Flying Pig Productions Present The Seagull Has Landed 11th
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- The Liar – Gary Potter
- At Codonas!
[Blackout][Project: Pigs Rampant] [Mid-stage Blacks Out] Glen Camphill; “Thainstone Cowboy” [Sfx: v/o intro and backing track -“Rhinestone Cowboy”] Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the finest exponent of Scottish Country and Western Music since Sydney Devine, Glen Camphill! [Project: Glen Camphill 45 cover] Steve I may look like a couthy chiel, But ma freens I’m naeb’dys feel. An’ the place I embrace as a base is near Inverurie. My trade is in automobiles, So look oot fer me fan ye need a new set o’ wheels. Ye need a car, I’ve got the one sir, Although I am an affa chuncer. Each motor stocked his been clocked and mair than just eence. I’m the Thainstone cowboy An I’ll sell ye a heap aye it’s cheap but it disnae go. I’m the Thainstone Cowboy I’ve a pitch at the mart where I part the foolish fae their dough And prices, like standards, are low Well I niver miss auction night, It’s a truly upliftin’ sight, seeing hunners o’mugs who might be parted from readies. When I say that “this cars a must” I omit “it wont get you hame, it’s a bucket o rust”, Oh there are plenty dopey punters Drive away in Cut and Shunters Though the badge on the bonnet says “Ford” The boot one dis nae. I’m the Thainstone cowboy And I’m here twice a week There’s nae refunds and nae warranty I’m the Thainstone Cowboy Every car’s a death trap That’s the closest tae a guarantee, That you will iver get oot o’me. [Blackout] [Mid-Stage Blacks In] Archie and Davie on Five a Day Part II [Lights up to reveal the usual bench set-up. Davie is hamming into a slice of watermelon. There are 4 other watermelon around him.] Davie A real bloody chav the day, Archie. Archie I can recommend the grapes, though. [He throws a handful into his mouth.] [Blackout][Project: Modern stained glass window] [Mid-stage Blacks Out] The Inappropriate Musician [Sfx: “The Lord’s my shepherd” on church organ] Minister: Good morning. I’ve just been speaking with the bereaved, who intimated, for the first time, that their father, the deceased, was a very keen ornithologist; and so they were wondering if, instead of the usual music they might be able to enter the crematorium to the sound of bird song. I don’t know how these…synthesizers work. Is that the kind of thing that would be…feasible? Organist: Oh yes, yes, yes yes. That’s no problem at all. Minister That’s very good of you. I’m sure it will provide them with much comfort. [The Minister takes up his position solemnly. The organist launches into a spirited rendition of ‘The Birdie Song’] [Blackout] [Mid-Stage Tabs In] The Liar – Gary Potter[Bill sits with his pint and a book ignoring Maurice who has a notebook and a pencil. Maurice mutters, looks agitated, scribbles something in the notebook and then violently scores it out, exclaiming:] Maurice Oh, no no no. It will never do, Maurice, it will never do! Bill What’s that Maurice? Maurice Oh, Bill, it breaks my heart. It breaks my great big talented, literary heart. Bill What does? Maurice [More violent scoring out and then the page is ripped, balled up and thrown on the word “hurdle”] Back to square one and with the end so near, Bill, with the final hurdle so closely in sight. Bill I have no idea what you’re talking about, Maurice. Maurice Oh yes. Sorry Bill. I was forgetting myself there, forgetting that you’re not in on the secret. Bill The secret? Maurice The secret, Bill, yes. It’s a solitary business, Bill. Writing. Scribbling away, closeted in your garret. I once met Lesley Garret you know, Bill, and spent a most enjoyable and indeed wanton evening with her, Natasha Kaplinsky and a Terry’s Chocolate Orange. But out of due deference to all concerned I won’t bring that story through to it’s colourful conclusion. Because that is a joyful story, Bill, a story of