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- ANIMAL WORLD CAT ON THE ROOF
- THE MOUSE AND THE GIRAFFE
A CONVINCING ARGUMENT On a flight out of one of the Eastern European countries, a farmer got on the airplane. He put his bundle of belongings on one seat, his cane and hat on the other and deposited his ample behind on a third seat. The stewardess asked him to move his baggage to the overhead bin or under his seat and tried to assist him with the task, but the man just glared at her fiercely and she desisted. One of the passengers noticed her problem and offered assistance. “I know these people,” - he said. He went over to the man, whispered in his ear and after a short while, the farmer got up and moved his things off the two seats. The stewardess was very thankful to the helpful passenger, but wanted to know: “What did you tell him that made him move his gear so readily?” “I explained to him that these seats are flying to a different destination.”
“Do you need any help with your zipper dear?” From inside a startled voice was heard: “Good Grief! Singapore Airlines really does provide outstanding service.” CUSTOMER RELATIONS The passengers on the transatlantic flight had just finished their meal and were comfortably relaxed, when the loudspeakers suddenly came on: “This is the captain speaking. I would like to advise you that we have just lost our starboard engine. However, please remain calm. We have everything under control. This aircraft can operate with three engines just as well.” About fifteen minutes later a movie was shown in the cabin and the passengers almost forgot the previous announcement, when the captain’s voice was heard again: “I am sorry, but we seem to have lost another engine. You have no cause to worry. The aircraft is capable of flying with two engines. However, purely as a precautionary measure, those passengers who can swim, should concentrate on the left side of the cabin and those who cannot, should move to the right side.” Another fifteen minutes passed and the now familiar voice was heard again on the public address system: “This is the captain once again. We have just lost our third engine and are initiating ditching procedures. All passengers are requested to don their life vests. As soon as the aircraft comes to a complete stop, the crew will open the exit doors. Please remove your shoes and follow the instructions of your crew in using the emergency escape slides. Those on the left side of the plane can commence swimming towards the shore. Those on the right side will remain floating and it is hoped, will eventually be located and rescued. In any case, should we not meet again, I want to thank you for flying with our airline.” PECKING ORDER A white, Chinese and a black woman were seated on adjacent seats on an airplane. All of a sudden a frantic voice announced over the passenger address system that the plane was going to crash. Immediately the white woman pulled out her make-up and started primping. The other two asked her what she was doing. She replied: “After a crash they always look for the beautiful people first.” The Chinese women opened her purse and started putting on all of her jewelry. When the other two asked her what she was doing, she answered: “After a crash they always look for the rich people first.” At that the black women started taking off her pants and of course the other two women asked her what she was doing. She said: “I don't know where you all get your info, but they always search for the black box first!” CLARIFICATION A student was heading to Miami for Spring Break. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to Miami. As she gave the agent her luggage, she remarked: "I'd like you to send my brown suitcase to Nova Scotia and my black suitcase to Paris." The confused agent said: "I'm sorry, miss, we just can't do that." "Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!" EMERGENCY PROCEDURE “Pilot to Tower . . . Pilot to Tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!” “Tower to Pilot …Tower to Pilot … repeat after me: ‘Our Father, who art in heaven…’” On-time departure A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said: “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant: “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The flight attendant asked: “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” He said: “Yes”
