The gadabout letters
Download 2 Mb.
|
| yes, i was shocked and confused and leaning towards not having the baby that first night. and i regret that i had those ideas. but i was only thinking of your and my future.
i thought i had told you about the rest of my feelings, but now that you said something like that, i guess maybe i wasnt clear. or it just got overlooked in all the other confusion....so, here: i knew i had to sleep on it. so i did. and when i woke up the next morning i felt better. the first thing that came into my head was a baby. my baby, our baby. in fact i felt really releaved or something. i felt lighter in my mind, like everything was going to be good. better than good because i thought i was going to have a child soon to take care of and love. then i wanted to tell my mom so i did. and walking around out in the front yard of the cabin, she told me things that helped me realize that the baby was good, that the baby was a wonderful wonderful thing. over all the cruel and evilness in the world, we could have something as wonderful as a new child. then we were laughing at the whole cool idea and i was really wanting the baby after those few minutes and i said to my mom i was going to get off the phone and "go be with lauren" and she said that was right. then you yelled out the door you were bleeding... and thats when things went wrong. i think i got it all out. we're headed east for SCI...------->E CM: whats up, mise?!-- good to hear from you too. right now im in charge of little three-year-old nilla. there's some canadian cartoon on something called 'global' amidst the rest of the twelve-dollar-a-month cable channels. she calls them 'kid movies'. if i let her, she would sit there barefoot on the rug for hours eating skinny carrot sticks with huge eyes mesmorized by 'kid movies'. this cartoon has a canadian accent. when a toy commercial (pronounced "mersher-role" around here) comes on she says this: "you can buy that toy for later." then, all you say is "ok" and she's happy and completely forgets about the worthless plastic item. psychology's cool. anyway, i guess you got the dates of when we'll be in chicago so lets figure something out. im stoked. hope things are good there. you living in the city? LT
Leonard Treadway rhythm mountain studios www.radio-qmx.org "If we live alone, it means living like madmen or criminals, in appearance at any rate, and a little bit in reality as well." OUTLAW: american poems on the run by Leonard Treadway Available spring 2003. http://ninearts.org SO: hey shan, sorry it took so long to write you back. right now im in charge of little three-year-old nilla. there's some canadian cartoon on something called 'global' amidst the rest of the twelve-dollar-a-month cable channels. she calls them 'kid movies'. if i let her, she would sit there barefoot on the rug for hours eating skinny carrot sticks with huge eyes mesmorized by 'kid movies'. this cartoon has a canadian accent. when a toy commercial (pronounced "mersher-role" around here) comes on she says this: "you can buy that toy for later." then, all you say is "ok" and she's happy and completely forgets about the worthless plastic item...psychology's cool. anyway, hows things there? big? hehe. any news on baby? i talked to mom for a long time the other day and told her all about the "jesus dinner" i had over at Silvia Midtown's house the other night. she's so rad, but her parents are scardy cats, blaming their narrow-mindedness, fear of change and the outside world, and lack of responsibility on Silvia Midtown. they continuously tell her her cancer and CF are a direct result of her not "living in gods word". i thought they were just a little sheltered until this dinner. now i see how truely lame they are. i let them go that time but if they bring that shit again they're gunna have a conversation on their hands. hope its warm there like here. g JO: sounds like a nice little tour. dont smoke any pole, i mean bowls while your there. maybe it wouldnt fly with the FBI. Silvia Midtown has cystic fibrosis, which is a protien gene deficiency in all of the cells of her body so the sodium and chloride arent dispensed correctly. this makes the mucus thicker than it should be, causing build-up in places like her lungs and pancrease. she has to inhale pulmozime and saline in this battery powered inhaler twice a day and take a bunch of herbal pills to off set the other complications that arise due to the imbalance in her cells. digestion is a common problem with CF patience, she has pills for that too. as a result of all this, she gets worn out easier than most people. bacteria that you and i can just cough out or kill gets caught in the extra thick mucus in her lungs and lodges itself there. this is always a risk as well. so the other day i went to the hospital with her and she got a pick line put in. its an intravenous needle that goes in her arm and has a little skinny tube that runs the length of a main vein into her chest. i watched the nurse push in the initial needle (with a little hole in the middle) then through the hole she pushed this 20" hairline tube up the inside of a vein. Silvia Midtown could feel it going around her shoulder and into her chest. the reason for this is administration of strong antibiotics into a high blood flow area to kill the bacteria stuck in her lungs. its an ongoing thing. too much for one person to have to suffer through, i say. most of the time she's happier than most chicks i've known ever were. the whole thing is caused by a recessive gene at birth. everyone has two CF genes. if you have two good, your fine. if you have one good, one bad your fine. if you get two bad, you got it. she got rid of thyroid cancer last year also. her parents are born-again backwoods morons who say stress and the fact that Silvia Midtown isnt "living in the word of god" are the reasons she has what she has. i let