Avri robert shacham joke categories
Download 2.74 Mb.
|
- Navigate this page:
- Small c HANGE
- A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS
- THE FABULOUS FINKELSTEIN
EXCELLENT MEMORY Three guys were debating who has the best memory. The first said: “I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.” The second guy said: “I can remember my first day at Nursery School!” Not to be outdone, the third guy said: “Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father and coming home with my mother.” NEW ANGLE When the surgeon came to see his young patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. So the doctor asked: “What's wrong?” “Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?” “Uh...” - stammered the stunned surgeon, as he thought pensively, - “I hadn't really thought about it. You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy.” Tight skirt One day, a large group of people was waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt and high heels. As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reached behind her and unzipped the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tried again. Again, she found that she could not maneuver the step, so once more she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looked at the bus driver and tried to board again. With disappointment, she found that she still couldn’t step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzipped her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still did not reach the bottom step. Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabbed her by the waist, lifted her up and placed her on the bus. The woman turned to the Texan furiously and said: “Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don’t even know you!” Nonplused, the Texan looked at her and replied: “Well, ma’am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends.” ON DRAFT Arriving for her artificial insemination, the young wife was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes. “And just what do you think you're doing?” – she demanded. “Sorry,” – said the young man, – “but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give it to you on draft.”
“You’re such a big guy. Why did you marry such a petite woman? She’s no bigger than your hand.” “That’s right Coach,” – replied the lineman, – “but she's much better!”
“I’ll get the door,” – said the first ovary. She looked out the peephole and asked: “Did you order furniture?” “No, why?” – asked the other. “Because there are two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!”
God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and took one of his ribs. From the rib, he made a woman and brought her unto the man. They were both naked, the man and his wife and were not ashamed. Adam called his wife's name Eve. Eve asked Adam what he did about entertainment before she came on the scene. Adam shrugged and showed her a hole in the trunk of a nearby tree, located at just about the right height for him to thrust his desires away. Smiling, Eve said: “Well, I have news for you. I’m fully equipped to take care of those needs.” She lay down on her back and opened her legs. Adam, eyes wide open, took a good look and then kicked her right between her legs as hard as he could. Eve cried out with pain: “And what was that for?” - she asked with tears in her eyes. Replied Adam: “Oh, just driving off the squirrels.”
“I'm afraid I don't have a husband” - she replied. “O.K. do you have a boyfriend?” - asked the midwife. “No, no boyfriend either. I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.” After the birth the midwife again spoke to the young woman. “You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black” “Well,” - replied the girl, - “I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black.” “Oh, I'm very sorry,” - said the midwife, - “that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.” “Well yes,” - the girl again replied, - “you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?” “Oh, I'm sorry,” - the midwife repeated, - “that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.” “Well yes,” - continued the girl, - “I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.” At this the midwife again apologized, collected the baby and presented her to the girl, who immediately proceeded to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby started crying and the mother exclaimed: “Thank God for that!” “What do you mean?” - asked the midwife. “Well,” - said the girl extremely relieved, - “I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark.”
“What's matter?” - asked the woman. “Why don't you start?” “I was asking myself how you are going to pay the fare?” In reply, the woman just spread her legs suggestively. The driver asked: “Got any smaller bills?”
“My mouth is tingling. Maybe a kiss would help.” The boy kissed her and the girl snuggled to his chest happily. A little later she said: “I have a funny prickling feeling in my breasts. Would a kiss make it go away?” The boy kissed them too and some more time passed. Then the girl said: “Now I’ve got a bad itch between my legs. Can you do something about that too?” Obediently the boy applied his mouth to the said part. Suddenly a voice was heard from the bushes: “Young man, do you cure piles too?” CODED MESSAGES A mother told her three daughters to write home after their respective weddings and let her know how their married life was. The eldest was the first to get married and on the second day, a letter arrived with a single message: “Maxwell Coffee.” At first the mother was confused, but finally looked at the ad, which said “Satisfaction to the last drop” and was very happy for her daughter. After a week of marriage, the second daughter wrote to her Mother with the message: “Rothmans.” As usual, the mother looked for the ad and when she saw that it read “Life size, King Size,” was quite happy for her daughter. After the third daughter's wedding, there was no news until after four weeks. Then a message arrived with the words “BRITISH AIRWAYS”. The mother rushed to her paper to look for the ad, but almost fainted when she saw that it read “Two times a day, four times a week, both ways.” PAY RAISE The subway car was packed. It was rush hour and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said: “Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!” “I don't know what you're talking about miss – that's just my pay check in my pocket.” “Oh really,” – she spat – “then you must have a hell of a job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour.” art At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a VERY PINK penis. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. “Can I help you with this painting?” - he asked. “Well, yes,” - said the gentleman. “We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?” “Oh” - said the artist. “I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!!!” PEANUTS A man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, but after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, the daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once they were gone, the mother turned to the father and said: “That's wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?” The father replied: “From the smell of his fingers, probably our son-in-law!” Hard fact A man in a hotel lobby wanted to ask the clerk a question. As he went to the front desk, his elbow accidentally bumped a woman's breast. They were both quite startled. The man turned to the woman and said: “Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.” She replied: “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.” 100 Miles an Hour A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy said to the girl: “If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?” She agreed and he began to speed up. When the speedometer hit 100 she started to strip. When she got all her clothes off, he was so busy staring at her that he drove off the road and flipped the car. The girl was thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and her boyfriend were trapped in the car. “Go get help,” – he pleaded. She replied: “I can't, I'm naked.” He pointed to his shoe that was thrown clear and said: “Cover your snatch with that and go get help.” She took the shoe, covered herself, and ran to the gas station down the road. When she arrived she was frantic and yelled to the attendant: “HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!” The attendant looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied: “I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in.” A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS People stopped inviting Tom to their home, especially people with young children. Though a decent enough chap, he had an extremely uncouth manner and when he told one of his dirty jokes, he never really cared who overheard him. One day a big dinner was held at a friend's house - in honor of their daughter’s engagement - and even Tom, who promised that he would behave, received an invitation. Most of the dinner went well, but then, just as the main course was cleared away, Tom asked the bride-to-be: “Do you know, what it is that I have between my legs?” “No, I would not know,” - answered the blushing girl. Everybody held his or her breath as Tom answered: “The table leg,” - he said and one could hear the assembled guests letting out their breath with an audible whoosh. A quarter of an hour passed. The guests had their coffee, the atmosphere was relaxed and then Tom spoke up again, addressing the daughter again: “I presume that you know now, what I have between my legs?” “Of course. The table leg.” “No,” - said Tom, - “but what you thought of previously!”
