Printing the book

In 1988 I became involved once more, believing as I always had that K was real, that M had the key and had mastered the experience. I discovered the secrecy, dishonesty and insincerity had gotten worse. M didn't seem to know what was happening. I wrote him a letter but received no reply. I kept my distance not being able to relate, but could not deny my thirst or my experience of meditation.

A few years ago I decided to get involved yet again. Why..Why..Why??? The happiest time of my life was when I received K. The master was here, I was blessed, it was grace; I was sincere; I was high, filled with appreciation. I trusted; I had faith. When I became troubled and overwhelmed by the dysfunctionality of M's world, I couldn't meditate. I felt like a failure, I didn't deserve this gift. It was somehow my fault, my problem. I had to try harder, try again and again. My efforts to resolve the conflict became intense. Convinced M was surrounded by fanatical premies who had long ago lost the plot, I embarked upon a mission to be honest, to confront the issues with other premies.

I could write a book about the dysfunctional aspects of M's world. The darshan addicted, pyramid climbing core group of premies surrendered their minds (including commonsense and discrimination) to M years ago (After all, this was and still is the path of devotion to the living lord). They run the show like a bunch of frightened (vulnerable) children always trying to please, doing it HIS way, and blaming themselves. Being yelled at by a father who by any normal standards would be condemned as insensitive and uncaring.

I quickly discovered other premies were seriously threatened by my attempts to uncover the truth. I was intimidated and shouted down.

The crunch came when I was made aware of a blatant attempt by M to crush dissent in the ranks using classic mind control tactics, in particular, guilt. The process reduced some premies to tears. Admitting their sins, they became the vulnerable children and he the patriarchal angry father. Truth and understanding were nowhere to be seen.

The penny dropped at last. I realised M was ultimately responsible for the dysfunctional stuff! I had been deceived and he didn't care.

The grief and anger I experienced when I finally saw M's deceit was the most intensely traumatic emotional experience of my life. I had wrecked forever my relationship with my mother and given hundreds of thousands of dollars to this deceitful little man's organisation, but worst of all I'd ignored my commonsense and intuition many times over the years. I felt stupid.

I could write a lot about how I was deceived. But at the moment I need to keep my identity to myself, so for now I'd just like to publish the letter I wrote to M in 1989. It's still just as relevant today as it was then and I still haven't received a reply.

1989 Australia

Dear Maharaji,

My name is ______. I received knowledge sixteen years ago. I worked for many years in full time service as an administrator and lived in an ashram.

During this time I devoted myself to you and your work. The more I gave the more I received. The experience of bliss was overwhelming - not a series of fleeting moments, but a continuous flow punctuated by profound experiences that transcended this dimension.

I now find myself in a very different situation. Doubt in your judgement and the clarity of those around you overwhelms my faith in you. I'm asking for your help to confront a number of issues that when resolved will hopefully lead me to a clearer understanding of myself and what is true or false.

At this stage in my life there is only one thing more important to me than knowledge and my relationship to you and that's the truth. Without it I will never have a foundation upon which to build. So I'm writing in an attempt to confess my concerns and face up to what appears to be happening. I know what appears to be is not necessarily the truth. I'm aware I have a limited perspective and hope my straightforward approach doesn't offend you.

Despite your efforts and best intentions it appears you are losing support in Australia. I suspect from your opening remarks at a recent program that you do not know why.

Few of the original wave of 'premies', and only a small percentage of more recent recipients now attend programs, or have much to do with Elan Vital. Perhaps some are practising knowledge and don't feel the need to participate in other ways. Others may lack inspiration to meditate and not realise its value.

There is, however, a long list of unexplained anomalies and confusing contradictions directly related to you that have never been explained, and contribute to people's lack of commitment. Many of these unresolved issues date back to when you were very young and could be explained because of your naivety, cultural conditioning and family influences. For this reason, the past may be best forgotten and it could be, if there hadn't been an effort to cover it up. When recent recipients of knowledge hear rumours of you sitting upon the throne encouraging 'devotion to the Lord of the Universe' it raises questions that don't get answered. Even though you have gone to great lengths to bury the past, it will be a problem unless there is a clearer explanation. I personally think the image change was the only sensible course open to you, but making the change brought up lots of questions. Over the years you have only made passing references to the subject and never really resolved it.

Much could be said about the 'Lord of the Universe' era - extravagant gifts, 'Rolls Royces', fast cars, the ill-conceived passenger jet project and more. Forgive me for saying, for those who don't know, your past reads like that of a playboy with little sensitivity for the plight of the third world or the need to set an example of moderation to consumers in the west.

