Flying Pig Productions Present The Seagull Has Landed 11th
The Bloke Who Loses It; Highland Retreat
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The Bloke Who Loses It; Highland RetreatThe Bloke It is a beautiful situation, isn’t it? Just the perfect view of the loch. A few yards either way would spoil it completely. Just the prime site. And the smell of the Scots pine! Wife Wonderful. The Bloke It’s beautiful. Just like you darling. Do you remember that day, all those years ago, when I surprised you with the ring on the shores of Loch Long? Wife I’ll never forget it. The Bloke Neither will I. [He pings the press for service bell on the counter] It’s good to get back to the Highlands isn’t it? The peace and quiet of it all. Handyman [A Handyman in overalls walks by and cheerfully says] Afternoon! The Bloke Good afternoon! You see, the warmth of the welcome. Was that a painter? Wife I didn’t think so darling. The Bloke Well what was he then? Wife A gardener, I think. The Bloke They do have well kept grounds, don’t they? It could have been a gardener. [Hotelier enters.] Can I? Hotelier Just a minute, sir. The Bloke Sorry. Hotelier [Pause] Yup? The Bloke Can I, check in? Hotelier Course you can. [Flicks through papers] Banner, is it? The Bloke Mr and Mrs Banner, yes. Hotelier Check your details and sign here, here and here. Room 32, down the corridor at the side there. The Bloke Thanks, em……. [He sniffs repeatedly] Do I smell – paint? Hotelier I wouldn’t of thought so, no. The smell of the trees, maybe? The Bloke It doesn’t smell like trees. Hotelier They’re rare. Scots pine. The Bloke Right. [Handyman re-enters with a gloss paint tin and a brush.] Well? Hotelier Oh, did you say paint? Yeah, we’re updating some of the rooms. But it won’t bother you. The Bloke Excuse me, where are you going? Handyman Room 31. The Bloke We appear to have the key for room 32. Hotelier Yeah, but it’s not next door to the one we’re redoing. The Bloke No? Handyman [As he exits] Naw! It’s across the corridor. The Bloke [Exhibiting a magazine] I made my booking on the strength of this advertisement. Are you familiar with it? Hotelier Well, It’s our advert. The Bloke Shall I read you what it says? “Encircled by ancient woods, home to many of Scotland’s native wildfowl, and nestling on the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond, the smell of heather and Scots pine hang sweet in the air of the Hotel Scotia Caledonia.” No mention of paint there. Hotelier Well yeah, but, we have to maintain the hotel, sir. The Bloke I was always understood that that sort of thing occurred in the close season. Hotelier We open all year round sir. The Bloke I daresay you do. But only through the simple expedient of ripping off the paying public. The smell of paint make me feel light-headed and sick. I wouldn’t stay in my home if it was being painted, I’m certainly not paying to stay here. Can we have another room, please? Hotelier We’re fully booked. The Bloke Could you see if anyone else would be prepared to move? Hotelier Oh come on, I mean, who’s going to want to shift rooms to that? Wife Darling, never mind the smell. It’ll still it’ll still be nice to get away. Get a bit of peace and quiet and hear the birds…. [Sfx: Very loud drilling.] The Bloke I’m sorry, darling, could you repeat that? Wife I was just saying that at least it’ll be nice to have a bit of peace and… [Sfx: Very loud drilling.] The Bloke No, I’m sorry, again, sorry sweetheart, I couldn’t quite hear you there. Because of the percussive drilling sound that almost burst my eardrums! Hotelier Woodpeckers are loud today aren’t they? The Bloke Woodpeckers!? Did you say woodpeckers? Did you hear him? Wife Darling….. The Bloke The bloody impudence of the man! The bare-faced, brazen