Flying Pig Productions Present The Seagull Has Landed 11th
Sandy Aiberdeen in brackets…
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- [Blackout] [Project: Mither’s front room.] Mither; Selma and Eddie’s visit [Mid-Stage Blacks Out]
- [Blackout] Hilton John; “I Guess That I’m In Love with My Coo” [Project: Pigs Rampant]
- [Project: Hilton John] Moray Ma heart is aflame, Jist look at me, you’ll see I’m in rapture Youre one of a kind. I can honestly claim
- You were simply the best Ever since, I confess, I’ve loved you so. My mates think Im feel.
- Fan they say you’ve nae class, and that I canna tak ye for my bride I am fit tae be tied. Cos the wee things that you do
- Time in the fields, wiping sharn fae my shoes My life is rosy. Where is the harm in Getting a bosie Files I am farmin’
Sandy Aiberdeen in brackets…Alexander Aiberdeen in brackets, Sandy, as you always say, is number 11-5! Mr Taylor, Mr Taylor, this is your first een o’ the day. Noo are y’a limbered up and ready to roll, boy? Mr Taylor Mr Chairman, the application is made on behalf of my client, Belmont Holdings Limited. Alexander [Noting down] Belmont, Belmont, holdings…. Mr Taylor The Board may remember them? They recently carried out a conversion to turn a church into a pub. Alexander Oh yes, Mr Taylor, I mind fine on that. Alec Certainly! Sandy A unique development! Alexander A one-off, Mr Taylor, and not the kind of thing this Committee would be likely to forget. Mr Taylor The application is for the continuation of a regular 3 a.m. licence on their existing premises in Belmont Street. Alexander A late, a late licence. Mr Taylor The application is routine in nature and I would hope it would commend itself to the Board. Alexander Oh? [There are meaningful glances among the Board members] You’re counting your chickens a bit there are ye nae Mr Taylor? This Board his become increasingly concerned by the number of late licenses presently in operation. A great deal of time and money is spent policing the folk at come stotting oot o’ places like your client’s premises a’ lagered up and feeling punchy. Sandy And Punchy’s getting fed up wi’ it. Alexander And then there’s a’ the urine and vomit that hiv tae be cleaned fae the street Sandy If only folk wid boak first and sluice it away second it widna be so bad, but ye canna tell these young eens onything. Alexander Not forgetting the effects upon the revellers themselves, Mr. Taylor. I hiv in mind the young ladies o’ this toon in particular. There’s a hale generation for whom a good time involves ga’an oot…… Sandy In skimpy claes…… Alexander Roamin’ aboot fae bar to bar…. Sandy Running as they go…. Alexander Seeking alcopops here and drinks promotions there … Sandy Paps flappin’ aboot. Alexander Drinking and drinking, their judgment getting mair and mair impaired until they get themselves inveigled in bad company. For too long these licenses hiv been given oot Willie-Millerly, but the Board will not stand idly by onymair. Sandy No! It’s high time we took a mair hands-on approach! Alexander I’ve given anxious consideration to how this might be achieved and I have come to the conclusion that the only way we can speak with authority on the state of Aiberdeen’s nightlife is to say that before any further late licences are granted to any bar or nightclub which is regularly packed oot wi boozy tottie each and every one of those premises must submit itself, this Friday night, Sandy Good for me Alexander To a site visit. Gentlemen? Alec Certainly! Sandy A site visit! Alexander A site – a site visit! [Blackout] [Project: Mither’s front room.] Mither; Selma and Eddie’s visit [Mid-Stage Blacks Out] Mither Faither? Faither Aha? Mither Noo, Faither. Dinna get angry. Dinna get upset. Faither Eh? Mither I’ve hid Selma on the phone. Faither Ye hid Selma on the phone, very good, aha. Ye didna answer it did ye? Mither Yes! So