Your lifestyle was accepted and actually encouraged by devotees because of your spiritual status. Nevertheless it was something that kept us justifying your actions to parents and friends for years. It presented a barrier to many moderate Christian-minded folk who had an understandable image of a humble spiritual leader

In hindsight, your apparent lifestyle made knowledge unavailable to many who would have benefited from meditation and your wonderful non-conceptual approach.

Nearly all evidence of the past - tapes, films, magazines - have been recalled and most of it probably destroyed. There have been various debriefings by instructors where terminology was changed and we were told what we could and could not say. I believe your motives are good but your change of image was a sensitive issue that needed more direct communication from you.

One could be forgiven for suspecting we have not learnt the most obvious lessons from the past, as mistakes are repeated and there is more potential than ever for confusion.

Your attitude to money must be confusing to many conservative people. On one hand you never have enough (and as a result it is a persistent issue), and on the other you appear to condone it's waste. This was acceptable when you were happy to be perceived as 'The Lord'. As many devotees thought you held the divine purse strings and could open them at will. Obviously this was never the case. Money is a convenient way of using limited energy. Its waste contributes to the demise of the planet. Ambitious ill-conceived projects that cost, or lost, many thousands of dollars litter the history of DLM and Elan Vital. If I am incorrect I would like to be set right. No doubt you have lost support because others like myself have this impression.

We now have the unfortunate situation where knowledge is free but to see you even on video costs a lot. We must all suspect this is a major contributing factor to the decrease in program attendances. Who can blame people? Practising knowledge i! s a challenge as you have said; no immediate results are guaranteed no matter how sincerely it is practised!

For some premies to attend a program means taking time off work, going interstate or overseas, and paying a considerable amount to hear you speak. Knowledge is now virtually unavailable to the working class and the unemployed by virtue of the fact that an integral part of practising it is attending programs. Is this correct? Could programs be funded by budgeting and cutting out unnecessary expense?

Your choice of a $50,000 sports car for your birthday, to be housed at your Brisbane residence for your exclusive use whenever you visit Australia, adds to my doubts about your judgement.

Your attitude towards instructors and administrators appears to be arrogant and unappreciative. If you act like the 'headmaster' and chastise your students you will stifle objective criticism and be kept from knowing the truth. Most people I'm referring to have given a great deal of their time and effort and need encouragement. Passing the blame when ultimately you are in charge and therefore responsible is not on. At the last Adelaide program you said, 'They were supposed to bring the seed but they brought the whole tree'. In fact you watered and promoted the growth of that tree for years whilst 'Mahatmas' I knew (quite well) only tried to serve you according to their understanding.

Your suggestion that you don't need administrators and instructors, that you are choosing to let them help, and could do it all alone, may sound fine to some but sounds crazy to me. It sounded just as foolish to hear you quoted as saying you would give knowledge yourself and dispense with instructors completely. Since that statement I am told you have changed your mind and have ordained four instructors. Can you forgive me for thinking you say things off the top of your head and don't think things through? I could give you a few other examples but I feel it would be rather impolite.

I don't blame you when you get a bit frustrated by the efforts of instructors and administrators. There may be some excellent people amongst them but I've seen some hopeless cases with far too much responsibility blundering about making a mess of things. I can't work out why with so many amazing people in this world, working hard for world peace in so many different ways, more aren't serving you.

For years poor communication of your direction by instructors and initiators has been given as the reason behind so many decision changes dating back to the first dissolution of the ashrams. Poor communication has sometimes seemed like an excuse simply because there was no explanation, at least you gave none and others happily took the blame (eg. 'it must be us because Maharaji can do no wrong'). Lots of problems could have been solved years ago by the introduction of tapes and videos addressing a variety of issues, especially major changes that were difficult to interpret and affected peoples' lives dramatically. It was too much to expect others with second hand information could represent you accurately. In an age where international organisations communicate effectively by fax, tape and video, it's beyond me why you don't avail yourself of the same technology. If we have nothing to hide even if a few tapes etc went missing it wouldn't matter anyway.

At a recent meeting of regular contributors, in answer to questions put to Jan McGregor regarding a long term premie who was confused and distressed by some of the concerns I've expressed in this letter, she said, 'They are free to leave it's their choice'. These people deserve more consideration than that! An instructor recently said, 'People have to make up their minds to support Maharaji and practise knowledge or not'. I find these attitudes disturbing. They suggest to me a lack of understanding of the commitment people have made, the crisis they now face and the REAL issues at hand. These attitudes are too cold and clinical for me to accept. Surely they do not reflect your attitudes.

It's fruitless for me to talk to premies about the issues raised in this letter. Some premies have the attitude you can do no wrong, others are afraid of dissent, or afraid to examine their faith. Some honestly just think I'm out of it.