them pull that shit once in a suprise attack one night at dinner over at their house about a week ago. (should have seen it coming, but i didnt.) if they pull that shit again i'll be forced to intervene and point out to them that, contrary to what they are spewing, each of them has one good, one bad CF gene. they happened to pass one bad gene each on to their daughter. its no biblical enigma, this is the reason she has the disease. its fairly common knowledge that stress does cause health problems. even cancer. they are too narrow-minded, just this side of stupid to see that all they are accomplishing by their behavior are further problems...ie: soveig's health has nothing to do with the fuckin bible. anyway, i was going to ask what you are doing with the cats/house during your sojourn. do you have someone to pretend they live there, you know, get the mail, pick up the papers off my campsite (your front porch), etc. ill be there for a week and more at least after the wedding so let me know. time for an unemployment beer. g LD: hello. i was wondering how you are doing. i was wondering what you are doing. went to the string cheese shows in bozeman and msla this weekend. i heard a few great ones, but the scene is deteriorating into the new phil lot. it was pretty sad to tell you the truth. maybe its just all the druggies on fall tour because everyone else knows how cold it gets and prefers to stay home. who knows. i found some bad ass galleries in bozeman, so it was very much worth it. i dont really know exactly how to say what i want to say. and i thought i might just keep it to myself since you had no response to that long letter i sent a while ago. but i want to tell you this and i want to know how it makes you feel. ok? i told you i am seeing Silvia Midtown and that we spend a lot of time together. i told you she is coming to chicago for the wedding. this is not because our relationship is so serious i am bringing her to meet my family or that i cant be away from her for two weeks. its because she wants to go, we have fun, and id like to have a date to my brothers wedding. i all the time thought it would be you with me, but that thought went out the window when you left montana. i am not trying to play any mind games with you so dont think that. what i have been feeling is a very big deal to me. i would like to know if it is to you: i have been thinking a lot about the baby. maybe some people would say i shouldnt do that---but i have been, so i think i should. maybe some people would say i shouldnt bring this up to you like this because its hard and maybe you are trying to forget about it or something---but you are THE only person i want to share this with, so i am. i know all this time apart is good to let things heal. its also a good amount of time ive had to think about things as well. maybe you have too, i dont know. when i told you i was feeling good about you being pregnant out on the front lawn, i was not just saying that, nor was i exaggerating. here is what i am trying to say. this is what i have been feeling: maybe you and i are a good match. for a baby. for life. g
i have been enjoying bonny doon tastes for quite some time now. so much so, that i had a few empties around the studio and incorporated the excellent labels into four of my new oil paintings. i have attached here a .jpg you may have seen in the past. also, please be looking out for an invitation card to the upcoming Nov 29 opening reception at the gallery space. the postcard invite shows another of the paintings in full color with a "big red" in a desolate landscape. consequently, during a four hour stint of painting last when i was working on another containing the "big red" label, i had the idea that, since there will be three or four paintings on the walls with bonny dune bottles, it would be a witty and cool idea to have a couple bottles around for people to sip on as they inspect the new works. i thought you and bonny doon may have a bottle or two laying around that you'd like to donate to an always important cause: new art. i'd buy the bottles myself, but being as though the exhibition and sale has not yet taken place, the heating bill in montana october takes precedence. keep an eye out for the invite, thanks-- Leonard ***
rhythm mountain studios www.radio-qmx.org "Good people, you know how to create poems in the minds of saints and maybe you've never even picked up a pen." OUTLAW: american poems on the run by Leonard Treadway Available spring 2003. http://ninearts.org MC:
i needed tonight some props for a painting. i hopped in my truck with a couple of coldies and headed toward kalispell, the only somewhat real town within reasonable driving distance. i got the goods and started toward home, still enjoying a few autumn fat tires, need no summer cooler whenst you stash them through the sliding glass rear-windshield of your northwoods pickup. i had been listening to widespread panic for days and grew tired of blue indian. and in the graceful intermission between 'till the medicine takes' and my newest choice, jimmy page and the infamous crowes, i got a short but lovely taste of the only rock and roll radio station i believe exhists on the airwaves of this desolate mountain sect-o-graph of our USA-- i caught the last two verses of one song i have not heard in a long, long time: November Rain. as i swirved (reaching to turn up the volume so i could hear--amongst the rest--that sweeet home bass line) i thought of three things. here is what they were: that dirty-ass bottom floor of our red, wedged-shaped home-for-two-years in nowhere's-ville peoria illinois, you...and keith. LD: the other emails, especially the last one, the long one, contain my feelings so dont disregard those. and if you dont have them anymore, i can resend the long one. im not sure, of course what exactly is the best thing to do. i have never stopped loving you and