Printing the book

• That if one of the spin-offs of people practising Knowledge was more consciousness in the world, I saw very little evidence of it in premies or in myself. In fact, I feel far more conscious and self-aware as an ex-premie than I ever did as a premie, especially now that my key critical faculty, my mind, is happily back on board! I remember thinking (in my naivete) that if only everyone in the world had Knowledge, all the problems of the world would go away. Now I think, lucky for the world, they don’t.

• Why did Maharaji speak disparagingly of the Internet? Criticising the Internet to me is like criticising the television or the telephone, as it’s a medium. Why has he indicated that premies should not communicate via any web-site, and yet e-mail addresses are encouraged for registration and for communication between EV staff?

So there you go. Just a few of the major issues that have contributed to my questioning, and ultimately extricating myself from Maharaji and Knowledge. I know that a lot of you ex-premies will concur as you’ve already covered many of these in the forums and in your journeys. It really is such an incredible relief to see them dealt with here.

I cannot express enough my gratitude to everyone who participates on it, both ex-premies and premies (although the premies arguments don’t stack up very well, IMHO!). You’ve all saved me a lot of time, because I would have been in there for the long haul, as one old premie told me when I said I was having big doubts about K & M: “You can’t honestly expect to be having the same experience [with my few years of practise and devotion] as someone who has practised for 25 years”. As some of you have shown me, it’s a hell of a gamble to make, only to find out 20 years from now, that you’re still not satisfied!

I also know a number of premies will feel that people like myself have defected because we just didn’t give Knowledge a ‘fair go’, that we weren’t disciplined in our practise, we weren’t sincere, thirsty, honest etc. All I can say to that is “Horseshit!” I have no doubt in myself about having been all of those things. And besides, if there is only ‘a chosen few’ who will really experience the true beauty of Knowledge and Maharaji’s grace, then why won’t Maharaji tell us that in the beginning and save us ‘inadequates’ a lot of time and effort??

For those confused premies/aspirants who may be reading this, I sincerely am amazed at how much happier I am now than I ever was being a premie. It has, however, been an extremely difficult process extricating myself and I’ve run through the gamut of emotions, and I know that I have to go through further self-analysis to deal with it.

It was interesting to read Katie’s analysis about the role the relationship with our father can have in our adoption of a Master like Maharaji. I can understand the ‘abusive’ aspect in terms of other premies I know, but in terms of myself, I’ve come at it from a different angle. You see, part of the reason I’ve been propelled along this spiritual journey is that I have been over-reliant on my father, who is one of the most loving, kind, generous and gentle people I’ve ever come across. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years but we’ve still got a great relationship. He’s getting old now and I know that I was always fearful of how I would get on if and when he died — I was really scared to be without him. In a way, Maharaji provided me with someone whom I could transpose those same feelings onto, another father-figure who would be around a lot longer than my father would be, and someone in whose presence I felt safe and loved in.

You know how Maharaji gives the analogy of the boat in the ocean. Well I’ve got an analogy too. The best way I can describe it is like if a room was my life, I’d built a glass box inside it, which was Maharaji and Knowledge, and I’d crawled into it, feeling safe inside and totally reliant on it for survival, and was detached from my life that was going on outside the box. The allusion was that I was like the lotus flower, rising above it all, but the reality was that I was removed from my life and incapable of dealing with it. I now feel, with the help of this web-site that I’ve broken that glass box and am happy reacquainting myself with the room which is my life!

So where am I now in regards to Knowledge and Maharaji? Even though I have stopped practising Knowledge, I at least know the techniques and maybe in the future I will use them when I feel the need, as opposed to them being a prerequisite for me to start the day and heighten my own seemingly ‘lack of consciousness’.

It would be a lie to say I didn’t have some beautiful feelings practising Knowledge, but at the end of the day, they have never had the positive impact on me like those which I have felt by participating in indigenous rituals and ceremonies. These are incredibly egalitarian and always have as their focus the facilitating of an environment that encourages you to have a direct relationship with nature (and for me, my Creator), without any need for a middle-man to give you the ‘key’ or to interpret your experience, or to tell you how you should be experiencing your life.

At first, after I stopped practising, one of the hardest things to come to grips with was that I’d honestly believed that with Knowledge and Maharaji, I’d found the answer to life, the universe and everything, that my ‘thirst was quenched’ with this whole trip, and yet to admit (having told all my non-premie friends that I’d found THE answer!) that this wasn’t really the case, was a bitter pill to swallow.

As for Maharaji, I believe that he has got some good teachings, and has some remarkable observations and perceptions of life and people. I mean, he should shouldn’t he, after all he’s had a fairly extraordinary life, and he’s seen some pretty odd human beings and their idiosyncratic behaviour! Maybe it would be better for him to come out and go on the ‘speaker circuit’ where everything, including cash, is up front!

As for all the various details about Maharaji and DLM, and EV, I can only really talk about the experience I’ve had over the last 4 years and I just hope that ‘truthful insights’ and not ‘speculation’ will always be paramount on this site. Having been a lurker for a couple of months, I always found myself skimming over those speculative and bitchy bits (about Maharaji being a fatty etc) and embracing those posts where people are speaking of their own first-hand account and analysis of this phenomenon. The funny posts did however, provide welcome comic relief from the difficulties I had going through the extrication process!

Finally, sometimes it’s hard to reconcile the experience of the ex-premies here and those like my ex-partner who seem to have few regrets about the whole ashram/celibacy period. When I confronted him about all their money going to DLM, he said that he was in charge of the finances at one of his ashrams, and every single cent stayed within the ashram, ie no money was sent to Maharaji or DLM overseas. He and another old premie here, said that some of the American premies have always been a bit ‘out there’ (apparently at this last Amaroo gig an American premie got in a taxi at Ipswich (redneckville) station and said to the unassuming taxi-driver “Take me to see the Lord of the Universe!!”), so who knows, maybe the American experience was more full-on than elsewhere?

