Printing the book

When the father tried to choke me for yelling at him, I snapped, and left him for the last time. I went to Gainesville and tried to make a life for baby and me. Each place I rented, reneged on me, right after we moved in, and in utter desparation, I called my father, and asked him to come and get us in his company's jet.

It was a bad move.

He kept me out in the boonies again, like last time, only this time he foiled my escape. He intercepted our leaving on the child's 3rd birthday and instead diverted me into houston, where he succeeded in having psychiatrists lock me up for a year, while he got legal custody of my son. The hospital miraculously pronounced me cured on the day my insurance ended.

I crawled back to Denver to mend myself, and for ten years, refused to be budged out of the apt I got myself. I couldn't visit my son.

And maharaji had become a complete hypocrite. The ashrams had been closed during my hospitalization. Satsang was disbanded, and there were nothing but videos held. The community as we had known it, dissolved. We weren't allowed to discuss knowledge with new people anymore. I had four premie friends, but we never much mentioned maharaji. I went thru therapy. I joined a 12 step group for adult children of alcoholics. I worked for the mayor. I got lettters published in the papers. I went thru a domestic violence arrest wth the man I dated for 6 years, spent 4 days in jail and a year probation for it.

I went to metaphysics classes with premies in them, taught by non premies. I learned channelling, chakras, auras, crystals, other meditation techniques, but still went to see maharaji when he came to town. Still meditated, but it was not like before. I felt like I was crying in the wilderness. I felt that he was making a terrible mistake in the direction he was taking the whole thing.

As the 80's came to a close, I had reached irrevocable fallings-out with 3 of my four premie friendships. Two ended in court. One ended in cold rejection, over being used.

In the beginning of the 90's, I met a shaman man who had fantastic experiences to share. Then life brought me a young man, age 20 who wanted to learn what I knew. He moved in with me as his mentor.We had angelic visitations, astral traveled together, the Doors between the worlds opened, and we moved back and forth between the dead and the living at will.

It was this last that finally moved us to uproot and move to Los Angeles in 1993. We had divine orders from the angels and other celestial personages to go there and do what we would be shown to, Los Angeles was a phantasmagoria. The grand hope failed. He left me for a street girl. I had a nervous breakdown and put myself back in the psych hospital. The 12 steps gave me back my stability to check out and go home again. I got into another relationship with a strange and dramatic man, almost married him, and that too ended in a domestic violence arrest -- he at knifepoint, wreaking havoc to our home. My original friend came back, left again, returned, but moved in with his street buddies in a drug soaked haze.

Meanwhile my son has been found to have schizophrenia in his first week at college. had gone to psych lockdown and been taken off the class register. His father in CT, at my request, had gone and retrieved him and tried for three months to take him in and handle him, but the grandparents couldn't take any more of it. so they packed him up and send him back to me, after keeping him to themselves for 16 years. And I had to hit the ground running, to rope him in, find us a home before the boyfriend came back from jail, get him care, and somehow absorb the events of my life.

I went to see maharaji up until april 25th of last year. I snapped at that program.

I couldn't stand the falsity, the airs, the egos I saw and felt and heard at those programs. These were people, faces I had known since I was 20, who now looked right thru me, and didn't know me! My genuine greetings went unanswered. I may as well have been invisible. It was surreal, insulting and very cold.

Those who did speak to me were pompous asses, full of themselves and repugnant.

I went there alone and I came home alone, and I was so glad to see my neighbors: real people, without Knowledge, who were my friends, who knew me, who understood me.

I finally declared myself an Ex in october of last fall. Went on the forum and have been there ever since.

It isn't perfect, but it's real. I can say what I never could in the cult. I can arrive at my own answers. I don't have to hide anymore. My family still hasn't made up for what they did, to my son and me, to my money (it all got spent on the damned hospital and jail bail), but maharaji is gonna pay for what he did. I am so glad I made the decision to Ex before my son could ask for knowledge.... I would much rather he studied true yoga.

Daniel T
After somewhat accidentally bumping into the EPO website last night, I found myself unable to break away and spent many hours sifting through the mountains of fascinating information here. However this is not the first time I paid a visit. I took a look here several years ago. At the time I found the tone of the editorial writings to be annoyingly vitriolic and really unproductively primitive (fatboy jokes etc.). As a result, I couldn’t take the website very seriously and thought that the people making it needed to get a life (after Maharaji).

