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- WOMEN’S LIB GIRLIE DREAMS
- Let the cat out !” KEEPING HERSELF PURE
- THE IDEAL HUSBAND The definition of an ideal husband: Does not smoke Does not drink Does not flirt Does not exist. LIFE GOES ON
- MORAL
LIMITED INFIRMITY A man came to the physician and complained: “Doctor, I cannot get it up anymore.” The doctor prescribed him some pills, but warned him not to take more than one pill weekly. He also explained that the influence of the pill wears off after one hour, but that should be sufficient. The patient, anxious to try out his new medication and being sure that his wife was at home, took one pill even before he opened his door. To his surprise the apartment was empty and a note from his wife advised him that she left to visit her mother. By the time the wife returned home, the influence of the pill had of course worn off and no effort could get up the sagging manhood of the husband. The next day the man returned to the physician and asked him if he can take just one more pill. He explained that he took one when his wife was absent and it was wasted. Jokingly, the physician inquired: “Don’t you have a girlfriend next-door? Couldn’t she have helped you out?” The patient protested indignantly: “If you must know, I happen to have a very nice neighbor, but with her I don’t need a pill.”
“How are things at home?” - asked the good doctor. “My folks are divorcing,”- answered Moishe’le. “For Heavens’ sake why? They seem such a nice couple.” “I overheard them talking that my father has become impotent.” “This is not a problem these days, Moishe’le. Take these pills and give your Dad one each every three days.” Moishe’le hurried home gratefully. He tried to memorize the exact dosage and kept repeating to himself - 'one pill every three days, one pill every three days,' - but then he stumbled and got confused, - 'three pills every day, three pills every day.' Two weeks later the doctor ran into Moishe’le again. The boy looked noticeably thinner and was even more troubled. “My God, Moishe’le what happened? And how is your Dad?” “Don’t even ask! My mother is dead, my sister is pregnant, my behind feels sore and the dog won’t dare return home.” STRONG MEDICINE A lady went to the doctor and complained that her husband was losing interest in sex. The doctor gave her a pill, warned her it is still experimental and told her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. About a week later she was back at the doctor and reported joyously: “Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!” The doctor said: “I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.” “Naah... “, – she said, – “that's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway.”
“Have the Viagra pills I prescribed been of any help?” “Beyond my wildest dreams. I feel like a 20-year-old,” - enthused the old fellow. “And what is your wife’s opinion?” “I don’t know. I haven’t been home for two weeks.”
“How are you grandpa? - he asked. “Feeling fine,” - said the old man. “What's the food like?” “Terrific, wonderful menus.” “And the nursing?” “Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.” “What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?” “No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light.” The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushed off to question the Sister in charge. “What are you people doing?” - he said. “I'm told you're giving an old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?” “Oh, yes,” - replied the Sister. “Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.” GOLFER An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked: "How many?" The man replied: "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said: "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy.” The old fellow said: "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes. HANDLING PAIN A man visited the dentist. After examining him, the dentist said: “That tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novocain and I’ll be back in a few minutes.” The man grabbed the dentist’s arm and screamed: “No way! I hate needles. I’m not getting any shot!” The dentist said: “OK, we’ll have to go with the gas then.” His patient replied: “Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I’m not having gas.” So the dentist stepped out and came back with a glass of water: “Here,” – he said, – “take this pill.” The man asked: “What is it?” The dentist replied: “Viagra.” The man looked surprised and asked: “Will that kill the pain?” “No,” – replied the dentist, – “but it will give you something to hang onto while I pull your tooth.”
"How much?" - asked Grandpa. "$10 a pill," - answered the son. "I don't care," - said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one and I'll give you the money in the morning." The next morning the son found $110 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa: "I told you each pill was $10, not $110." "I know," – said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
“I would love to be a star like Brigitte Bardot.” The second woman had higher ambitions: “I would like to be reborn as someone of standing, like Golda Meir.” The third said with a dreamy expression: “I would prefer to become a marine pipeline” When she saw the astonished looks on her companion’s faces, she simply pointed to a headline in that day’s paper: “MARINE PIPELINE LAID BY 100 MEN.” CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTORS Two women shared an apartment for many years. Both were conscientious objectors to sexual intercourse and avoided contact with men as much as possible. Even their cat was kept safely locked in the apartment, lest it meet tomcats. Then through her work, one of the women got acquainted with a man, fell in love and married him. Her friend’s marriage came as a shock to the other woman, but she put on a brave face and asked her mate to write from her honeymoon. A few days passed and no mail arrived. Then, after a week, a postcard came with just a few words scribbled on it hurriedly: “Let the cat out!”
