Flying Pig Productions Present The Seagull Has Landed 11th
Sandy Aiberdeen in brackets…
Download 347.99 Kb.
|
- Navigate this page:
- Bobby Constable; Schools Liaison
- Teacher: No, I meant…
- Bobby: At’s richt. An fit happens fa ye dial 999
- Say hello to Rachel, boys and girls.
- Archie and Davie on Property Speculation
Sandy Aiberdeen in brackets…Alexander Ach, pit a bloody sock in it Sandy, is number 27-5! [Insistently urging an agent to stand up and address him] Mr Taylor, Mr Taylor, this is een of yours. Ho ho, did we catch ye napping boy? Did you hiv ower much for yer denner Mr Taylor? I hid a bacon roll, fit fine it wiz. Noo, fit hiv you got for’s? Mr Taylor Mr Chairman my clients are the owners of a recently constructed abbatoir who wish a continuation of their licence to slaughter under the Welfare of Animals Regulations. Now, there are objections from residents who live within the locality and who have expressed concerns about the level of noise being made by the livestock – pigs, mainly – waiting to be slaughtered; and about the smell made both by the animals defecating in the main yard and indeed the strong smell of blood which arises as a result of the rendering process. My clients are certainly sensitive to these concerns and feel that it would be beneficial to all parties if the Committee were to pay a site visit to the premises in order to assess the situation for themselves. Alexander A site vist? Mr Taylor Yes. Alexander To a slaughterhouse? Mr Taylor Yes. Alexander Away ye go. [Blackout] [Project: School black/white board – “People Who Help Us”] [Mid-Stage Blacks Out] Bobby Constable; Schools LiaisonTeacher: Thank you so much for coming to our assembly.Bobby C: Mrs Paterson, it’s my pleasure.Teacher: The children have been looking forward to meeting a real policeman ever since we started our project, “people who help us”. Bobby C: It’s gien’ talks like ‘is at keeps me gaan,’ iver since I wiz forced ahin’ a desk Teacher: Were you injured in the line of duty? Bobby: Oh, aye. Semi-final o’ the Emergency Services bowlin’ competition. We stuck it tae the Coastguards, ye ken, but my game wint intae 13 extra ends. I raxed my back like ye widnae believe. Teacher: I’m so sorry. Bobby Och, dinna be. I’d three years aff sick on full pay! I dug oot my gairden, I laid a patio. Oh, it wiz magic. But ye get tired o’ cruises in the end, so I came back. Aye, for light duties only. Teacher Oh well. Right boys and girls, listening ears! Good luck. And remember, they are Primary 2’s, so they can get a little bit restless. Bobby: Dinna you worry aboot at. If ony o’ the wee darlin’s get lippy [slight pause] I’ll gie them a thrashing they’ll niver forget! Teacher: No, I meant…Bobby: Good mornin’ loons an’ quines! Kids [V/O]: Good morning Mr Constable! Bobby: At’s Constable Constable tae you! I didnae spend 27 year crackin’ heids at Pittodrie tae be cried Mr! Onywye, I’ve come tae Milltimber Primary School today tae spik aboot crim’nals. [With extreme menace] FIT YOU’SE HID BETTER NAE BE! Mrs Paterson, ye might wint tae clean that up. Noo, a crim’nal is someb’dy at commits a crime, like pinchin’ the seat aff someone’s bike, running a brothel, or setting fire to the curtains of an expensive hotel. Noo, diz onyb’dy ken fit tae dae fan ye see a crime?Kids [V/O]: Dial 999! Bobby: At’s richt. An fit happens fa ye dial 999?Kids [V/O]: A policeman comes! Bobby: Eventually, aye. But first we hiv a ring-roon’ to see if onybdy’s near the scene. So, if ye’ve witnessed a mugging on Auchmill Road, we’ll see fa’s in Chalmers’ Baker. Or if it’s a car jackin’ at the Queen’s Links, fa’s haein’ a Whopper at Burger King. Noo if the criminal’s still at the scene fan we rock up, we drive roond the block a couple o times. If he still disna tak the hint, we hiv to apprehend him. Noo this can be a tricky concept to explain to Grampian Police recruits, but for a