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- ON THE FARM NO PROBLEM
- IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD
- Brief one: * Question: “How does a shepherd find a sheep in tall grass” Answer: “Very satisfying.” OUT OF AFRICA
- PARENTING IRONCLAD
NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally ." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Andy said: "We've got to give it back." Sally said: "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking
"Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said: "No". Andy said: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic”. Sally said: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile". The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…” The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "We're outta here!" Brief ones: * The physician’s advice to the elderly gent who complained that his much older neighbor boasted to everybody that he has intercourse with his wife three times weekly: “You can say it too!” * Question: “What in your opinion is the main reason you reached the ripe old age of 100?” Answer: “The main reason is that I was born in 1901.” * Question: “Is your wife still so beautiful?” Answer: “She is, but it takes her half-an-hour more.” ON THE FARM NO PROBLEM Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in the cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull mounting one of his heifers. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear: “Mabel, I sure wouldn’t mind doing a bit of that.” “Well then, why don't you?”– Mabel whispered back. “It is your heifer.”
“This is our multi-decorated prize-bull. He performs his duties twice daily and has sired many fine, high yield cows...” “Did you hear that Fritz,” – said one of a the ladies – “that bull does it twice a day!” “Yea,” – replied her husband nonchalantly – “but with a different cow each time.” ON THE ROAD On a deserted country road, a student stopped a farmer in a horse-drawn buggy: “Tell me please, is it far to the nearest town?” “Not very far.” “Can you give me a lift?” “Sure.” The buggy advanced in its slow way along the bumpy road. An hour passed then another couple of hours. The student nodded off and when he woke up, they still were in the middle of nowhere. Finally he spoke up: “Tell me, is it still far to the town?” “It sure is now.” COUP OF GRACE Farmer Joe decided that his injuries from an accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning the farmer: “Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I'm fine’?” - asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded: “Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...” “I didn't ask for any details,” - the lawyer interrupted, - “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident 'I'm fine'?” Farmer Joe said: “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...” The lawyer interrupted again and said: “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact, that at the scene of the accident this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks later he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer: “I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.” Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded: “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said: ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are YOU feeling?’”
“So what has my cow ‘said’?” – asked the farmer. “It said, that it hasn’t been milked today and its udder is almost bursting.” “That’s right,” – said the farmer – “I forgot to milk the poor beast today.” But still he was unconvinced. At that moment the horse neighed. “And what was it that my horse said?” – queried the farmer. “That it has a splinter in its hoof and it’s in great pain.” The farmer examined the horse’s hoof and removed a great splinter from it. Now he no longer doubted that the magician really understands the language of the animals. Suddenly the bleating of the goat was heard. “Don’t you go and believe a word of what it says!” – shouted the farmer in alarm.
“We will gladly have you,” - answered the farmer, - “but ours is a small house and we only have two rooms. I sleep with my wife in one room, so you can either sleep in the other room with our baby, or in the stable. There is some fresh hay in there, so it will be soft and smell good.” The traveler was tired and did not want risk sleeping with a baby, whose crying would keep him awake most of the night, so he chose the stable. In the morning, after a wonderfully restful night, he was washing up at the well, when a beautiful, young maiden emerged from the house. “Who are you?” - asked the stranger. “I am Baby,” - answered the girl. “And who might you be?” “I am an idiot.” In Eastern European anecdotes, Aristid and Tasilo are the names of two characters, personifying typical pre-World War II noblemen – foolish, lazy and conceited, of no use to the society. DO IT YOURSELF Aristid and Tasilo owned a cattle-farm. They made a nice living selling milk, producing dairy products and selling male calves for meat. One day, during a big fire, their stable burned down and all their cattle perished. Aristid became very dejected. “What are we going to do?” - he wailed. “Where will our livelihood come from?” “Don’t worry,” - consoled him Tasilo. “A small shed, with one calf, was not destroyed. We shall take the calf to be bred, it will have calves, which in turn will be inseminated and soon enough we will have a big herd.” Aristid perked up a little. They