Avri robert shacham joke categories

“Would next Thursday be all right?”

“No, on Thursday I have to be at my parents’ wedding.”

“Your parents are getting married?” – the secretary was really surprised.

“They don’t really want to,” – answered the old-timer, – “but their parents insist.”
VANILLA ICE CREAM
Said the pensioner to his wife:

“I am stepping out to fetch a six-pack of beer. I shall not be long.”

“Be a dear and write yourself a note to get me a big cone of vanilla ice cream.”

“Oh, I will not forget such a simple request,” - said the husband.

“No, no,” - insisted his spouse, - “you must write it down. You know how forgetful you have become. Besides, I want it topped with some whipped cream.”

“Big deal,” - retorted the man angrily, - “one big cone of vanilla ice cream with whipped cream. That much even I am able to remember.”

He left and after a while came back carrying a box. His wife opened the box and saw that it contained a big Mac.

“You see, I told you to write it down,” - triumphed the wife, - “you forgot the French fries!”

“Guess how old I am.”

“Maybe if you undressed,” – answered the woman, – “I would be able to guess your age.”

The old man took off his clothes and his companion on the bench sized him up carefully. After a while she asked:

“Turn around, please!”

The man complied and felt her scrutinizing eyes on his back, like ants walking up and down. Finally she requested him to turn to the side and after a further check-up, stated:

“You are 92 years old.”

“How did you know?” – said the oldster in amazement. “People tell me that I look much younger.”

“You told me yesterday.”
BEDDING ORDER
A rich old man proposed to a young woman.

“I will marry you,” – said the woman, – “but I have three conditions:

1. Deposit 1 million dollars in my bank account.

2. Buy me a mansion in Santa Monica, with a swimming pool and a Jacuzzi.”

“Consider it done,” – said the prospective husband. “And what is your third condition?”

3. “I want to have sex every day.”

“All right. Put me down for every second Thursday.”
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE
The old, but still agile maid came to her much younger lady-friend, known for her promiscuity and said:

“I have a confession to make. I am 80 years old, but still a virgin. I find it unbearable to die without having been with a man at least once. If you are really a good friend, you will help me get a man. I have a few hundred dollars and I am ready to pay for his services.”

The friend was aghast:

“My dear, at your advanced age, the shock could cause you a heart attack,” - she warned.

The old lady was adamant and in the end, her confidant went out to the nearby park and asked the shabbily dressed vagrant sitting on one of the benches:

“Do you want to make a few bucks? A friend of mine is anxious to be introduced to the pleasures of the flesh.”

The tramp was only too willing, until he saw the intended object of his tryst. Only when he heard the amount he was to be paid, did he relent and take the old girl to a nearby hotel for the night. In the morning when her friend came to the hotel, she found the tramp in bed, having a luxurious breakfast, but the ancient dame was nowhere to be seen.

“You bum! What did you do with her?” – she shouted. “Is she in the hospital? Is she dead?”

“Hush, hush,” – said the man, finishing off a bottle of quality wine. “There is no need to get excited. My lady friend just went to the bank to withdraw her savings.”
DROP-IN
An old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked:

“Do you think we can still do that?”

“Well, we can sure try!” – she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she undressed in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

“What are you doing, sweetheart?” – he asked.

“Well,” - she replied, - “I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”
OLD, NOT FEEBLE
An 80-year-old man went to see his family physician.

“What seems to be the trouble, Uncle Jim?”

“I’m marrying a 20-year-old girl next week. Dear doctor, I know it’s rare at my age, but is it still possible for me to have children?”

“Of course it is possible, just find yourself a young lodger.”

A year later, the doctor met the beaming old geezer walking on the street alongside his young wife who was pushing a huge baby carriage with triplets in it.

“Uncle Jim!” – exclaimed the doctor, – “I’m glad to see that you have succeeded with the babies. And how is your lodger?”

“Don’t mention it! She is pregnant too.”
MISSING PERSON
An old man was sitting on a park bench and crying bitterly. A passersby took pity on him and inquired:

“What is the matter Grandpa? Can I help you?”

“Nobody can help me,” – wailed the man.

“Don’t you have a family to go home to?”

“My wife died seven months ago. I found a girl, a 20-year-old blonde looker, to take care of me. She moved into my house, cooks my favorite dishes for me, washes and irons my clothing and has sex with me every night.”

“So why are you crying?” – asked the passersby.

“I forgot where I live.”
BETTER THAN A SLEEPING PILL
“What do you do when you can’t fall asleep?”

“I count till three.”

“And when that doesn’t help?”

“I count till three-thirty.”

“These days, every tryst takes me about three hours.”

“I am impressed,” – said the young man, – “I never manage to last that long. How do you do it?”

