Printing the book

The review itself seemed to lay down the law about the exact way in which to practice the meditation. This surprised me as I had previously been to many reviews where slight variations on the physical positioning and so forth had been described, and had been told by initiators that such considerations did not matter so long as there was sincere effort and you were in tune. The present knowledge review seemed so different from the magic of previous years. I felt that what had been part of a mystical revolution had been transformed to something which felt like a hotel business conference .

The crunch for me came in the Question and Answer session after lunch. I disagreed with many of the answers that Guru Maharaji gave or thought they were so ambiguous that they made no sense to me. One chap asked how he could reconcile the practice of knowledge with his job, which involved gaining huge profits for a capitalist City company by misleading clients, if not downright lying. Guru Maharaji just said "don't worry about it - such things go with the territory" - questionable ethics, I thought. This sparked off other questions about practising knowledge in difficult situations/environments. Each one seemed to get Guru Maharaji more irritated as each time he gave the same answer along the lines of 'I have given you the greatest gift and all you do is put obstacles in the way of practising it'.

Finally a sweet little old lady got up and started to say something innocuous about her meditation and family life. Before she could finish Guru Maharaji appeared to reach the end of his tether - which probably had more to do with the previous questions than the one she asked - and she became the recipient of a lengthy admonishment on not appreciating the value of knowledge, and how he was doing all he could, and if it was not working correctly there was no one to blame but yourself for not following the instructions. I can't remember exactly what was said. I just remember an attitude that seemed to lack sensitivity and compassion.

I know it could be argued that he was acting out of extreme concern for the welfare of his premies and getting frustrated that they were not experiencing the joy that he knew they could. However, the knowledge that he was talking about was given by him, and he was presumably having that experience himself, yet here he was losing his temper. I know that these days some premies say that he is regarded as human with all the
failings that implies, and that he is just trying to bring peace to the world through distribution of the knowledge techniques, but during my two decades with Divine Light Mission he was always regarded as the 'boss' who had all the answers, rather than a fellow traveller on life's journey.

I remember being totally fed up with wondering who he was, what the knowledge was, and what was the best way to practice it. After trying sincerely for over 20 years, I decided that I may have been one of the many who are called but not one of the few who are chosen and made a conscious decision to drift away. This was four or five years ago and it has taken this time to let myself really question the whole business. It was hard to say to myself that the experience of all those years were based on an illusion, or wishful thinking, or the attempt to fulfil some pipe dream, and that I would not crash down and irreparably shatter after having reached such great heights.

Also there was the worry that I, a humble nobody in the great cosmic scheme of things, was refusing the gift that was being offered by Maharaji, who, if not the Lord or Perfect Master, was at least someone with greater wisdom, insight, spiritual experience than I would ever have. Without practicing knowledge, I was doing nothing to fulfill my human potential except making a living and trying my best to look after my family. After having all my past karma washed away when I received knowledge. what bad karma would I now reap? This is the sort of dangerous mumbo-jumbo I am glad to be away from.

Since reading your site and hearing the accounts of many premies who went through much more intense experiences than mine, I have gained more confidence in the realisation that many of my views on life while being a premie were not based on truth. Even if truth may not be the 'consciousness of bliss' I think it is important to find the courage to honestly seek it.

Hello All,

The response to my journeys post have been mostly encouraging - two wavering premies who thanked me for giving them something to help them abandon what they have previously relied on. I suppose they recognized their own feelings and hopefully saw that if I and others can move away (and towards something positive - even if only to become a 'seeker' again) then so can they.

It was a few years ago that I dropped out and it was a strange experience. I would have benefited tremendously from the present web site and newsgroup as I felt very unsure of what I was doing. Out of all my friends I was alone in rejecting the path of knowledge and it's hard disagreeing with the lord of the Universe and his followers when you have nothing to back you up but your own reasoning.

My friends were very sympathetic but they thought that one day I would come back to the fold and that I was just temporarily in my mind - which didn't help me at all. As time went by and the vegetables did not rot inside I gained a bit more confidence and enjoyed reading humanist philosophy, psychology and many other subjects dealing with the human condition.

I actually did a degree - something I would never have bothered with as a premie. I realized that all this study could not offer anything like the 'magic' of satchitanand but it felt like I was taking responsibility for my own understanding of life rather than surrendering the reigns to a master who I now consider to know as much about how to run my life as anyone else.

However , even though I feel distant from DLM and in less need of support than others who are presently going through the transition from devotee to freethinker, this ex-premie venture has proved helpful to friends of mine. I have printed out the archive of forum1 + some other items and given it to a long time buddy. I was amazed at the effect it had on him.