many times i have thought about how we have worked our way through two years with many rough spots, but maybe that is a good thing. maybe that is just what happens when two people are growing up...together. honestly, i dont even want to go through all that again with someone else. i have come to fully realize that i like what we had. i very well could do it with someone else, though, if thats whats best for me and my work, because its important to me to have someone to care for and love and take care of the way i love to. i still dont know what will happen though. i need to know some things and i need you to spend time answering these things. if you have to print this out, take it somewhere and think about them, do that. i need to know what you want with your life. i need to know where your motivation comes from to get up and be productive with your day. and im not talking about babysitting for money under the table, or waiting tables at a bar. im talking about getting yourself into the position to spend everyday doing exactly what you figured best you are here to do. i need to know what you think about me. and what has happened with us. i need to know exactly what you have done and why with this other person in durango. what feelings do you have and why did it happen so quickly after leaving our house. did you just want sex? did you have sex? jumping right into bed like that (if you did, and i kindof think you did) with someone makes me a little aprehensive to trust you like i used to. it makes me wonder what your standards for yourself are. what are your standards for yourself? do you like this person? or were you just acting thoughtlessly and some sex sounded good since you hadnt had it in a while? maybe you thought it would help in getting over "us". i need for you to understand what you did and explain it to me. i need you to convince me that none of those rumors ever happened at the village well. i need you to grow up, challenge yourself, take chances with your mind, be intellegent and still be the beautiful wonderful girl i met in lyons. i would like nothing in the world more than if you could make me feel like i can trust you like i trust my own family. you know i have a lot of solid things in my life. i like it that way. i want a solid life. i want a solid wife. and i at least for now, want the possibility of having a solid child someday to teach and love. please think about all these things and even write about them one by one because there is a lot there and none of it is any less important than the rest. g
there is more to it than that, actually. i want to know that you are understanding what you are doing. but if you dont think its important to answer those questions i have then, for you, its not important. however what that means is that you dont think its important for me to feel good about the way you think about things...this, as you know, is not how i am. please, at least, answer this one, all of it (although i would still like for you to answer them all). and if you cant do that in a honest way, than dont even write me back and i wont bother sending you any more letters. im not trying to be tough guy, that's just how i feel. you ask me what i am trying to do? exactly what it seems like, understand that if we were to get back together that you would be the one i would marry. you would be the mother of my children and you would be the one i would be more content than anyone else, spending the rest of my life with. but if you cant answer a few questions that would (hopefully) lead up to this conviction...then fuck it--it never would have worked out anyway. ********** i need to know what you want with your life. i need to know where your motivation comes from to get up and be productive with your day. and im not talking about babysitting for money under the table, or waiting tables at a bar. im talking about getting yourself into the position to spend everyday doing exactly what you figured best you are here to do. i need to know what you think about me. and what has happened with us. i need to know exactly what you have done and why with this other person in durango. what feelings do you have and why did it happen so quickly after leaving our house. did you just want sex? did you have sex? jumping right into bed like that (if you did, and i kindof think you did) with someone makes me a little aprehensive to trust you like i used to. it makes me wonder what your standards for yourself are. what are your standards for yourself? do you like this person? or were you just acting thoughtlessly and some sex sounded good since you hadnt had it in a while? maybe you thought it would help in getting over "us". i need for you to understand what you did and explain it to me. i need you to convince me that none of those rumors ever happened at the village well. i need you to grow up, challenge yourself, take chances with your mind, be intellegent and still be the beautiful wonderful girl i met in lyons. i would like nothing in the world more than if you could make me feel like i can trust you like i trust my own family. you know i have a lot of solid things in my life. i like it that way. i want a solid life. i want a solid wife. and i at least for now, want the possibility of having a solid child someday to teach and love. please think about all these things and even write about them one by one because there is a lot there and none of it is any less important than the rest. CB: hi there. long time no see. im hoping the train out of whitefish in about two hours for chicago. i havent been there in eight months and i cant wait. i need to get out of the woods for a while. i met a new girl, Silvia Midtown, she's coming with. she's never been on a cross-country train and never been to chicago, so she cant wait either. we are going to stay for two weeks and i think ill spend half that time at the art institute.