“I spend one hour cajoling, one hour endeavoring and one additional hour apologizing.”

“Don’t you know who I am?” – he asked.

The ladies gave him the once-over and finally one of them said:

“We really don’t know you, but if you can’t remember who you are, they can tell you downstairs at the office.”

The old gent just shrugged: “Very simply. I had one glass of brandy every day.”

“But there are many others who drink and don’t live to become 100 years old,” - wondered the reporter.

“Of course not,” – answered the venerable guy, – “they don’t keep it up long enough.”

“What is your secret for long life?” - he asked the first interviewee.

“I drink a big glass of milk three times a day, in the morning, at noon and at night,” - answered the old guy.

“And how old are you?”

“94 years old.”

The scientist thanked him and called in the second man.

“What is your secret?” - he asked again.

“I refrain from consuming any meat, eat only fresh vegetables and fruit.”

“And what is your age?”

“I just celebrated my 90th birthday.”

The scientist continued with his interviews. The third man said he jogs at least three times a day, each time about 5 kilometers and he is 103 years old. The fourth, fifth and sixth each had their own recipes for longevity and each could point to his advanced years as proof that his secret is the most effective. Finally, in came a man, who looked the oldest of the lot. His back was bent, his head trembling; he barely managed to reach the interviewing table. He too was asked:

“What is your secret?”

“I sleep three times a day with an 18 old girl.”

This was a new angle. The scientist continued with his query:

“And how old are you?”

“49 years old,” - replied the patriarch.

“I am getting on in age and I think I should stop holding these weekly bridge-parties at my house. I prepare sandwiches, cakes, soft drinks and when everybody is gone, I discover that I forgot to serve them.”

“Oh Mum, it would be a foolish to stop something you enjoy so much,” – said the daughter. “I know you look forward to the party all through the week. I‘ll prepare a note and attach it to the fridge door to remind you of the things you must do.”

The system worked fine. When the bridge players next assembled at the old lady’s home and she entered her kitchen, she saw her daughter’s note:

“Serve coffee and cakes.”

The woman followed the instructions. The next time she came to fetch a glass of water, she saw the note again and served her guests again. This scene was repeated for the third and fourth time. There were plenty of cakes and nobody really noticed being served several times, because the bridge partners were as forgetful as their host was.

Just as the guests were leaving, the daughter arrived.

“Did my mother serve you coffee and cakes?” – she asked.

“No,” – replied the friends. “She is becoming a miser in her old age. We were quite hungry, but we did not get anything.”

The daughter entered the apartment and asked her mother:

“Mummy, why didn’t you serve coffee and cakes to your friends?”

“Just imagine,” – answered the lady, – “nobody showed up.”

“Darling, do you remember, 30 years ago we didn’t go down for dinner, but had it here in our room?”

Obediently, Mr. Smith went to the phone and asked Room Service to bring dinner to their room. But Mrs. Smith strove for even more authenticity:

“You remember honey, that on our first honeymoon, we ate our dinner stark naked?”

So, after the old waiter (the same they had 30 years ago!) wheeled in the laden trolley, set the table, lighted the candles and left their suite, both Smiths undressed and sat down to have their festive dinner. Mrs. Smith gushed with happiness and beamed at her husband:

“Isn’t everything the same as it was then? It seems that nothing has changed. I even feel the same warmth in my heart.”

Mr. Smith, poor soul, was less romantically inclined and answered:

“That warmth comes from your tits which hang into the soup, my dear.”

“You should be satisfied that at your age your bowels move so regularly.”

“It is all well,” – replied his patient – “trouble is, I usually wake up at about 8 a. m.”
IT IS HER TURN NOW
Looking pale and drawn, Brown came home from work shortly before noon. He dropped his briefcase near the entrance and fell on the bed exhausted. His wife came running out of the kitchen and putting her hand on his forehead to see whether he is feverish, anxiously inquired:

“What is the matter, darling? Are you sick?”

“Don’t ask!” – answered her husband. “The doctor told me, that I can no longer work and should not do anything tiring. From now on I must take it easy, sit in a comfortable armchair, read my paper and watch TV. As if I can! I am sick with worry about what is going to happen to us. What shall we do? Who will support us from now on?”

“I shall,” – said Mrs. Brown. “For 40 years you were the provider, now it is my turn.”

“But what work can you do at your age?”

“The one I have the most practice in. Just relax and let me worry about everything.”

That evening Mrs. Brown dressed up in her best clothes, put on a lot of makeup, placed a jug of lemonade at her husband’s elbow and left. She returned at dawn, bedraggled, with her make-up smeared all over her face and somewhat proudly, put $33.33 on the table. Brown was aghast:

“But honey, who was the insensitive son of a bitch who gave you 33 cents?”