As a result, I was really flabbergasted to see how the site has evolved over the years. The silly invectives have mostly been replaced with an unbelievable collection of cult documentation and insider revelations. I must then sincerely offer my compliments and thanks for the obvious amount of effort and good work that have gone into it. I also must admit that I was perhaps too quick to judge the merits and motivations of your online pursuits. Although I myself wasted enough precious years involved in this brain-sucking void of carpetbaggery, I have not experienced the kind of suffering that many of you obviously endured. I see too that I didn’t recognize the extent of my own damage, as the course of reading through the material here has stirred a process in me again as well. I can now certainly see that simple “name calling” can also have its cathartic benefits, though I still think the aims of the website are best served when the contributors stick to the facts.

Once again, I think this website is performing a great service to anybody who has been, is or might consider becoming involved in the “M” thing. Indeed from a purely anthropological perspective, it is apparently the only accurate documentation of a complex and anomalous phenomenon which affected the lives of countless people. One might compare it to the Salem witch trials for example.

Having said that, I sit hear now both awestruck and sick in the stomach as to what I have just read – especially from Michaels Dettmers and Donner. Although many of these things I had heard about as unsubstantiated rumors, to now read first person accounts of the extremes of excesses of M and some of his partners in crime is overwhelming. It has also caused me to rediscover a pool of thoughts and memories that I thought were long gone. Even the story of Jagdeo jostled a few long encrusted cortical synapses to reanimation. This weird business about “childrens’ satsang” and his “special affinity” for children definitely rings a bell somewhere in me. Unfortunately I can’t remember whether I heard that from him directly or from someone else. I also remember hearing some unwholesome inuendos at the time about him - I think concerning ashram “sisters”. Mostly I just remember him being a pain in the ass though.

The story about Anne Johnston also touched me deeply. Although she was not particularly liked by many premies, I really liked her, I suppose precisely because she was so intense. At least she wasn’t so milquetoast boring like so many others. Actually she was rather an individualist in her own way and definitely had personality. That M would just abandon her like that breaks my heart! It is unfathomable. This whole thing makes me realize that I actually never really liked M so much, I think I more liked the idea of M and K. That whole open shirted “Miami Vice” look of his in the late 70s always turned me off. I had a hard time relating to the continuous accolades as to how sexy and beautiful he was. He looked more like a sleazy gangster to me. I guess at the time I believed that I needed to open up to this avatar reality and “let go” of my assumptions and external judgements. In fact, the first time I spoke with an “initiator” to receive knowledge, I honestly told her I was alienated and somewhat frightened the one time I had seen M at a festival. This obviously naive and at the time strategically unsound answer (naturally I was asked to wait) I now understand as an astute intuition.

I was one of the apparently few people to get K around 78. I was 18 at the time and had been going to meetings on and off for a few years (since I was 15). I had just missed the boat of getting K really easily. At that time, to get K you had to already be completely devoted to M. For about a year I had been going to the ashram and doing “service” there, going to “aspirant meetings” and going to festivals. After the big day came, I tried in my young innocent exuberance to be completely true to M and my promise to give my everything. I took it very seriously. I meditated usually 4 hours a day and spent most days at the ashram doing service. This went on for a year, when I was allowed to move into the ashram myself. This was also when my spiritual life more or less ended. Shortly thereafter, someone in the ashram noticed that I was intelligent and I got put to work organizing that weird premie business of importing Mexican kitsch and selling it on the streets. So basically what I thought would be my entrance into a spiritual shelter became my introduction into the world of capitalist enterprise. Unlike all the ashram premies around me (and many who were not in the ashram) I always seemed to have a load of cash in my pocket. I spent almost every day counting money and thinking about strategies to increase our sales. I also found my celibate and virgin self selling our wares in topless (and mostly topped) bars where my underage would have prevented me from even patronizing. I remember that during that whole first plane fiasco, there was this incredible fundraising drive going on. I managed with the help of some other people to set a whole whirlwind selling mania into motion and literally dropped about $20,000 on the community coordinator who was sitting on the floor. (I remember being suspicious as to whether the money would actually get to M. At this point I would have been relieved had the CC taken the money and flown to Mexico.)

I guess up until this point, the whole issue of M’s lifestyle and money never really bothered me. It seemed irrelevant. As long as people were giving out of a genuine sense of love then who cares how many cars M buys. What did bother me was when there would be these hysterical fundraising drives. Then giving out of love became giving out of coersion and guilt. These firebrand speakers would get sent around the country to berate people into coughing up. This also happened at some of the festivals notably from Joe Anctil and I think also Dennis M. Although I found this annoying, I guess I still didn’t make the association directly with M. I thought that this was just some weird people around M. (Don’t they realize this isn’t what M is about?) It also seemed that sometimes these fundraising speeches would all too often preempt the satsang that was supposed to be going on.