So she said: “Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.” IDENTITY CRISIS The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted: “Let's go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” - said the photographer - “and make several low-level passes.” “Why?” - asked the nervous pilot. “Because I'm going to take pictures!” - yelled the photographer. “I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures.” After a long pause, the “pilot” replied: “You mean, you're not my instructor?” EL AL It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.. "Would you like dinner?" - the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?," - Moshe asked. "Yes or no," - she replied. WHAT TIME IS IT? On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking: "What time is it?" The tower responded: "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied: "What difference does it make?" The tower replied: "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'" HOSTESS Passenger, to a Sexy Air Hostess: “What is your name?” Air Hostess answered: “Benz, Sir!” Passenger said: “Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedes Benz?” Air hostess: “Same price, Sir." COMMON COURTESY Flying 30000 feet above the mountains, suddenly all four engines failed. The captain announced on the PA system: “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain seated in your designated seats, so as to facilitate the identification. Thank you for flying with us”. ANIMAL WORLD CAT ON THE ROOF A bachelor loved his cat so much that he would hurry home after work to see if everything was all right with it. He hardly ever joined his mates, who usually went to the pub. One day he was sent overseas on business and had to leave his beloved pet with his next-door neighbor, who promised to take good care of it. The next day when the man phoned and asked about the cat’s welfare, he learned to his astonishment that it met with an accident and was dead. The man was grief-stricken. It took him several (long distance) minutes to recover his wits and speak up: “As a good friend, I expected you would have had some consideration for my feelings and not have sprung this calamity on me so abruptly,”- he said in a broken voice. “I am sorry that I caused you so much distress,” - answered the neighbor. “How should I have broken the news to you?” “Well, for example when I asked about the cat, you could have told me that it is on the roof. Then, during our next conversation, you could have told me, that it had fallen off the roof and was badly wounded. Only then, would you have advised me, that although everything possible was done to save its life it had unfortunately died.” “I understand,” - replied the repentant neighbor. “And now tell me, how is my mother?” - continued the man. “She went on the roof,” – came the prompt reply.
“Can you find a job for me?” The official’s chin dropped: “A talking dog!” – he thought. “Leave me your phone number, I’m absolutely sure that I’ll be able to find something for you.” The dog went home and the clerk excitedly phoned the local circus and related his story. The director immediately offered to hire his protégé. The Labor Exchange official phoned the dog’s home: “I’ve got wonderful news for you! The local circus director is ready to offer you a well-paying job.” “But sir, I’m a bricklayer by profession.”
“Mummy, are we polar bears?” “Yes, my dear.” “And is Pappy a polar bear too?” “Yes, he is.” “And were Grandma and Grandpa polar bears too?” “Of course they were, but why are you asking?” “I don’t know why, but I’m bloody awfully cold.” TRUE TO FORM A panda bear walked into a saloon and ordered a sandwich. The waiter brought him his order. After the panda finished its meal, it pulled out a pistol, shot the waiter and started to leave. The bartender shouted: “Hey you! What do you think you're doing?” The panda said: “I'm a panda. Look it up in any reference book..” The bartender got out an encyclopedia and looked up “panda.” Sure enough it said: “Panda n., a bear-like marsupial native to China. Known largely for its stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
“What is your hurry, little fellow?” - he asked. “Some animal raped the lioness,” – answered the frightened rodent – “and its mate is suspicious of every male in sight.”
“Sir! I’ve something sensational to show you. If you see my act, I’m sure you’ll offer me $50,000 per night.” “Usually we don’t accept strangers,” – said the agent, – “but since you claim to have something sensational, I’ll make an exception.” The guy arrived at the agency’s office, took a matchbox out of his pocket, removed a tiny white piano from it and put it on the table. From his other pocket he took another matchbox in which a white mouse perched. The man set the mouse at the piano and the small creature, with a virtuosity and technique that would have shamed Ugo Pogorelicz, started performing the most difficult Chopin, Beethoven, Rachmaninow and Tschaikowsky pieces. The agent listened for a while, then shook his head sorrowfully: “I’m sorry, but I can’t get you a contract. Who the hell listens to classical music these days?”
“How did it go with giraffe last night?” - he asked. The mouse, barely able to lift his head, replied: “I'll tell you one thing, between the French kissing and the sex, I must have run about a hundred miles last night!”
