death…)
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Sylvia Says:
October 12th, 2010 at 4:05 pm
I think not-smoking is much easier when you come to the realisation that you can’t be trusted with a cigarette. I *know* that if I have one, I’ll have a pack and then I’ll be a smoker AND fat.
I gained weight when I quit and I need your shake and bake recipe ASAP please.
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Jaden Says:
October 18th, 2010 at 2:42 pm
I smoked for one week in college, because I was in a play, and the director thought my character should be a smoker. After that week, I said, “I can either talk or smoke, but I can’t do both.”
She said, “I think your character would smoke.”
“I said, ‘Well I think my character is a control freak and would have quit.”
She sighed and said, “Well…if you think you can do it without smoking…”
Of course, no one in the audience ever said, “Gosh, what a great play…if only there had been somebody smoking!”
I was the worst smoker in the world, though. I could never figure out how to inhale–just sucked smoke into my mouth and blew it back out–and I could never get the darn things put out, so they would sit in the ashtrays and smolder, while the stage slowly filled with smoke.
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Timothy Hallinan Says:
October 18th, 2010 at 7:00 pm
Everett — I’d love to know what you think about “Incinerator.” I liked it when I wrote it, but it got one of only two really bad reviews I’ve ever gotten and it scarred me for life. I don’t know, maybe it’s fine.
Exactly right, Sylvia coughing and fat. Not a move in the right direction. I’ll get to Shake and Bake as soon as I think it when I’m starting a blog. I actually do have a system, but I don’t know what to pair it up with. Maybe it’ll be part of a sort of catchall post.
Love the story, Jaden. How things have changed — imagine anyone insisting on smoking in a college production these days? The director would have been tarred in melted politically correctness and run out of town on a wave of righteousness. I’m glad I don’t have to be around smokers any more, but I am heartily sick of a society based on righteous disapproval. The classic facial expression of the 21st century thus far is pursed lips.
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