Then the plane thing happened. I guess that was exciting at the time. After that alot of weird things happened concerning the ashram and of course the outrageous selling of the plane. Eventually I found myself on the street like everyone else. I imagine I was pissed off, but I’m not sure at who really. I guess I was still venting my frustration toward the “confused” people around M. At this point I didn’t exactly leave, I just gradually stopped participating, although I guess I meditated still for some years. I really wanted to distance myself from the whole weird premie world and start enjoying life again – with all its exciting ups and downs.

I know that one incident happened that more or less did me in. This was I suppose during the start of the revisionist policies (although certainly some of that had already taken place in the 70s). Some fundraising troops were being sent out around the time the ashrams were closing with what was supposed to be a “very important” message from M or something along those lines. All of a sudden these people were walking around with charts and graphs to “prove” that M really didn’t have any money and that he desperately needed funds to continue his important work. I mean you don’t have to be a genuis to figure out that if he was broke, then there must have been a pretty large black hole somewhere in the stream of finance. I couldn’t believe that intelligent people were buying (and also trying to sell me) this bald-faced lie. This was a strange new change in tactic and an insult to my intelligence and I thought I’m not giving a dime anymore. I think it was also around this time that all of the old videos were being collected and sent back. Now we know why! Of course it was obvious what was going down. I actually wanted to steal of couple of the videos or make copies - not because I needed to see them for the 300th time - but because I suspected that a day would come when their existence or at least their access would be denied.

The process of savagely reading through all the material on this website has caused my brain to go into overdrive. The rather enormous premie universe, which had become somewhat of a half-forgotten dream, has vividly returned to my consciousness to commingle with all this new information. My thoughts have been running wild as my brain restructures and corrects this awoken universe to encompass all this new information. I had never really gone so far with my feelings as to accept what a bastard M is/was. To be fair I was also lacking the cold facts.

I also realize that I have repressed alot of my feelings about the situation. A few years after I stopped participating I got involved in a very unhealthy gay relationship that lasted about 7 years. It is one of those things that people like to label “co-dependent”. My partner was often quite pyschologically and verbally abusive to me. I in turn directed all of the lost devotion I once had for M toward my new lover. (At least he was a lot more exciting and sexy!). Indeed my lover had many similar qualities to M (though NOT physically). He was very bossy, demanding, insecure, irrational and liked to blame others (me) for things. By the time I got out of this relationship I had lost all of my self-esteem. It took several years to get it back and I still have some scar tissue. Tthat was ten years ago.)

I realize now that this whole “journey” started way before M. I have a very problematic relationship with my father. As I became a teenager, I was desperately seeking a father figure or role model to fill the void. I looked for this in several men including M. All were insecure self-centered bastards who pretended to be self-assured. They were all my heroes, although I only got sexually involved with one. That I still needed to go through this after M shows that I was far from over it.

An amazing thing has changed in me after sifting through this website. I realize how extraordinary many ex-premies were and are. At the time I had alot of animosity toward premies and I realize now that this animosity was completely misdirected. Indeed what made the whole circus so rewarding at the time was the incredible sincerity, optimism, desire for purpose in life and deep-seated intelligence in so many of you - despite the negative energy coming from M. This is a genuine revelation for me which I only have all of you who have contributed to this website to thank. Of course this is exactly what we were taught not to think at the time. Everything that was positive in our lives came from M and the rest of us were garbage. Oh my god is this sick!

This is not to forget of course that there were alot of opportunists among us - many of whom I lived with and had to pay the rent for. But such is life!

There is one more thing I would like to say. One of the things that originally turned me off from this website is that some people seemed to want to blame M for everything that happened to them. Although one can certainly not be indifferent to the tremendous amount of manipulation that was forced upon our impressionable minds, I am completely convinced that a crucial step to regaining one’s life – indeed to becoming a whole and mature person – is to take responsibility for your life. This means the good things as well as the bad. This applies to everyone, not just ex-premies. My aging father has still not learned this, and obviously neither has M. So many people I meet are bitter. Blaming other people for what happens to you and feeling sorry for yourself is a sign of immaturity and a dead end. One of the aspects of being a “devotee” is giving the responsibility of your life to someone else. Please don’t become a “devotee” of hate! I accept my mistake in doing the M thing. I also accept the credit for putting my life back together and having a beautiful time of it today. M is certainly not a happy camper and someday he will choke on all his expensive toys. If half of what has been said on this website is true, I am quite sure that I am enjoying my life way more than he is.