class o 6 year aulds – it should be nae bother of a’. For ‘is bit of the talk I’ve twa folks here to help me the day. Firstly, winner o’ the ladies shotput at the Police Games and owner o’ the strongest baton erm in Aiberdeen, WPC Rachel Prejudice. [Rachel enters] And joining her, Aiberdeen’s maist prolific sneak thief, David “The Futret” McKechnie. [David walks on, with red dots on his knees, forehead and chuckies and green dots on his ribs, shoulders and upper legs.] Say hello to Rachel, boys and girls.Kids [V/O]: Good morning PC Prejudice. Bobby And to the Futret, fa his nae doot stolen valuables fae at least twa o’ yer grunnies. Kids [V/O]: Nesty man! Boo! Shite-hawk! Bobby Very good. Noo, foo to subdue a felon using appropriate force. Or, as the boys in the canteen cry it- Fit Bits tae Hit. David here will be takin a large number o heavy blows, wi’oot retaliatin’ or screamin’ oot. Cos at wid breach the conditions o’ the community service order, fit he is here to satisfy. Noo, imagine David here his just commited a crime. Fan we catch him, we are entitled tae use reasonable levels of police brutality. Noo, batterin a ned intae submission is nae an exact science, but the weel trained officer can identify specific areas fit achieve maximum results wi the mimimum o’ effort, and dinna leave a mark. [PC Rachel gets her truncheon out] Noo, the green areas are fit I cry “The Preventers”. If he’s punchin ye, smack his shoulders. [She does so] If he’s kickin ye, smack his legs. [She does so]. If he’s breathin, smack his ribs. [She does so, repeatedly] Noo that’s a weel and good, but if ye’re dealin’ wi’ a particularly hardened felon, like David here, ye’ll hiv to ging fer the reed areas; fit I cry “The Drappers”. Observe. [Rachel winds up and whacks him in the chuckies; he collapses instantly] ‘Is will now render the felon compliant tae yer requests and often willing to confess to heaps of unsolved crimes that might be clutterin’ up yer desk. So, there ye have it, boys and girls. My 27 years o’ experience distilled intae 3 minutes. Noo, I realise ‘at might be difficult fer ye a’ tae take in. Especially cos yer teacher she wiz sayin yer nae so bricht as the ither Primary 2s. So tae help ye mine, we will re-cover a’ topics wi the assistance o Mr Mathieson, the music Mannie!
‘Specially on Windmill Brae! Wi bleezin’ folk we’ll enjoy a joke, it can often be a hoot. But some wee bam ayewis starts a rammy; Voila, it’s batons oot. ‘Specially on Windmill Brae! ‘Specially on Windmill Brae! If once ye’ve cuffed him he’s taen the huff simply ‘cause he’s black and blue. Fit d’ye claim tae avoid the blame fan the finger points at you? Nae me, it wisnae me. Nae me, it wisnae me It wisnae me, it wisnae me, it wisnae me, it wisnae me, It wisnae me, It wisnae me, It wisnae me [Repeat to fade as Bobby, Rachel and Futret dance off] [Blackout] Tony and George Declare their Love [Project: Blair] [Sfx: “You’re my little Chu-chie face”] You're my little chu-chi face My coo-chi, coo-chi, woo-chi little chu-chi face Every time I look at you I sigh [Project: Bush] And you're my little teddy bear My lovey lovey dovey little teddy bear You're the apfel strudel of mine eye [Project: Blair] You're my little chu-chi face [Project: Bush] And you're my teddy bear [Project: Scenes of War torn Iraq], Together we're a chu-chi woo-chi, ooo-chi coo-chi Chu-chi, Woo-chi, Ooo-chi, Coo-chi pair [Project: Both men, beaming at each other like idiots] [Blackout] [Project: Pigs Rampant] The Bloke Who Loses It; Anniversary [Project: Posh restaurant specials board] Bloke: Well, this is all very pleasant isn’t it? Wife: [A lovely woman but rather put-upon] Yes, yes dear. Bloke: I do like a nice restaurant where you sit down in a separate lounge away from the table, no-one hurrying or pressing you and you can look at the menu at your leisure. There’s just a lovely bit of old school charm about