We always talk about G.M. and our opposing attitudes towards him and knowledge but my opinions were never enough to convince him that there was anything to doubt about it all. The week after I had given him the folder he had given his practice of the knowledge up completely! - and has since told me of the sense of relief he feels at not having to meditate everyday or drain his meager finances to visit Australia, Los Angeles or wherever else the festival are held.

Added to this he is now getting on much better with his partner who could never understand his obsession with the whole business and no doubt felt a bit hurt that he chose to leave her to visit his guru or sit under a blanket for an hour each day.

So let's hope the site & newsgroup keeps going - Although I know that we cannot convince the hard-liners, and I don't know if I want to suddenly dislodge anyone from their religions beliefs, it is a great help to those who have reached the end of their tether and realised they are getting nowhere. Without the support of others who have gone through this it can be a very difficult leap into the unknown.

What anger me is the fear that is instilled in premies - 'rotting vegetables' and the like. I remember G.M. saying (in Munich) that the most important thing was the link between him and his devotees. This link was a strong but complex cable that could be stretched almost endlessly. A premie might stop meditating, doing service or attending satsang but if the link broke ( the rejected the master) because of its complexity, it could never be repaired. This really stuck in my mind.

At the time I thought it was wonderful. As I sang Arti I knew that although I may be weak and undisciplined in my service or meditation I would always be connected to the all-compassionate Lord who would look after me forever. It was later when I began to doubt the wisdom of G.M. ,that this and many other similar satsangs played on my mind - putting the 'fear of God' in me. Wow , I am so glad to be out of it. I think even nowadays I get flashes of the fear of eternal damnation.

Cheers, Seymour

TD

In 1994, I met and fell in love with a premie who had had Knowledge since 1974. We had met in a different ‘spiritual’ context, in that we both had a deep interest in indigenous spiritual practices, and at it was at one of these ceremonies that we first connected. I had been on the searching spiritual path for a couple of years and was looking for some form of meditation, as it seemed to me, that in every book I read, that ‘going within’ was the key to the ‘truth’, the ‘source’.

In the early days of our relationship when I visited his house, I noticed a photo of Maharaji. He told me that he was his Master, but I didn’t make any connection between his Master and his meditation. He never really talked much about it. I do remember, being a bit jealous though, that nothing, not even me, ever got in the way of his meditation! Still, I was impressed by his dedication.

About a month later, he told me he was flying for a few days to the States to see his Master. I thought that was totally bizarre — flying all the way to the States from Oz for only a few days. When he told me that that was normal, that people from around the world would fly to the States to see him, I told him that I didn’t think it was a good thing, for people to be that devoted to ONE individual. Being somewhat younger than my partner, I had grown up with a lot of the bad press of 60’s gurus, the Rajneesh, the Rev Moon etc. I thought all those guys shagged and fleeced their followers. Surprisingly though, I hadn’t heard of Maharaji.

When my partner went to the States, he left me an invitation for a video event of Maharaji. Being in love and having a natural desire to get closer to my boyfriend, I was excited to see this Master who was so close to my partner’s heart. Going to that event was extremely confronting. I came out and my head was screaming. Who was this little fat Indian guy with the squeaky voice who had challenged a lot of my pre-existing beliefs?

When my partner returned, I raised all my concerns and he explained to me why I’d had such an experience, because Maharaji acts as a mirror. He said he’d had exactly the same response when he first saw Maharaji in the 70’s. He said that beliefs are meant to be shattered. I was enthralled and thus I became an aspirant. I went to an event with Charanand who addressed all the contemporary queries. He said that people travel all over the world to see Maharaji in the same way that fans might travel to see the Rolling Stones. That made sense.

He voluntarily raised the issue of Maharaji’s wealth. He said that Maharaji’s wealth was from a variety of ways, that he was very clever and had even invented things! It was also at this event that I finally realised what Knowledge was, that it wasn’t some magical feeling of enlightenment that would dawn on me, but rather a set of four techniques that would be revealed to me later in a Knowledge session.

I enjoyed the (persuasive) process of being an aspirant, watching videos and getting thirstier and thirstier for this elusive Knowledge. I found Maharaji fascinating, and he had a good sense of humour which I’m always a sucker for!!

I eventually received Knowledge in Brisbane in 1995 and was very excited about it. Receiving it was one thing, practising it proved to be another! My partner who was only working part-time was able to sleep in and practise it at his leisure. I, on the other hand was working full-time and we were living in a cold part of Australia, so having to get up at 6.00am and practise in the cold when I was tired was a real test. I always felt bad that I wasn’t as disciplined as my partner, and that much of the time when I practised I would have to try hard not to fall asleep.