joy. Whereas I am not at the present time in a joyful humour. Bill No Maurice? Maurice No Bill, no. I am weighed down, weighed down with the cares of the world. Has not what I’ve said so far in any way pricked your curiosity, William? Don’t you want to ask me why I am weighed down by the cares of the world? [Bill considers the options and with a heavy heart asks] Bill Alright then Maurice, why are you weighed down by the cares of the world? Maurice What a question Bill, what would lead you to ask such a thing? Bill [Getting annoyed] You told me that you were just a moment ago. Maurice Ah, the cares of the world, the cares of the world Bill, yes, I’ve got you now. Yes Bill, I am weighed down with the cares of the world because of the writing, you see Bill? The responsibility of creation. Bill What exactly is it that you’re writing at the moment, Maurice? Maurice Only the denouement, Bill, only the conclusion of the story that is kept half the world in breathless anticipation for the greater part of the decade. Only that Bill. Only the seventh and final book in the trilogy. Bill Oh God. You’re talking about… Maurice Gary Potter Bill, yes. The young boy lizard in whose hands the fate of humanity rests. Bill I thought it was J K Rowling that wrote the Potter books Maurice. Maurice Oh yes Bill, it is. And that is me. Me! I am J K Rowling, Bill. It’s me! Yes! I chose a pseudonym because I couldn’t stand all the adulation – as you know I’m a shy and retiring soul, Bill, you struggle to get a cheep out of me. Bill But… Maurice Oh yes, Bill, when I think back to when dashed out the first of the Gary Potter books during tea breaks at work, written in blood sweat and tears. Quite literally – my poverty was so acute that I couldn’t afford ink so I had to make my own from bodily fluids. 3 parts blood to one part sweat and add a few tears for binding. But even then, even then Bill, I knew that I was producing a work of such seminal quality that it would be necessary, if I was to have any semblance of a normal life thereafter, for it to be published under a nom de plum, yes. But what to choose, Bill, what to choose? Rowling I selected as it was an anagram of “Low-Ring”, the gas mark on which I cooked up my home-made ink, and the initials J K, of course, were chosen in tribute to the Scottish entertainer on whom my school-boy hero was based: Little Jimmy Krankie there. Bill Maurice, She’s a woman. Maurice Krankie? Are you sure? Bill No, J K Rowling. She’s a woman. I’ve seen her. Maurice Oh Bill. Don’t tell me silly old Bill’s taken the bait? That creature, Bill, who steps up to take the plaudits? She’s just a cover Bill, no more than a pasty. Irene McAlister, her name is. Single mother from Portknockie, a hopeless case but she’s well looked after. Gets a bottle of cooking sherry for each appearance. And I must say old Irene’s kept the bloodhounds off my trail so far. But, while she draws the paparazzi away from me, I scribble, I write, I dream but now I find myself riddled with self-doubt, Bill. Is the world ready for the ending which I have written? Is it too much for the villain… Bill What’s the villain’s name Maurice? Maurice Is it too much for the villain to actually derail and destroy the Hogwash express, killing all the little boy-lizards? What is to become of the eponymous figure introduced in the penultimate book of the trilogy there, the famous half-blood - orange? Bill Half-blood Prince, Maurice. Maurice What’s that you say Bill? Bill The sixth gripping instalment in your triology of seven was about a half blood prince. And the boys are wizards Maurice, not lizards. And your hero is called [he holds up the book he is reading so it can be seen] Harry Potter. Maurice Bloody proof editor. I’ll kill him! I’m away for a shite. [Grabs Bills book and exits] [Blackout.] [Project: Sign “Surgery staff are here to assist... etc”] [Mid-Stage Blacks Out] Clash of the Titans [The Bloke