that, isn’t there? Wife: Yes, dear, there is. Bloke Because if there is one thing I cannot abide it is being pressurised by some sulky waiter into choosing something quickly. This really is such a rare pleasure, getting out for a meal like this. Wife Too rare! Bloke Too rare, Anna, you’re quite right. Here’s to the last 20 years. And the next 20! [They raise glasses. A waiter approaches.] Waiter: Good evening. Have you had long enough to consider the menu? Bloke: Yes, yes we have, thank you. Wife: Yes, can I have the Lobster Bisque to start with please, and the beef Wellington. Waiter Certainly. Sir? Bloke: [Catching waiter’s eye] The fois gras, please, and the trout Almondine. And a bottle of the Gerwutztraminer from Alsace. Waiter Excellent choice, sir. I’ll take you to your table in a moment. Oh, and by the way there’s no trout. It’s salmon. Bloke: [Calling after the departing waiter] Excuse me! Waiter Yes, sir? Bloke What did you say there? Waiter: The trout is off. It’s salmon. The trout almondine is being made with salmon. Bloke: Well then it’s not a trout almondine then, is it? It’s a salmon almondine. Waiter: It’s very fine wild salmon. Bloke: Well then I’m sure it will be very good in one of the salmon dishes which appear elsewhere on the menu and which I did not choose because I don’t like salmon. Waiter Salmon basically is trout isn’t it? Bloke What? No. No. I happen to know a little about this and although the salmon and the trout are both members of the family salmonidae, the difference in life-cycle and, crucially, taste is marked. The salmon… Waiter: Yeah. [He proffers the menu]. You can always choose something else. Bloke: Well, I daresay I can but if you’d told me there was no trout I wouldn’t have needed to choose it in a hurry, with you standing over me. Waiter: I can very easily go away. Bloke: Yes, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? But you can’t. You can’t you see because we don’t have time. We’re going to the theatre. I’ve only got perhaps a minute to make this choice. And I wanted the trout. Wife Darling…….. Bloke And of course I asked for the Gerwurtraminer because it goes so very well with trout. But not with many other things. So I’ll have to choose the wine again too, quickly, and I particularly dislike making snap decisions. In fact I hate making snap decisions. I was mentioning to my wife just before you appeared, wasn’t I darling, Wife Yes. Bloke I was saying how nice it was to be given time away from the table to make a choice, and now that time has been taken away from me and I really don’t like the look of any of this shit. Come on, we’re leaving. You’ve ruined our evening! Waiter: I hardly think…. Bloke: No, you don’t, do you? That’s the problem with your sort. You just really don’t. Get out of my way! Waiter: You’re going to have to pay for the drinks sir. Bloke: Well if I do, you will have to pay for rekindling the rage which has lain dormant in me for years and ruining my 20th Wedding Anniversary! And my marriage! And my life! Now who’s bill, do you think, will turn out to be the more expensive? [Sfx: Tazer] Wife: [Subduing Bloke with Tazer then speaking with quiet dignity] Thank you so much. We’ve had a lovely evening. Waiter [Pleasantly] Enjoy the theatre. [Blackout] [Mid-stage Tabs In] Archie and Davie on Property SpeculationDavie Aye, Archie. Archie Aye, Davie. Davie Like ‘e day? Archie Och, nae too bad, chavin’ awa, chavin. Davie Jist chavin’. Aha. Archie Fit’s the paper sayin’ aboot the Dons, Davie? Davie I dinna ken, Archie. I hinna got to that bittie yet. Archie But it’ll be on the back page, Davie. Davie I ken that. Archie Oh, Davie. Ye hinna sterted readin’ the paper fae the front page in hiv ye? Davie No, no. Niver worry, Archie, I hinna sterted daein’ that. I started wi’ the finance section. Archie The finance section? And that’s nae yer usual tuna sandwiches ye’ve got