My partner and I talked a lot about how lucky we were to have Maharaji in our lives, to have Knowledge and to have the experience that was written about in all the ‘holy books’. I had grown up in a Christian family and to have THE delicious secret that supposedly JC had passed on to his disciples was pretty cool (at least according to the Gnostics)! I also devoured my partner’s books on Kabir and Guru Nanak, Mara etc., and re-read the New Testament and all those historical books about Jesus and his time in Kashmir.

I felt such an incredible love for Maharaji, that true devotee’s love, and it made perfect sense to me that not all the ‘perfect masters’ had carked it 2000 years ago. How silly of me to not think that each generation of mankind would be given a ‘perfect living master’ — after all, that’s only fair! I also went down that embarrassing path of giving satsang to a number of my friends and family, which now in retrospect I’m ashamed of. I remember berating my mother for worshiping a ‘dead master’ as I had a ‘living one’. I was extremely spiritually arrogant.

I saw Maharaji whenever he came to Australia, saving up enough money to follow him around the country. I experienced my first darshan in Brisbane in 1996 at an event in the city. It was an event for people with Knowledge only, and as soon as Maharaji started speaking, all these premies started shouting out “Darshan! Darshan!”. I remember that it felt awkward as Maharaji was trying to speak. I had no idea what darshan was and asked the person next to me. They told me that it was a time to pay respect to the Master. I thought I would shake his hand or say “Thanks” etc and joined the line. I was pretty amazed to watch everyone kiss his feet, but was excited to do so. It was a powerful experience for me, and obviously for all these other people, as you could hear the most incredible wailing in the line ahead!

At one point, while surfing the Net, I came across this web-site which was still in its infancy and it’s old format. The Bob Mischler interview was on it as well as the story about the African dude with the same name as Maharaji. The Bob Mischler interview threw me into a tizz and I printed off a copy and showed it to my partner. He read it, and said that it was old news. He’d been a full-on celibate ashram premie from ‘74 until they were closed down and he had seemed to hold no hard feelings as that was the way it was ‘back then.’ (I also know he’d gone through a bit of self-therapy of those times with the help of some indigenous practices).

He had also seen Maharaji a bit drunk after one conference at Amaroo, and heard him say some pretty crass things in private. He also told me he thought that there was a period when Maharaji didn’t practise Knowledge at all. So my initial despair was dissipated, and I subsequently wrote this site off as the result of some cynical disgruntled old premie who hadn’t ‘realised’ the true beauty of the ‘World of Knowledge’.

My relationship with my partner eventually broke down, but I was still committed to Knowledge and Maharaji. I still found practising Knowledge difficult and knew that in order to not waste ‘this seed that had been planted in me’ I would have to rearrange my life in order to make Knowledge a priority. I moved interstate, started working part-time, lived by myself and had all morning to practise.

So for the first time since receiving Knowledge I had the perfect environment in which to devote myself to K and M. It was so great having no distractions or any real concerns. I was back into fitness and yoga (which was great for my meditative posture sans baragon!) and got very deeply into practise. I’d managed to bypass the hour limit as I had no tight schedule to keep to. And so I felt like I now had it all.

The funny thing was though, that now that I had nothing left to blame for the ‘seed’ not growing, I became more aware of the effects Knowledge and this devotion to Maharaji was having on other aspects of my life, and surprisingly, they weren’t good feelings. For those 8 months the more I practised, the more those feelings plagued me. Unfortunately, there was no-one to talk to about it, as I didn’t make any real buddies during the aspirant process, and my ex-partner and I were having a period of incommunicado. There was no forum at the videos to speak to anybody and I didn’t feel by writing to Maharaji that MY particular doubts would be addressed in the near future, or at all. But I carried on.

I went to the big event at Amaroo in 1997 which was very powerful in terms of my renewed commitment to Knowledge and Maharaji. I felt very guilty that I’d ever let other aspects of my life interfere with such a commitment, and vowed again to make it a priority. It was also very inspiring to be around long-time premies who seemed very happy. One guy on the bus told me that it keeps getting ‘better and better’. I kept thinking of the analogy that Maharaji gives about Knowledge. That it’s like an acorn that will (if treated right) grow into an Oak tree.

After the event, some Brisbane friends who aren’t premies and who I was staying with, showed me the article that was in The Courier Mail, and which is also on this web-site. I was incensed. I couldn’t believe what had been written. I had been involved with the media for a number of years and was used to ‘lazy journalism’ — so this article really struck a nerve with me! My non-premie friends told me not to worry about it as “It’s the Courier Mail and you’re in Queensland, so what else you do expect?” [For non-Aussie readers — their inference being that this is a Murdoch newspaper which has a monopoly in Brisbane. Brisbane, and the state of Queensland is known to be extremely conservative and right-wing, as up until recently it was a virtual police-state with a notorious history of corruption and intolerance, so many Australians often talk with cynicism about it.]