I SHOULD be confused considering you are my spiritual guide and inspiration and I appear to be questioning and criticising! Nevertheless, even though it's hard, because I have discriminated between the spiritual and the material it's not as hard as it could be. I have no doubts the experience we seek is inside and that meditation is the way to access it. I love your non-conceptual, non-dogmatic approach. I like your personality (when you don't waffle on, get off the track, waste words and appear arrogant). I don't doubt your commitment and sincerity. The saving grace for me is that above all I want the truth whether it suits my ideas or not. If in the light of that truth I'm a fool, so be it.

Even though I can't see I deserve it I have been blessed with insight and have an experience that is difficult to talk about. Even though it almost drowns beneath a pile of trivia and day to day mundanity, when I dive deep I feel it and I'm left with that warm 'of course, how could I ever forget' feeling and I sometimes remember the first time we met, wave upon wave of bliss.

I hope you're still reading and that this letter helps us both in some way. Forgive the heavy stuff. Perhaps one day we will meet.

Sincere regards,
A seeker of truth.

Seymour

He said people just sat about talking about meditation, god and other spiritual stuff and as that was what we spent most of our time doing anyway ( I was practising Maharishi's mantra, and other friends were into Madame Blavatsky, I Ching, Tarot, philosophy, Aurobindo, etc.), we went along the following evening.

At first we only stayed for about half an hour. Taking our shoes off and squeezing in to sit on the floor of a crowded room to listen to someone go on about how philosophy, art, and science were a waste of time and that there was something called the knowledge that was going to change the world gave us an irreverent fit of the giggles, so we retired to the pub for a pint and a ciggie. We soon went back, however and ended up there almost every night.

All the talk was by people who had received the knowledge and I remember feeling that this was a bit unfair as we all had our own experience and accumulated wisdom to give satsang about. I soon found out that my previous forays into the search for meaning were considered worthless and that the only thing people worth paying attention to were those who had received knowledge - particularly mahatmas and of course ultimately Guru Maharaji who came down to sit on the armchair covered in a sheet towards the end of each evening and sometimes in the afternoons (we ended up hanging around the house day and night). When he wasn't downstairs he was up in his bedroom watching T.V. and it was sometimes weird to be listening to lofty spiritual discourse while hearing Guru Maharaji listening to Star Trek or some other popular programme above us.

The whole thing was very strange and although I was drawn to it, I did not find it enjoyable at all. One of the worst things was the destruction of the relationship that I had with all my friends. Whereas before we would sit about as equals, pondering life's perplexities and laughing a lot, now everything was very serious and there were divisions between those who understood satsang, those who had knowledge, those who were aspiring to receive it and those who were confused. There weren't many who thought that the whole thing was a load of rubbish, and any that did dissent were ostracised. We spent virtually our whole time at the ashram so there was no socialising with ordinary folk.

I went along because I was attached to my friends and because it soon became clear that what was really being offered was infinite bliss and the realization of the true purpose of my life. It was also evident from the start that this involved acceepting Guru Maharaji as Lord and Master. I sat a few feet away from him many times in that small room while he talked about surrendering the reins of your life to Satguru,there will be many false prophets but only one true Lord; Guru Maharaji is better than God,there is only one Satguru and all the other gurus are like weeds surrounding a tree, and so forth.

This last quote, along with many other premie satsangs about the uselessness of every other Guru, teacher, meditation technique, and philosophy as compared to the knowledge convinced me to give knowledge a go. However it was not that easy to receive knowledge. It was necessary to prove that you had a real thirst and that you accepted Guru Maharaji as the boss. Part of the process was that you had to show your humility by asking (I think begging was preferred) a mahatma to give you knowledge. This could be quite humiliating when you had to do it in front of a large audience of friends and strangers, only to be told that you were not yet ready by someone who did not know anything about you except the fact you had not asked them very many times before and thus had not demonstrated enough humility and perseverance.

I went through a bit of this (it became even harder to give up the quest for knowledge once you had gone through a few of these refusals) and eventually spent a few intense days in the process of receiving knowledge. This process involved moving between ashrams and premie houses, being kept waiting for hours (of course with plenty of satsang), and then being told the mahatma had gone to bed, and if we still wanted knowledge to come back the next day at the crack of dawn. When we did this, we were in for another 14 hour wait (the whole time dying for a cup of tea and a cigarette ) but finally received the techniques late in the evening.

Looking back this was a horrible experience which no doubt showed me the power of mind - I must have been really thirsty to put up with all that mental torture. I was motivated by the fact that we were always told that once we received knowledge all would become right with our lives: past karma would be dissolved, there would be no need for drink, drugs etc, there would no loneliness and depression, and we would be given the strength to cheerfully go through unpleasant experiences as we would be able to turn on the bliss. Another motivation was that nearly all of my friends had received knowledge and whenever asked about it just said it was far out , that it could not be described and that the only way to know was to experience it for yourself. Talk about peer pressure! ( I must admit to being just as persuasive to many others in later years for which I am very sorry and hope I am forgiven.)