there, Davie. Davie No, this is a roast duck, cucumber and hoisin wrap fae Starbucks, fit I am hivin’ alang wi’ port and blue stilton flavoured batch-fried crisps. Is is a Caffe Latte wi an extra shot o’ espresso. And in this bag here – ye see this little baggie? Archie I see fine yer baggie. Davie In yon baggie there is a raspberry and fite choc’late muffin, for my puddin’. Archie Davie, fit’s happened to ye? Ye hinna gone queer, hiv ye? Davie No, I’ve nae gone queer, Archie. I’ve jist gone up in the world. [Passing a cigar to Archie] Fine Cuban Cigar, Archie? Archie No thanks, I winna, Davie. Fit d’ye mean ye’ve gone up in the world? Davie Well, I’ve come into a bit money, Archie. Archie Oh, and how’s that like? A lottery win? Davie Nih. Archie The G-G’s? Davie Nih. Archie [Looking around himself fearfully] Oh, Davie, nae anither securicor van!? Davie No! Property speculation, Archie. Archie Oh, property speculation, Davie? Davie Property speculation. Ye ken the wifie that lives three doors up fae me? Archie Aye. Davie No ye dinna. Cos she disna bide there onymair. She selt it. And d’ye ken fit she got for it? Archie Money, I’d imagine. Davie Exactly. Seventy thousand pound. Archie Seventy thousand pound!? Davie 70 thousand smackers, Archie. And of course, she bought the place for pennies just efter the right to buy came in! Archie Fan Thatcher brought in the right to buy! Oh, Davie, d’ye mind at? Davie Oh, aye! The protests! A’ the Union bosses, yarking on aboot creeping privatisation, and Tory plots to undermine the workers? And we wiz Union boys, Archie. Archie Militant, we wiz. Davie Militant in the National Union o’ Dumper Drivers and Itinerant Engineers, Archie The Nuddie. Davie The Nuddie. D’ye ken ‘is Archie? Some o’ the happiest times o’ my life wis spent fan you an me wis together in the Nuddie. Archie D’ye mind the protest march on Union Street, Davie? Wi the flags and the placards. Maggie Maggie Maggie! Davie Out, out, out! Both [With great emphasis] “Social Housing Not for Sale”. Davie [Pause] I bought mine een in the end, like. Archie Me and a’. Davie I got mine for siven thousand. Archie Peanuts! Davie And fit did I get for it? Bearing in mind that the wife doon the street got £70,000 for hers and the market’s been steadily rising since? Archie 80,000? Davie 60,000. Swines! Archie Swines that they are! Davie I blame myself,’ though, Archie. I did mak some hame improvements that widna be to everyone’s taste. If I hid my time again I widna build yon muckle sunker o a barbequeue. Archie Nae usin’ the bricks fae yer kitchen wa,’ onywye. Davie But, Archie. It wiz a Mediterranean open-air living concept. Archie It’s open, certainly. It’s an open invitation to your neighbour’s cats to come and shite in yer scullery. Davie Weel, it’s certainly nae a room to ging into bar-fit. And I canna help but think it’s the absence o’ a back wa’ that’s caused the ongoing damp in my back passage. Archie Here, wiz ‘at a supporting wa’ you ripped doon to build at barbeque? [Sfx: Rumble and crash of masonry] Davie [Raising a finger sagely.] Yes. But I’ve got my £60,000, jist the same. Archie Sixty thousand pounds, Davie! Davie Aye, Archie. Foo diz it feel to be speaking to a thousandaire? It’s the finer things in life for me noo. Far once there wiz White and Mackay, noo it will be The MacAllan. Where once we hid a buttery for wir breakfast, noo it’ll be twa butteries for breakfast. Far once there wiz the P&J, noo there will be Kleenex Quilted Velvet. Archie That a’ sounds fantastic, Davie. Jist one thing. Far are ye planning on biding? Davie Eh? Archie Noo that ye’ve selt yer hoose. Far were ye planning to live? [Pause. Davie gives Archie his best “Puppy-Dog Eyes”] [Blackout] [Project: Pigs Rampant] The Torry Society Wedding of the Year [Sfx: Trumpet fanfare] [Project: St Nicholas House] Announcer Welcome to the luxuriant surrounds of Aberdeen’s