she kens we’re in….. Faither She kens you’re in. Mither No, ye hinna time, faither, they’ll be here ony minute. Faither They? Oh, Eddie’s nae comin’ an’ a’ is he? Mither Aye… Faither Damn it! Mither Promise ye’ll behave, faither. Faither Oh, I’ll behave. Until he mentions B&Q I’ll behave fine. Mither I ken he disna hae the maist interesting conversation….. Faither Fit in the hell wye did ye answer the phone to Selma? I mean fit d’ye think we took caller display for? Mither I ken faither but I didna recognise the number. I think she wis in a call-box. Faither The sleekit auld besom! She’s awyse one step ahead! Mither And the news gets nae better, faither. She’s been bakin’. Faither Oh, no! Mither Promise ye’ll hae at at least a bittie o’ date loaf. You likes a bit date loaf. Faither Aye, but nae Selma’s. Mither It is sometimes a bittie hard…. Faither A bittie hard? It blunts the bloody knife cutting it! Mither Oh bit faither, she maks it especially for you. Faither Only cos you eence said I liked it. You’d nae business saying I liked it. Mither Oh, bit please faither. Hae a bittie. Jist to keep the peace. Faither I’ve nae interest in keeping the peace! It’s keeping the peace leaves us saddled wi the pair o’ them! We should have telt them fit we think o’ them lang ago. That wye we widna prisoners in wir ain hame. [Sfx: Doorbell] Living in constant fear o’ date loaf! Mither You be a brave little sodger. Oh, faither! Look fa it is! Selma Hello Watty. Faither Selma. Eddie. Eddie Hello Margaret. Watty. At’s a rare display o’ flooers ye’ve got oot the front there, Watty. Faither Thank you, Eddie. Eddie Rare and bonny. Faither Aha. Eddie Fit a’ wid ye hiv there? I think I saw roses. Faither Aye, ye’d hiv seen roses, aha. Eddie Chrysanthemums. Hyacinths. Marigolds. Pansies. A Livingston daisy. Forget-me-nots…. Faither Naebody could forget you, Eddie. Eddie A rare display athegither. Did ye buy ony of it fae B&Q? Faither No. Eddie Some folks are very down on it but I gets a lot of my stuff fae B&Q. Faither Oh, I ken ye do. Mither And fit’s in that bag, Selma? Selma Good news, Margaret. I’ve been baking. Watty’s favourite! Date loaf! Mither Oh Selma, that’s super. Fit d’ye say, Watty? Faither Thank you. Mither Let’s awa and get this on the go then Selma. Faither [Sotto voce] The chisel’s in the tool-box. Selma Fit’s that Watty? Faither Nithin’. Eddie So then Watty. How’s it goin’? Faither Och, nae too bad. Working awa. Eddie Working awa. Nae something I can say noo. Faither How are ye finding yer retirement, Eddie? Eddie Oh, jist rare. I canna tell ye foo much I’m enjoying it. It’s jist a laugh a minute. Wakin’ up in the morning and ken that ye dinna hae to ging into yer work. Lying there in yer bed thinking will I rise or will I tak anither 5, 10 mintees? And thinking, I’ll tak that 5, 10 mintees. Cos I dinna hiv to ging in to my work. Foo lang hiv you got to go, Watty? Faither Five years. Eddie Five years, Watty. Five years. Oh I couldna thole the thought o’ five mair years. Cos the last years is the langest, Watty. Ye’ll feel like the clock’s going backwards. It’ll drag on and on and on. Ye ken the feeling I’m spikken aboot? Faither Oh, I ken the feeling, Eddie. I wonder wid there be onything on telly of noo? Eddie Five years, Watty. I couldna thole yon. Although saying that I’m nae idle. I’m awfa busy. In fact, Watty, some days I’m jist a blur. I’ve my bowlin. And my gairden. And my D.I.Y. I pit up shelves the ither day. I got them fae B&Q. They’ve a good range, ye ken. Faither Hiv they. Eddie They’ve solid timber. Medium Density Fibreboard. Easy-clean melamine. Glass. Aluminum. Oh, aye, they’ve a’ types o’ shelves. I got timber eens. Faither Ye divil. Eddie I swithered. Cos there wiz nithing wrang wi the ither eens. I hid a good look at the Medium Density Fibreboard. I hid a good look at the melamine. I hid a good look at the