makes his way to the reception desk. The receptionist sees him coming. She gets her hatch closed. She then works away, never looking in the Bloke’s direction.] Bloke Hello. I wondering if I could get my blood test results, please? The name’s Banner. Hello? [He gently chaps on the glass] Receptionist [Opens hatch; indicates a notice] Dinna chap on the glass. There is a bell on ‘e coonter. [Closes hatch] Bloke I’m sorry, I didn’t… [He stops, amazed, as the hatch is closed again] Alright. [He presses the bell. Nothing.] The bell isn’t working. Hello? [He goes to chap on the glass again but a censorious finger again indicates the notice.] Oh, bloody hell! Receptionist [Opens the hatch] Ye can leave that gutter mouth o yours outside, sir! Bloke Gutter mouth!? Receptionist I am entitled to be treated wi respect in my workplace and nae to be sworn at by a cock-less wonder like you. [She moves to close the hatch again.] Bloke How dare you … [The bloke puts his hand in the way to prevent the closing of the hatch] Don’t close that bloody hatch on me! Receptionist I hiv a panic button here! Bloke Well press it. If it’ll bring someone who’s prepared to listen to a civilised request, by all means, fire away. Receptionist Oh, I’ll deal wi’ ye OK. As lang as ye dae things in ‘e proper wye. Bloke [Indicating bell] The bell is broken. What else am I to do? [Pause] Now. I promise I will remove my hand if you promise not to close the hatch. Receptionist [Mumble mumble mumble] Bloke I’m sorry? Receptionist I winna close the hatch. Bloke Good. [Hand is removed] I wonder if I might have my test results. [Sfx: clock chiming.] Receptionist [Smiling thinly] I’m sorry, bloods is only available for collection in person between 1 and 3.00. It’s noo efter that time. Bloke What? Oh, come on. It was well before 3.00 when I got here. Receptionist That’s neither here nor there. The request wiz made efter 3.00 and results are no longer available for collection in person. [Pause, then slyly] You could get them if ye phone. Bloke You say I can get them if I phone? Receptionist Mmm-hmm. Bloke Alright [Gets his mobile out] Receptionist Ah ah ah! The call has to come from yer hame number! We’ve hid this problem before. [She indicates a bit of crossing out and an amendment to the rules. Thinking she has him, she moves to close the hatch again.] Bloke Don’t close that hatch. I would just like to be clear in my understanding of the situation. I live six miles away. [He has a moment] I have a house in Banchory Devenick. I potter about in the garden and I listen to blackbirds sing. I’m very happy there. [Coming to] and when I phoned for my results earlier you told me to come into town to get them in person. Receptionist [Pointing] Aye, but that’s because…. Bloke [Stopping her] I’m sure there is a rule. I don’t doubt it. But now, you are sending me home to phone to get them. Receptionist Aye, but… Bloke [Stopping her again] Please? [Pause] If you confirm that I now need to go home and phone you from there, I will not ask you for my test results again. But something will happen. When I look back on it later, I will not be proud. But it will happen, nevertheless! Receptionist [Slyly, and just a little feart] I s’pose I could gie ye them in person. Bloke That’s very gracious of you. Receptionist Your name? Bloke Banner. Receptionist [Flicking through papers] Mr Banner. [She clears her throat; then speaks extremely loudly] Helicobacter? Negative. Anaemia? Negative. Herpes? [With huge relish] Positive! Bloke What!? Receptionist [Very quietly] Sorry, negative. [Loudly again] Syphilis…. Bloke Don’t shout them out like a town cryer, woman! Receptionist Negative. Gonorrhoea….. Bloke [Losing it] Don’t shout them out! Receptionist I’m jist speakin’ clearly. Your test results are important to you. Bloke And it’s equally important that no-one else knows what they are! How would you like it if everyone knew what was wrong