St Nicholas House, a truly remarkable piece of civic architecture. Built during the reign of Lord Provost Collie and renowned throughout the land for its delightful [Project: St Nicholas House registry office] Stark modernity. A beautifully functional registry office juts out from the main building, its vestibule a triumph of brushed stainless steel and black plastic, its mushroom coloured walls pleasingly adorned with handprints, scuffing and pin-boards providing useful advice on where to go if suffering from the clap. And it is in this magnificent building, the glittering jewel in Aberdeen’s architectural crown, that the cream of society is gathering to witness the joining of Cyndi Webster and Wesley McAteer at [Project: “The Torry Society Wedding of the Year”] The Torry society wedding of the year. As on any wedding day, today is not just an occasion to celebrate the happiness of Cyndi and Wesley, but also the union of two families; the established dynasty of the Websters, long renowned for their interests in shoplifting and burglary, and the McAteers, arrivistes, one might say, but already developing an impressive track-record in witness intimidation and the distribution of crack cocaine. One may be sure that both families will have a great deal to discuss, both at the ceremony and thereafter, at the Reception at The Kirkgate Bar, [Project: Kirkgate Bar ] Where the wedding breakfast will consist of packet soup, turkey twizzlers and Spar Soft Scoop with Ice Magic. As the dancing to the Shamona disco commences, one anticipates much laughter and frivolity, as well as some light-hearted stabbings. And here comes the wedding party now. [Project: Wesley And Barry] Wesley and his best man Barry, looking carefree and full of high spirits. [Project: Wes & Baz with cans of Special Brew ] And there is the man who has done more than anyone to ensure the success of this day: [Project: Donald Findlay, QC] Donald Findlay, QC, who recently got the groom off an attempted murder charge on a verdict of not proven. And here comes the Mother of the bride, Big Mags Webster [Project: Mags getting out of car ] wearing a fetching outfit which comes directly from the Autumn collection [pause] of a wifie in Bieldside who forgot to lock her back door when she nipped out for a paper. Seeing Mags arrive alone reminds us that while this is a day of great joy, it is also tinged with sadness. [Project: Mags swigging Barry’s Special Brew] The father of the Bride cannot be here [pause] as the mother of the Bride doesn’t know who he is. Touchingly, however, the wedding cake has been iced with the names of all the regiments and fishing vessels with whom Mags had an association at the material time. [Project: Beautiful Bride] And there is the beautiful bride [pause] from the previous ceremony. [Project: Cyndi headshot ] And here comes Cyndi, [Project: Cyndi full body] resplendent in an elasticated ivory voile from Nightingales complete with matching tie-back accessories. Seeing Cyndi, one is reminded of Princess Diana [pause] commenting that there were three people in her marriage to Prince Charles. [Project: Cyndi full body profile] It seems plain that there are already three people in this marriage, too. [Blackout] [Project: Pigs Rampant] Directory: wp-content -> uploads -> 2010 2010 -> Hr 116 Application for Employment with Hills and Dales 2010 -> Polimaster ltd V. Rae systems inc polimaster ltd.; Na&se trading co., Limited, Plaintiffs-Appellants 2010 -> The game a morality play in one act by Louise Bryant 2010 -> Seamheads at sabr 40 2010 -> Curriculum vitae 2010 -> Mid atlantic coaching clinic 2010 -> The Case for Integrating Crisis Response with Social Media Chapter One: Introduction 2010 -> Press pack shamrock Bowl XXIV american football – Tallaght Stadium 2010 -> Andy Northedge1 2010 -> Partnership Brokers Training Download 347.99 Kb. Share with your friends:
|