“No thank you,” - she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.” “That must be rather difficult,” - the man replied. “Oh, I don't mind too much,” - she said, - “but it has my husband is pretty upset.” KNOWS HER MIND A good-looking middle-aged woman entered a lingerie shop. “I would like to buy some underwear.” “Did you have anything specific in mind?” “Specifically I had screwing on my mind, but just now I would like to buy some undies.” GAVE HIM A DRESSING On the bus a man thoroughly and provocatively scrutinized a shapely woman sitting on the opposite seat, giving her the once over several times. Finally, the woman spoke up: “Would you please dress me up again? I have to get off at the next station.” GOD’S GIFTS God was just about done creating the universe, but he had a couple of leftover things in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. “It's a very handy thing,” - God told the couple, who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.” Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged: “Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden, or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please...” On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good. “Fine,” - God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. “What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...” THE IDEAL HUSBAND The definition of an ideal husband: Does not smoke Does not drink Does not flirt Does not exist.
“What is your occupation?” - he asked the lady of the household. “I am a housewife.” “And what does your husband do for a living?” “My husband died 17 years ago,” - answered the woman. The man looked at the half-a-dozen small kids raising hell in the various parts of the apartment. “And to whom these children belong to?” “They are mine,” - came the prompt answer. “How is that possible?” “It is my husband who passed away, not me!” PERVERSION A psychiatrist administered a Rorschach test to his patient. First he showed her an inkblot within a circle. “Tell me please, my dear lady, what is your interpretation of this drawing?” “It’s a couple making love in a circular room.” Next he showed her an inkblot within a rectangle. “What do you see now?” “It’s a couple making love in a rectangular room.” Finally he showed her an inkblot within a triangle. “And now?” The women looked suspiciously at the doctor and then burst out: “What sort of a pervert pig are you anyway?” FAIR CHANCE The young woman was holding on to her strap on the bus when from behind she suddenly felt a man’s body clinging to hers quite closely. The bus was crowded, but not that crowded. She turned around and asked: “Tell me, do you want to screw me?” “No,” – replied her startled fellow passenger, – “I have no such intention.” “Then please move away and give somebody else a chance.” UNISEX The guests at the wealthy socialite’s house were treated to an impromptu concert. One of the guests whispered to the person next to him: “That girl is singing completely off-key.” “That is my son who is singing,” - replied the other. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were his father.” “No, I’m his mother.”
“I know all about you. You'd like me to throw you on the bed, rip your clothes off, kiss you all over your body and make violent love to you.” The woman looked at the phone in amazement and replied: “You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?'' GIFTS One day the Lord came to Adam and said: “I've got some good news and some bad news”. Adam said: “Well, give me the good news first.” The Lord explained: “I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your species and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you have this organ to give her children.” Adam, very excited, exclaimed: “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?” The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow: “You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time.” HERMAPHRODITE A woman gave birth to a baby. Afterwards, the doctor came in and said: “I have to tell you something about your baby.” The woman sat up in bed and asked: “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???” The doctor said: “Well, now, nothing’s wrong exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.” “A hermaphrodite.... what’s that???” “Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... both of a male and a female.” The woman turned pale. She said: “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?” Has the equipment A couple went on a holiday to a fishing resort at Lakes Entrance. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lakes area, the wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to read her book. Along came a fishing inspector in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and said: "Good morning ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," – she replied (thinking "isn't that obvious!"). "You're in a restricted fishing area," – he informed her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and make a report." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," – said the woman.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," – and he left ..............
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will). Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her: “I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.......on one condition.” Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied: “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The woman considered his proposition for a moment and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.... “Clean my house.” Women are not stupid.
“Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?” Answer: “Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.” * Question “Why do men like big tits and a tight pussy?” Answer: “Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.” * Question: “How can you tell if your husband is dead?” Answer: “The sex is the same but you get the remote.” Page of 405 Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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