with you? Mind you, we do. By God, we do. We know that just by looking at you. [The Bloke’s wife enters] Look at you. Standing there with a face like you’ve just sucked a bagful of lemons just waiting to find a way to stick the knife in and twist it! Oh yes, we know what’s wrong with you, don’t we, you vile bloody harridan! You petty brainless witch! Wife Hello Alistair. Bloke Hello darling. [Double take; he jumps in fear] Byargh! [Wife zaps the receptionist.] [Sfx: Tazer] Wife There dear. [Checking his notes] Oh. Apparently it’s your thyroid. Bloke Well I never. [Blackout] [Project: Pigs Rampant] A Rare Breed [Project: FMV Rare Breed] Voice 1 So, what have you got for me? Voice 2 What you ordered. Voice 1 It’s taken quite some time. Voice 2 I hope you’re not complaining? A lot of people are looking for one of these. They’re a very rare breed. Voice 1 [ know that…. Voice 2 I could easily take it elsewhere. Let someone else have it if you’re not happy. Voice 1 No, no, don’t do that. I wasn’t complaining. I know, you’ve done really well. Where did you find it. Voice 2 Poland. Have you got my money? Voice 1 Yeah. Yeah, here. Voice 2 Thanks. Would you like to see it? Voice 1 [Fearful] Is it safe? Voice 2 Oh yeah. Just lift the lid slowly so you don’t startle it. And keep your hands well clear of its mouth. It’s got a very strong bite. Mind you, what else would you expect. [The box opens to reveal a person in whites, surgical mask and with dental paraphernalia] It is an NHS dentist. [Blackout][Project: Pigs Rampant] Aberdeen’s 2016 Olympic Bid Part 2 [Sfx: Chariots of Fire] [Project: Olympic rings and caption “Aberdeen, 2016”.] Kelly Welcome back to Aberdeen’s bid for the 2016 Olympics. Robbie Losh aye. You’ve a’ready heard about the bid’s strength in depth. Kelly However it is only fair to say that your report did highlight some weaknesses too. You remarked upon the lack of cycling facilities. Robbie Which wiz hellish rude of ye. I mean god a’michty, we took yez to the Silver Darlings and athing. Kelly And while it is true we don’t have a velodrome as such, the North Deeside Line is very popular cycling route…. Robbie ….. A’ the mair noo that we’ve locket up the glue-sniffers that used to hing aboot Ruthrieston brig. Kelly Swimming was another area of concern. Robbie E dookin, fairly aye. Noo ye wiz mebbes right enough in sayin ‘e Beach Leisure Centre’s nae an ideal venue for the dooking, fit wi the pool bein’ shaped like a giant sea-shell. Kelly However, Aberdeen already has another world class facility in the Bon Accord Baths. The only difficulty with that venue is… Robbie It’s freezin’ caul! Oh me, little Robbie and his twa chums run inside for shelter fan I ging dooking in there. Kelly The difficulty is, it’s not quite the right length…. Robbie Nae bliddy wonder! Kelly The pool is not the right length, as it was built in imperial measure. However after extensive consultation, costings and feasibility studies, we have a strategy to resolve the issue. By getting competitors to swim extra lengths. Robbie And the good thing is, this means mair tumble turns. And ‘at means, mair times fan bonny lassies dowps ging teetin’ oot o’ the watter. Teet! [Project: Slide of a bottom protruding from the water.] Ho, ho, faith aye, heederum-hoderum aye! [Project: Olympic rings and caption “Aberdeen, 2016”.] Kelly The committee also noted concerns about the high diving facilities available in Aberdeen. Robbie The principal concern wiz, we hinna got ony. But the lassie that owns the penthouse flat owerlooking Rubislaw quarry’s allowin’ install a springboard on her balcony. Mair nor this, she’s also willin to gie competitiors the use o’ her en-suite bathroom. Kelly So long as they provide their own towels and soap. Robbie And nae number twos, cos the Xpelair’s nae working. Oh aye, jist so lang as the divers dinna get tungled up in a’ the auld quarrying equipment that’s roostin’ away at