cheek! Oh, you’re a topper, aren’t you? An absolute bloody beauty. What a fantastic ambassador for us to present to visitors to Scotland, eh? I don’t know how you have the nerve. You avaricious worm! You ignorant, grasping carpet-bagger! You’re a disgrace to the Highlands! [He brandishes the magazine] I ought to take this and shove it right up your craven little…[Wife steps in and tazers him] [Sfx: Tazer] [Bloke goes down, wife steps over him to the desk and signs in with great dignity.] Wife Thank you. Hotelier Thanks. [Pause] Help with your luggage? Wife Please. [Blackout] [Mid-Stage Blacks In] Archie and Davie on Five a Day Davie Aye Archie. Archie Aye Davie. Davie Like e’ day? Archie Nae too bad, chavin’ awa’. In fine fettle, In fact. Davie In fine fettle, ye say? Archie In fine fettle, Davie. I am on a health kick. I’ve jined a gym. Davie Ye’ve jined a gym? My god. [Pause] And are ye plannin’ tae start ga’an tae it? Archie Aye, nae straight away like. Davie Well ye canna rush these things Archie. Archie You cannot. Davie Weel, ye’ve tae be careful. Did ye hear aboot Alfie Mutch? Archie No, fit’s the news wi Alfie? Davie Weel he went on a health kick. Got into a’ these lifestyle programmes. Ye ken, like You are Fit You Eat? He watched at “10 Years Younger”, and seen this wifie getting a chemical peel. So he let himself into the works and took a dook in the door strippin’ acid bath. Weel, the results wiz dramatic. Archie Deid? Davie Stone deid, Archie. A' that come oot wiz a belt buckle, an artificial hip and a couple o’ soor plooms. His hip did come up very bonny, though, Archie. Archie Weel that’ll add to its’ resale value, Davie Davie And d’ye mind last year? Fan I wis on at special diet an I ate nithing but butteries morning, noon and night for a month Archie The Aitkens diet. I mind on that. How much wiz it, 3 stone? Davie 4. Archie 4 stone ye pit on. Davie A moment on the lips, Archie, a lifetime on the hips. Archie Oh, but a buttery wiz daein’ weel if it even got a moment on your lips. It’s right doon thrapple lane into puddin’ market wi’ you. Davie Oh I like my food. Archie You like abody’s food! So, hiv ye learned yer lesson Davie? Hiv ye hid yer five a day the day? Davie Fit’s that, Archie? Archie I wiz jist askin if ye’d hid yer 5-a-day. To keep ye healthy. Davie I hiv, Archie. Oh, I’m fleein on the day. I hid my 5 afore 11 o’clock. I’ve hid 5 since. And I’ll tell ye, I think I’ll hae at least anither 5 or 10 afore the day’s oot. Archie God, that’s great goin that Davie. Davie Fairly. Archie And fit is it that ye’ve hid? Apples? Bananas? Davie Regal King Size. Archie No, no it’s nae that kind of five a day ‘at keeps you healthy, Davie. Davie It’s nae that kind? Archie No. I’m spikken aboot fruit. And vegetables. Davie Oh that kind of five a day? Archie That kind of five a day. Davie Oh weel, I’m daein’ fine wi that an a’ though Archie. I’ve hid 5 apple….. Archie Five apples! Davie Flavoured chewits. And I must say I’m feelin’ verra healthy on it. Although my tongue and spittle his gin bright green. Archie Aye, bit Chewitts dinna coont, Davie. Davie Nae Chewitts, Archie? Archie Nae Chewitts, Davie. Chewitts - ruled oot o’ the game! Davie God amighty. Aye, but that’s nae bother, though, Archie, that’s nae problem. I hiv a very diversified diet. I also hid a bag o’ skittles at flytime. Archie Aye, but skittles dinna coont either, Davie. Davie Nae skittles!? Archie Nae skittles, no. Davie Jeely tots? Archie No. Davie Midget Gems? Archie No. Davie Fruitellas? Archie [Emphatically] Yes! Davie Yes to fruitellas? Archie Yes to fruitellas, fruit pastilles and to trebor fruit salads.. Davie God it’s a minefield. Archie Oh it’s confusin’, Davie but there is a wye to mind on it. Fit ye dae is, ye