“I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?” MONEY DEALINGS A guy got home late one night and his wife asked: “Where the hell have you been?” “I was out getting a tattoo.” “A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis.” “What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?” “Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow... Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money.... And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!”
“You can't wear white,” - reminded the sales clerk. “You've been married three times already.” “Of course I can, I'm a virgin!” - said the bride. “Impossible,” - said the sales clerk. “Unfortunately not,” - the bride explained. “My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God do I miss him!”
“Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.” The angel thanked Dolly and asked Her Majesty the same question. The Queen dropped her skirt and panties, took a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shook it up and douched with it. The angel said: “OK, Your Majesty, you may go in”. Dolly was outraged. “What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?” “Sorry, Dolly,” – said the angel, – “but even in heaven, a royal flush beats two of a kind.”
"Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said: "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of Nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked: "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," - she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" - he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well," - she explained, - "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed: "I'm sorry," - she said, - "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up: “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?” As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look. “Well,” – he responded, – “I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand.”
Five years later Mr. Cohen read in the paper that the Ringling circus, featuring the fabulous Finkelstein. is in town again. Again he went to see the show and hardly waited to see the famous performer. Finally the fabulous Finkelstein showed up, huge ovation, yelling, applause, etc. He placed three big coconuts on the table, took out his penis, took a whack and boom-boom-boom all the three coconuts were broken to small pieces. Unbelievable ovation, flowers, ladies threw their underwear, etc. Mr. Cohen went back-stage to the fabulous Finkelstein's dressing room and said: “Maestro, I saw your fantastic performance five years ago and now again and was absolutely overwhelmed that it has actually improved. If I may humbly ask, why did you choose a more difficult task, using coconuts instead of walnuts?” The fabulous Finkelstein quietly replied: “Unfortunately, I had to. You see, my eyes are not the same as five years ago!”
“How do you feel about sex?” - he asked, rather hopefully. “Well, I’d have to say I like it infrequently,” – she responded. The old guy paused.... then asked: “Was that one word, or two?”
“Is it true what Rita just told me?” “What was that?” – asked her mother. “That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?” – said her daughter. “Yes it is dear!” – replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. “But then, when I have a baby,” – responded the teenager, – “won't it knock my teeth out?” RODEO Two Texans were sitting at a bar. One asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called the “rodeo.” His friend said: “No, what is it??” “Well, you mount your wife from behind, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands, then say,.........’Boy, these are almost as nice as your sister's....’ Then see if you can hold on for eight seconds!!” NATURE PRESERVATION A husband and wife were out playing golf. They teed off and one drive went to the right and the other went to the left. The wife found her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabbed a club and took a mighty swing at the ball. She hit a beautiful second shot, but in the process hacked the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appeared out of nowhere. She blocked her path to her golf bag, looked at her and said: “I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter, you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.” The mystery woman then disappeared as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife called out to her husband: “Hey, where's your ball?” “It's over here in the pussy willows.” The wife screamed back: “DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!” SAY AGAIN? There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, “The Cambridge Distorter” told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies. One of the twins was hard of hearing, but the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one asked of her twin: “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “He said, that WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!” – said the other. “Now get a little closer together” – said the cameraman. Again: “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS, SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.” So they wiggled up close to each other. “Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little”, – said the photographer. Yet again: “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!” With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out: “OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?” IF ONLY… A guy was walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker caught his eye. He stroke up a conversation and eventually asked her: “How much do you charge?” Hooker replied: “It starts at $500 for a hand job.” Guy said: “$500 dollars! For a hand job! Jesus Christ! No hand job is worth that kind of money!” The hooker said: “Do you see that Denny's on the corner?” “Yes.” “Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?” “Yes.” “And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?” “Yes.” “Well,” –said the hooker, smiling invitingly, – “I own those. And I own them, because I give a hand job that's worth $500.” Guy said: “What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.” They retired to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy was sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He was so amazed, he said: “I suppose a blowjob is $1,000?” The hooker replied: “$1,500.” “$1,500? My God! No blowjob could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!” The hooker replied: “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1,500.” The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand job, decided to put off the new car for another year or so and said: “Sign me up.” Ten minutes later, he was sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He could scarcely believe it but he felt he truly got his money's worth. He decided to dip into his retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asked the hooker: “How much for some pussy?” The hooker said: “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces and showplaces?” “Damn!” – the guy said, in awe. “You own the whole city?” “No,” – the hooker replied, – “but I would if I had a pussy.” Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
|