the bottom, fit a great facility that’ll be. Noo, the ither thing ye bumped yer gums aboot wiz the under-provision o’ suitable accommodation for athletes. Kelly But this is where one of the most innovative parts of the plan kicks in. Aberdeen is the only bidding city which will not require to construct an Olympic village Robbie ‘Cos Aiberdeen is a village! Kelly Throughout there are thousands of empty nesters, middle-aged couples whose children the city have grown up and moved away, perhaps gone University Robbie Or forbyes they’ve gotten into drugs and ended up in the jile. Cos oh, michty, fit a drugs there is in Aiberdeen. Kelly This means that there is vast capacity of spare rooms that the athletes could lodge in over the games. Here’s a typical Aberdonian couple who will tell you how the proposal would work. [Project: FMV Mither and Faither’s Bid endorsement] Mither Since my loon Ronnie emigrated to Australia I’ve hid a bedroom goin’ spare. And me and my husband wid be delighted to let it oot to ony loonie or quinie that winted to stayed there. We’d gie them a very warm welcome widn’t we faither? Faither [At his most deadpan] Very warm, aha. Mither Although saying that it might be better if it wiz a loonie we got rather than a quine. Cos the scheme’s nae fit it wiz, is it faither? Faither Full o’ winos and fruit-loops. Mither I ken. I mean the hale toon’s ga’an to the dogs if y’ask me. I couldna forgive myself if onything happened to a quinie files she wiz staying here. So I’d rather hae a loonie. Faither He could hiv my key. Mither He could tak faither’s key and hiv the run of the place, they could come and go as they pleased and we’d be delighted to tak him. So long as he wiz happy wi’ plain fare for his tea. Cos I’m nae a believer in jarries and pastes and potions. But ony loon that wid jist tak mince and tatties, we’d be awfa pleased to hiv. Wiz that OK? Wid ye like a cuppie? Pancake? [Project: Olympic rings and caption “Aberdeen, 2016”.] Robbie Fit a handsome couple! Noo if that’s nae selt ye, I da ken fit will. But there’s one mair thing that Aiberdeen’s got that gies us an edge over a’ the rest. Kelly So to close the bid, please welcome Aiberdeen’s answer to Freddie Mercury and Monserrat Caballe, Robbie Shepherd and June Imray! [Sfx: “Barcelona”] Craig & We’ve something up wir sleeve. Elaine A trump they’ll never beat. A place ye’ll nae believe The rest can not compete We’ll show the Committee That doon beside the sea Facilities in Grampian are fairly fit for Champions A treat’s In store For each Competitor Who comes tae wir city, at the beach [Kelly, Licensing Board and Willie Miller all enter] Disney hisnae nithin’ you’ll nae see At Codonas![Project: Codonas sign.] The Waltzers ging an affa tilt At Codonas! [Project: Robbie in Marylin pose.] Keep a hud o’ yer kilt Give me your hand, [Project: The Grampian Eye] I’ll take you up the Grampian Eye! At Codonas! Win a goldfish or a gonk At Codonas! [Project: Dodgems] Or hae a shottie on the dodgems I’m nae a boaster, but listen, here’s the scoop; [Project: Roller Coaster with Olympic rings overlaid] The roller coaster Dis a loop the loop Michty! [Pyros] At Codonas! [Tabs] [Project: Flying Pigs Rampant] [Two company bows] [Curtain] Directory: wp-content -> uploads -> 2010 2010 -> Hr 116 Application for Employment with Hills and Dales 2010 -> Polimaster ltd V. Rae systems inc polimaster ltd.; Na&se trading co., Limited, Plaintiffs-Appellants 2010 -> The game a morality play in one act by Louise Bryant 2010 -> Seamheads at sabr 40 2010 -> Curriculum vitae 2010 -> Mid atlantic coaching clinic 2010 -> The Case for Integrating Crisis Response with Social Media Chapter One: Introduction 2010 -> Press pack shamrock Bowl XXIV american football – Tallaght Stadium 2010 -> Andy Northedge1 2010 -> Partnership Brokers Training Download 347.99 Kb. Share with your friends:
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