Needless to say I would still like to see an end to his shenanigans. It is terrible to see how predatory people like him continuously take advantage and squeeze the sincerity and vitality out of young (and a few not so young) hearts.

Thanks for reading this and I hope some of you find it helpful. I would be happy to correspond or speak with anyone who would like some support.

By the way, just for closure, the relationship which I described ended in 1993. Since then I am living in Berlin, Germany, am very happily married (with a woman oddly enough) and own a successful and fun design business.

Sofi
It was in 1990 when I received knowledge. I was an Orthodox Christian but I had lost faith when I was studying for the department of Philosophy in the University. For years I was in a desperate position. In 1984 I was divorced and got more unhappy. Until 1986 when I met marijuana. I started smoking like crazy. At last! Something was helping me to get happier or at least forget the misery of my life working not as a teacher, as I was hoping getting my University diploma but in a bank.

It was the first time then that I came in touch of eastern philosophy. In 1987 my brother met a girl who was a student of Maharaji since 1974. She told us how beautiful is knowledge, etc. I went to hear him but I found at least naive his sayings.

In Decemeber 1989, after a small illness, being in my brother's house I first read Castaneda. I was amazed. I started reading his books with much attention. Then I got out of my mind for 15 days. My parents took me to psychiatric help. Then I realised that I was needing a living master, like Castaneda.

So in March 1990 I became an aspirant and I thought I was very lucky because the events were almost every day because Maharaji would be come in my country in July to give knowledge! It was the first time I had friends of my own. Friends that had the same preferences in philosophical quest as I had. I was very happy and got happier when I received knowledge from Maharaji himself in a luxurious hotel of my town. All kept telling me how fortunate I was to get knowledge from him himself! So I started practicing because I was decided to give knowledge a "fair chance". Like T.D., I was awake in 5.30 p.m. practicing knowledge for an hour.

In the same time I was introduced to Tai Chi and also a centre of self discovery that later I found that it was dominated by Sai Baba. Also I was introduced in the books of Osho that I found more than interesting, in Reiki therapy. I discovdered I Ching and kept asking it as well as the Tarot of Osho.My personal life was a misery still but knowledge was so promising and I was certain that my misery came from the ignorance of myself.

Three years passed. I was making the techniques every day at least one hour but when I had time three, four and even sometimes five hours per day. In 1993 I was convinced that I could find the ultimate with my body. So I left my job, I left my family without any news and began the journey for the truth, free now. "Maharaji helped me find my freedom", I was saying.

I ended up in a psychiatric clinic in January 1994 and remain there for 20 days.When I got out I could no more be alone as all these years after my divorce, so I went live with my parents. I was in pills and could not even speak. I was walking like a robot. In October the therapist allowed me to cut the pills. In December I went in the event of Maharaji in Long Beach. I found it an extra experience and was very happy. My brother who is lawyer helped me to get back to my job and so in April 1995 I went for the third time to the event of India where I met my current husband. "Maharaji gave me even my companion", I thought and was totally happy.

But in November 1995 my husband told me that he had understood that Maharaji was a liar and so for two years we were in fighting. He told me also about the book "The Last Universal Dictator", of Dwight Kinman and the conspiracy of New Age, New Order, New Era, etc. I stopped to go to the events and also to practice the techniques, but inside me I was not believing him even when he saw me the ex-premie organisation site.

Then December last year, the miracle happened. I read a book of a Saint Father, Father Paisios. I prayed to the Holy Ghost to give me a proof if Maharaji is one of the members of the Antichrist. I opened the book "The Gift" that I had bought in the Indian bajaar into his indian ashram and there, in the begging I saw that all the telephones begin with the number of the Antichrist.

From that day I found out that the techniques that Maharaji gives are luciferian techniques and that Maharaji is one of the feet of the big octopus of New Age. Now I confessed and hope that Lord Jesus would accept me with Him.

I wish all of you who read this and are still in one of this traps understand the Truth before it's too late. Lord Jesus may be with us. Amen

Seeker of Truth

Hi. This is my first time on the Internet. I've recently finally woken up to how I've been deceived by M. It's taken a few months for the upset to subside. The process has been helped by lots of contemplation, counselling and the Internet. I now feel liberated, awake, alive and ready to tell my story.

I received K in '72. Did 'full time service' and lived in ashrams until '76. But M's world was so dysfunctional I resigned and disassociated myself from D.L.M. until '81 when I gave it another go. Despite the fact that M had changed his image, the dysfunctional stuff was still the same and I dropped out yet again.