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- TAX MATTERS A TAXING QUESTION
- EMPLOYER/ EMPLOYEE RELATIONSHIP
- TECHNOLOGY/COMPUTERS THE LATEST IN TECHNOLOGY
- IF A RESTAURANT FUNCTIONED LIKE MICROSOFT
- HAROLD, THE COMPUTER GUY
- THE ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSOR THE UMBRELLA
- A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY
- THE ESTABLISHMENT THE CARD
- THOSE PROFESSIONALS SCIENTIFIC CONCLUSION
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A divorced man met his ex-wife's new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he went over to the new guy and asked him: "So... how do you like using second hand stuff?" To which the new husband replied: "It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches, it's all brand new." TAX MATTERS A TAXING QUESTION A woman walked into the local IRS office and declared loudly: “I came in to settle our coitus tax.” The receptionist was a quite embarrassed, but said: “I am sorry Madam, but we have no intercourse taxes that I know of.” “So why did my husband tell me this morning to go and pay the fucking taxes?”
“I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax and understated my taxable income. I enclose a check for $150.00. If I still can't sleep, I’ll send the rest.” MUSCLE MAN The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $100 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money. Many people (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit and said in a tiny, squeaky voice: “I'd like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man, but the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $100 and asked the little man “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”The man replied: “I work for the IRS.” DRESS CODE A Jew came to see the rabbi: “Rabbi! There's something is wrong with my tax returns and I have been summoned to the IRS offices. Can you tell me what shall I wear? My best suit, or rather something shabby?” “My son, questions as regards the dress code belong to my wife's department. Let's go and ask her.” “This is a very good question,” – said the rabbi's wife. “The other day Rebecca asked me if on her wedding night she should wear a nightgown, pajamas, or maybe should await her husband naked. I told her that it doesn't matter. She will be screwed anyway.” EMPLOYER/ EMPLOYEE RELATIONSHIP A businessman entered the IRS offices and asked: “Could you please give me two weeks of leave? I want to take my family for a holiday.” “You must be out of your mind,” – said the clerk. “Why are you asking us for leave?” “Where else would I go? Aren’t you the ones I work for?” ROLL MODEL An old Catholic priest was dying. He sent a message for his I.R.S. agent and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the old priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed, grasped their hands, sighed contentedly and stared at the ceiling. For a time no one said anything. Both the I.R.S. agent and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments, but they were puzzled, because the priest had never before given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally the lawyer asked: “Father, why did you ask the two of us to come? The old priest mustered up his failing strength, then said weakly: “Jesus died between two thieves… and that is just how I want to go too”. TECHNOLOGY/COMPUTERS THE LATEST IN TECHNOLOGY One evening a diminutive Japanese was seen walking on Main Street. Because of the two large, apparently heavy, suitcases he was carrying, he made only slow progress. Every twenty meters or so he paused to take a breath, put down his burden and wiped his perspiring brow. A passerby asked him: “Excuse me, do you know what time it is?” The Japanese put down his suitcase, looked at his wristwatch, pressed a button twice, then pressed it several times. At last he declared: “It is half past seven.” “Thank you, but if you don’t mind, I only asked you for the time of the day. Why did you have to fiddle with your watch so long?” “This is not a simple watch. Look here, I depress this button and it becomes a phone. I depress it again and it is a fax machine, once again and it is a computer, once again and it is a video recorder.” “This is simply wonderful,” - gushed the passerby. “Would you sell it to me, please?” The Japanese was hard to convince, but finally, after being offered a substantial sum, he agreed. The buyer handed over the money, buckled the watch on his wrist, thanked the seller profusely and started walking away. “But sir,” - shouted the Japanese, pointing to his suitcases. “You forgot the batteries!”
“Excuse me Sir, where am I?” “You are in an airplane,” - came the ready answer. The pilot executed an 80 turn and landed the airplane at Seattle airport. The grateful passengers hugged the captain and thanked him for saving their lives. They just wanted to know how he had managed to perform this remarkable feat. “It is really very simple,” - said the pilot. “As soon as I heard the man giving me some completely useless information, I realized we were at the ‘Microsoft’ building in Seattle. I knew the airport lies 80 off that building, so I circled around and landed.”
“Out of sight, out of mind!” Within 5 seconds, a Russian sentence appeared on the screen. Everybody stared at the Cyrillic script, but as none of those present understood Russian, nobody could verify that the translation was correct. Suddenly the general had a bright idea (it does happen sometimes, believe me!): “Let the computer translate the Russian sentence back to English.” Again 5 seconds passed and then the translation came up. It read: “Invisible idiot!” CHICKENBROTH A recent quote from the “Meat & Poultry” magazine tells the following story: The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass’ impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: “Use a thawed chicken.”