look at the packet and see if it’s got fruit in the title. If there’s fruit in the title it coonts, if there’s nae fruit in the title, it dizna. Opal fruits…. Davie Aha? Archie Opal fruits used to coont, but they hid the fruit taen oot o’ then. At’s fit wye they’re cried starbursts noo. Davie And there’s nae much nutritional value in a burst star. Archie Naen nor some. Davie Fine tasted, though. Archie Fine tasted, certainly. I’m nae sayin’ they’re nae fine tasted. But of course, as a general rule o’ thumb, the finer it tastes, the worse it is for ye. Davie So if it tastes like dirt… Archie …. It’s very healthy. Davie I hid nae idea that there wis sae much goodness in a Findus Crispy Pancake. Both Hiy. [Blackout] The Cruel Sea - Air Stewards Steve [V/o] Billy and Dougie have worked as trawlermen in the North Sea for all their adult lives. But with over-fishing and ever-decreasing quotas, Billy and Dougie have been laid off and are now struggling to find their feet in an employment market which they believe is now geared more towards women than men…… [Lights up to reveal Air Stewards.] Billy Thank you for choosin to fly wi Monopoly Airlines on the day's flight fae Heathrow to Aiberdeen. My name is Billy Mundie, and joining me in the cabin the day is Dougie Albinson. We used to work on the boats thegither oot o Peterheid. He saved my life once. Six years ago to the day, oor trawler wiz hit by a hunner-fit wave, and I wiz thrown overboard. I wiz just aboot to ging unner for the last time fan Billy managed to get a haud o me wi the boat-hook and howk me back on board. Today he'll be helping me push a shoogly-wheeled trolley up the aisle, dispensin' gin and tonics to a bunch o' blowhard provincial businessmen, that’s on their wye back fae a jolly doon in London. Some life eh Dougie? Some life. [Dougie nods his assent] The followin' safety announcement is for yer ain benefit, so pay attention, a'right? Ye've got seatblets. Pit them on. I'm nae ga'an to show you foo to pit them on, cos onyone bright enough to check in, get through security and mak it through the maze to the departure lounge can surely dae up a buckle.
twa at the hinner end and een ower each wing. Tak a moment to locate the emergency exit nearest to you, bearing in mind that in the event of an emergency, it may be behind you, and there may be twa hunner folk scramblin’ ower ye to get there. In the event of an imminent crash landing, you will be given the appropriate warning. This will either be the instruction to brace or a cry of "Jesus Christ", dependin' on how good a view I hiv. On hearin’ that prompt, you should assume the crash position, which is as follows. Head atween legs - yer ain head atween yer ain legs is conventional, but naebody'll be taking notes - hands above yer heid and the moo’ firmly shut. This is vital, as it will prevent your arsehole exiting from atween yer lips and will also help preserve a full set o teeth, in the event that we a’ hiv to be identified by dental records. [Pause] I wish I wiz back on the boats, Dougie. I wish I wiz back on the boats. Directory: wp-content -> uploads -> 2010 2010 -> Hr 116 Application for Employment with Hills and Dales 2010 -> Polimaster ltd V. Rae systems inc polimaster ltd.; Na&se trading co., Limited, Plaintiffs-Appellants 2010 -> The game a morality play in one act by Louise Bryant 2010 -> Seamheads at sabr 40 2010 -> Curriculum vitae 2010 -> Mid atlantic coaching clinic 2010 -> The Case for Integrating Crisis Response with Social Media Chapter One: Introduction 2010 -> Press pack shamrock Bowl XXIV american football – Tallaght Stadium 2010 -> Andy Northedge1 2010 -> Partnership Brokers Training Download 347.99 Kb. Share with your friends:
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