took the calf to the village and asked one of the peasants: “How much do you charge for having your bull mount our heifer.” “Just $200,” - replied the peasant. “Don’t you think that it is too much?” - asked Tasilo. The owner of the bull retorted angrily: “If you don’t like the price, maybe you should do it yourself.” Both Aristid and Tasilo found this to be a capital idea. They returned to their farm and threw a coin to decide who will perform the deed. It turned out, that Tasilo was the man. He took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and entered the shed. For a while only muffled bangs, crashes and clangs were heard from the inside and then Tasilo reemerged, breathing heavily, with torn clothing and bleeding from several scratches. “What on Earth happened to you?” - asked Aristid in astonishment. “Do you know how difficult it is to flip a cow on its back?” WHO’S WHO A zebra from the big city zoo visited the farm. It was the first time in its life that he was out in the countryside and he was curious about everything. First he visited the barnyard and on seeing a bird-like creature, scratching in the dirt, asked: “Who are you?” “I am a hen,” - came the answer. “And what do you do?” “I lay eggs.” Next he reached the stables and encountered a four-legged animal, peacefully chewing some oats. “Who are you?” - asked the zebra. “I am a horse.” “And what do you do?” “I draw the cart.” Near the cowshed, penned in a fenced enclosure, the zebra beheld another mighty four-legged animal, glaring furiously out of red-rimmed eyes at the intruder. “And who might you be?” - asked the frightened visitor. “I am the bull.” “And what do you do?” “Take off your fancy pajamas and I will show you.”
“Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.” Well, Randy the rooster cost a lot of money, but the farmer decided he'd be worth it. So, he bought Randy. The farmer took Randy home and set him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk first. “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun.” Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nailed every hen in the hen house three, or four times, and the farmer was really shocked. After that the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy was in there. Later, the farmer saw Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He got all the geese. By sunset he saw Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer was distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. The farmer went to bed and waked up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shook his head and said: “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.” Randy opened one eye, nodded toward the buzzards circling in the sky and said: “Shhh, they're getting closer!”
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," - demanded the agent. "Well," - replied the farmer, - "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit, who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," - said the agent. "That would be me," - replied the farmer.
“How does a shepherd find a sheep in tall grass?” Answer: “Very satisfying.” OUT OF AFRICA TRIBAL CUSTOM An anthropologist arrived at an out-of-the-way tribe in Africa and was astonished to discover that solely men inhabited the village. “Where are your wives?” - asked the researcher. “Do you live without women?” “Not at all,”- answered one of the tribesmen, - “but as required by tradition, every six months our females take the cattle to the mountain pastures and return to the village only after another six months.” “A very interesting habit,”- remarked the anthropologist politely, - “but tell me, how do you manage without female companionship so long?” “We keep some sheep in a pen nearby and if somebody feels the urge, they always can accommodate him.” The research at the tribe took longer than expected and after a few months without a female around, the anthropologist became restless. One evening, when it seemed that nobody was nearby, he sneaked into the pen and started copulating with one of the sheep. Suddenly he heard stifled laughter behind him. When he turned around, he saw that most of the tribes’ members were standing on the sidelines watching his performance and openly snickering. “What is the matter?” - asked the embarrassed scientist. “Didn’t not you tell me, that when your wives are away you do it with the sheep?” “Of course we do,” - answered one of the tribesmen, - “what we don’t understand is why you chose the ugliest ewe.” THIRD WORLD ENCOUNTER A boy and his father, visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father: “What is this, Father?” The father responded: “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!” While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and out stepped a voluptuous 24-year old woman. The father said to his son: “Go get your mother.” TRADITIONALLY-MINDED Food-stocks at the cannibal village were getting dangerously low and led by the village elder, a posse of young males set out to forage for food. After searching in vain for several hours, the hunters came at the beach across two shipwrecked girls, washed ashore on the island. They were hungry, but not that hungry! After all they could always catch some game. These were fresh and beautiful girls, even by cannibal standards and it would be a waste to use them as food. So the village elder confronted the girls with a proposal: “You have two choices. In accordance with our ancient tradition, you can either have nick-nick with a chosen