“This is what happens when you move with undue haste!” NAME CALLING A robber broke into a house he thought was empty. He was already in the second room when he heard a voice: “Jesus is watching you!” Frightened, he looked around, but since he didn’t see anyone, he continued his search for valuables. After a while the voice sounded again: “Jesus is watching you!” The robber looked around again and discovered a parrot in the corner of the room. He asked it: “Was it you who said ‘Jesus is watching you!’?” “Yes, of course.” “And what is the name you go by?” “Clarence.” “What a silly name for a parrot. Who was the blockhead who named you?” “The same person who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”
“I am considered one of the cleverest animals in the forest. How do you manage to win all our games? What is your secret?” “Before every game I always visit my mistress,” - answered the hare. “Having sex sharpens my brain and gives me so much energy that I play better than average.” The fox remained unconvinced that the same trick would work for him, but decided to give it a try anyway. Before their next game he went into the kitchen and while his wife was preparing dinner, surprised her from behind. His spouse must have been very busy, because she did not even turn around and just asked: “Going to play chess, Bunny dear?”
“Maybe his owner couldn’t come and the dog came alone to get his nightly drink.” He poured the animal its usual potion; the dog lapped it up, wagged its tail again and sauntered out. The same thing happened the next evening. The dog came in, had a drink and left again. On the third day, the regular patron showed up again and approached the barman. “I am very grateful to you for taking care of my dog during my sickness,” – he said. “I brought you a nice lobster for your trouble.” “Thank you,” - replied the barman, - “I’ll take it home for dinner.” “He already had dinner,” - explained his customer. “Take him to the movies.” MOUSY DEALINGS Chewing its way through some old reels at the Warner Brothers film-library, a mouse encountered a colleague. “How is the film?” - he asked. “The book was better.”
“You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.” The cat thought for a moment and said: “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.” “Say no more” - said the Lord and instantly a wonderful fluffy pillow appeared. A few days later, six mice were killed in a farming accident and went to heaven. Again, there was the Lord to greet them with the same offer. The mice answered: “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?” The Lord said: “Say no more” - and fitted each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stopped by to see the cat and found him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently woke him and asked: “How are things since you got here?” The cat stretched luxuriously, yawned and replied: “It is wonderful here. Better than I could ever have expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!”
The dog got off the bus and went along the street, followed by the butcher, until they reached a certain house. The dog put the basket on the steps and hit the door hard with his head. He waited for a while and then repeated his action several times, until a man looked out of one of the windows and opened the door for him. The butcher could not resist the temptation to turn to the dog’s owner and enthuse: “I hope that you don’t mind, but I followed your dog here from my shop and I must tell you, that I never saw such a clever animal in my life.” Replied the dog’s owner scornfully: “Clever? The hell he is! This is the second time in a row this week that he has forgotten his house key.” I DIDN’T MEAN YOU! A drunkard took his dog for a walk. A passerby asked: “What are you doing with that pig?” “It is not a pig,” - said the lush, - “it’s a dog.” “I wasn’t speaking to you, I was addressing your dog.” DISABILITY An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. He was overjoyed by his find, but was sure none of his friends would believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by, they fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend: “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?” “I sure did,” – responded his friend. “He can't swim.” BRAGGARTS Three mice were sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounded a shot of scotch, slammed the glass onto the bar, turned to the second mouse and said: “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese.” The second mouse ordered up two shots of sour mash, pounded them both, slammed each glass onto the bar, turned to the first mouse and replied: “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.” The first mouse and the second mouse then turned to the third mouse. The third mouse let out a long sigh and said to the first two: “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.” JUST REWARD A blind man was walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They came to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, led the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This was followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers tried desperately not to run the pair down. The pair finally reached the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulled a cookie out of his pocket, which he offered to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, couldn't control his amazement and said to the blind man: “Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!” The blind man turned partially in his direction and replied: “To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.”
"You talk?" - he asked. "Yep," - the mutt replied. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looked up and said: "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government. So, I told the CIA about my gift and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired." The guy was amazed. He went back in and asked the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner said: "Ten dollars." The guy said he'll buy him, but asked the owner: "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replied: "Because he's such a fucking liar. He never did any of that stuff " CAT A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of it one day by driving it 20 blocks from his home and leaving it at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man called home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes “, - the wife answered, - "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered: "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!! Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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