Anyway, I spoke to my ex-partner about aspects of the article which I had no knowledge of, such as the title Lord of the Universe. He said he’d never known of Maharaji being called Lord of the Universe. I remembered also him showing me some old newspaper clippings/photos/magazines a while back and there were a couple of articles on the ‘Boy Guru’ etc but nothing about the Lord of the Universe or Peace Bomb. So again any doubts were placated.

After this event, I was inspired to do Service. Up until this point, I had been wary of committing to some form of Service as I knew from my ex-partner, that Elan Vital was rife with politics, and I had experienced enough of that in the workforce so as to be a bit gun-shy. But I put those feelings aside and did so anyway, as it was for the Big M. I went to a participation meeting at Amaroo where I learnt of stuff that disturbed me about Maharaji and Elan Vital — namely the excessive financial figures needed to finance Amaroo, not to mention some examples of Maharaji’s pedantic behaviour behind the scenes, but which was described by one of the coordinators as Maharaji’s desire for ‘absolute quality’.

And then I hit a crisis point. I don’t know what a nervous breakdown feels like, but I hit the bottom big time, and I had always felt that Knowledge would alleviate any experience like that. Maharaji is always quoting that verse “Even in your darkest hour, I will not abandon you”. Well my dark hour came and practising Knowledge and going to videos didn’t help at all. I felt really let down as I’d believed that I could rely on ‘going to that place inside’ to get me through the bad times. What is even weirder is that the problems that triggered this ‘bad time’ weren’t that major, it was my now inability to cope with such problems that sent me into such a tailspin.

So I took some time off and went to visit my family for a month, thinking that my problems had to do with everything else other than for Knowledge and my devotion to Maharaji. It was there that I re-discovered this Web-site and I was blown away. It was extremely confronting. I sat and read all the journeys and the forums and it was like having this big fat load taken off my shoulders. I actually felt repulsed by the thought of practising and being trapped by it and had to go through a horrible few days of ‘coming off’ the addiction of it.

As some of you have said, it is like a junkie addicted to smack. My ex-partner also agrees that Knowledge is an addiction, although he says it’s an addiction to ‘love’. I now know that he and I have different definitions and experiences of this crazy ole thang called lurve! This web-site has now given me the courage to express and feel comfortable with all the doubts, issues and contradictions that I’ve had over the 4 years of being involved with Maharaji. I can’t put the emergence of these doubts/issues into any sort of chronological order, so I’ll just list them:

• Why was the mind so strong, deceptive and essentially evil (in that it didn’t have my best interests at heart), and at what point in the evolution of mankind had it become so? Why was I always at war with my mind as a premie and feel like I was on the verge of going crazy? As someone here said, it’s like you experience a mental backlash after practising. I had that all the time.

• Since receiving Knowledge, why did I feel a lot more fragile? By that, I mean, small problems seemed to effect me disproportionately — to the point of deep depression. It seemed to me the world outside of Knowledge was becoming much much darker, and I became more reliant on seeing videos, listening to Maharaji and practising Knowledge to make me feel good.

• Why was no philanthropy or humanitarian work advocated by Maharaji and that Elan Vital seemed to be totally self-serving? I know that Maharaji has never claimed to me (via his events) that that’s the role of the Master, but for some reason, this lack of service for people/causes outside of EV always plagued me! My ex-partner used to make me feel that serving Maharaji was above serving anyone or anything else, and those feelings I’d had serving others and doing work for charities was NOTHING like that which I’d feel doing for Maharaji.

• If I’ve always found people who were ‘over the top’ in terms of materialistic possessions and status symbols ‘wankers’ and that they must have some personality defect, why did I excuse Maharaji from that same judgemental attitude? My ex-partner told me that Maharaji once said something like “Do you expect me to be a carpenter and ride a donkey?” No, Maharaji, but do you really need that massive mansion in Malibu, the expensive suites at the hotels, the Gulfstream etc, when there are a number of premies who work in virtually a full-time volunteer capacity in order to help spread your message?

• I’ve always wondered why there was no premie I met who I really admired or felt was a good role model. Maybe I just never met the ‘best ones’ and this may be highly judgemental, but all the ones I encountered seemed pretty dysfunctional and their lives seemed very out of balance (including me and my ex!). For example, there were premies who obviously neglected their children in favour of their devotion to Maharaji, who got into horrendous debt to go to events, who seemed to have odd personal relationships (again, including me and my ex!) and some who worked themselves into exhaustion in their service for Maharaji. Also the fact that my favourite people on this planet, the ones who inspire and who are the most supportive of me, don’t have Knowledge or any interest in Maharaji, despite me taking them to videos and public events.