“Everybody,” – sighed his wife wearily,
LOVE HAS NO LIMITS
The elderly couple met at a pensioners’ social evening and immediately took a fancy to each other. He invited her for a walk in the nearby park; they rested for a while behind some bushes, one thing followed another and soon they were proving that there is no age-limit to lovemaking.

The man was the first to recover and breathing heavily remarked:

“I did not know that at your age you would still be a virgin.”

“If I would have known that you can still get it up at your age,” – replied his date, – “I would have taken off my panties.”

“If it is all the same to you, we would prefer to live in Poland,” - answered the old man.

“And why if we may ask?”

“We are old and feeble and the severe colds of those Russian winters would be hard for us to bear.”

Lady A.: “What's that?”

Lady B.: “A condom.”

Lady A.: “Where'd you get it?”

Lady B.: “You can get them at any drugstore.”

The next day, Lady A. hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a package of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (after all, she was in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

“Doesn't matter,” – she replied, – “as long as it fits a Camel.”

CAUTIOUS
A group of scientists was investigating sexual activity at an advanced age. They were told of an old man who at the age of 100 years still brought home twice-weekly streetwalkers. If true, this was indeed a rare phenomena and worth looking into. A black lady scientist was so much intrigued that she volunteered to pick up the old geezer and find out his secret. The lady was young and handsome and the old gent readily swallowed the bait and took the scientist home and ravished her three times. After each session, he took a short nap, but asked the woman to hold his balls in her left hand and in her right his penis while he is asleep and not let go for even a second.

The lady scientist was enthusiastic about having made a sensational discovery, but for safety’s sake asked the old man if there is any connection between his unusual potency and the fact that his tool is held in somebody’s hand. Said the old man:

“Actually none. It’s just that the last black girl I took home, stole my purse.”
RECURRENCE
An 85-year-old man married a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband was so old, the woman decided that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She was concerned that the old fellow would overexert himself. After the festivities she prepared herself for bed and for the knock on the door she expected. Sure enough the knock came and there was her groom ready for action. They united in conjugal union and all went well whereupon he took his leave of her and she prepared to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there was a knock on the door and there was old guy again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consented to further coupling, which was again successful, after which the octogenarian bid her a fond good night and left.

She was certainly ready for slumber at this point and was close to sleep for the second time when there was another knock at the door and there he was again fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more. Once again they did the horizontal boogie. As they were lying in afterglow the young bride said to him:

“I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I’ve been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.”

The old guy looked puzzled, turned to her and said: “Was I already here?”
TELLING EVERYBODY!
An old man came into confession and said to the priest:

“Father, I'm 80 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, four kids and eleven grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking.  We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice!”

“Well, my son, are you sorry for your sins?” – asked the priest.

“What sins?”

“What kind of a Catholic are you?

“I'm not Catholic, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“You kidding?”– grinned the geezer. “I'm telling everybody!”

“Isn’t this the costume you always wanted me to wear?”

“Yes,” – responded her paramour, – “but you should have ironed it first.”

night light
Old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said:

“George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with God?”

George replied:

“I'm eating well and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I’m done *poof* the light goes off.”

“Wow!” - commented Dr. Smith. “That’s incredible!”

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife.

“Ethel,” - he said, - “George is doing fine. Physically he’s great. One thing though, I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?”

Ethel exclaimed:

“Oh, no! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
MISPLACED SEX DRIVE
“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” - said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

“I know it,” - said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint - my sex drive is too high. Can you do anything for that, Doc?”

The doctor’s mouth dropped open.

“Your what?!” - he gasped.

“My sex drive,” - said the old man. “It’s too high and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”

“Lower it?!” - exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ’high’?”

“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” - said the old man - “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”
WHO’S CALLING?
An 80-year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn’t feeling well and went to her doctor. The doctor examined her and said: “Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you’re going to be a mother.”

“Get serious doctor, I’m 80.”

“I know,” - said the doctor. “This morning I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle.”

“I’ll be darned,” - she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.

“Hello,” - she heard his familiar halting voice. She screamed:

“You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!”

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered:

“Who’s calling please?”

“This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”

He answered: “You have to keep that old motor running.”

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:

“You really are amazing. How do you do it?”

He again said: “You have to keep the old motor running.”

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:

“You must be quite a man.”

He responded: “You have to keep that old motor running.”

The nurse then said, “Well, it's high time you changed the oil. This one's black.”

“How am I doing?”

The prostitute replied:

“Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots.”

“Three knots?” – he asked. “What's that supposed to mean?”

She said: “You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money-back!

“Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years, or more!”

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man took a bite of the hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking:

“That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Once again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

“Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”

She answered:

“The teeth.”