Waiter: “Hi, my name is Bill and I'm your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?” Patron: “There's a fly in my soup!” Waiter: “Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.” Patron: “No, it's still there.” Waiter: “Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork.” Patron: “Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.” Waiter: “Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?” Patron: “A SOUP bowl!” Waiter: “Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?” Patron: “You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!” Waiter: “Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?” Patron: “I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!” Waiter: “Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?” Patron: “You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??” Waiter: “Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.” Patron: “Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?” Waiter: “The current Soup of the Day is tomato.” Patron: “Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.” The waiter left and returned with another bowl of soup and the check: Waiter: “Here you are, Sir, the soup and your check.” Patron: “But this is potato soup.” Waiter: “Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.” Patron: “Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.” The waiter left. Patron: “Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!” The check: Soup of the Day ……… .........……… $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day…. $2.50 Access to support …………………… $10.00 Total ………………………………… $17.50
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat and in it was the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: “Where did you come from? How did you get here?” “I rowed from the other side of the island,” - she said. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.” “Amazing,” - he said, - “I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.” “It's only me,” - she said - “and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did.” He was confused: “Then how did you get the rowboat?” “Oh, simple,” - replied the woman. “I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the sides from palm branches, and the bottom, bow and stern came from a eucalyptus tree.” “But, but, that's impossible,” - stuttered the man. “You had no tools or hardware - how did you manage?” “Oh, that was no problem,” - the woman said. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if fired to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?” Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. “Well, let's row over to my place, then,” - she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walked into the house, she said casually: “It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?” “No, no, thank you,” - he said, still dazed. “I can't take any more coconut juice.” “It's not coconut juice,” - the woman replied. “I have a still. How about a pina colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced: “I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.” No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. “ This woman is amazing,” - he mused. “What next?” When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing, but vines strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” - she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, -”we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know....” She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: “You mean...,” - he replied, - “I can check my e-mail from here??” And another, sport-slanted variation of the same delightful little story: SEDUCTION SCENE One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, saw an unusual speck on the horizon. “It’s certainly not a ship,” - he thought to himself. As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf came this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approached the stunned guy and asked: “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!” - he said. She reached over, unzipped a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a packet of fresh cigarettes. He took one, lighted it and after taking a long drag and sighed: “Man, oh man! Is that ever good!” She then asked him: “How long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” Trembling, he replied: “Ten years!” She unzipped the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulled out a flask and gave it to him. The man opened the flask, took a long swig and said: “Wow, that’s absolutely fantastic!” The woman then started slowly unzipping the long zipper that ran down the front of her wet suit, looked at him seductively and asked: “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?” The guy, with tears in his eyes, replied: “Oh sweet Lord God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!” MOUSING AROUND I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous “Microsoft Mouse” position). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple. GREAT WRITER There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer. When asked to define “great”, he said: “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!” He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in... P..... E.....
N..... I.....
S..... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH HAROLD, THE COMPUTER GUY I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him: "So, what was wrong?" He replied: "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" Harold grinned: "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No"- I replied. "Write it down" - he said - "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote it down: "I D 1 0 T." Shame, I used to like Harold .................
“What is common between women and Windows95”? Answer: “The Plug and Play feature.” *”We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.” Professor Robert Silensky of California University THE ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSOR THE UMBRELLA The absent-minded professor checked out of his hotel. A few hours later when it started raining, he noticed that he had left his umbrella in his hotel room. He went back to the hotel, but the reception-clerk told him that a young couple on their honeymoon occupied the room. “They checked in not long ago, so I suggest you go up there, knock on their door and ask them if they have found an umbrella.” The professor took the elevator upstairs. When he reached his old room and was about to knock on the door, he heard voices from the inside: “Who do these soft hands belong to?” - said a man’s voice. “To you, my darling,” - answered a female voice. “Whom do these sweet lips belong to?” “To you, sweetheart.” “Whom do these beautiful breasts belong to?” “To you, honey.” Here the professor’s patience ran out and he shouted through the keyhole: “Excuse me, but when you get to the umbrella, please remember, it belongs to me!”
“At what time do you intend to check out?” - he asked. “Quite early,” - answered the educator. “I have to catch the 6:00 a.m. train.” “Then I could put you up in Room 201. A priest took the room an hour ago, but he looked so tired, that he is probably fast asleep by now. If you keep quiet, he won’t even notice that someone is sharing the room with him.” The professor took the room, settled his bill in advance and asked to be awakened at 5 o’clock in the morning. He undressed in darkness and at dawn when the clerk knocked on his door did not switch on the light. In the dark room and in his haste, he put on the priest’s clothes. The porter summoned a taxi for the professor and it was only at the railway station, when he happened to look into a mirror, that he noticed his mistake. “Look at those fools,”- exclaimed the exasperated professor. “They woke up the priest instead of me!” THE ESTABLISHMENT THE CARD A Department of Water representative stopped at an outer Brisbane farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer: “I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.” The old farmer said: “OK, but don't go in that field over there.” The water representative said: “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?” The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step. The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out........... “Your card! Your card! Show him your card!”
“It seems that sheep in Switzerland are black!” The physicist corrected him: “This is a mistaken conclusion. We can merely state that there is at least one black sheep in Switzerland.” Retorted the mathematician: “Even that is not certain. We can only state that at least one sheep in Switzerland is black on one of its sides.” ENGINEERING PROBLEM Two engineers were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said: “Nice bike. How much?” The first said: “It was free.” The other asked: “Wow, how did you get it for free?” The one with the bike said: “Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted.” The other engineer said: “Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!”
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responded by yelling, at the top of her lungs: “No, I won't sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar was now staring at them. Naturally, the guy was hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slunk back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walked over to him and apologized. She smiled at him and said: “I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responded, at the top of his lungs: “What do you mean $200?” VIAGRA Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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