LT
***
rhythm mountain studios www.radio-qmx.org "Good people, you know how to create poems in the minds of saints and maybe you've never even picked up a pen." OUTLAW: american poems on the run by Leonard Treadway
http://ninearts.org AT: AT--
anyway, we'll be here till tuesday i think, so maybe we can get together this weekend. its a little difficult with the little nilla. we went down to the art institute all day, the little one was a whiny mess by the end of the afternoon. im planning to take Silvia Midtown to a theatre production saturday night, if all goes well getting someone to sit with nilla. if it works, we should get some people together for after that. maybe you'd wanna go to the show as well? lemme get the info..... ok... its Picasso at the Lapin Agile (steve martin comedy...fictitious encounter between pablo and albert einstein in a turn of the century parisian art bar). let me know whats up wi-chew. LT ps may be sticking around for three month web dev gig in the loop @!+=.!!..yee hah... AT: howdy.
im going to make a few calls to try and resussitate the situation. hopefully we will be sipping suds along side you sometime this evening...i know where you'll be. soon,
JO: thanks for the info on europe. i might use one of the Sikkim, India programs at naropa as a backup plan for fall 2003. (im going to apply also to the university of Portland digital media studies first.) it seems much more economical if im going to go to prague to go on my own. naropa is hosting its second annual international writers festival there for two weeks in may. if i can sell some paintings at this show, maybe ill hit that and stay in some cheap room in the city. i was thinking we didnt even hang out in wicker or show Silvia Midtown the gallery places i've been in there, or even show her around your place, swirls, etc. shortness on time i guess. i also think it will be very difficult to not be with her while still living here, simply because she's the only person of decent standings who i hang out with. i dont know, we'll see. that is always a difficult situation. i guess you are maybe wondering what about coming to chicago: i hit two storms on the way to missoula and thinking about still having 1400 more miles to go, i stopped and did some quick math, realizing what i should have realized before i got that far: the money it would cost to drive, i could use to have the paintings shipped. this was a good move, because i also talked to someone yesterday whose friends came out from the east and there are storms all the way past chicago. that would have sucked the biggie. i need a bigger truck if i stay in montana. CM: hey stranger, sorry its been so long, i woke up this morning wondering how you are doing. i think i thought about you because i started thinking about wicker park, etc. im painting full time now and have this huge show in whitefish coming up. im working on framing about half of the 25 paintings right now. when thats done, i should be ready for the most part. i had a meeting with the manager of the space yesterday to go over some final details. two weeks or so till hang day. then the opening is going to be the day after thanksgiving. i have a list of things to finish once this show is hung and out of my way. hopefully some of the new paintings will sell and i can continue to pay some rent. thats always a good thing. how are you? hows teaching? hows your dude? i guess he's probably not such a dude, i dont think you would be with a chump. i hope he's treating you well (although im sure you wouldnt stick around if that werent the case, too independent and smart.) what else is new? i found a digital media studies program at the university of Portland that looks really interesting. it incorporates computer science, web development/design, creative writing, and psychology among some other subjects and things. i might apply for fall 2003 because even painting full time, i dont know how long i can stay in the woods, as peaceful as it is. long enough to finish my current list, but once thats done, it may be time for a city. Download 2 Mb. Share with your friends:
|