As for me, when I read some of your stories, I’m grateful I wasn’t around then as I would be pretty bloody angry at the obvious hypocrisy of Maharaji’s life at that time (married, financially plush etc) in contras! t to the life and the sacrifices the premies made in the ashrams. I also have an inkling that some of those old premies have been selectively forgetful about some of the incidents that occurred in the past.

I’ve also given no money (other than the odd $5 contribution at a video event) to Elan Vital, and the last Amaroo event at around $100 for four days was pretty good value, considering the set-up there and all the transport etc. I heard (and this is speculative) that the event actually ended up costing Elan Vital money. Part of the reason I didn’t give any extra money was that I didn’t have any spare to give, and yet I certainly would have, if I’d had the means. I also have a whole stash of videos and assorted merchandise which if added up, would probably cost a pretty penny, but I don’t feel swindled out of my money at all.

So there you have my journey, and I welcome any e-mails people may want to send me (although there may be a delay in replying due to my sporadic access to the Net and the fact that I’m getting back to a few of the things I neglected while a premie!). The reason I want to remain anonymous is that I don’t want to hurt any of the people around me by association, who are still premies, but who I’ve made aware of my decision to leave. By deduction, they will know who I am anyway.

To tell you the truth, it’s hard not to feel embarrassed about having had this experience, although maybe that’s the E in the A-Z emotions of detoxing and deprogramming! You old (more figurative than literally old!) ex-premies were the Western pioneers of the whole Indian guru devotional trip and at the time, were unaware of what the effects would be on your lives. I, on the other hand, grew up well aware of the whole 60’s/70’s cult experience, and yet still effectively ended up in a diluted version of one!

Sometimes that’s hard to deal with, but on days when I’m feeling positive I also try and put it down to like having had a bad love affair, in that it’s painful ‘cause you got in so deep, but coming out of it, you learn a lot about yourself and humanity as a result. In a strange way, to have felt that devotee’s love, which is unlike any other kind of love, has got to be character building (more positive thinking here!), and hopefully will be a reminder to us of what can happen when you give up much of the responsibility of your life to an enigmatic, authoritarian guru. And let’s face it, humans seem to love doing it, and will no doubt continue to do it!!

So, best of luck to everyone on the rest of their life journeys, and once again thanks for the courage and the honesty that you’ve all displayed by participating on this web-site, and special thanks to the ex-premies who give up their time, effort and whatever financial means needed to maintain this web-site. Please let me know if I can help.

Kind regards, The Defector.

TD for short! (Do you like my cracker of a pseudonym??)

Luton, England 1971 - My friend and schoolmate Justin was the first to tell me about GM. He kept telling me that he had heard that the GM followers could give you "knowledge" which makes you feel like you were on acid all the time. We were 15 at the time, so that seemed like a plausible reason to check it out. One weekend we went up to London, and after three satsangs I had received the knowledge. It wasn't at all like acid, but I had bought into the premie pitch and believed that in time "all would be revealed".

Life in a working class English town was at best boring and at worst dangerous. You were either bored or being chased by skinheads. So the peace, love and message of GM was a welcome change. I went to satsang in Luton in a little flat belonging to a teacher. There were only about 5 of us all together. When I got knowledge I really didn't understand what they were talking about. It was over the next few months that I had to learn the terminology and get educated as to the broader teachings of GM.

At this point my family pulled up stakes and moved to America. Los Angeles, California to be exact. This was a culture shock for which I was ill prepared. I hated Los Angeles and everything American. I longed to go home. But fortunately for me there were ashrams here and soon I was going to satsang and making new friends.

I really had a good time with all the premies, going to Houston, all the picnics, dinners - all of it was fun and the people were great too. But, around the time we went to Houston I began to feel different about GM himself. I found myself embarressed by some of his behavior. It felt like the closer people got to GM the more uptight they got. Everyone had that false smile, which reminded me of the Moonies or Scientologist. You felt like you were being tolerated at the moment. Independent thought was so frowned on along with showing any interest in any other spiritual practices. Now looking back I can see that DLM owed more to Chritianity then Hinduism. It was as controlling as any right-wing born-again group.

I went to Colorado with 4 other premies to hear the "Shape Up or Ship Out" speech and that was that. I could not belong so something that hypocritical. They seduce you with love and rape you with intolerance.

My total involvement was a little over three years. Once I left I jumped head long into punk rock - which was a good place to scream against another fallen idol.

As for today, I now do real service by running a food pantry for the working poor and homeless. I am still involved in Hinduism, but cannot find it in my heart to ever join another group - Spiritual Anarchy

http://www.geocities.com/kalisthugs/index.html

Sir David

It is not a joy coming to the conclusion that Maharaji, The King of Kings, Lord of Hosts, Lord of the Universe, The Almighty God in human form, The Lord of Love, Protector of the Weary and the Weak, The Saviour of Mankind, The Second Coming, My Mother, Father, Brother and Friend, my All to me.

It is not a joy coming to the conclusion that Maharaji is NOT all of the above. For those of us who gave our hearts, For those of us who tried Sincerely to devote ourselves, Believing that he was the Lord. For those who wept the tears of love For one we saw as God, For those of us who wanted To tear out our very heart And place it at his lotus feet Because he was the perfect one, Most radiant, most blessed God of Love in human form.

For us, there is an empty space, A shattered dream to come. Where is our Lord this darkened night? Where fall His footsteps in our world, What hope our friends to give? Pray God please help us all.