gless…. Faither And there wiz nithing wrang them ye jist preferred the timber een? Eddie Aye. They’ve a good range of screws in an a. Faither And them a DIY warehouse superstore. Jesus Christ, fa’d have thought it, Eddie. Eddie They hid a ¾ inch screw, which I thocht wiz a bittie short. And they hid a 1 and a quarter inch, which I thocht wiz a bittie long. And I thocht to myself, noo Eduardo, fit’ll we dae here? Foo’re we gaan tae get aroon this een? And I stood there. And I thocht. And….. Faither Did you buy a one-inch screw in the end, Eddie? Eddie I did in the end, Watty, aye. At’s a bare looking bit of wa’ ower there, Watty. Faither I’m nae pitting up shelves, Eddie. Eddie Well I suppose ye dinna hae the time. I hae the time, noo I’m retired. As a matter o’ fact, I pit up shelves mysel’ the ither day. I got them fae B&Q. They’ve a good range, ye ken Faither Far the hell’s that date loaf!? Mither [Re-entering with Selma] Comin’ faither, coming. Selma He diz love a bit o’ my date loaf. [Blackout] Hilton John; “I Guess That I’m In Love with My Coo” [Project: Pigs Rampant] [Sfx: V/o intro and backing track –“I Guess that’s Why They Call It The Blues”] Please welcome the singer whose hits include “Midstocket Man” and “Torry Seems to Be the Hardest Word”. Mister Hilton John! [Project: Hilton John] Moray Ma heart is aflame, Jist look at me, you’ll see I’m in rapture You're one of a kind. I can honestly claim, A beauty nae artist could capture. You first caught my eye on that bright summer’s day so long ago At the Banchory Show. You were simply the best Ever since, I confess, I’ve loved you so. My mates think I'm feel. They laugh at me, they call you a heifer. They don't understand, our feelings are real, I ken we'd be happy together. Fan they say you’ve nae class, and that I canna tak ye for my bride I am fit tae be tied. 'Cos the wee things that you do Mak this fairmin’ loon glow wi pride And I guess that I’m in love with my coo [Project: Attractive cow] Time in the fields, wiping sharn fae my shoes My life is rosy. Where is the harm in Getting a bosie Files I am farmin’? And I guess that I’m in love with my coo [Blackout] [Mid-Stage Blacks In] The Liar – Marathon Man Bill Hello Maurice. Maurice Oh hello, there, Bill. [He breathes out hard.] Whooh! Excuse me Bill. Excuse me just while I catch my breath. It takes it out of you, you know Bill, [in a laboured way as he sits] it does do that. Bill What takes it out of you Maurice? Maurice Well the effort, you know Bill, the sheer physical strain involved. In running the marathon. Bill Oh. Maurice Oh Bill, oh? Is that all that you can say to recognise my tremendous achievement? Twenty six miles of footslogging and toil merit’s an “oh”, does it? Churlish, Bill, very churlish. I didn’t see you out there. Bill Well no, you wouldn’t, Maurice. I couldn’t run a marathon. Maurice I’m sure that’s right Bill, sad to say, you’ve rather let yourself run to seed. No, I didn’t see you out there, Bill. As I breasted the tape. Bill Breasted the tape? Maurice Mmm-hmm. Bill That would mean you’d won, Maurice. Maurice Indeed it would, Bill. Took me rather by surprise as well. I started out among the fun runners, Bill, but after 5miles I’d burned them off and was in amongst the international field, there. I didn’t have it all my own way, I must confess. Paula Radcliffe was proving rather difficult to shake off until we ran down past the Dee, where the sound of running water had all too predictable consequences. “Stick a cork in it love”, I quipped. After that there was a very good Kenyan chap stayed with me, Bill, a noble adversary, until he hit the wall at the 18th mile, there. The wall of the Cowdray Hall, I think it was. Silly bugger, should never have tried to cut that corner. I took that as my signal to kick so I kicked hard – the chuckies it was I kicked him in, he was never going to get up after