group of our young and potent males and bear their offspring, or have the honor of becoming the main course tonight at the thanksgiving dinner to our merciful God.” The girls were brought up in a convent and until then the thought of participating in group-sex with a bunch of primitives had never crossed their minds. Still, one of them was a practical type and had no difficulty in deciding, that being nick-nicked by some muscle-bound, even if unwashed hunk, was much more preferable, to being devoured by the ravenous tribesmen, but her comrade told the village-elder, that she preferred death over dishonor. The elder was not too unhappy over her decision. He was quite old and would much rather have a full stomach, than satisfy his more basic instincts, but tradition had to be upheld and so he told the girl: “I assure you that you will always be remembered as the best dish we ever had, but in accordance with our ancient tradition and so that you will not go into the pot too sadly, you will be privileged and have first some nick-nick with some of our young and potent males.” TEACHING ENGLISH A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he took the chief for a walk in the forest. He pointed to a tree and said to the chief: "This is a tree." The chief looked at the tree and grunted: "Tree." The Priest was pleased with the response. They walked a little further and he pointed to a rock and said: "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looked and grunted: "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he heard a rustling in the bushes. As they peeked over the top, he saw a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest was really flustered and quickly responded: "Man riding a bike." The chief looked at the couple briefly, pulled out his blowgun and killed them. The Priest went ballistic and yelled at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied: "My bike."
“This is the hour of lovers and many youngsters pass by,” - answered the proprietor. “Can you give me a more precise description?” “The young man looks like a hooligan,” - answered the parents - “whereas the girl has long blonde hair and an innocent-looking face.” “I saw several couples fitting this description. Does she have any distinctive markings?” “She does indeed. A metallic sound is heard, when she walks.” “Now that you mention it, a while ago a pair of young people were here. They seemed to be in an awful hurry and asked for a tin-opener.” MODEL PARENT A man pushing a cart, which contained a screaming, bellowing baby was seen in the supermarket. The gentleman kept repeating softly: “Don't get excited, Albert. Don't scream, Albert. Don’t yell, Albert. Keep calm, Albert.” A woman standing next to him said: “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert.” The man looked at her and said: “Lady, I'm Albert.” FREE WILL On the eve of his son’s departure to study at a university abroad, the anxious father asked: “You will write often, won’t you son?” “Of course I will Dad, but from time to time you can send some money on your own volition.”
“My God, that child is ugly. Is it yours?” The woman didn’t reply and proceeded angrily to an empty seat. She was still fuming and held on to seat’s support as if it were the driver’s neck. A well-dressed gentleman in the seat next to her, asked: “My dear lady, what happened over there? May I be of assistance?” “That impudent bastard at the wheel insulted me.” “You should complain to his superiors. It’s outrageous how public employees behave these days.” “A good idea. I’ll go and ask for his name.” “Go on. Shall I keep an eye on the monkey meanwhile?” SOUND MIND The relatives of the rich widow assembled at the family lawyer's office for the reading of her will. “Being of sound mind,” – read the attorney, – “I spent every last cent before I died.” NOT ENLIGHTENED The conservative parents did not enlighten their daughter about the facts of life. They presumed that nature would have its way and when her time came, she would just instinctively follow her husband’s lead. The day after the daughter’s wedding, in the early morning hours, the doorbell rang long and hysterically at the family’s home. When the mother opened the door, there stood her puffy eyed and distraught daughter. “What happened, dearest?” – asked the worried mother. “I left that no-good jerk. You can't imagine what a disgusting thing he wanted to do to me!”
"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picked up the phone and made a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stopped in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, stepped out of the car and entered the house. He sat in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl and told them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll provide support. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him: "Then you try again."
“He is well qualified in Jewish religious matters, however he is not a very good Communist.” This candidate too was not accepted and Brezhnev charged the KGB man to go on looking for someone equally strong in both categories. Not long afterwards, the Chief informed his boss that at last he has located someone who is both a long-standing and faithful member of the Party and a real expert on anything that is Jewish. “He has a handicap though” - remarked the KGB functionary. “And what is that?” - demanded Brezhnev. “He is Jewish!” Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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