When Ashokanand finally gave us the techniques that evening, the pressure of his heavy hand on my eyeballs certainly caused me to see something but I did not experience anything from the other techniques. On the way out there were a few disgruntled ex-aspirants who did not know what to make of it - the anti-climax was profound - and on the long walk home (no night buses in those days) we tried to talk about what had happened, even though we were had been told not to analyse and "chit chat". I was so cold and tired that I could hardly speak.

Over the following months I remained one of the few who could not surrender at the feet of the master - figuratively or literally. I could never do pranam (bowing down), engage in darshan (kissing Guru Maharaji's feet), or sing arti (a Hindi devotional song). When the satsang meetings erupted into the chanting of "Bhole shri Satgurudev Maharaji ki jai", I felt like a pacifist at a National Front meeting.

If Guru Maharaji came out into the garden or arrived at a program everyone would hit the deck (pranam) leaving me standing there about 2 feet. taller than Maharaji and feeling very embarrassed for not displaying my respect. It wasn't that I did not like him, it was just that it was such a strange thing to do. I was often told that it was pride and ego preventing me and there probably was some truth in that, but at the same time I was trying to be honest about how I felt. This was no easy thing in the devotional environment of the times.

After about 2 years of trying to meditate (at least 2 hours a day), going to satsang meetings nearly every night, and attending all the programmes and festivals in Europe and the U.S.A., I ended up living in a premie house near G.M.'s residence in London. It was only a 3 bedroomed house and although it started off with a small group of us, it ended up housing around 40 premies - all proclaiming the love and devotion that I had not yet experienced. A few friends and I ran away to the country but this soon got boring and I was glad to get back to the hustle and bustle of the premie scene in London around the time of Guru Puja at Ally Pally (July 1973). The feeling of not quite fitting in soon returned, however, and I drifted away over the following months.

Later that year that I went to live in Amsterdam where people seemed to be enjoying lives of love and peace without any Guru or meditation and I was only too pleased to blend in. As luck would have it, the kind art students who gave me a place to stay included a premie and an aspirant. Before I knew what was going on, I became a sort of go-between and gradually found myself leaning towards the premie viewpoint . In fact I got drawn away from the clubs and good times that I was having and into the premie world that centred on Amsterdam ashram.

I don't know if it was the Amsterdam air or what, but I finally got caught by "devotion", hook, line, and sinker. I believed that Guru Maharaj Ji was greater than god and that he knew more about me than I knew about myself. I thought that he was Creator, Preserver, Destroyer and guided my every moment. I believed that his wisdom and power knew no bounds and that the knowledge was the key to infinity.

I have to admit that the next few years were incredible. I felt confident, inspired, full of energy and often extremely happy that I was privileged to have knowledge and the love of Guru Maharaji. My greatest joy was telling other people about the answer to all their problems of which I felt I was living proof.

It felt so good being in the Lord's gang. I danced all night at the festival in Orlando when Maharaj Ji dressed as Krishna, and Durga Ji (Marolyn) sang 'take my heart, take my whole life too'. I was at last on the inside looking out - as the song went. There were so many good songs that seemed to express the feelings of a devotee cruising along the supposed six lane freeway to Nirvana and I really believed they were all inspired by Guru Maharaji, without whose permission not a blade of grass moved and who was going to make everything all right with the world, as long as we followed his teachings. I was dedicated to spreading the message far and wide.

The fact that I was lacking in any social or material responsibility and that many of the people I encountered considered me to be a proselytising pain in the neck hardly bothered me at all. (I am sorry for anyone who had to put up with me in those days. I hope I can be forgiven if I upset anyone - although I think I caused more amusement than upset.) After a year or so of this I gradually started coming back down to earth and began to appreciate other people's perspectives on life. Getting married and having children helped to bring me to my senses, although I continued to meditate. However the responsibilities of being a parent and a husband soon took over from those of being a follower of Guru Maharaji.

I finally made the decision to drop out at a knowledge review given by Guru Maharaji, at which, after having struggled to raise the entrance fee and leaving my children for a few days, I was subjected to some of the most schmaltzy, slo-mo, sentimental videos accompanied by the most bland music I had ever heard. Guru Maharaji's poetry recitals made me think what a shame it was that he is surrounded by sycophants who are not able to help him with some objective constructive criticism and save him embarrassment . I suppose some would say that it is a matter of taste - and I can only say that it was not to my taste. Did this mean that I was criticising my Creator and the sustainer of my life?