that, Bill and from there on in, it was a pretty straightforward sprint for the last 8 miles. So yes, it was a good run out at that marathon today Bill. 1 hour 23 I think my time was. The race itself was a bit of a canter although I must say the lap of honour fairly took it out of me. Bill 1 hour 23 is very good Maurice. Maurice Yes Bill, I was rather pleased with it myself. Bill Almost an hour off the world record, in fact. Maurice Well there you go. All in all quite a satisfactory morning Bill and so you find me here, taking on some fluid to restore the body’s natural balance. Bill 80 shilling ale’s good for that is it, Maurice? Maurice Not generally, Bill but the isotonic 80 they do here is pretty good, yes. Bill Isotonic 80 shilling ale? Maurice Yes, this is the last pint of it though, Bill. Jim’s away changing the barrel, so don’t go and ask for it, you’ll only make a fool of yourself. Bill Maurice, you don’t get isotonic 80 shilling ale. You cannot run 26 miles in 1 hour 23 minutes. And there hasn’t been a marathon run in Aberdeen since 1991. Maurice I’m away for a shite. [Blackout] [Project: Sign - “SURGERY STAFF ARE HERE TO ASSIST YOU. PHYSICAL OR VERBAL ABUSE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED”] [Mid-stage Blacks Out] The Doctor’s Receptionist; Telephone Appointments Only Woman: Hello. Can I make an appointment to see the Doctor, please? Receptionist: Ha ah ha ah ha. No. Woman I - I’m sorry? Receptionist We only accept appointments by phone, madam. Woman: Why do you do that? Receptionist It’s for your convenience. Woman: What’s convenient about it? Receptionist It means ye can phone fae hame and nae hiv to come traipsyin’ into toon. Stupid cow. Woman I was in town anyway, so would Dr Grant be available around 1.30 on Thursday? Receptionist Weel, mebbe he wid. Mebbe he wid to somebody that wint through ‘e proper channels. [Sfx: Telephone ring] Surgery? Certainly. Dr Grant, 1.30 on Thursday? Fit? Woman Have you just given my appointment to someone else? Receptionist I da ken. Hiv I? Fit’s your name? Woman Mrs Banner. Receptionist Weel then, no. No, I hivnae. Cos all the appointments is entered into this diary, having first been made through this phone, here. There’s nothing in here about a Mrs Banner. Woman This is silly… Receptionist I da mak the rules. I jist follow them to the letter. Woman But….. Receptionist “But” ye say? I dinna like “but”. “But” sounds like an argument to me. Or abuse! Ye see this sign? I could get you de-listed. Getting’ you de-listed is nithin to me. Woman Look, I’m sorry. Receptionist At’s right, wifie. Read it and weep! Woman So I’ve to phone? Receptionist Ah-ha. Woman Alright then. [Sfx: Telephone ring] Receptionist Surgery? Woman Hello. It’s Mrs Banner here. When would be the first available appointment for Dr Grant? Receptionist That wid be Tuesday at 4.30. Woman That’s in 2 minutes. Receptionist Yes. Woman Well that will be fine. Receptionist OK. Woman Mrs Banner for 4.30? Receptionist The doctor will see you now. Bitch! [Blackout] [Mid-Stage Blacks In] The Licensing Board - Sex Shop Alexander Now the next application. For consideration. By the executive commit-tee of the licensing board Directory: wp-content -> uploads -> 2010 2010 -> Hr 116 Application for Employment with Hills and Dales 2010 -> Polimaster ltd V. Rae systems inc polimaster ltd.; Na&se trading co., Limited, Plaintiffs-Appellants 2010 -> The game a morality play in one act by Louise Bryant 2010 -> Seamheads at sabr 40 2010 -> Curriculum vitae 2010 -> Mid atlantic coaching clinic 2010 -> The Case for Integrating Crisis Response with Social Media Chapter One: Introduction 2010 -> Press pack shamrock Bowl XXIV american football – Tallaght Stadium 2010 -> Andy Northedge1 2010 -> Partnership Brokers Training Download 347.99 Kb. Share with your friends:
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